Not an AIBU but which stage of life with kids is harder?

[Newmummytobe79]

When I worked in a high pressurised job I didn't think life could get any harder - fell asleep on sofa as soon as I got home, cleaning done at weekends, not having a social life during the week etc etc

I then thought it couldn't get any harder when I was pregnant in said job.

When I had my baby I (very tough birth/borderline PND) sleep deprivation and the shock of the responsibility made me think I was going mad!

I now enjoy my time with my 3 1/2 month baby ... most of the time ! But on bad days I wonder how I'll ever combine work and a social life whilst having a child, ever again. I would like another child in the future but really don't know how people do it!

I have friends who have kids of school age and toddlers, they work part time and still manage to have a social life - how!?!

Friends have been understanding with me missing social events (especially over Christmas) etc ... but I often wonder if they think 'if she thinks having a baby is tough, wait until she has 2/3 kids'

Does it continue to get harder or does life kind of settle down?

Just wondering what the future holds really.

Looking back the baby/toddler stage was so so easy compared to now. My eldest 2 are 12 and 13 and I know it's only going to get harder. I've also had very difficult babies, colic, constant screaming, no sleeping and this feels much harder.

bumpsadaisy I think you've described the transition from 0-1 children and 1-2 children brilliantly. As you say, the challenges are definitely more logistical second time round, though managing the relationship between the two of them (25 months and 7 months) takes seemingly infinite patience (already).

With dc1 I really loved 9-18 months - lots of delightful changes, and no expressions of strong will. That said, the joys of toddlerhood so far outweigh the occasional horrors. I blame dc1's stubbornness on dh's genes...

Op - certainly for me, having a decent amount of sleep makes everything better. Newborns are so exhausting. If you can rest as much as possible when they do, that does help.

Mine are 10 and 12 and I'm quite enjoying them today ...

Even if the last words DS said to me were "Look, milky snot !"
As he laughed milk out of his nose

having a child does change thingz but u learn new ways to adapt to ur situation n socialize n u become very flexible.i feel it just is all in the mind,they do come first but than they make u realize that u r going to be a role model n u r going to give a foundation to their future n thats very inspiring n yeah the toughest stage is from 2 years of age when they start internalizing thingz the way u do it n wen their personality starts takin a form n us i.e parents need to be more responsible n good mentors

You'll look back in years to come and wonder what you thought ws so hard with just one little baby!!! I do now!

We have an 8yr old, 4 yr old and 8 month old and life is very, very busy!! With the big two at school now, after school hours are horrendously busy and chaotic as I am single handedly trying to feed everyone, get homework, reading, music practise done and possibly also fit in an afternoon activity whilst also juggling a baby and trying to get school bags ready for the next day (and breath...!)

Once upon a time I used to spend my evenings chilling out with my first born in a tidy house watching hollyoaks...!!!!

I'm due to go back to work in 2 months (part time) & am finding myself wondering how, on earth I'll cope, but somehow you just do!

I'm sure the hardest years are still to come, so I try to enjoy every minute (well almost

I found primary school age dire :(

Your friendships do change. Have you joined the nct, it helps to meet other mums with kids the same ages, that live locally to you.
I was really lucky to meet a group whom I am still friends with now. Most of whom live a 5 min drive from me.
I used to do evening classes before dc but now I dont feel I have the energy for that anymore and I feel as though I should be around in the evening to cook etc.

newborn af course, followed by the one that is happening now. (whatever that might be.)

yy to "the stage that is happening now"

We are programmed to forget, I think. We forget the horrors of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, the lack of sleep, the disgusting puke/nappy years.

Otherwise wtf would we ever have more than one .

I'm finding that DC being 6 and 8 is OK. Reasonably self sufficient and can have interesting conversations with them. Can be reasoned with (although not always with the 8 year old).

Although I'm sure as they get older there will be new challenges I'm mostly looking firward to it.

No urge for any more children here - the thought of nappies, lack of sleep, loads of things to take with you for a simple trip out, doing toilet training, mushing up food and the really irrational tantrums is not what I want to do now. Not even feeling broody seeing my lovely quite new niece. Although she's lovely to cuddle :)

NewMummy, I'm at the same stage as you, with my first child, DS who is just 3 months and I was thinking the very same thing recently: do you ever get to a point where you're seeing the wood for the trees? Does anyone really ever purposely choose to have another child or children? And how can some people cope with them being only a year or two apart!!

It is all-consuming, isn't it? I'm finding it physically exhausting at the moment. Every morning when I wake up, I ache all over. I can't imagine having e.g. a 2 year old to take care of as well.

I think a lot does depend on how much family and social support you have too though. We have no family nearby at all and it's literally just been me and DH tag-teaming it non-stop from day one. DS is too young to entrust to friends or an unknown babysitter. That makes it hard because I get no break at all as DH is working flat out to finish a project before moving to a new job. After a few relentless days with DS, non-stop, I do start to go a bit doolally. I've already said to DH - and he agrees - that we're only having a second if we can arrange good childcare to help out. I think also if you're younger it would be easier. I'm in my early 30s and I'd have a lot more physical energy if I were in my 20s.

Inmychime, re having more children, it seems like a complete no-no at this stage. Then when baby is one and sleeping better you forget the newborn stage. You start to imagine a little sibling for your dc and thinking "well it cd take ages - let's start trying now". Tiny babies start to look so cute and you brood over them.

Before you know it you're pregnant with a toddler to run around after (aaarghh, so exhausting!) then you have two kids under three and life is insane, if lovely. Your hormones and amnesia have duped you again...

I think babies are dreadful. So NEEDY. Mine are 6 and 4 and I find it much, much easier. But it really did get easier from about 5 months on, depending on what you thought was hard. If you do all the parenting-intensive stuff like co-sleeping and baby-wearing and etc, then it will carry on and on and on. It won't necessarily be 'hard', but it will be intensive and you won't have much time alone, which I really needed. (Not everyone does!)

Toddlers are difficult, but by then you've kind of sussed the parenting stuff out, so they're hard in a different sort of way. You have to adapt what you've learned, instead of having to learn it brand-new.

I've read somewhere that everyone has their own golden age of parenting - some people are good with babies, some with toddlers, some with early school years, some with teenagers. I think that's probably true. Don't blame yourself if the baby stage isn't your golden age - you may be particularly good at parenting toddlers, or beyond. You have this discovery to look forward to.

jins - why did you find primary age so tough, if you don't mind me asking?

I was the only one of my friends who actually looked forward to their child starting school, but it's been the biggest pita ever and now she's in Year 2 I've lost count of the number of times I wished she was 3 or 4 again.

The school is lovely and her teacher and the head are great but...being tied to the relentless routine of it, and the emotional aspect of all the friendships to juggle (what is it with girls in threesomes ?), dealing with teachers and all the other school expectations - they seem to want us to go in for something every other week, plus all the extra curricular stuff.

DD is very bright academically and loves learning, but seems to have been much more sensitive/anxious since starting school which is horrible for all of us .

I found things got easier with baby once they could sit and play for a little bit. Mine have all been quite quick to get moving, so that stage has been short lived and dc3 is all over the place and in to everyone's things!

I find primary age hard as the daily routine is so restricting. Everyone must be in bed / awake at certain time, then the rush to get there on time. Dd is doing fab at school and has always flown through, but I'm finding trying to get ds to do school work quite a challenge and a bit of a worry. Instead of being able to just sit and play with the kids, there's always something to do - school life is just busier and more complicated.

My best friends ever that I met at breasfeeding and baby groups with dd1 8 yrs ago remember how we used to find things hard with dc1 and how life has changed so much over the years with us all having 2 or 3 children now.

You'll find things get easier for you over the months and by the time you need to return to work you'll be ready and so will lo as you'll need to be.

i dont think it gets easier at any age as such you just learn to adjust to the new challanges they throw @ you and i guess u try to have more patience with the situation , in my case im on my own most of the time as dh is in armed forces and works away obv lol, ds1 was 2.9 mths old when the twins arrived and was very put out he wasnt the only one any more, i had decided to go back to work part time when he arrived so had spent quite alot of 1 to 1 time with him , when the twins arrived it was the summer just as ds1 was going to playschool in the sept so time management wasan issue to start with lol , my ds is now 9 and ds/dd are 6 i find 2 will play nicely but 3 is definatly a crowd !!!! but im not mad enough to even the numbers up
i have returned to work part time again and love it , enjoy more the time i spend with the monsters & dh as a family as i have my" time out" so i think its just right at the mo then mine are only relatively young so i may well change my mind in a few more years

surely the only people qualified to fairly answer this question are those with children who are well into adulthood?

Every stage of a childs life brings with it , it's own challenges and rewards. It just changes and the things you worry about change. Even as young adults they sometimes want and need reassurance and guidance. Your role as a parent evolves as they do. Instead of a baby waking you up for food you are woken by uni students cooking at 2am as their body clocks have not adjusted to being home!! or they have missed the last bus home.....
I would never have wanted to miss the ride, not for anything in the world, has it been hard? , yes, but all is forgotten when they say " I love you mum and I miss you"

Actually getting bloody pregnant

Ohh, good luck for 2012 Aries ( I'm guessing you're ttc - lots of good threads on here for company including a first timers one )

Oh I know! Thank you though :)

I agree with that Aries. Definitely trying to get pregnant was the worst fucking bit of all (even worse than the teenage horrors).

My mum says its actually harder now we are adults, as she can't help us at all.

Why on earth do we put ourselves through it all .

I found ttc DC1 (dd) a really tough year too - especially of course as time went on. Now I have two darling cherubs scraping with each other constantly !

OP it gets easier.

Mine are only 17mths and 4yo but I think that the stage you are in: having a newborn, recovering from birth, sleep deprivation, contemplating how you will return to work, have a social life etc. That was the hardest bit for me.

I agree that good childcare is a priority if you want to return to work.

As lots of people have said, every stage has its challenges, I work with teenagers and can imagine how much harder they can be to deal with at home. I do think that the stage you are in is the hardest because youve never done it before and you feel like you are on your own. Its such an adjustment.

MaryZed you are Maryz, right? Stupid bloody question probably :)