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Original poster

Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

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CountessDracula · 05/01/2006 09:37

You are being judgemental

Original poster
sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:38

And just to add, this child was very much planned and she is now PG again. Why have another one if she doesn't have time for the one she already has?

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 05/01/2006 09:39

You obviously have no idea what hard work it is working and having children.

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gigglinggoblin · 05/01/2006 09:39

her choice. sounds like you are very different people. i dont think i would say too much infront of family members about how you feel

Tommy · 05/01/2006 09:40

I don't think you are being judgemental - sounds like my family. I am you and my sister is your sister. I just grit my teeth and get on with things the way we choose to do them and let her do what she feels she has to. Doesn't stop me having a good old moan about it every so often though!

mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 09:40

blimey now that second post is judgmental!!! two wrongs don't make a right - it sounds like you have been unfairly criticised by your family for not going back to work, but that doesn't mean that it's fair to criticise your sister for what she does.

compo · 05/01/2006 09:42

I think you soiund jealous of all the time your mum gives her

Elf1981 · 05/01/2006 09:45

I would love to be able to be a SAHM but not everybody can be. I will be going back to work in March. My DD will be six months old and having to go to nursery.
I think some SAHM's can be judgemental over those who go to work. Just because we're not there 24/7 for our children, doesn't mean we love them any less.

Tommy · 05/01/2006 09:47

hope this is not going to turn into one of those SAHM v WAHM arguments....

Original poster
sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 10:00

no am definitely not jealous of the time my mum gives her. She would give my own DS the same attention if I required it but I'm happy looking after him myself. He now goes to nursery two mornings a week and I am going back to college at the end of January. And it's not so much the fact that she's working that bothers me, I know she can't afford to not work, although given that she spends the best part of £800 a month on childcare I can't imagine she brings home an awful lot, but the fact she's on holiday and still her DS is in nursery full-time, even there in time for his breakfast...

OP posts:
Elibean · 05/01/2006 10:02

Sugarbaby, just wondered why it bothers you so much? Is it about finding it hard to validate your own beliefs/values in the face of so much family resistance? And/or could Compo have a point, in that your Mum seems to be 'favouring' your sister? You are making a lot of judgements, but IME, judgemental thoughts tend to crop up thick and fast when I'm either scared or feeling inadequate...

Elibean · 05/01/2006 10:03

Sorry, X post, ignore the 'favouring sister' bit!

Caligula · 05/01/2006 10:04

Sorry yes I think you're being judgemental.

I wouldn't choose to do what your sister does either, but otoh I wouldn't wear a midriff top, have my nose pierced, etc. But for them as wants to do it, that's up to them.

What works for her family wouldn't work for yours, but that doesn't mean it's wrong for her. Get on with being happy with your own life instead of finding fault with your sister.

Elibean · 05/01/2006 10:05

Although if it were me, I might find it hard that my Mum supported my sister's needs having criticized mine so much. More, jealous of the emotional support than the physical support, IYSWIM.

beejay · 05/01/2006 10:16

I went back to work when my dd was 6 months, she went to nursery from 8 to 4. In some ways I totally see where you are coming from sugarbaby-- I relished the time I did have with her and would never have sent her off to nursery for a whole week whilst I was off work. However a couple of days a year i did send her there on a day off, eg when it was my bday and i wanted a day shopping or something. Like with everything I think there is a happy medium.

colditz · 05/01/2006 10:20

As a fmily where both parents work 30 hours per week, and have NO childcare, and do it by juggling shifts, I actually don't blame her. It is HARD having a small child and working. I wish so much that I could shift my son onto someone I trust for one day a week, so I could catch up with my sty of a house, but I can't, I haven't got £30 per week to spare.

It is very different being at home al day with your child, you don't have such a strict timetable, and you must know that housework with a toddler in tow takes 5 times longer than it has to? You manage, but you have more time than she does.

lockets · 05/01/2006 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 10:50

Yes, you're being judgemental. How about if your sister was posting saying you were braindead because you stayed at home all the time with a young child and obviously couldn't manage to hold down a proper job?

Same thing, other way round.

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 10:52

Btw, I don't think that - just posting an alternate viewpoint.

harpsichordcarrier · 05/01/2006 10:59

well I do see where you are coming from tbh. Of course people do want to/need to/have to work and I don't think sugarmag is criticising/judging this, and neither am I. (I have done both) (though I am not sure it is true to say that SAHM "have more time" than WOHM - IME the opposite was true.) but to be perfectly honest I would think it a little strange that parents working full time would want to leave a child with someone else for one full day every weekend and all day during the holidays. I understand the need to rest (I wish....) and to have (vom) me time but there is a balance with spending time with your family?
and I would feel a little sad for your nephew of his parents don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. That is kind of melancholy.

dieselten · 05/01/2006 11:00

What's really making you cross here? Do you feel that your sister is somehow getting a better deal or more support than you are. Do you feel like you need a break?

Pruni · 05/01/2006 11:01

Message withdrawn

daisy1999 · 05/01/2006 11:01

everyone makes their own choices and it's up to them. What's the point in worrying about it you can't change what your sister does.
For what it's worth when I worked (albeit only for a few months and after they were at school) I couldn't wait to get back and spend time with my children but some parents just don't feel like that - their loss but I have no desire to campaign to change their choices.

TeddyRobinson · 05/01/2006 11:02

You are being judgemental but I see your point.

For me, putting them in nursery while you go to work is one thing but putting them in nursery/with family during the holidays/weekends so you can 'have a rest' or get things done is pathetic. When does she see him then and talk to him, do things with him? On a Sunday and that's it? When people palm their children off at any opportunity I do think 'why bother?' (this does NOT apply to those that use childcare so they can work, obviously).

OTOH, that's what she chooses to do so let her get on with it. It's not your problem is it - if you are happy with your situation that's all that matters.

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 11:02

I wonder whether your sister is all that happy - I know when I was working four days a week and pg I found everything incredibly stressful and draining. Nice to know she has a supportive sister she can lean on if she is feeling down though, not one who will just judge her.