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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Caligula · 05/01/2006 13:31

sorry posts crossed.

LOL at more modern!

There is a bit of a fashion at the moment for "bad mothers". I was in Waterstones just before Christmas and there seemed to be a whole load of books about how not to let motherhood cramp your style and how best to neglect your child. It irritated me...

lovecloud · 05/01/2006 13:31

Marini and Pruni -

If you read what i said my comments were not aimed at people who had not other choice or ways around it because of mortgages and large debts.

Although i have met someone who sayd he works to pay her mortgage but her husband earns enough to cover it, she could really work part time. Its because they have a massive car each and spend spend spend is the reason she has to work full time.

Some people do have a choice and the sad thing is that some mums would not cut down to work part time because they want money to spend on material things.

puddle · 05/01/2006 13:31

Fair point Caligula. But to be honest, that argument could just as well be applied to men who work all week and see very little of their children except for at weekends. And I am sure if a poster said 'my husband works all week, doesn't see our child and then wants to have me-time every staurday' we would all be outraged.

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lovecloud · 05/01/2006 13:32

Of course she cant cope - she would not know where to start!

But she could learn if she wanted.

lockets · 05/01/2006 13:32

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puddle · 05/01/2006 13:32

I mean, we're all concentrating on the mother aren't we? There's a father here too.

lovecloud · 05/01/2006 13:34

puddle - true but someone has to work.

it does not really matter who as long as one parent is there most of the time.

better if its mummy as mummies have the touch that fathers dont but not if the mummy is not the maternal type.

lovecloud · 05/01/2006 13:35

lockets - exactly

wouldnt the world be a better place if we all had mums like this?

lockets · 05/01/2006 13:36

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bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 13:37

true lockets, but you can understand then why her sister would get irritated when she decides to have another one. Even a saint would think "why bother if you don't enjoy spending time with your first?". we're only human aren't we

pablopatito · 05/01/2006 13:37

"better if its mummy as mummies have the touch that fathers dont"

What's 'the touch'?

lovecloud · 05/01/2006 13:37

im sending the kid lots of luck!!!

lovecloud · 05/01/2006 13:39

pablo - do i need to explain...

got to get out of here.

sometimes i wonder why this is called mumsnet???

harpsichordcarrier · 05/01/2006 13:39

one of the points the OP made was:

My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child

that is the point imo, I think I would shy away from saying to someone - hey, it seems like you don't want to spend time with your child. That's a bit odd. for fear of being unsisterly or whatever. But maybe it needs to be said. because I do think that this situation is sad for the child. and doesn't suggest a happy (?normal) family life.
it might seem judgmental, but there might also be a genuine cause for concern. it is not wrong to intervene in the latter case imho.
FWIW dh does try and spend the majority of the weekend with dd's.

lockets · 05/01/2006 13:40

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motherinferior · 05/01/2006 13:40

Maybe she likes her job, lovecloud, ever thought of that, eh?

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 13:41

same here HHC. dh works all week and often away. he brings work home at weekends too but his priority is always and has always been to spend what little spare time he has with ds's. He paid £1100 last year to join a golf club and played 5 times. How much did each game cost ...... ouch.

lockets · 05/01/2006 13:41

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marthamoo · 05/01/2006 13:43

She sounds frightened of being alone with him to me too - which is really very sad. And I do feel sorry for the little boy - though I'm sure he has a fab time at nursery it seems very sad that he goes in the holidays too, and spends a day of each weekend away from home. I bet her house is immaculate though - what couldn't I do with one day a week, uninterrupted, for 'jobs' ? Yeah, I know, I'd just spend it on Mumsnet.

Ultimately though, it's her choice (and her husband's, of course) as to how they bring their child up. It's not how I would choose to do it but then, she probably wouldn't want to swap with me either. It does sound like she is missing out on a lot.

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 13:44

You are very lucky Lockets! Mine is fab at working them up into a frenzy of insanity and then saying "mummy will take you to bed now". cue both children bouncing off walls .....

FairyMum · 05/01/2006 13:44

I have a friend whose children are also in nursery 8-6 every day and then spends every second weekend with the grandmother. I work myself and my children are in nursery, but I do find it odd they don't always spend time at weekends either. Her children are very happy though and very close to their grandmother. It takes a village....

marthamoo · 05/01/2006 13:44

I don't think I have 'the touch' but I am a little 'touched'

saadia · 05/01/2006 13:45

I don't think you're being judgemental, it is your business she's your sister and her son is your nephew. I would agree that I think it's odd and I feel really sorry for any child whose parents don't want to spend time with him/her.

The weekend thing is IMO too much, they need to spend time together as a family, doing boring things, for real bonding to happen.

Enid · 05/01/2006 13:46

oh come on though MI

you can love your job and still want to spend time with your kids

JoolsToo · 05/01/2006 13:47

"Maybe she likes her job, lovecloud, ever thought of that, eh? "

more than time with her child? - ever thought of that eh?

and if that is the case why have another child

(yes, i am being judgmental)