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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
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tigermoth · 07/01/2006 09:04

{envy} at the idea of bundling my children off to family or friends for a day each week.

To be honest, if I'd had a kind, accommondating mother living nearby when I had my first son, I'd have been quite like sugarbaby's sister. At that time I worked mon - fri then ran a markeet stall on a saturday, leaving me one day with my son. True I had been a SAHM till he was 14 months old, but from then till he was 5 years old I worked for a day most weekends on top of my full time job. I was well and truly knackered.

Yes, I missed my son, but I did what I had to do - it paid the mortgage. I did not feel unconncted with my son - I spent all the rest of my time with him, even if it meant he had some odd bedtimes (late to bed to stay up with me then slept in in the mornings). I spent all my holidays with him as well. The house was a tip. I am sure some people who knew me judged me and felt worried for my son and me - I gathered a few concerned comments, but I was lucky - my dh looked after my son, 'so that was all right'. In other circumstances it could have been my mother who had my son one day a week, just like the OPs situation here.

Did it work? no not in the long run. I was at the end of my tether, physically and mentally. It really felt like my life was unbalanced. I had to change things in the end - selling our house, paying off our expensive mortage, moving to a cheaper area.

Sugarbaby's sister could be going through a similar time - realising her present lifestyle is not working, and beginning to think of how to change it. As someone said, there's a transition stage when you have your first child - your old working life versus your new life as a mother.

I'd see sugurbaby's sister's life as not that good right now, but not permanently fixed. She needs support not judgement.

ScummyMummy · 07/01/2006 09:07

I think that's a brilliant post, tigermoth.

Enid · 07/01/2006 09:09

hmmm

its not the same is it

you worked on sats as you deseprately needed the money

she is cleaning her house

Interested in this thread?

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ScummyMummy · 07/01/2006 09:14

No it's not the same as t'moth sounds like a nicer person (I am biased) but I think the point that things can look shit from anothers perspective and even objectively be shit without the person in question being a monster or even partticularly satisfied is a good one well made. Sugarbabe's sister may feel awful about the situation but feel genuinely unable to cope in a really messy house, for example. So glad I don't feel that way- I'd have to find a childminder for the whole of this weekend at least.

Enid · 07/01/2006 09:18

ah you are a better person than me scummers

I always take posts at face value unless they strike a chord and I can identify. I cannot identify with the described behaviour so I am willing to believe it is as sugarbaby describes. I can't be bothered to read loads of stuff into it, apart from the fact she is possibly a bit depressed.

geranium · 07/01/2006 11:04

I'm with Sugarbabe on this issue as far as we have the facts. Would be pretty if my sister behaved like this and was supported in her choice by my Mum and I feel Sugarbabe is perfectly entitled to put out her feelings on MN without being jumped on. Clearly she's not able to do so with her own family.

drosophila · 07/01/2006 11:07

Well said tigermoth

Caligula · 07/01/2006 11:43

I think the problem is we don't have many facts geranium.

That's why it's all a bit airy fairy anyway, imo. Without really knowing what's going on, it's all just kneejerk distaste.

Agree with Tigermoth's post - really well put.

edam · 07/01/2006 11:44

There's a difference between a post condemning someone for doing something of which the poster disapproves and a post saying 'I couldn't do this myself' but recognising that other people are free to make different choices, though. Poster could have complained 'my family give me a hard time for being a SAHM and encourage my sister to WOHM even to the point of leaving her ds on Saturdays when she's not working' without being quite so bitchy about her sister. Condemnation of others dressed up as concern for their children is hypocritical. Just admit you want to bitch, don't pretend you have the moral high ground!

I suspect the OP has more to do with sibling rivalry than anything else.

bossykate · 07/01/2006 11:46

Condemnation of others dressed up as concern for their children is hypocritical. Just admit you want to bitch, don't pretend you have the moral high ground!

oooh, edam, that is just what i have wanted to say, but couldn't quite find the right way of expressing it, as you have done.

lockets · 07/01/2006 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

edam · 07/01/2006 11:53

Cheers bk.

Nightynight · 07/01/2006 12:05

I think you are being too harsh on sugarbaby. I dont see hypocrisy in her OP, she has raised some perfectly valid points because she thinks that her sister's life is unbalanced.

Its not fair to slate her because she didnt also include all possible reasons why her sister is doing what she is, and propose a full solution.

Caligula · 07/01/2006 12:34

I don't think I'm slating Sugarbaby. I'd quite happily slate some of the other posters who were extraordinary irritating to me though.

WideWebWitch · 07/01/2006 14:56

I've just read most of this thread, fantastic, it's classic mumsnet! Where's the father in all this I wonder? I think it's very, very hard to woh full time and have a clean house or to be a sahm and have a clean house. I reckon if I was at home with dd now I'd probably get some cleaning done if I really wanted to but when ds was small there'd have been no chance. Or maybe I'm just a domestic slut since I rarely have a clean house and own NO aprons and only 1 poxy rolling pin...

Enid · 07/01/2006 15:07

good point lockets

the chips on shoulders on this thread are beginning to obscure the view...

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 15:13

Come on then, Sugarbaby, post again...or email the thread to your sister to let her put her side of it all

geranium · 07/01/2006 15:14

Caligula

We may not have many facts but that hasn't stopped any of us from commenting.

More generally, just don't like the smug tone of those condemning Sugarbabe for being such a bad sister. What about some support for her looking after her child? Was really surprised to see some of the early comments suggesting Sugarbabe help out her sister by looking after sister' child. Crickey, this women doesn't need any more support. Sounds like Sugarbabe does.

Anyway, would be interesting to hear from Sugarbabe at this point if she hasn't been scared off. She's the only one who can comment sensibly.

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 15:16

She's hardly being a fantastic sister though, Geranium. I commented on her sisterliness, but am unaware I was "smug" about it?!

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 15:18

FWIW if I thought my sister's life was unbalanced, that her choices were affecting her child and her family and I thought they all might be happier if her choices were different then I might say something. In fact I probably would tbh.
I don't really buy this "all choices are equally valid" line tbh. The issue here is NOT her choice and/or need to work but her choice/and or need to clean instead of spending time with her son one day a week. And the OP knows her sister and her BIL and her nephew better than any of us. but in her shoes yes I wouldn't necessarily go along with what she describes as her family's encouragement of her sister to "leave her child" when she isn't working.

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 15:21

I should add that I have good and close relationships with my sisters (now anyway lol) so that probably makes a difference. And I would expect them to say something to me if the situation were reversed. Diplomatically and sensitively of course....

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 15:26

No, I don't buy the all choices are equally valid line either, HC. They're bloody well not!

lockets · 07/01/2006 15:29

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harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 15:30

quite right hunker
apart from yours and mine
which are perfect natch

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 15:30

v sensible post lockets btw