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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
mrsflowerpot · 07/01/2006 15:32

I tend to agree lockets, there is generally nobody but nobody who can wind you up like a sibling, even when you're close and even when you're both grown ups who should know better. I actually think that the fact that they're sisters skews the whole thing totally, they way you view each other just isn't the same as with friends, a whole different emotional reaction imo.

Spidermama · 07/01/2006 15:34

Gosh! This one's still going then. Having nearly posted several times before I feel compelled to put in my two penneth.

I haven't read the whole thread as I have my blood pressure to think about but I do agree with Geranium.

People do tend to think 'Well it's OK for Sugarbaby. She's a stay at home mum. She doesn't need support'. People really don't appreciate how hard it is being a stay at home mum. There are no wages, there's no recognition or applaus for your work from anynyone. You can feel completely invisible.

I know working mums have a difficult time too, but that's for them to write about.

Sugarbaby is amongst friends here and should feel able to vent her frustrations about what she perceives to be an inequality in attitudes towards her situation on the one had ... and her sister's on the other. She's asking for support and I think if you're unable to give it, this is perhaps not the thread for you.

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 15:48

She's asking if it's OK to slate her sister - not quite the same thing.

The difference with using MN (or any other site) to slag off relatives is that unless you're around to provide more details when questions are asked, you end up with an unbalanced view - a more unbalanced one than talking to people in RL.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Caligula · 07/01/2006 19:47

I don't think those condemning Sugarbabe for being a bad sister are any smugger than those who are condemning anyone who goes to work full time. Sorry, that got my goat.

But I agree that without more input from SB it's all a bit going round in circles...

lockets · 07/01/2006 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pruni · 07/01/2006 19:56

Message withdrawn

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 20:19

actually I don't think anyone on this thread condemned anyone for going to work full time
did they?

Caligula · 07/01/2006 20:22

I thought so, but either you or I haven't been reading Lovecloud's postings with proper attention... that and the special touch...

Sorry, it's not often my teeth are put on edge by postings on Mumsnet...

ScummyMummy · 07/01/2006 20:26

No one has condemned going out to work full time yet? Not good enough. I shall oblige. Working full time if you are a woman with children is evil and indicative of coldness and lack of love for ones own flesh and blood. On the other hand stay at home mothers are well known to be vapid and thick. Does that cover all bases?

Caligula · 07/01/2006 20:27

LOL SM, you've raised the thread up!

Caligula · 07/01/2006 20:28

"You raise me up... so I can stand on mountains... You RAISE me up..."

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 20:28

You forgot to say that part-timers are trying to have the best of both worlds and are roundly hated both by their colleagues and their children

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 20:33

possibly caligula
think i may have blocked out the bit about the special touch tbh...
[hc thinks how she might set caligulas teeth on edge now.... hmmmm.... a challenge]

ScummyMummy · 07/01/2006 20:33

So true hunker, so true.
I guiltily really love that song, Caligula!

tigermoth · 09/01/2006 08:08

just reviving this thread to say I do hope, sugarbaby, that you haven't been scared off. There have been all sorts of viewpoints in this discussion so obviously there's some you won't agree with.

Please come back and let us know what happens when your sister has her baby.

I'm also intrigued about your own parents putting pressure on you to go back to work when you had a baby. And also encourageing your sister leaving her son with them. Is childcare by relatives a strong tradition in your familiy? Did your mother work out of the home when she had toddlers?

Lots of people have said that their own experience of motherhood colours what they feel about your sister's lifestyle. Your own mother may well be doing the same.

PS thanks Scummy for correcly pointing out what I was trying to get at. Enid, you did have a point about me working not cleaning - I nearly didn't post the message because I realised I was going off on a slight tangent.

satine · 09/01/2006 08:37

I agree with sugarbaby - it makes me sad to think of toddlers spending most of their waking lives with carers. I realise the financial realities of life but as someone else recently said, would you buy a dog if you knew you were going to put it into a kennel for 8 or 10 hours a day?

bobbybobbobbingalong · 09/01/2006 08:52

My only thought was - why doesn't the sister go and have a holiday, she sounds as if she could use one.

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