Am I being too judgmental?

[sugarbaby]

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

I wonder whether she is 'scared' to have him around because she almost doesn't know what to do with him?!

Could be, TR - no shame in that though, I don't think. Again, support, not "OMG, what a cow for being like this" might be a better response from her flesh and blood, but hey, what do I know?

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Just to pick up on the thing about your nephew calling his grandmother mummy - he doesn't actually think she is his mummy. Over Christmas DS (4.10) called me both "Mrs X" - the name of the reception teacher and "YYYY" the name of the CM he goes to 3 days a week before/after school. He has only known both of them a term.

my ds2 has been in nursery 2 days a week since I gave up work, so that I can have a rest, me time, do housework go to the gym, whatever.

And I know I'm not the only SAHM who does this.

in fairness though this other sister is getting quite a lot of support from her mother and MIL it would seem.
this is sad though I think:
"It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house ..." I appreciate this is sugarmag's perception but.... I say again, reading it makes me feel a little melnacholy.
p'raps it's just my hormones....

Of course you are being judgemental but that is what we are all doing whenever we form an opinion of someone based on our interpretation of a situation presented to us - there is nothing wrong with being judgemental as long as we don't attempt to force our opinions on that other person (not saying that is what you are doing). Tbh from the picture you paint I too think the permanent weekend arrangement a bit odd and the fact that he gets sent to nursery during her holidays too - but hey ho each to their own.

Bozza, would agree with that - DS (21m) has been calling my mum "Mum" lately - not because he thinks she's his mum, but because I call her "Mum" - so he thinks it's her name! I find it hard to call my mum "Granny"...!

No, Lockets, you're right. I know my sister has done just that, for instance...

bozza yes you're right dd1 does call my friends "mummy" sometimes. perhaps she thinks it is a synonym for "someone who does my bidding."

Nurseries often charge whether the child's there or not - and he might be asking to go there?

iota - but your ds is only looked after by someone else for 2 days a week whereas it sounds as if this child is away from his parents for 6 days a week.

dd1 calls me grandma allllllllllllll the time, but I know she knows I am mummy iyswim. And I don't get down about it apart from when I have one of my SAHM moments and use it as a stick to beat dh with.

A girl I worked with worked 4 days but had her son in nursery for 5 so she could get things done on her day off. Bananas in my eyes, but who am I to judge?

Each to their own, f/time nursery would make me feel a failure and sad for my children but it does work for some.

TR - -yes but I don't blame the parents for wanting some childfree time - and since they work full-time they only get the opportunity to do everything else at the w/e.

I used to work and have 2 x pre-schoolers and I spent the week-ends trying to cram everything else in which I found a struggle. I was very glad to be offered redundancy when my kids were 2 and 4 and have relished my free time and improved quality of life since then

OO I also know several people wo work part-time and put tehir children in nursery or pre-school on their days off. Seems quite normal to me

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I know, but for me the whole point of working 3 days, is to see them on my days off. Then again, some days I would pay ££££££££ for somebody to take them away!

But that's life isn't it - they have made their choices! Nobody says it's easy and if you have kids I think you have accept that your 'child free time' is going to be rather limited!!

I feel sorry for the child - it sounds like he barely sees his parents.

Personally I use a day nursery to give me some free time as I have no family local to give me support.

I know many people ( working or SAHM ) who have sisters or mums around who can take the childrenn for an hour, a day or a weekend so tha the parents can do other things -- it all seems very normal to me

I don't know anyone that sees their own child for one day a week.

Yes I agree with olive I think. My two have childcare on the 3 days I am working. But I have been known to take a day off work to go Christmas shopping and sent them to nursery rather than dragging them with me. I know they would prefer to be at nursery than on an extended shopping trip.

Presumably the parents see the child every week-day evening from 5 pm