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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Pruni · 05/01/2006 12:43

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JoolsToo · 05/01/2006 12:45

I've just read the OP and I'm upset and shocked.

I'm also a bit surprised that all the sympathy is for the mother. What about that poor little boy? My heart breaks for him - I can't say anymore

lockets · 05/01/2006 12:46

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Pruni · 05/01/2006 12:47

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SleepyJess · 05/01/2006 12:49

Sugarbaby why not suggest your nephhew comes to you one one day a week instead of nursery? That way he gets some family time and also gets more used to being around another child in a home environment before his baby sibling arrives. This is a proactive way you could help with the situation a bit.. and save your sis some money.

Marina · 05/01/2006 12:50

Excellent suggestion SJ. Exactly what a concerned aunt might do and I'd certainly do that for my sis in this kind of scenario.

Passionflower · 05/01/2006 12:51

Me too JT.

Yummymummy24 · 05/01/2006 12:52

fab idea sleepyjess maybe sgarbabe wont be so obsessed about the poor kid then and relationship with sister would also improve. glad we've arranged her life for her now i feel so proud lol x

tamum · 05/01/2006 12:53

It does sound very much as though your sister is almost scared of spending time with her son, because she just doesn't know how to interact. I have certainly come across this situation before.

mummyhill · 05/01/2006 13:08

I love my children dearly and am a sahm till 13th feb when I have to return to work. With stresses of working till gone midnight and then looking after the children as well I think a week minus them durring the day would be heaven.

Caligula · 05/01/2006 13:10

Of course we've all got sympathy for the son, but that's not much practical use to him, is it? Just as disapproval of the mother, without concrete support, is not much use to her or her family. I know damn well what my response would have been to someone criticising me in the situation I was in - "so give me the f*king income I need to stay at home with my DS and still keep a roof over our heads". I would not have welcomed criticism without support.

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 13:13

but isn't the point that she doesn't even seem to want to spend time with him at the weekends or holiday time either? She can't really use the argument that she's doing it to put a roof over their heads. I'm all for needing a bit of "me" time and think it is really important, but its a bit much to not spend anytime at all with your child surely?

lovecloud · 05/01/2006 13:13

No you are not being judegmental and the people on her who jumped on you obviously feel the shame your sister should feel.

Not knowing what toys he plays with???

Sending him to nursery when she has a week off?

Getting pregnant again???

I am with you all they way here!

Yes not everyone can stay at home and raise their children and some can not manage to cut costs and work part time like myself as they have massive deaths etc.

Some mums on mumsnet who bang on about how working full time is not basd for their children arein denial.

Who care about holidays, material things, what you can give them. They just need you and your attention, they dont need you 24 hours 7 days a week but they do need you more than a couple of hours a day and on the weekend.

I am only aiming this at mums who "choose" to work full time because they say they cant imagine being at home all day etc.

I have less than all my friends and i dont care because i get "raise" my child.

We do struggle financially but who doesnt?
We got debts, old car, odd furniture etc.

We have rough months but whats important in life is our health and being together.

My dd is almost three and i cant believe how fast that has gone - i would not have missed the days we have spent for anything.

Thats my opinion and how i feel - you cant judge me for that.

People make their own choices and have to live with it.

lockets · 05/01/2006 13:14

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puddle · 05/01/2006 13:14

But I don't think the OP was criticising the sister for going to work and using a nursery. She was surprised that her sister used the nursery all week when she was on holiday, even sending him in at 8.00. In addition to spending only one day with him at the weekend.

lovecloud · 05/01/2006 13:17

Your sister is basically a mum for one day and a few hours a week - worth it?

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 13:18

I agree with Puddle that is how I read it. She didn't seem to be saying it was the fact her sister worked but that she didn't want to spend any time with her son when she was actually off.

lockets · 05/01/2006 13:19

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Pruni · 05/01/2006 13:20

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Marina · 05/01/2006 13:21

My material thing is definitely the selfish luxury of a roof over my children's head too Pruni.

Enid · 05/01/2006 13:24

i have only read the op btw

yes you are being judgemental and its not worth getting your knickers in a twist over it

but FWIW I agree its crap to have a week off and still send your child to nursery. A day yes, a week is just sad.

Caligula · 05/01/2006 13:26

But that's my point bosscat and lockets - that the fact that she has to work is what is making it difficult for her to manage her child outside of work, for whatever reason.

Possibly.

This is all just speculation remember - we don't know why this woman chooses not to spend time with her child. There could be any number of reasons (PND, relationship strain, general going round the bendness which occasionally seizes mothers who have had the shock of going back to work after their first baby).

My point is that it's very easy to criticise something without really knowing the reasons, and if you want to criticise, it's always a good idea to offer some positive support along with the negative comments.

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 13:26

I totally agree. I can see myself using maybe one or even two days at a push. But there's no way I'd send them for a whole week. God, I'd feel terrible I really would. Although having said that ds1 absolutely loves his nursery and would probably prefer it to being dragged round Sainsbury's.

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 13:29

oops sorry Caligula posts crossed. I agree with you, it isn't normal for someone to actually not want to spend time with her children. There is probably something else going on and its hard to judge. Having said that though I vividly remember a friend of mine who told me the reason she worked full time and put her children into holiday clubs all summer was because she couldn't stand being with them. I don't know whether that was just bravado though but it seemed a strange thing to say and she said it quite proudly as if somehow that made her a more modern woman than me.

Caligula · 05/01/2006 13:29

I think the fact that she's sent her for a whole week does indicate that she doesn't feel able to cope.