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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Mercy · 05/01/2006 13:52

What about the father? Can he not help with the housework or look after his son one day at the weekend so both parents get a rest?

Something doesn't sound right to me

Marina · 05/01/2006 13:52

I sit in the "know I'm lucky to have an interesting, child-friendly job but would still pack it in tomorrow if I could" camp. It's not my children who suffer from the excellent arrangements I have in place for them in term-time, it's me, tbh.

melrose · 05/01/2006 13:53

Yes you are being judgemental. My DS is in nursery 3 days a week and went in the week before Christmas despite DH and me being off work. Gave us 3 days to blitz the house and spend some much needed time together re-charging the batteries. Think it led to a happier Christmas all round and do not feel in the least bit guilty.

However a friend was appalled that I had done this and made sure I knew it!

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Sadeyedladyofthelowlands · 05/01/2006 13:58

Not judgemental at all. Why have a child and pay someone else to raise him? Which is, in a nutshell, what your sister is doing. I feel gulity if my friend takes dd for the day once a month. I have no family near me but even if I did I would still be a SAHM so I'd know exactly what she's learning / eating / playing with etc. What if she had a tummy ache and I had no idea what she'd been eating? Or started swearing or cursing and I had no idea where she'd heard those words? I'd be devestated to have my child grow up under the guidance of someone else. My daughter is a joy to me and I know 100% that my (and my dh's)input and time and influence on her has filled her with all the ingredients she needs to be a happy, well-rounded child. No-one who leaves their child for 6 days out of 7 can say that.

I know I sound self righteous but I make no appology for that, today for the first time dd clapped her hands together when I said "clap handies" I was so proud, I hugged her so tight and thought "I taught her that." You can't ever get those moments back.

FairyMum · 05/01/2006 13:58

Like I have already said, I don't think you are being judgemental as such because she does seem to spend very little time and take little interest (don't know what toy he plays with etc). But regarding the holidays.....my DS1 who is 4 asks to go to nursery after a few days at home. He misses his friend and the fun. Some children do actually love nursery. I am the mother who drags mine kicking and screaming home. He is the first to leave and he hates missing out on the action. For some reason it is often assumed that children don't like being in nursery I feel.

FairyMum · 05/01/2006 14:01

And I am not "paying someone else to raise them". I raise them AND they go to nursery. I think this thread is about not spending any time with your child at all, not about a child going to nursery. I could always say how sorry I feel for children who miss out on a good nursery education, but it's not really what this thread is about I think.

Caligula · 05/01/2006 14:02

Oh God.

So I presume you'll be home-educating Sadeyed. You wouldn't want to miss the precious moment where your child learns to read.

melrose · 05/01/2006 14:03

Fairy mum, I so agree with you. I get so fed up with people thinking I am in some way giving my child "second best" bys ending him to nursery 3 days a week. He is 18 mo and I was worried he wouold be clingy when I took himin on Tuesday after 10 days at home, but no, he waved "bye bye" and ran straight in to the other kids and was full ofbeans when he came home.
In fact when he is at home with me all day I think he gets bored

lockets · 05/01/2006 14:05

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fancyhat · 05/01/2006 14:06

haven't read all the posts but one thing that immediately comes to my mind re the one day of the weekend being spent with gps is that as working parents with things that need doing in the house at the weekend they have probably made the choice that it is better to get them done, all at once, without trying to simultaneously look after the little one (you know the score...lots of "not right now" "mummy's busy" etc etc) in order to totally free up the other day to give ds proper and full attention. I much prefer - when I can - doing things that way, and I think kids generally prefer it too. Otherwise it's a whole weekend of everyone getting frustrated and no-one doing what they'd like

Enid · 05/01/2006 14:08

oh fgs

tidy the house in the evening when they are in bed

or live in a messy house

its not rocket science

TeddyRobinson · 05/01/2006 14:10

YEs lockets - it's going rather off topic now isn't it?

Hi, it's me btw

lockets · 05/01/2006 14:12

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harpsichordcarrier · 05/01/2006 14:12

enid

Sadeyedladyofthelowlands · 05/01/2006 14:13

Fairymum, not talking about you, taking about sugarbaby's sister who if you read her original post sends her child to nursery and gran's 6 days out of 7.

Caligula - no need to be nasty, she's only 7 months old and so precious to me, it was a very rewarding moment; the first feedback I have had from her. Just wanted to give an example of why I want to be with her all the time until she's old enough for tumble tots and playschool etc.

Enid · 05/01/2006 14:13

take them out at the weekend for goodness sake.

when do you ever get to go swimming together or go for a long walk? When do you go shopping with your kids? If you work full-time that is what the weekend is FOR.

LET them be bored fgs. Its good for them to see how you look after your house. You could always, shock of shocks, get them to help you tidy.

Madness.

lockets · 05/01/2006 14:13

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Sadeyedladyofthelowlands · 05/01/2006 14:13

Nice one enid

bossykate · 05/01/2006 14:14

enid, have you at any point worked f/t since the birth of your children?

lockets · 05/01/2006 14:15

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puff · 05/01/2006 14:15

If she's working full time and finding it very tough and utilising nursery and family for extra childcare during holidays/weekends because she's exhausted........well.......................there are far worse things in the world.

Maybe she'll come into her own as a parent when the children are a little older, some people find the baby and toddler years v hard and if she copes by using the nursery a bit more etc I don't see the problem.

Dinosaur · 05/01/2006 14:16

Blimey, I'd rather die than go shopping with my kids at the weekend. That's the last thing weekends are for, imo.

Enid · 05/01/2006 14:16

no bk, I only work till 3. But my dh works full time and thats what he does.

harpsichordcarrier · 05/01/2006 14:16

bossykate ask me! ask me!

Caligula · 05/01/2006 14:17

Sorry Sadeyed. It just came across as if everyone should be waiting with baited breath for the next precious moment and if they're not, they're all Joan Crawford type Mommies. Ignore me, I'm feeling stroppy today!