What to expect with Social Services inviting themselves into our lives and accusing my partner of domestic abuse?

[mumof2beebies]

Hi, we have a meeting coming up with social services to find out 'how they can support us' I'm skeptical and didn't ask for this.
Bassically me and my partner have two children, a 4yo with special needs and a 1 year old. Me and him were arguing alot and a few months ago I called the police because he locked me out of the house, they came and I apologized for wasting their time and they said well we're gonna have to send a note to social services because of the the domestic alteration, even though there was no violence, me and him made up instantly and I regreted calling them over something stupid like that. We had the lead of our Caf support team come out to see us (they meet up to support us with my 4 yr old getting everything he needs, he's in need of a diagnosis right now, because of all his delays). The early years support worker came out to do a home check and said it's all fine, I joked that my partner had his own room (we have 2 living rooms, one a kids room and one with a huge tv and xbox, my partner does spend most of his time with us and certainly does half the chores and parenting). We are equal. so he asked to speak to me alone and questioned whether my partner was controlling, I said no of course not.
Then a few weeks later we broke up breifly (last month.) I stayed in a hostel for a couple of days, then wanted to come home with the kids because me and my partner felt ready after our little break. But the person leading the CAF team (that we've only ever met twice) called and said that he doesn't think I'm being honest with him and that he thinks I must have been scared to leave in 'such a rush' and go to a hostel. I said no, I just needed to get away from the silly bickering, but we're okay now, and it's much worse for the kids in this hostel, we'd all picked up infections and the kids were missing their dad. The CAF team leader 'support worker' said no he thinks I'm not being honest and he thinks I'm a victim of some kind of domestic violence or abuse, because he knows that my son wet the bed and seems angry, I said that's because of his special needs, he doesn't even know my child. I said that's ridiculous, that I would be a victim of anything to my partner, I'm perfectly half to blame for our argument. He said well he'll be telling the social services he thinks the children are at risk if I go back, because he thinks my son's behaviour is systoms of trauma. (but we're quite sure he's autistic). So I stayed in the hostel for about 2 weeks, isolated with both kids, because I was scared social services would take the kids off me. I was then hospitalised with a bad chest infection I picked up from the hostel, because I have immuno-deficiency disease and was in hospital for a week on oxygen and all sorts. I get ill often, that's one reason why my partner is such an intrinsinc part of our lives, he does a lot of the parenting. I was in hospital for just over a week and my partner looked after our children and took good care of them and brought them to see me every day, because he's a good dad to them. He gets our son ready and takes him to nursery every day while I sleep in the morning with our baby, that's what kinda dad he is. Anyway, this support worker found out my partner was looking after the kids and called social services. A social worker came out to visit us along with our usual health visitor on the day I was discharged so I got to come to the meeting back at our house, and my partner's mum was there as she had been helping with the care of the children, like she usually does.
The social worker said they must have got their wires crossed, there doesn't appear to be domestic violence as I've never accused him of it, there's no evidence of it, etc, therefor no grounds for social services involvement, and she said of course I can come home, without any worry of them. So we were unbelievably relieved, went and got my things from the hostel and all moved home and we've been happy since.
Then last week the social worker called me and told me that she spoke to the hostel manager and she said that I had told her they'd been domestic abuse, which is false, and she only got this idea from the 'support' worker who was threatening me with SS if I went back, as they spoke on the phone on a few occasions, as he'd instructed her not to let my partner visit me and my kids. When I arrived at the hostel I did have a long talk with her and say that I'm sick of the arguing, as it obviously peaked before I left and that he had locked me out of the house. So the social worker repeated back to me that I'd said he had locked me out of the house (as the worst example they could could up with for there being 'domestic abuse/violence') and I said yes, that did happen but I'm not a victim of DV, I've locked him out before, for gods sakes. The social worker fobbed off what I was saying and declared that they were going to get involved to see how they can help, now.
So Social Services are getting involved now under the false ASSumption that my partner is abusive and I'm a victim of DV.
I want to tell them not to come near us, as we have enough support already from the CAF team, including the nursery manager, our health visitor and speach and language person and such, and I'm quite pro-active in arranging all the appointments for my son's special needs.

Do I have any legal right to tell them to go to hell?? I'm so stressed, that they're doing this, as I know they look for everything possible wrong, and they're scare mongerers, and that they can threaten to take the kids off us if we don't seperate, if they feel like it.
It's also slander to both of us, my partner obviously, and also to me for suggesting that I'd have my kids around DV.

What do we do?

Very well said BabyDubs

agree with alouiseg

I think there is a difference between confronting someone and backing them into a corner where they will only get more defensive and less co-operative. The less skilled social workers I have seen do this. And it doesn't help.

there aren't a bunch of fabulous warm and loving foster parents out there. the good ones are scarce and all of them are very, very expensive. Your taxes pay for that.

So give the op some credit for continuing to engage and at least giving the impression that she knows all is not as it should be. the best place for all children to be is with their parents, provided that the parents can parent to a good enough standard. If the op can be helped to do that, I really hope it works.

She has to be grown up enough to accept that she needs help and to grit her teeth when need be. Some social workers are not brilliant with their people skills but they all do what they do for the right reasons; believe me you wouldn't do an unbelievably stressful and poorly paid job where you were at frequent risk of physical abuse unless your heart was in the right place.

Some people paint themselves into their own corners though, and this is happening here imo; the defensiveness, hostility to SS, hints that they are somehow above the law and that they operate outside the rules, that they apply rules unfairly to people who grew up on council estates, and the preoccupation with not splitting the family up are all too obvious.

I have to say I agree with MaryZ and BabyDubs here.

I think the OP still sees the SS as Enemy Number One here.

I've locked my husband out, he's locked me out (all many years prior to having our DS) because we've been pretty volatile in the past in terms of verbal arguments, so i don't think there's much sinister in that tbh. But i agree that staying in a hostel with children seems to infer there's more in it than that. I'd never resort to taking my DS to a hostel unless i was in huge trouble. For a start he'd miss his daddy too much, let alone how unsettling it is.

As others have said, you called the police - they have a duty of care towards you and, to be fair, it's reassuring to me that they're doing their jobs properly. Engage with SS - even if it's agreeing to do some anger management course or something.

We can agree to do anger management, but none of us suffer from anger as such. We could do relationship counselling, but we're doing really well between us now.

If anyone knew the history you'd understand me seeing SS as enemy number one. They've lied and manipulated me in the past.
And all I know of them from what I've seen is them taking babies from people that need support. So if you looked at it from this point of veiw, you'd understand my fear of them.

so you've had involvement with them previously then?

So you are going to refuse all offers of help then ?

Just dismiss everything ? You may not get much of a choice in that.

You are very foolish.

I genuinely can't see how you can claim not to have anger or relationship issues if you've locked each other out of the house and have explosive so-bad-you-want-to-leave-for-a-couple-of-days rows. Sure things are fine now, but how can you feel confident they'll stay that way?

If anyone knew the history you'd understand me seeing SS as enemy number one. They've lied and manipulated me in the past.
And all I know of them from what I've seen is them taking babies from people that need support.

What happened?!?!

Well, you told the hostel people a lie (that you needed emergency accommodation when you didn't). You told the police an implied lie (that you needed protection when you didn't). If you ask for help, you can't blame people for thinking you need it. Especially seeing how scarce resources are these days: most people would think twice before they wasted police resources or hostel resources unless there was a really serious emergency.

My exILs had episodes of locking out too, and exMIL also left once and headed back to her mother's by train with all of her kids. exFIL once broke his DD's leg spanking her. No involvement from anyone who could have effectively intervened, no charges ever brought or report made of the broken leg as exFIL was a doctor and one of his friends treated my exSIL. Unhappy, miserable family, and it continues through the generations.

OP, if you can't see yourself as SS will see you, then they will worry about your children and rightly. You have to take the long view and stop insisting that as you and the DP are getting on fine right now all is well. The two of you have managed to raise too many red flags, and SS will not go away just because you're getting on ok today.

mathanxiety That must have been a hell of a smack! How does you exSIL feel about that?

The matter was never discussed. I heard of it as a sort of funny family story . There are a lot of seething undercurrents in my exILs family though. I haven't spoken to any of them for years as they have cut me out of their lives completely.

I know it was an ill judged decision to call the police, I didn't tell them I needed protection, I told them we were having a domestic. It was utterly stupid of me.
I left to go into the hostel when my son woke up crying due to hearing us argue, and I felt sick with guilt. I hated my partner for shouting so my child could hear, so I left.
Now we both feel guilty as hell for the stress we put the kids under during the time we were arguing.
We've had a good relationship now for a few weeks and we both have an understanding that if things get like that again, he's going to go to his mothers. But for now things are good, we bite our tongues if we start arguing in front of the kids, and remind each other that it upsets them.

I was involved with SS, when I was 15, I had a baby and I went straight from the hospital into foster care. I wanted to stay with my baby and be a mum to him, but SS had other ideas. They thought my child should be adopted, so they did that. I fought through the courts for a year, but because they'd placed him seperately to me for so long the judge didn't see much reason why he should go back to me. I suffered deprssion during the time they withheld my baby from me, and they finally adopted him by saying my depression could emotionally hurt my baby in future.
That was 10 years ago.
When I had my son whose now 4 I went through parenting classes, childcare courses, all sorts and they were satisfied with me.
Both me and my partner love our kids and would never smack them, and want to keep them away from stress, which is why we realised the arguing isn't good, which is why I left when things got so stressful.

Of course I'm scared of SS being involved now, and I'm defensive, because from my experience with them, they didn't seem to care back then, they just wanted a simple adoption cut and dry and didn't seem to see any importance of me being with my baby.
I'm trying to have faith that this time it will be different.
If I hadn't been through the involvement with them before, then I wouldn't have these worries now.

The posts on here have been helpful, because I'm getting used to how others will think of our situation. And I can tell them now, that I understand why theyre concerned, but I just hope to god they don't try and break our family up, when we're doing much better now.
Our relationship was volatile for a few days before I left with the kids, but it's not like that now, and we never intend for it to get like that ever again. My partner's mother has now said either of us are welcome to go and stay with her if things get near as bad again.

We decided early on that we wouldn't smack our kids at all, because it can easily get out of control, and if you're angry you can hit them harder than you realise, my boy get's put on the stairs if he's really bad.

that last post sounds much, much more considered and less panicky. I am sorry about your pervious experiences

panic and knee-jerk reactions, however, when the authorities are just doing their job, will raise their red markers

defensiveness will not come across at all well

this will sound patronising (sorry, can't be helped) but if you deal with them in this vein I am sure they will open and shut your case

demonstrating that you are learning from past mistakes bodes well x

You have been through a lot and I wonder if you were ever offered help in grieving for the first baby or counselling to come to terms with the loss?

What sort of support did you have in place for yourself and the baby when you had him? Did you have a roof over your head, supportive parents or relatives to help you take care of yourself and the baby? Did you have an education plan for yourself? If you had none of these in place then you being with your baby would not have been important to them or to the judge. They are there to put the welfare of the baby first.

It is very understandable that your sense of loss is strong and your fear of future loss too, but it is hard to understand how you are not seeing the lesson to be learned from that experience, that you must not back into a corner and make plans for the future that are not much of an improvement over the past. Clearing out to his mum's is not different from you leaving for a hostel. It is exactly the same unhealthy way of dealing with things. If you want SS off your back then you will have to commit to permanent change and much personal growth, and you must try to see things from the pov of people whose job it is to keep your children's lives as positive as possible.

In this case, with the children you now have, the welfare of the children is again going to be first. You have to understand that and accept that. 'They' are not going to let you and the DP just get on with it, arguing and fighting or planning to leave for his mum's if things get bad, because that is really bad for the children. You really must understand that this is a terrible pattern for the children to be exposed to. You really must commit yourselves to improve drastically, relearn what it means to have a healthy relationship, or learn for the first time how to communicate, how to argue in a healthy way, how to disagree and talk through things, deal with stress and feelings.

I am so shocked that SS took your baby away from you. How can anyone not think (including the judge) that it's important for a baby to be with it's mother! You must have been devastated. How do you feel about it now? I honestly can't understand why they would do that! It's like a story from 100 years ago or something. I just don't get it. Was there any other reason for them to take your baby away, drugs etc? Depression isn't enough in my opinion.

Having your baby taken away must have been devastating and I can see now why you might think social workers are baby snatchers.

You say that you went straight from the hospital into foster care, can I assume that you mean you and not just the baby? Why did you go into foster care. What had happened at home to nessesitate this? Were your parents able to support you, if not why not? Many young girls are placed in foster care with their baby and given support to care for the child. Why were you first seperated from your baby?

I am very sorry for what happened to you at 15, it would be entirely normal to suffer depression in those circumstances. However I find it hard to believe that s/workers had no justifiable reason to seek adoption.

If it's not too nosy (I keep asking questions!) how was your relationship with your 4 year old son's father. Was it volatile? Do you have contact with your family and do they help and support you now?

As others have said having an escape plan for a few days is not what SS will want to hear. They will be far happier if the pair of you can deal with your differences in a more constructive way. By saying you can go & stay with relatives when it gets bad suggests that the arguing and fighting is bad and likely to continue. You need to learn how to discuss things rationally and listen to each other.

This happens and those on the receiving end of S.S. actions are forbidden to speak out. S.S. are a blunt instrument; sometimes they get it right, sometimes they don't. You only hear of the cock ups when they result in a death and the matter has to become public.
That is why it is necessary to exercise caution before engaging with them. No matter how well intentioned, it is irresponsible to tell this OP that her children need SS intervention, without knowing all the facts.
It seems clear that the OP and her partner should get some advice and support. Unfortunately her own actions, which she admits were ill-advised, have made engagement with S.S. an inevitability. For the sake of the children, they would do well to handle that engagement appropriately.

I don't know what else to say, I wasn't on drugs, it looked like I was gonna get him back to everyone, until last minute. They lied to me to try and get me to sign the papers, and didn't tell me about all the support I should have been having.
I didn't have any support in place. It was a male social worker who was in charge, who was the most unsympathetic person I'd ever met. I barely met him 2 or 3 times and he decided on the adoption.

I've not known them to help, ever.

Maybe I can just admit the arguing is bad for the kids and say we're getting better. But if their suspicious that he's abusive I don't wanna imagine what will happen.
I'm always ill, DP spent an hour putting both kids to bed tonight while I napped. It's so ridiculous that they may try and take that support away, under an assumption. And next time I get to the hospitalisation point I'll be too worried to get admitted if they think my partner isn't good. My son with SN wouldn't cope in foster care. Uh it's all a mess.

It's just really stressful.

Thanks for some really supportive posts, and being realistic even if it's not the assuring I origionally wanted.
This is serious >:(

Sleep on it.

When is the visit ?

my dad took me out of care just before my 16th, so when I turned 16 SS didn't have any responsibility for me when I asked them to take us back into care because homelife was bad, they said they'll look after my baby for a few days if things are so bad, so we did that. Then it was a spindle ofd crap about why they couldn't give him back 'yet', I'll get him back soon. I started to suffer depression and they started to reduce contact, then they said we're getting an intrim care order now and we're going to adopt him. They kept from me that he was in voluntry care before that, and it turns out I could have took him back, but they made me believe otherwise. After the whole case it also turned out I should have had a social worker for me, to tell me my rights and support me, they kept that info from me. They lied that I wouldn't get any contact after the adoption if I didn't sign the papers, and that if I did sign them I may be able to see him. Luckily I met the APs and they told me that wasn't true, and the SWs acted like they didn't know where I got that from.

next week. We'll see.
I'm fuming now thinking about it all.
I will, thanks