What to expect with Social Services inviting themselves into our lives and accusing my partner of domestic abuse?

[mumof2beebies]

Hi, we have a meeting coming up with social services to find out 'how they can support us' I'm skeptical and didn't ask for this.
Bassically me and my partner have two children, a 4yo with special needs and a 1 year old. Me and him were arguing alot and a few months ago I called the police because he locked me out of the house, they came and I apologized for wasting their time and they said well we're gonna have to send a note to social services because of the the domestic alteration, even though there was no violence, me and him made up instantly and I regreted calling them over something stupid like that. We had the lead of our Caf support team come out to see us (they meet up to support us with my 4 yr old getting everything he needs, he's in need of a diagnosis right now, because of all his delays). The early years support worker came out to do a home check and said it's all fine, I joked that my partner had his own room (we have 2 living rooms, one a kids room and one with a huge tv and xbox, my partner does spend most of his time with us and certainly does half the chores and parenting). We are equal. so he asked to speak to me alone and questioned whether my partner was controlling, I said no of course not.
Then a few weeks later we broke up breifly (last month.) I stayed in a hostel for a couple of days, then wanted to come home with the kids because me and my partner felt ready after our little break. But the person leading the CAF team (that we've only ever met twice) called and said that he doesn't think I'm being honest with him and that he thinks I must have been scared to leave in 'such a rush' and go to a hostel. I said no, I just needed to get away from the silly bickering, but we're okay now, and it's much worse for the kids in this hostel, we'd all picked up infections and the kids were missing their dad. The CAF team leader 'support worker' said no he thinks I'm not being honest and he thinks I'm a victim of some kind of domestic violence or abuse, because he knows that my son wet the bed and seems angry, I said that's because of his special needs, he doesn't even know my child. I said that's ridiculous, that I would be a victim of anything to my partner, I'm perfectly half to blame for our argument. He said well he'll be telling the social services he thinks the children are at risk if I go back, because he thinks my son's behaviour is systoms of trauma. (but we're quite sure he's autistic). So I stayed in the hostel for about 2 weeks, isolated with both kids, because I was scared social services would take the kids off me. I was then hospitalised with a bad chest infection I picked up from the hostel, because I have immuno-deficiency disease and was in hospital for a week on oxygen and all sorts. I get ill often, that's one reason why my partner is such an intrinsinc part of our lives, he does a lot of the parenting. I was in hospital for just over a week and my partner looked after our children and took good care of them and brought them to see me every day, because he's a good dad to them. He gets our son ready and takes him to nursery every day while I sleep in the morning with our baby, that's what kinda dad he is. Anyway, this support worker found out my partner was looking after the kids and called social services. A social worker came out to visit us along with our usual health visitor on the day I was discharged so I got to come to the meeting back at our house, and my partner's mum was there as she had been helping with the care of the children, like she usually does.
The social worker said they must have got their wires crossed, there doesn't appear to be domestic violence as I've never accused him of it, there's no evidence of it, etc, therefor no grounds for social services involvement, and she said of course I can come home, without any worry of them. So we were unbelievably relieved, went and got my things from the hostel and all moved home and we've been happy since.
Then last week the social worker called me and told me that she spoke to the hostel manager and she said that I had told her they'd been domestic abuse, which is false, and she only got this idea from the 'support' worker who was threatening me with SS if I went back, as they spoke on the phone on a few occasions, as he'd instructed her not to let my partner visit me and my kids. When I arrived at the hostel I did have a long talk with her and say that I'm sick of the arguing, as it obviously peaked before I left and that he had locked me out of the house. So the social worker repeated back to me that I'd said he had locked me out of the house (as the worst example they could could up with for there being 'domestic abuse/violence') and I said yes, that did happen but I'm not a victim of DV, I've locked him out before, for gods sakes. The social worker fobbed off what I was saying and declared that they were going to get involved to see how they can help, now.
So Social Services are getting involved now under the false ASSumption that my partner is abusive and I'm a victim of DV.
I want to tell them not to come near us, as we have enough support already from the CAF team, including the nursery manager, our health visitor and speach and language person and such, and I'm quite pro-active in arranging all the appointments for my son's special needs.

Do I have any legal right to tell them to go to hell?? I'm so stressed, that they're doing this, as I know they look for everything possible wrong, and they're scare mongerers, and that they can threaten to take the kids off us if we don't seperate, if they feel like it.
It's also slander to both of us, my partner obviously, and also to me for suggesting that I'd have my kids around DV.

What do we do?

[CinnabarRed]

OP, please don't think I'm judging you because I'm not - I've never walked a mile in your shoes.

All I can comment on is the posts you've included on this thread. And those in isolation don't spell out a stable, calm home life for your children.

Please understand that from an outsider's point of view your domestic set up seems like it could possibly be made more stable for your children.

SS will want to help you, if you'll let them. Please be open and honest with them, and listen to their recommendations, and you have nothing to fear.

[Goblinchild]

You and your partner both sound as if some counselling or parenting classes would be helpful. It seems very teenager-like behaviour to me, but that's probably because I'm ancient.
Calling the police because you were pissed off, and then moving to a hostel with your children has started some big wheels in motion, probably because of the child protection issues. I do advise co-operation and honesty or the situation could deteriorate even further.

[follyfoot]

Maybe it will be a positive to have SS involved. You probably wont like me saying this but your family life sounds chaotic. None of us have any idea of what life is really like in your household, but its not 'normal' to lock each other out, and its certainly not 'normal' to have to go to a hostel to escape arguing.

Please dont get me wrong, I've lived through some extremely volatile times too, so am not judging you for being in this situation. But please take a step back and think about what effect living like this is having on both you and your children. And maybe think about starting to make some changes, perhaps with the help of social services.

[queenbathsheba]

OP, does your partner work and is he the father to both of your children?
Do you as a couple have a lot of stress and what causes most of this stress?
Do you both find it difficult to cope with your son's condition/behaviour?
Do you have a lot of financial worries?

What sort of support would actually help you? you mention disability money for your son, in what way will this help you in caring for your son? would this make life a lot easier for you? Do either you or your partner have a break from caring for you son?

Do you think your son needs a lot more "care" and parental input than most children his age?

Maybe social services will be able to offer you a lot of support if you are open and honest with them.

[mumof2beebies]

it all sounds chaotics because I'm writing all the worst stuff they have on us in a relatively small space.
Don't know about you lot, but actually going into a hostel was a normal thing for me growing up, I grew up on a council estate.
If I was a rich woman saying oh me and the kids went to stay in a hotel for a few days because me and the husband are going through a stressful patch that would sound so different wouldn't it?

I know social workers are understaffed that's their excuse for incidents like baby p. That's why I'm pretty incredilous at them using time to investigate us.
We already have a support team.

The hostel did turn into a hell hole for us because we were confined to one room, without the kids daddy, who is a massive part of their everyday life. And of course with all the infection of lots of people using same facilities, wasn't good for my weakened immune system.

[BeakerTheMuppetMuppet]

OP - please don't be so defensive towards people who will only have your best interest at heart.

it only makes them think you ARE hiding something.

everyone has trauma and stress in their lives, it's just mixed with health issues in both adults and children within one family they can become very messy and unhealthy at times.

sometimes an outsider's point of view will seem harsh and different from yours are.
They/we are not emotionally attached, and will make judgements on what is seen, it's human nature.
SS will have to do that too, but have guidelines and the law to enable them to do it more sympathetically and to help you, not make things worse.

[GypsyMoth]

what kind of hostel?? where did you get a referral from?

[mumof2beebies]

I walked into the the council office and said hubby had kicked us out, and they gave us accomodation as I knew they would. (he didnt actually kick us out, I just needed some space)
I didn't think staying elsewhere for a few days was uprooting my children. they actually got more attention from me in those few days, and I wanted to go home after two days. It was one specific worker who stopped us going back because of his suspicions, which were wrong

[queenbathsheba]

mumof2beebies, it must have been horrid for you staying in the hostel, in one tiny room, with few facilities, it really couldn't have been a "break" at all and I'm sure you missed the support that your partner offers in helping to care for the children.

Do you think maybe your partner and you have a relationship where you are very dependent upon each other?

[Northernlurker]

Well look - I'm not rich and I've managed 13 years of parenting without the police being called and anybody going off to a hostel. This is NOT a normal way to live.
Are you actually reading anybody's posts? If you respond to SS as you are doing here then I thin you will actually have a very serious situation on your hands. Denial is going to get you in to a far more difficult istuation than the one you've started off with.

[Goblinchild]

Most people know that hostels are often noisy, crowded, sharing facilities and not particularly well cared for. So to choose to take yourself and your children to one appears rather desperate, because however bad the hostel it must have been better than staying in your own home.
Unlike going to a hotel for a few days.
Do you not have any relatives who can help you out?

[Georgimama]

So you told them your husband had kicked you out in order to get what you wanted. Now you say that wasn't true. These kinds of lies bite one in the butt because they cause concerns in officialdom - for example that your husband threw his wife and two pre school children out of the family home and they had nowhere else to turn. Now you think everything is rosy again you are telling them - what exactly? Have you said you lied about the need for temporary accommodation?

[queenbathsheba]

Northern, don't be so keen to say that OP is in denial, everyone lives their own reality. Op has already said that "going into a hostel was normal when/where I grew up. Think again, maybe mum2 isn't actually denying anything.

[GypsyMoth]

you grew up on a council estate and say buggering off to hostels was normal????

[Goblinchild]

'I walked into the the council office and said hubby had kicked us out, and they gave us accomodation as I knew they would. (he didnt actually kick us out, I just needed some space)'

Do you not think it was unfair to give the authorities this impression of your partner? A man who would throw his wife and children out of their own home?
And you wonder why they are unsure of your word now, because in many classic DV situations the wife withdraws her complaint because of intimidation or fear of facing the reality.

[GypsyMoth]

you see,you lie to the authorities,this is what you get

someone in proper need may have required a hostel space....they are NOT for going for a break!!!

[Goblinchild]

x post Georgimama, I got talked to by a DS whilst trying to think.

[BeakerTheMuppetMuppet]

I'm not totally buying the 'i just walked into the council office and said hubby had kicked us out' bit.

You made yourself intentionally homeless, and they gave you accommodation, just like that?

Our local council would have given me a list of hotels and boarding houses and shown me to the nearest public telephone...unless there was a reason that you needed a hostel...with staff?

[queenbathsheba]

OP you mention that it was normal to stay in a hostel as a child growing up on a council estate. I'm interested in who stayed in a hostel and why did you know it would be easy to get a place when you told the council that you partner had thrown you out.

[MoreCrackThanHarlem]

Please try to take on board the advice you get here and not be do defensive. People are trying to help you

Your homelife does sound chaotic and volatile. You involved the police in a domestic disagreement so SS are inevitably involved.
If I were in your position I would jump through hoops to keep SS onside. You do sound as though you would benefit from some parenting advice and relationship counselling.

It worries me that you think these sorts of behaviours are 'normal', staying in emergency accommodation, calling the police to domestic incidents, and regularly separating from, then reuniting with, your partner.

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

It sounds like your children are living in chaos, I would work with SS and accept their help

[BalloonSlayer]

You told the council that your DH kicked you and your two DCs, one you believe has special needs, and one who is a baby, out of the house?

And now the SS think he's being abusive?

Oh.