What to expect with Social Services inviting themselves into our lives and accusing my partner of domestic abuse?

[mumof2beebies]

Hi, we have a meeting coming up with social services to find out 'how they can support us' I'm skeptical and didn't ask for this.
Bassically me and my partner have two children, a 4yo with special needs and a 1 year old. Me and him were arguing alot and a few months ago I called the police because he locked me out of the house, they came and I apologized for wasting their time and they said well we're gonna have to send a note to social services because of the the domestic alteration, even though there was no violence, me and him made up instantly and I regreted calling them over something stupid like that. We had the lead of our Caf support team come out to see us (they meet up to support us with my 4 yr old getting everything he needs, he's in need of a diagnosis right now, because of all his delays). The early years support worker came out to do a home check and said it's all fine, I joked that my partner had his own room (we have 2 living rooms, one a kids room and one with a huge tv and xbox, my partner does spend most of his time with us and certainly does half the chores and parenting). We are equal. so he asked to speak to me alone and questioned whether my partner was controlling, I said no of course not.
Then a few weeks later we broke up breifly (last month.) I stayed in a hostel for a couple of days, then wanted to come home with the kids because me and my partner felt ready after our little break. But the person leading the CAF team (that we've only ever met twice) called and said that he doesn't think I'm being honest with him and that he thinks I must have been scared to leave in 'such a rush' and go to a hostel. I said no, I just needed to get away from the silly bickering, but we're okay now, and it's much worse for the kids in this hostel, we'd all picked up infections and the kids were missing their dad. The CAF team leader 'support worker' said no he thinks I'm not being honest and he thinks I'm a victim of some kind of domestic violence or abuse, because he knows that my son wet the bed and seems angry, I said that's because of his special needs, he doesn't even know my child. I said that's ridiculous, that I would be a victim of anything to my partner, I'm perfectly half to blame for our argument. He said well he'll be telling the social services he thinks the children are at risk if I go back, because he thinks my son's behaviour is systoms of trauma. (but we're quite sure he's autistic). So I stayed in the hostel for about 2 weeks, isolated with both kids, because I was scared social services would take the kids off me. I was then hospitalised with a bad chest infection I picked up from the hostel, because I have immuno-deficiency disease and was in hospital for a week on oxygen and all sorts. I get ill often, that's one reason why my partner is such an intrinsinc part of our lives, he does a lot of the parenting. I was in hospital for just over a week and my partner looked after our children and took good care of them and brought them to see me every day, because he's a good dad to them. He gets our son ready and takes him to nursery every day while I sleep in the morning with our baby, that's what kinda dad he is. Anyway, this support worker found out my partner was looking after the kids and called social services. A social worker came out to visit us along with our usual health visitor on the day I was discharged so I got to come to the meeting back at our house, and my partner's mum was there as she had been helping with the care of the children, like she usually does.
The social worker said they must have got their wires crossed, there doesn't appear to be domestic violence as I've never accused him of it, there's no evidence of it, etc, therefor no grounds for social services involvement, and she said of course I can come home, without any worry of them. So we were unbelievably relieved, went and got my things from the hostel and all moved home and we've been happy since.
Then last week the social worker called me and told me that she spoke to the hostel manager and she said that I had told her they'd been domestic abuse, which is false, and she only got this idea from the 'support' worker who was threatening me with SS if I went back, as they spoke on the phone on a few occasions, as he'd instructed her not to let my partner visit me and my kids. When I arrived at the hostel I did have a long talk with her and say that I'm sick of the arguing, as it obviously peaked before I left and that he had locked me out of the house. So the social worker repeated back to me that I'd said he had locked me out of the house (as the worst example they could could up with for there being 'domestic abuse/violence') and I said yes, that did happen but I'm not a victim of DV, I've locked him out before, for gods sakes. The social worker fobbed off what I was saying and declared that they were going to get involved to see how they can help, now.
So Social Services are getting involved now under the false ASSumption that my partner is abusive and I'm a victim of DV.
I want to tell them not to come near us, as we have enough support already from the CAF team, including the nursery manager, our health visitor and speach and language person and such, and I'm quite pro-active in arranging all the appointments for my son's special needs.

Do I have any legal right to tell them to go to hell?? I'm so stressed, that they're doing this, as I know they look for everything possible wrong, and they're scare mongerers, and that they can threaten to take the kids off us if we don't seperate, if they feel like it.
It's also slander to both of us, my partner obviously, and also to me for suggesting that I'd have my kids around DV.

What do we do?

[mumof2beebies]

Well, I invited the devil into my own home.
It was short sighted of me, and yes I'm a young parent.
But I'll say one thing, there's not domestic violence or abuse from my partner.
It's people thinking that there is and I'm hiding it which is the problem. Looks like I brought that on myself.

Recurrent infrections in the gastrinal tract cause me not to be absorbing a lot of nutrients. I've had calcium on IV and magnesium a few times.

Yes we're getting support with his special needs, we have a CAF team especially for him, he's seen speach therapists, a doctor who's referred him to a paediatric consultant, and the nursery worker who is an important part of his life sets targets for us, potty training him is one big one now, so we're working together to do that.

Has anyone any advice on what we can do for this meeting to go smoothly and be positive without them just saying they don't think I'm being honest?
I'm very scared they'll try and force us to seperate. We've been very happy and haven't argued in a while. The kids are better off at home with us both.
Of course I know all of this is to focus on the kids needs.

[sungirltan]

oh dear. i presume your current care plan is through the childrens disabilty team (might be called slightly diff name where you are) and is provided by law because of your son's additional needs. CD don't deal with much else and any kind of additional intervention will come through a new initial assessment with different social workers so it seems like its starting all over again. frustrating but thats how it works.

forcibly accomodating children doesn't happen overnight unless they are at risk of significant harm. what is more likely is that they might end up with a child protection plan and intervention services/support in place.

i presume you know what was on the original CAF assessment? which of the 5 outcomes are not being met?

[itsabiggywhatdoidonow]

I think your caotic lifestyle and attention seeking behaviour has had a direct effect on your family....so you have told lies to the police and authorities about your husband and these lies have been belived are being taken very seriously and your poor dh is taking the flack. Have you ever been assesed or diagnosed ffr mh or personality disorder. As a SW this is what I would be pushing for Im afraid to say.

[Northernlurker]

Sorry Beaker - I didn't take in the 'unless'


I

[mumof2beebies]

mathananxiety I hope your judgemental ill informed post against me gave you some relief, why don't you grow up and go get some excersize to relieve stress. I'm looking for help.

I left with the kids when we were arguing bad, so obviously I'm not happy to put them through stress, we got away for some peace and quiet and it was damn good for us for that couple of days, until I'd resolved things with DH. My only regret is that I didn't have the money to go to a hotel instead.

[changingmynameagain]

The help you need is being offered to you on a plate by SS

Please take it

[mumof2beebies]

What did I lie to the police about?

My son isn't reaching many of the milestones for his age, and we're losing our home, that's what the CAF team were helping us with.

[mumof2beebies]

changingmynameagain

What help do they offer? Honest question

I've only heard of them threatening to take children.

[changingmynameagain]

You cried wolf once too often and it's come back to bite you on the bum.

Why are you losing your home?

[mathanxiety]

You should have plans in place, both of you, to go to parenting classes and also to anger management classes and even to relationship counselling plus individual counselling. 'We've been very happy and haven't argued in a while' isn't going to cut it. They are not going to just go away until the next time the two of you explode again. You have huge problems and you need to take them as seriously as the SS do.

You should resist the temptation to roll your eyes or interrupt people who are speaking at the meeting. You should not speak of needing a cigarette especially as you have had a chest infection. You should acknowledge that you have had some childhood problems and you should be willing to take any suggestions they make for improvement in your behaviour seriously. You should be open to the possibility that they will suspect you have a personality disorder as has been suggested.

[queenbathsheba]

itsabiggywhatdoidonow, your kidding surely

Mumof2 please tell us why you spent time between hostels and home as a child? I think this is very significant to you. Also why do you think social workers are baby snatchers.

However if you listen to itsabiggywhatdoidonow, you may actually have a point

[Goblinchild]

I don't think anyone here can help you, because you are not listening constructively to any of the suggestions.

[mathanxiety]

As for judgemental, ill-informed post -- yes, bite the hand that's trying to help you see how others see you. That will get you far.

[GypsyMoth]

you lied to authorities,i didnt say police,its local authority. the council. the hostel staff. you lied

you also said you were 'bickering' this has now become 'arguing bad'.....will it next become 'he pushed me',then 'he hit me'??

are you going to hostels and lying in order to get to top of local authority housing lst by pretending he is violent/throwing you out,making you homeless?? you say you are losing your home. private rented?

[GypsyMoth]

chest infections which hospitalise you.....and you say you need a cigarette??

[mathanxiety]

You seem to keep on insisting this is all about you, and that SS are trying to take something away from you, etc., but actually, while SS cares about you, it is your children and their welfare that they are primarily there for. If you feel the same, then you will start listening.

[Georgimama]

Indeed. Taking children away from their families is an option of last resort - it is expensive, involves a huge workload for an already stretched service and has less positive outcomes, statistically, than supporting a family to stay together.

Try not to respond at the meeting to suggestions or questions as you have done here, OP, and your family may get the help they need. But the SS are interested in your children's welfare, not yours.

[sungirltan]

itsabiggy - also think you might have a point.

mumof2beebies - help could involve a family support worker, parenting classes, referrals to other support agencies, regular supervision from a sw, anger management or counselling for either or both of you depending on the outcome of the assessment, extra nursery hours, some kind of health support for you, sessional work with a sw for your dc - these are random services i can think of and not prescriptive to your situation.

[queenbathsheba]

why oh why are MNers obsessed with personality disorders. DH works in forensics and it takes months for a diagnosis and actually if you used the definitions in the DSM, almost everyone would have something!

[TotalChaos]

excellent, practical advice by mathsanxiety in her 17.49 post. follow it.

can't speak for the rest of the OP's posts, but the SN stuff rings true - have myself been in the position of having a 4 year old with whopping language and social skills delay, stuck on a lengthy waiting list for paed assessment, with various hints dropped by professionals to expect a more serious DX than language delay.

[mumof2beebies]

lol I know I sound pretty outragious. I started smoking two weeks ago the minute that social worker called me. I'm keeping it to about 5 a day now.

Mathanxiety, thanks, you're last few posts have helped.
I'll try not to be defensive. It's such a stressful time though. I'm getting to the point where we're joking about walking in there looking like wayne and waynetta slob from harry enfeild. Because we just don't know what to do but make a joke of it.
I've known them to take kids off people I grew up with.
I'll try and just listen to their concerns and see what they can offer. I'd take counselling for myself. I don't want them to get even more involved if I say I've been troubled and make myself look even worse.

This thread has been helpful, because we need to get used to other people thinking the way the majourity of you do.

[Al0uiseG]

Do you or your boyfriend take drugs?

[mathanxiety]

You can't make yourself look worse by acknowledging you may have problems. It's when you won't acknowledge problems that you make yourself look worse.

[queenbathsheba]

mumof2, please accept the help and support offered. It may well be that if you get a good social worker they will speed things along with the paediatric assessment, help fill in the forms for the disability payments, put a package of support in place, lean on the LA so you get priority housing when needed.

I think you should investigate counseling for yourself because underlying your behaviour, reactions to stress and present life situation will always be your experiences as a child. Keep this in mind, because everything that happens to you now as a family will have long term effects on your kids.

[sungirltan]

i think some mediation work might be really good especially if a professional can help your and your partner dissolve arguments where you dont have to leave the house. you can self refer to relate anyway and afaik its free if you are benefit recipiants (could be wrong)

aside from all this i imagine the threat of losing your accomodation is very stressful. what is the situation with this? lots of mners have loads of housing rights knowledge - perhaps we can help?