What to expect with Social Services inviting themselves into our lives and accusing my partner of domestic abuse?

[mumof2beebies]

Hi, we have a meeting coming up with social services to find out 'how they can support us' I'm skeptical and didn't ask for this.
Bassically me and my partner have two children, a 4yo with special needs and a 1 year old. Me and him were arguing alot and a few months ago I called the police because he locked me out of the house, they came and I apologized for wasting their time and they said well we're gonna have to send a note to social services because of the the domestic alteration, even though there was no violence, me and him made up instantly and I regreted calling them over something stupid like that. We had the lead of our Caf support team come out to see us (they meet up to support us with my 4 yr old getting everything he needs, he's in need of a diagnosis right now, because of all his delays). The early years support worker came out to do a home check and said it's all fine, I joked that my partner had his own room (we have 2 living rooms, one a kids room and one with a huge tv and xbox, my partner does spend most of his time with us and certainly does half the chores and parenting). We are equal. so he asked to speak to me alone and questioned whether my partner was controlling, I said no of course not.
Then a few weeks later we broke up breifly (last month.) I stayed in a hostel for a couple of days, then wanted to come home with the kids because me and my partner felt ready after our little break. But the person leading the CAF team (that we've only ever met twice) called and said that he doesn't think I'm being honest with him and that he thinks I must have been scared to leave in 'such a rush' and go to a hostel. I said no, I just needed to get away from the silly bickering, but we're okay now, and it's much worse for the kids in this hostel, we'd all picked up infections and the kids were missing their dad. The CAF team leader 'support worker' said no he thinks I'm not being honest and he thinks I'm a victim of some kind of domestic violence or abuse, because he knows that my son wet the bed and seems angry, I said that's because of his special needs, he doesn't even know my child. I said that's ridiculous, that I would be a victim of anything to my partner, I'm perfectly half to blame for our argument. He said well he'll be telling the social services he thinks the children are at risk if I go back, because he thinks my son's behaviour is systoms of trauma. (but we're quite sure he's autistic). So I stayed in the hostel for about 2 weeks, isolated with both kids, because I was scared social services would take the kids off me. I was then hospitalised with a bad chest infection I picked up from the hostel, because I have immuno-deficiency disease and was in hospital for a week on oxygen and all sorts. I get ill often, that's one reason why my partner is such an intrinsinc part of our lives, he does a lot of the parenting. I was in hospital for just over a week and my partner looked after our children and took good care of them and brought them to see me every day, because he's a good dad to them. He gets our son ready and takes him to nursery every day while I sleep in the morning with our baby, that's what kinda dad he is. Anyway, this support worker found out my partner was looking after the kids and called social services. A social worker came out to visit us along with our usual health visitor on the day I was discharged so I got to come to the meeting back at our house, and my partner's mum was there as she had been helping with the care of the children, like she usually does.
The social worker said they must have got their wires crossed, there doesn't appear to be domestic violence as I've never accused him of it, there's no evidence of it, etc, therefor no grounds for social services involvement, and she said of course I can come home, without any worry of them. So we were unbelievably relieved, went and got my things from the hostel and all moved home and we've been happy since.
Then last week the social worker called me and told me that she spoke to the hostel manager and she said that I had told her they'd been domestic abuse, which is false, and she only got this idea from the 'support' worker who was threatening me with SS if I went back, as they spoke on the phone on a few occasions, as he'd instructed her not to let my partner visit me and my kids. When I arrived at the hostel I did have a long talk with her and say that I'm sick of the arguing, as it obviously peaked before I left and that he had locked me out of the house. So the social worker repeated back to me that I'd said he had locked me out of the house (as the worst example they could could up with for there being 'domestic abuse/violence') and I said yes, that did happen but I'm not a victim of DV, I've locked him out before, for gods sakes. The social worker fobbed off what I was saying and declared that they were going to get involved to see how they can help, now.
So Social Services are getting involved now under the false ASSumption that my partner is abusive and I'm a victim of DV.
I want to tell them not to come near us, as we have enough support already from the CAF team, including the nursery manager, our health visitor and speach and language person and such, and I'm quite pro-active in arranging all the appointments for my son's special needs.

Do I have any legal right to tell them to go to hell?? I'm so stressed, that they're doing this, as I know they look for everything possible wrong, and they're scare mongerers, and that they can threaten to take the kids off us if we don't seperate, if they feel like it.
It's also slander to both of us, my partner obviously, and also to me for suggesting that I'd have my kids around DV.

What do we do?

[DuelingFanjo]

and I have just realiused this is an old thread bumped by Juice888 to have a go at SS. there we go then. you have a too.

[DuelingFanjo]

"I know social workers are understaffed that's their excuse for incidents like baby p. That's why I'm pretty incredilous at them using time to investigate us."

you had my interest until you wrote that. Here's a

this is just another anti-social worker thread isn't it?
My mum worked in child protection for several years, they do not force adoptions, they do not put children into care unless there are serious concerns, they can't just come and take children away.

[melly810]

www.fassit.co.uk/ This site is to help people with problems with social services. They will take you seriously. They realise the problems with forced adoptions etc and they know why it is taking place. My hope is that things come to the publics attention and that something is done very quickly to stop this going on.

[melly810]

juice888 Since my horror story began I have met mums with horror stories and I have done a lot of research. You are correct in what you say. There are a few good workers out there. I had one once when I was very ill many years ago. However things now are different. I agree that these people can now be dangerous. The ones dealing with me have no interaction with my kids and they play me off against proffesionals like the schools doctors etc. All the proffesionals dealing with my kids are at a loss! This worker tells me that although these proffesionals say good things about us (even in writing and at meetings) she says behind my back they are secretly contacting her saying the opposite! Still all the proffesionals promise me they have no dealings with her other than those I know about! This is scary

[p99gmb]

a court has to decide that your kids have to be adopted - not a social worker.

I am a foster carer, and the social worker you met is certainly an exception - the ones I work with do everything and more to keep children at home wherever safely possible - parents are given so many chances and it is the ultimate last resort to have children in care and subsequently adopted.

If your children were taken into care, the LA would have to go to court/police to get 'permission' unless you voluntarily placed them in care. If they got the interim court order approved, they would then have to work with you - and you with them - to do everthing possible to have the children back with you.

They do not have a quota to fill - they have too many kids in care as it is and are overworked - she would not have the time to hassle you unless she thought she had good reason (and I'm not suggesting she has!).

I would suggest you get some legal advice - you can get some legal aid to help you find out exactly what her concerns are and what she has done to help and support you.

[melly810]

I would have to warn anyone to be very careful around ss now. They have targets to fill and I have good reason to believe that they dont all work for the welfare of the children. I asked for a little help because my son became very ill, I was working (as the law requires now!), struggling with the benifits system and the childrens father didn't help etc. I met a worker with my sister and all she kept saying was that she had reports from proffesionals showing i was neglectful and abusive etc. She then boldly said in front of my sister "to be honest, i dont think i like you much, i tell you now i am making it my goal to remove your children from your care". she took me to protection meeting where all these proffesionals agreed NOT to put my kids on protection. From that day on she turned very nasty. Now she is taking me to a meeting where i have to legally answer to charges of abuse in front of my ex husband and she said he can sign the forms to have my kids adopted! She has a quota to fill, she has seen what looks like an easy target, she has had her nose put out of joint and now me, my kids and my family feel abused, scared, hurt, frustrated, the list goes on!

[hester]

A woman suffering mental health hproblems shouldn't seek professional help? Or a woman being abused at home?

"There is not room for a reasonable debate on the issue": so I'm learning.

[cory]

"NEVER EVER get involved with Social Services no matter what your situation (unless you actually don't want your kids and they have nowhere else to go). If you are suffering domestic violence or mental health problems get help discretely and if possible away from so called 'professionals'. This may seem like bad advise, but for any help you may get with those problems, once Social Services have their claws in your children they will never take them out - and you cannot get help for this problem..."

This sounds like very unsafe advice to me. If we had followed it, we would not have had SS's support against dd's school, we would not have got help with her self-harming, we would have been left without support as a family. We have had SS involvement on and off for the last 7 years and I don't like to think where we would be without it. At no time have they suggested that either of our children should be taken into care, and they have always been happy to back off the moment we have been ready for it.

SS may get things wrong at times. So do doctors. Dd was seriously misdiagnosed by the local hospital, but I don't come on here advising parents never on any account to take their children to A&E. Because it would be dangerous advice. So is yours.

[p99gmb]

what utter rubbish

As a foster carer for our Social Services department I can't praise them enough for the children they help.

Sure, you hear the horror stories of so many missed oportunities, and none of us are perfect including Social Services but they SAVE so many lives, they IMPROVE so many lives and they SUPPORT so many families who need help - they'd much rather work with a family then remove children.

I am a foster carer, and yet I wouldn't want the responsibility of making such a crucial decision as to whether a child should be removed or is it safe for them to stay... could you sleep at night Juice888 ???

[Juice888]

There are a horrifying amount of people on here who are completely ignorant to Children Services and their partnership with family courts.

Together they tear families apart and destroy life's. A murder may be convicted, but Social Services will never ever be held accountable for their crimes. Because what they do is LEGAL in England.

NEVER EVER get involved with Social Services no matter what your situation (unless you actually don't want your kids and they have nowhere else to go). If you are suffering domestic violence or mental health problems get help discretely and if possible away from so called 'professionals'. This may seem like bad advise, but for any help you may get with those problems, once Social Services have their claws in your children they will never take them out - and you cannot get help for this problem...

There are the few lucky ones who have brief involvement. Then there are the 100s of 1000s of families who lifes are never the same again.

Research, research research. Child snatchers, forced adoption UK, England. Its real its happening and will continue to happen for a long time.

Never allow them in your house, never listen to their threats, never sign a 'section 20', and never ring them up 'asking for help' because what you are going to get is hell

This isn't biased nonsense, Im saying this as a warning to all loving parents. There is not room for a reasonable debate on the issue because the fact is, hundreds of children are LEGALLY ripped away from their families, and it all starts with a phone call to social services...

I hope this is a word of warning for anyone reading this forum or looking for help on this issue.

[wordfactory]

OP was this a child protection meeting?
Or is the meeting in seven weeks a CPR?

I was a child care lawyer for a long time and I'd be very wary of assuming this is an end ot things.

You have been in care yourself, have had a baby removed and have now presented yourself to the authorities as someone in need of intervention.
I'd be suprised if that was that.

[mumof2beebies]

Well, thanks again everyone.

It's been a stress few weeks during the build up to this meeting, incredibly so.

Today was the meeting, was nervous as hell.
Had the social worker, health visitor, and two of my son's nursery workers there.
The social worker brought up us being messy, and I admitted that we can be at times and that I think a little bit of stress is good when people are visting so I don't mind them coming round as it always encourages me to blitz the place, lol. I don't know if my remark was a bit careless??

We were talking about my son's difficulties and how I used to be able to put him in his pram during big tantrums while out, but now he's so big I don't have the physical strengh and we just have to wait, and I worry about taking both boys out in public by myself because of his problems (but luckily my partner is always on hand, so we cope).
And she wrote down that I find his problems hard to deal with sometimes.

There was no talk of mine and my partner's past arguing??

The social worker asked if there's anything we feel we need help with, I said, well I've contacted Relate for relationship counselling, but it costs a lot, and they mentioned you may be able to fund it. Well she said absolutely not, children's services don't have the funds for that.
And I said well we're doing really well now anyway, and the health visitor said aww yes you're doing well, etc

Then the nursery staff asked if my son could get funding for more nursery hours as they feel we'd all benefit from that. Again the social worker said no, they don't have money for that.
And the nursery staff said well maybe they can contact someone else who does (a 'preventetive worker' from the children's centre'.
They brought up DS not being potty trained at the age of 4, and we mentioned how we were going to work with he nursery to attempt to get over that big obsical, once again (we've tried before, but when his language is similar to a 2 year old and with his unwillingness to even comunicate, unless it's sparked by him, it's dfficult) and I said I'm worried about him being very distressed if he's left without a pull up to soil himself, because he doesn't understand it all. But we'll give it ago.
We told them we have a pediatric consultant appointment for him coming up and also the dentist, they assured us these meetings would help in order to get our son statmented to get the support he needs.
Before I knew it the meeting had ended! After just 35 minutes!


So it went incredibly well!
We're doing a 7 week 'children in need' type thing, which will involve home visits, and a review in a month, and it may well be put back down to a CAF meeting soon!

[mathanxiety]

Try to do a lot of thinking before following your impulses when it comes to the child who was adopted, as well as when dealing with your present family and relationships. You could ask yourself a few questions when you come up with a plan:
How is this going to be good for the children?
How is this going to be bad for the children?
What am I really trying to achieve if I do X and who will benefit?
Is this about me or about the other people?
What is a fact and what are my feelings here?

I would advise openness with SS when it comes to the first child and I would ask them for a referral to counselling about the loss if you can't find anyone to do it yourself.

[Spero]

op, I do think you have done really well to reflect and take things on board.

Your history puts a lot of this in context. I think you need to be honest with SS about your first child, they will almost certainly find out about it anyway. It might help all of you to have a better understanding of what went on back then. You were only a child yourself and it is hard for anyone in that situation to parent well.

I have had quite a few cases with teenage mothers and the problem often seems to be that they will kick against the restrictions in the foster placement, stay out late, not say where they are going, be rude to foster mother etc, etc. This is often no more than 'typical teenage' behaviour, but problem is, there is a baby waiting in the wings and after a couple of weeks of this the SS team are often fed up and have written mother off.

There is a great anxiety to try to get babies settled in a permanent home within the first year as research suggests that if you leave it much longer the child will grow up with emotional problems.

It might help you to get hold of your file and have a better understanding of what went on and why. I am sure the Judge thought long and hard before approving the adoption; if he hadn't, I am equally sure your barrister would have advised an appeal.

These are always hard decisions, but you will not be condemned for your past, certainly not when you were a child. But you do need to show you have understood the worries and you will work to change.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Mumof2beebies your posts really have struck a chord with me. You seem to have reflected a lot throughout this thread and hopefully you will reread it and absorb the advice. When a traumatic event happens, we develop an oversensitivity to the possibility of it happening again, and read signs into irrelevant things. It's a form of post traumatic stress. I'm not surprised you have gone into overdrive at the thought of SSD involvement. Try to keep it in perspective and remember it's not the same
Remember they do not want to remove your children. The reason that your first child was placed for adoption would not have been due to adoption targets. More likely to be a combination of lack of funds for a parent and baby placement and not prioritising the return to your care option due to real or perceived lack of ability to effect change. I know that some SWs would prefer not to give young, inexperienced parents a chance to improve as they don't have faith that they can do it (I'm talking about the young parents where there are concerns, not every young parent) but you are not that young inexperienced parent any more.

They may not indee know about your first child, but I still believe you should tell them, to put your anxieties in context.

[mummytime]

Okay I would connect, because it could be a hugely good thing.
When I was younger there were a lot of issues (a mother with a sever back problem and a grandmother with Altzheimers, Mum was a single parent). However by the time SS actually visited grandmother was in hopsital dying, if they'd got there earlier they might have been able to provide more support.

If you DS has ASD or any SN you will need help, and SS can provide this. Maybe some respite, maybe a homestart worker, maybe just a parenting course focused on your son's SN.

They know it is stressful. They also know that if a family can be kept together it is both better for the child and cheaper for the state.

I hope it goes well.

[mumof2beebies]

sorry if I'm dragging this thread out now, but it has helped.

I was expecting more of 'oh go see a lawyer to fight them off, theyre predators'
because that's how other people around me feel.
But your points of veiw have made me see how they think, so I might be able to connect with them more.

[mumof2beebies]

Thanks BabyDubsEverywhere
sigh :/
I do need to stop and think that I'm not coming across well, and that it can't be me vs them.
I know I make people more worried when I mention how theyre child snatcher, my last health visitor said she thought I suffered anxiety.
I saw a counsellor 2/3 years ago and had several appointments where I spent half hour crying hysterically about how they would take my baby, even though they werent even involved with me.
I know it makes me look crazy and defensive and most worsely; like I'm trying to hide something.
So I'm trying to chill.

Now I wander if I should even mention my first child, because I'm in a different area and I'm not sure they know about it.

[mumof2beebies]

mathanxiety, I think that's great advice. Thank you.
It's stuff I'm going to follow. Me and DP have agreed that counselling would be good, so we will take steps to get into that asap now you mention it.
About my first son, I have taken a few months to consider what my next step is there, in a way I would like to send him another present straight from a manufacturor, because I know he was happy with my last present and that he's enjoy it if I did it again.
However the adoptive parents asked me to do things through letterbox, and I'm thinking I need to respect their wishes right now, cause I know his a-dad is getting quite protective. They wrote to me to say how lovely it was to hear from me, but it was a shock and that they won't give him presents in future if I leave them on the door step.

So I do feel a little impulsive to make him happy in an immediate sense by ordering a present for his birthday, but I'm more likely to go along with the a-parents wishes now, and I appreciate your advice on that.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

OP Im sorry but i really dont think you are getting this, you are talking conspiracy stories with ref to SS, escape plans, asking peole to view your relationship based on the last couple of weeks rather than all the time before that, hostels being normal, comments on wealthly families getting away with the same behaviour, 'child snatchers'.

SS are involved with your family because to have alerted the authorities to a volatile relationship and two kids being dragged through the mud. They arent picking on you, it isnt a witch hunt. You basically told them you needed help. So they have come to help.

Please, please take some time to take stock of your life from an outsiders point of view, your attitude to the whole thing oozes from these posts so god only knows what ss/authorities are picking up from you.

They are not the enemy, they are there to look after children who arent being properly cared for. All your posts are from your POV, your take on things, your feelings about things. They dont care about you right now. They care about the children, they are their first priority. Try and put yourself in the childrens position. Are they your first priority??

[mathanxiety]

I want to add, what's coming through loud and clear from your posts is how strong your need is to be loved and how much of that need is being fulfilled by your children.

[mathanxiety]

Please stop quibbling and splitting hairs about what the word volatile means.

And please do not tell SS that your plan of action to deal with the problems in the relationship involves leaving the house for either one of you, if/when things get out of hand. That is not a plan. It is no change at all from what has been going on up to now.

As Homeboys says, you must never again leave a present for your first child. Showing the parents that you know where they and the child live amounts to stalking and could be interpreted as an aggressive intrusion into their lives. When it comes to that first child, you must assume the adoptive parents love him and take care of him lovingly, and when it comes to your relationship with him, you must put him and the relationship with the adoptive parents first. His bond with them is extremely important to him. Your feelings for him are of course extremely important to you, but as always, it is the child's relationships as seen from his point of view that must be put first here and not yours. You really should ask SS if there is any possibility of counselling for you to deal with the loss of that first child.

You need to ask yourself how the reintroduction of yourself into the child's life might feel for the child and not just for you. I think that pursuing this relationship at this time without any thought expressed as to what impact it might have on the child or on the family relationship he has now would not look good, as it shows a person who is quite wrapped up in her own drama and not really seeing how the child's best interests might be served through all of this.

Please sit down with your DP and get the phone book out and book yourselves into Relate before the meeting. You need an actual plan to look at things objectively and start improving. You need to acknowledge that 'things are going ok right now' and 'we will go next door instead of to the hostel' are not going to impress anyone, because both of those statements show you really do not understand what a normal relationship should consist of and what damage a volatile (yes it is volatile) relationship can do to children, and you need to be able to do this if SS are going to find you credible when you insist there isn't abuse and you have the best interests of your DCs in mind.

[mumof2beebies]

plop, it is devastating, I wanted to die for a few years, but I got strong, and decided I would be a good mother, and show them.
I have a childhood friend who suffered depression and had two babies as a teen, swiped off her. She is a real mess. And there's at least 3 other girls from where I lived who went through it in the same couple of years. SS adopting their children.
My family don't know of this stuff happening on such a scale when they were young, or even when I was a kid. I don't believe teen mums have suddenly become incapable risks to their children from the year 2000 onwards. That's why I suspect those government targets and bonuses had something to do with it all. But they stopped all that, so maybe they don't focus on getting adoptions now? sigh anyway,

My babies now, are the light of my life, so I don't think I'm anymore depressed than the next person these days

[mumof2beebies]

I wouldn't mind counselling