is DH touching dd inappropriately?

[stirling]

Hello,
this is difficult to post but i really need some opinions.
Will try to start from the beginning. When DD was born (now 3)my husband would always smile/laugh at her genitals and feel amazed that we have a girl. (already have a son aged 5). Ive seen him and his mother 'affectionately' pinching her nipples since she was a tiny baby and laughing.
DD is now 3 and Ive noticed that whenever DD needs clothes changed either for bedtime or morning, DH quickly whisks her upstairs(before I get to stand up) and then I hear her squealing and laughing 'no stop it!' (she is not distressed in anyway).

He also always wants to take her to wee (she is fully potty trained but needs help with clothes/wiping) and on a few occasions she has been wet and he's needed to change her. When Ive confronted him and asked him how she got wet, he says she lifts her bottom up to show how she wees..Im shocked because she has NEVER done this with me, nor do I think she could come up with the idea of showing how she wees.

He is always squeezing her bum -not such a crime but its very often.
My gut feeling is that he is fascinated by her and finds her very cute, my concern is him touching her when changing her clothes.

I confronted him today in totally the wrong way. I said that I know he finds her cute but that he should maybe not touch her genitals now that she is no longer a baby. He exploded with rage. He said he only tickles her (when undressed) and then he flicked me on my forehead and stormed off :(

I realise I took a huge risk and have probably jeapordised my marriage but at the same time if he is stroking/tickling/kissing her down below I feel it should stop.
Ive tried walking in on them to catch him but her pjs are usually slipped on by then.

Sorry this is long. Im taking her to get dressed/loo as much as I can but have been ill a lot lately and bed bound.
Any advice appreciated. Thankyou

Um, this sounds really really inappropriate and needs to stop. I don't think you are over reacting at all.

WTF is the flicking on the forehead about? Does he often respond physically to criticism?

i would agree - i think any touching of that area is wrong tbh (apart from toilet and bath obv)

I would think it was very odd TBH.I wouldn't touch dd this way and neither would dp so no you are not over reacting.

I'm not very good at answering these types of posts, but this shocked me.

I think the issue here is that you even think that you're DH is capable of this...

My DP could do a number of those things, take her to the loo, and I would never even question it, it would never enter my head as he is not a paedophile.

I think the serious thing here is that you are worried about it, and you would even think it- Your intuition.

It is you're responsibility as a Mother, if you think you can't trust your DH with your DD, to have him removed from the home.

The alternative is unbearable to think of..:-(

You need to call someone, perhaps NSPCC or something. Or someone else may have a better alternative to suggest.

Basically: yes, obviously it sounds odd and disturbing, but it is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone on here to judge the situation accurately, so you need some RL advice from professionals/trained people, even if over the phone. Urgently. Call them ASAP.

From what you describe, there was nothing wrong with the way you confronted him. Why do you think it was the wrong way? His reaction is far from reassuring.

And what's with the forehead flicking? So odd.

you need to actually see him doing somethign though.
can't you manouvre that somehow?

Totally inappropriate touching going on. I have never heard of any pinching nipples or laughing or smiling at a girl's genitals. I would plant a camera secretly to get proof.

I am hearing great big alarm bells.

What you post is not normal behaviour. It is deeply disturbing and it seems clear to me that sexual gratification is being obtained. It is not something that should be tolerated.

meant "anyone"

I'm sorry to say I agree completely with ihatesunday.

If you aren't sure you need to make sure from right now there isn't any chance of anything even being able to happen, either tell him to leave or at the very least make sure he isn't ever left alone with her until you feel you can (if ever) trust him.

It sounds wrong on so many levels. What is your gut feeling telling you? How would he react if you insisted on seeing to her?

are you both at home in the day, or just him?

yes it sounds inappropriate to me and any father who was confronted about this would realise it.

my Exp had a habit of playfully teasing ds1 when he was naked, ds1 enjoys being naked and i have never made an issue of it or made him feel uncomfortable but Exp would sometimes, in a jokey, taking teh piss voice say "aww, look at the wee willy" and then pretend to 'steal' it from ds. i have never had any concerns about Exp's motives, it was a game but it was an inappropriate one so i told him and i compared to if ds had been a girl would he do it. he was shocke with himself and said he realised how strange it was to do that now. he never did it again and we never needed to discuss it again.

your DH's reaction is very strange, especially him Flicking your head

Oh.
I agree with the others.
I have taken my time reading this, so at time of posting there were 4 replies.
I agree that they fact you feel your dh is capable of such things, speaks volumes in itself.
I have 2 ds's (2 and 3 yrs) and when we hug, I might give their bum a playful little squeeze or something, but not in a dodgy way iykwim.
I'd never feel the need to question my dp with them either. I mean, when we clean/wipe them, we both move their willy so do touch it, but again it'd not cross my mind that me or dp were being inappropriate.

I think that if you feel uncomfortable about how he acts to your dd, you need to trust that instinct and get your children away from him.

Sorry.

I agree totally with what SparklyMartini said. Also though to what Georgimama said about flicking your forehead.

What an awful situation to be in.

i agree with everyone. it is inappropriate behaviour and his reaction was very suspicious. you need to get your daughter and yurself away from this man and his family. but I think you should call NSPCC or SS for advice on how to handle this.

LadyintheRadiator is spot on.

I love grabbing my dd's bottom. It is so toned and firm and small and cute. She's 2.

She gets horribly nappy rash and dh changes her when she is distressed with it because she prefers it. She asks him to put cream on and he takes his time over it slowly and she enjoys it.

These are both intimite things that are APPROPRIATE for a mother and father to do with a 2 year old.

Your DH's behaviour is not. Sorry. It needs to stop.

And what's with the wierd MIL behaviour?

So OP, please will you call someone? Posting on here was a good first step but clearly you need to take another step without delay -- don't try to "handle" this yourself, especially given the reaction you've already had.

I am sure that you will find the NSPCC really helpful. Here is a link to the page about what to expect if you ring them: link

Yes she is. DS is 3 and I find his body absolutely beautiful, everything about him is beautiful, but as he is fully toilet trained (apart from wiping his bottom after a poo) I never touch his genitals, except on the very rare occasion he has an accident and needs cleaning up.

Children need to start understanding that their bodies are private - nothing to be ashamed about at all - but they are private and not to be flaunted or touched by other people in this way, even their mummy or daddy. Like the others I think his reaction is telling - if I said to DH or him to me "I don't think you should do x y z with DS, I know it is innocent but it could be misconstrued if DS told someone else about it" the at fault person would be horrified and embarrassed and make sure we never did x y z again.

Did you used to post under another similar name?

a horrible predicament for you: i think contacting nspcc for advice is a good idea.