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Original poster

is DH touching dd inappropriately?

336 replies

stirling · 29/12/2010 15:09

Hello,
this is difficult to post but i really need some opinions.
Will try to start from the beginning. When DD was born (now 3)my husband would always smile/laugh at her genitals and feel amazed that we have a girl. (already have a son aged 5). Ive seen him and his mother 'affectionately' pinching her nipples since she was a tiny baby and laughing.
DD is now 3 and Ive noticed that whenever DD needs clothes changed either for bedtime or morning, DH quickly whisks her upstairs(before I get to stand up) and then I hear her squealing and laughing 'no stop it!' (she is not distressed in anyway).

He also always wants to take her to wee (she is fully potty trained but needs help with clothes/wiping) and on a few occasions she has been wet and he's needed to change her. When Ive confronted him and asked him how she got wet, he says she lifts her bottom up to show how she wees..Im shocked because she has NEVER done this with me, nor do I think she could come up with the idea of showing how she wees.

He is always squeezing her bum -not such a crime but its very often.
My gut feeling is that he is fascinated by her and finds her very cute, my concern is him touching her when changing her clothes.

I confronted him today in totally the wrong way. I said that I know he finds her cute but that he should maybe not touch her genitals now that she is no longer a baby. He exploded with rage. He said he only tickles her (when undressed) and then he flicked me on my forehead and stormed off :(

I realise I took a huge risk and have probably jeapordised my marriage but at the same time if he is stroking/tickling/kissing her down below I feel it should stop.
Ive tried walking in on them to catch him but her pjs are usually slipped on by then.

Sorry this is long. Im taking her to get dressed/loo as much as I can but have been ill a lot lately and bed bound.
Any advice appreciated. Thankyou

OP posts:
suiledonne · 29/12/2010 18:19

I agree with Quattro.

The evidence:

He looked/smiled/laughed at her genitals when she was a baby.

He takes her to the bathroom.

He makes her laugh when he is changing her.

He pinches her nipples affectionately.

I agree the nipple pinching is strange and I would be worried by the head flicking too but the rest I'm just not sure.

Maybe there is more. The OP is obviously worried if she is trying to catch him doing something but so far she hasn't.

SparklyMartini · 29/12/2010 18:26

Of course we are not sure! How could we be?

Which is why the op, if her instincts are worrying, should get some RL advice from a reputable source; how is that getting "massively carried away"?

ffs, we are hardly advising she lynch him Hmm

snowyweather · 29/12/2010 18:31

Quattro - How is her calling the organisation, NSPCC or Stop it Now getting massively carried away?

Boo has already called you on your oral sex with a 3 year old comment. Unreal.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 29/12/2010 18:33

Christ alive, I'm in a cold sweat now. I sometimes kiss DD's (3) bottom when she comes out of the bath, cos it's so squidgy and sweet. Is that inappropriate?

snowyweather · 29/12/2010 18:37

Avon - I really think you are missing the point.

You may want to read the Op's post again and again and again.

Nipple pinching? I really want to know if anyone else does this to their daughter and also had their mother do it to their daughter.

SparklyMartini · 29/12/2010 18:42

Er, Avon, what on EARTH about this thread would POSSIBLY make you think that was a problem? Of course it's bloody not. I don't for one single second believe you can't see the difference. Unless you're really, really stupid, which I am sure you are not.

Please.

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 18:48

nipple pinching....when a baby!!? its gone on for this long...

op needs to have a good think here.....there will be more to it.....there will be more behaviour that is innapropriate that she hasnt disclosed. probably doesnt even realise herself. there is a ds and herself to cthink of as well as the dd

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 18:50

no Avon,its not. just look at the Johnsons advert,there would have been a public outcry if it had been deemed unsuitable to kiss a babys bottom!

conniedescending · 29/12/2010 18:53

I don't think what is described in itself is a dodgy sign.....but the OP's instincts tell her that this is going on and that should not be underestimated. Quite clearly there is something odd about her husband around their daughter that has sent alarm bells ringing.

OP - I do hope you find the strength to deal with this.

SantasMadMissy · 29/12/2010 19:04

Its the mothers gut instinct thats very strong and if she is thinking "hang on somethings not ight" there is a reason to it surely?

I also think that there are more things that have caused alarm bells.

OP i hope that whatever is going on you get help/sort out.

Must be a awful feeling.

Original poster
stirling · 29/12/2010 19:32

Both kids in bed and Ive just read all 5 pages. Thankyou. I have called stop it now..this is the advice I was given.

He said it doesn't sound like abuse as such but some behaviour is concerning and needs to be changed straight away. He said I should go in at the angle of 'parenting her effectively' together with my husband and this means she must be taught to go to the toilet by herself and dress herself.
He said that if DH is about to go up with DD then I should simply take her out of his arms and say 'its ok, I'll do it'.
He suggested I stick with dd and DH sticks with DS for bedtime routines...
He then said that I should monitor that and see if anything else happens.
The head flicking he said is a seperate issue and if that continues I should leave.

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 29/12/2010 19:34

Is that really what they said? Shock

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 19:35

i find that really strange advice. sorry but i do. have you tried NSPCC?

wewishyouamerrylissiemas · 29/12/2010 19:35

ok, thats good. it is easy to read too much into these things and they are (I presume) trained professionals. I hope everything goes well

TheSecondComing · 29/12/2010 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nurseblade · 29/12/2010 19:39

I'm not convinced about stop it now. I contacted them about an ex boyfriend when I found child porn on his computer. I was especially worried as he teaches kids judo. He is still teaching judo 2 years after I reported him.

Original poster
stirling · 29/12/2010 19:40

That's what he said. I stated exactly what Ive posted here.
He said he was 55 yrs old and a father of 3.

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 29/12/2010 19:41

Totally irrelevant - his age and the fact he is a father.

thatsnotmymonkey · 29/12/2010 19:42

so just keep your dh away from his dd and problem solved? Hmm

so sorry, but am not satisfied with the advice given, but i suppose you have been able to talk about it more and give more details than on here??

what is your gut saying now?

TheSecondComing · 29/12/2010 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
stirling · 29/12/2010 19:46

Cant say I felt it was a particularly professional conversation as he kept interrupting me and going back to the toilet issue.
NSPCC -the woman seemed far more clued up but for some reason said she couldnt advise and that they would guide me through what to do.
Which I suppose he did.

Fed up and totally depressed. Switching off now to have a good cry and rethink tomorrow.

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 29/12/2010 19:47

Erm, stirling I don't think you have been advised appropriately by that organisation.
Although, if they are trained in this field, then they know more than me, but if I had your concerns and someone basically said that i should keep dh away from one dc, then that would not be good enough.
I strongly suggest that tomorrow, you invest in some kind of discreet camera for dd's bedroom, install it and keep a close eye.
That being if you are unprepared to take her away until you have proof.
Again, not sure I'd wait for any more proof than the uneasiness you are feeling.

thatsnotmymonkey · 29/12/2010 19:52

so sorry that you are feeling so crap about this. can you talk to anyone in RL about this, a close friend, someone who knows you both?

Take a moment- that is a good idea.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 19:53

stirling i absoloutely believe you taht you told him everything and i believe that this is teh advcie he gave you but i am sorry i think you have been given terrible advice.

keeping your DD separate from your Dh is not a longterm solution. a fatehr should be able to take his DD to teh toilet, bath her, dress her etc. if stop it now felt that this wasn't abuse then i don't understand how they can advise you not to allow your DH to do all these things. either he is safe with her or he isn't and if he isn't then you just cannot simply carry on living there but keeping them apart. how on earth do you explain that to your Ds and DD?

I'm not sure who you can talk to but i strongly advise you seek further help with this.

hellymelly · 29/12/2010 19:56

I also contacted stop it now,as I was worried about the children of a friend of mine (who had died),as her father had sex with her for years.I found them singularly unhelpful and the person who replied to my email seemed really not bothered.I wouldn't suggest them at all on that basis.
op, I think as others are saying that it is as much about what your instinct is telling you,as it is about your DH's behaviour.Personally I think the best suggestion is to film him secretly,although if nothing at all worrying was happening,and he found out that you had filmed him,then I can see that it would damage your marriage terribly.But then this must be damaging your marriage anyway,as if you feel your DH is even vaguely behaving in a peculiar or deviant way towards your child then the strain must be horrendous.I think you need to know the truth,and as your DD is so small,then filming him is possibly the one way to be sure of his actions.
I too,think his reaction was very strange,and that the nipple tweaking is deeply odd.I of course squeeze my dd's little bottoms and pat them, they are lovely! But I have never seen anyone pinch a child's nipple,ever.Cheeks of all kinds yes,nipples no.this must all be really dreadful for you and I hope you at least get the truth of what is going on so that you can move forward.You sound as though you will deal with everything with bravery and thoughtfulness,and I hope things work out for you and your Dd.

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