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Original poster

is DH touching dd inappropriately?

336 replies

stirling · 29/12/2010 15:09

Hello,
this is difficult to post but i really need some opinions.
Will try to start from the beginning. When DD was born (now 3)my husband would always smile/laugh at her genitals and feel amazed that we have a girl. (already have a son aged 5). Ive seen him and his mother 'affectionately' pinching her nipples since she was a tiny baby and laughing.
DD is now 3 and Ive noticed that whenever DD needs clothes changed either for bedtime or morning, DH quickly whisks her upstairs(before I get to stand up) and then I hear her squealing and laughing 'no stop it!' (she is not distressed in anyway).

He also always wants to take her to wee (she is fully potty trained but needs help with clothes/wiping) and on a few occasions she has been wet and he's needed to change her. When Ive confronted him and asked him how she got wet, he says she lifts her bottom up to show how she wees..Im shocked because she has NEVER done this with me, nor do I think she could come up with the idea of showing how she wees.

He is always squeezing her bum -not such a crime but its very often.
My gut feeling is that he is fascinated by her and finds her very cute, my concern is him touching her when changing her clothes.

I confronted him today in totally the wrong way. I said that I know he finds her cute but that he should maybe not touch her genitals now that she is no longer a baby. He exploded with rage. He said he only tickles her (when undressed) and then he flicked me on my forehead and stormed off :(

I realise I took a huge risk and have probably jeapordised my marriage but at the same time if he is stroking/tickling/kissing her down below I feel it should stop.
Ive tried walking in on them to catch him but her pjs are usually slipped on by then.

Sorry this is long. Im taking her to get dressed/loo as much as I can but have been ill a lot lately and bed bound.
Any advice appreciated. Thankyou

OP posts:
wewishyouamerrylissiemas · 29/12/2010 15:41

sorry, my post seemed a bit abrupt. its just that mners are not qualified (on tbhe whole) to deal with this type of thing. we have all told you that you arent going nuts or being precious. your instincts are telling you that something is wrong. the next step has to be contacting the NSPCC or simillar, before you think yourself out of it.

electra · 29/12/2010 15:41

No, it sounds very odd to me. Please do something to protect your daughter before he does some damage. I think the fact you are posting about it shows that you have the view it isn't normal playful behaviour.

snowyweather · 29/12/2010 15:43

OP you say he has been 'affectionately' pinching her nipples since she was a tiny baby and laughing.

That is not right.

Please call someone.

Seek help.

Trust your instincts.

You owe it to yourself and your daughter to seek some help.

FrostyAndSlippery · 29/12/2010 15:43

I think some of what you described is normal. I'm always squeezing or patting our DCs cute lil bottoms, as is DH, and there is nothing weird about it at all - it's just all part of the fact that we are a very tactile family.

BUT the fact that you are worried speaks volumes, as does the fact that he is sneaking upstairs and that when you confronted him he flew off the handle. :(

chocolatebuttontheif · 29/12/2010 15:47

I think it's great advice to contact the NSPCC and talk to someone about this.

But I would urge you not to involve SS unless/until you are completely certain.

kittya · 29/12/2010 15:47

nipple squeezing is not normal and, probably painful I should think. [shocked]

PlonkerForLifeNotJustChristmas · 29/12/2010 15:48

I agree with the advice to ring a professional organisation as they can advise you further.

My instinct is the same as other posters - the fact that it doesn't sit right with you (and let's face it - only you can see what is going on here, we can't ...) rings alarm bells with me.

I really hope there's nothing in it - good luck to you all

OTTMummA · 29/12/2010 15:49

This is so, so, wrong, and you clearly know this and feel uncomfortable with it.
In a few yrs (if this is left to continue)your DD will notice that it is wrong aswell.
Please stop it before she becomes aware.

If his behaviour does not change then you need to talk to SS or the police really.

If i thought for a second my DH could or would do this on purpose for unsavory reasons then i would be leaving him.

If it was an innocent miss-understanding then his reaction would be different i believe.
And flicking you on the head WTF?
People do that to someone who they think is stupid or not on the same level as them in life, it is ment to undermine and ridicule.
Your Husband is being abusive to you and your DD, sort it our asap.

I wouldn't leave her alone with him either until this situation is resolved.
Good luck.

allnightlong · 29/12/2010 15:55

Totally inappropriate but it may just have been the way he was raised (being that his own mother has also behaved in a strange manner) that has given him a strange set of boundries. Regarless of that he needs to stop now, and tbh I'd be more suspicious because of his reaction to you raising the matter.

beeny · 29/12/2010 15:58

I have prosecuted a lot of child abuse cases.This sounds very wrong.

Original poster
stirling · 29/12/2010 16:05

thankyou so much to everyone for your replies. Yes I do regularly post under another name but had to use this one for this.

I'm crying now, it's reassuring to know that Im not mad/ or have handled it wrong. Im also very suspicious of his reaction and told him so. Especially as I was trying not to 'accuse' but speaking generally about touching...

Im very scared now because I've just taken up a job at the weekends which means I'll be away for a few hours each w/end morning...

I cant leave without evidence. I havent actually seen him touching her down there, its my suspicion..Will call a helpline when I get some privacy.
This is so so sad.

OP posts:
sfxmum · 29/12/2010 16:06

there is nothing wrong with daddy changing a girls clothes or taking her to the toilet, but what you describe sounds very far from normal

you girl is a person not a dolly to be played with and is mother sounds really odd

the headflicking is not a good sign

seek help, the child's safety comes first

I am sorry you are in this position

thatsnotmymonkey · 29/12/2010 16:06

showing him how she wees, and the fact that she does not do that with you speaks volumes. So sorry you are in this position. Call the NSPCC now and get some advice.

LadyintheRadiator · 29/12/2010 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilveryMoon · 29/12/2010 16:09

I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you to think about, but really? You want to wait for evidence before you can leave? Which means, if he is being inappropriate with your dd, then he gets the chance to do it again (at least once)?
I know I'm going to sound really harsh, but is the risk worth it?
Can you buy a small security camera and set it up in her room then? Discreetly and quickly? If you must get evidence.
Not sure I'd hang around for that though if I was having these doubts.

unavailable · 29/12/2010 16:09

Could you not gently ask your daughter? (Not directly, but something along the lines of, "what does Daddy do that makes you giggle at bedtime" when you are next getting her ready for bed.)

wewishyouamerrylissiemas · 29/12/2010 16:10

what ladyintheradiator said. not something to dither over imo

SilveryMoon · 29/12/2010 16:13

Ooh yeah, can DD show you with a doll or teddy?
I do think it'd be best for your dd if you found somewhere for you 2 to stay or ask dh to leave.
Like others have said, his reaction to you voicing concerns was not right.

IAmReallyFabNow · 29/12/2010 16:14

You can leave without proof. You must leave without proof as the proof you seek is to awful to think about.

nextchapter · 29/12/2010 16:15

You really must move quickly on this, if your suspicions are correct, your confrontation about the issue may make you husband's behaviour even more secretive (and encourage your DD to not tell you "our little secret" etc) and potentially even more sinister. My heart goes out to you, what a truly awful situation

SparklyMartini · 29/12/2010 16:15

Well, on its own (just in case anyone else reading this thread gets The Fear), I don't think that showing off how they wee is actually that unusual for a 3 year old.

At least, DS does it -- it is because we make a bit of fuss and celebration over his weeing in the toilet, which is quite a recent achievement. So even though he still sometimes wees sitting down on the loo, he will say "look Mummy" and push himself up a bit, so I can admire his skills, which I am expected to do in a vocal and appreciative manner. I would tend to assume this happens in lots of other homes where kids have recently learned to wee in the loo.

Returning to the main point of thread: as per my earlier posts, I do think the OP does have cause to be concerned. However, that one thing is less of an issue IMO than the collective sense of inappropriate stuff going on, and the weird and nasty reaction from her husband.

TheMonster · 29/12/2010 16:16

What a sad situation. I'm torn between suggesting you leave now, rather than let it happen again, or telling you to wait as you don't know 100%. Perhaps better to be safe than sorry though.

SparklyMartini · 29/12/2010 16:17

Oh, big xpost, missed & overlooked a lot of posts. You def do not need to wait and collect evidence. Really. Surely you can see that is not the way to go.

SleepyCaz · 29/12/2010 16:19

My DH squeezes both our DC's bums when/if they are going up the stairs in front of him. He tickles their armpits at the same time

I would NEVER class it as inappropriate, as I know my DH.

BUT the nipple pinching by your DH and MIL(WTF?) would concern me a lot.

Agree that if it has even crossed your mind that your own DH is capable of it, you should be at the very least be having a serious think about my marriage, and at the most, I'd be out of there asap.

SilveryMoon · 29/12/2010 16:19

Sparkly My ds1 likes to do that too sometimes.
he also prefers to not have his trousers on and will often say "Look at my winky mummy"
And I'll say "Oh yes, there is your winky. Maybe you should stop pulling on it"
But I think that's fine.

Ds2 who is very nearly 2 also once flicked ds1's willy when they were in the bath. Was really funny at the time. Obviously not something I would encourage, but they are both children.

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