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Original poster

is DH touching dd inappropriately?

336 replies

stirling · 29/12/2010 15:09

Hello,
this is difficult to post but i really need some opinions.
Will try to start from the beginning. When DD was born (now 3)my husband would always smile/laugh at her genitals and feel amazed that we have a girl. (already have a son aged 5). Ive seen him and his mother 'affectionately' pinching her nipples since she was a tiny baby and laughing.
DD is now 3 and Ive noticed that whenever DD needs clothes changed either for bedtime or morning, DH quickly whisks her upstairs(before I get to stand up) and then I hear her squealing and laughing 'no stop it!' (she is not distressed in anyway).

He also always wants to take her to wee (she is fully potty trained but needs help with clothes/wiping) and on a few occasions she has been wet and he's needed to change her. When Ive confronted him and asked him how she got wet, he says she lifts her bottom up to show how she wees..Im shocked because she has NEVER done this with me, nor do I think she could come up with the idea of showing how she wees.

He is always squeezing her bum -not such a crime but its very often.
My gut feeling is that he is fascinated by her and finds her very cute, my concern is him touching her when changing her clothes.

I confronted him today in totally the wrong way. I said that I know he finds her cute but that he should maybe not touch her genitals now that she is no longer a baby. He exploded with rage. He said he only tickles her (when undressed) and then he flicked me on my forehead and stormed off :(

I realise I took a huge risk and have probably jeapordised my marriage but at the same time if he is stroking/tickling/kissing her down below I feel it should stop.
Ive tried walking in on them to catch him but her pjs are usually slipped on by then.

Sorry this is long. Im taking her to get dressed/loo as much as I can but have been ill a lot lately and bed bound.
Any advice appreciated. Thankyou

OP posts:
SparklyMartini · 29/12/2010 16:21

Isn't there something about not asking them directly yourself? From other threads I have read here, I vaguely recall reading something that said you are not meant to do that with very young kids in this type of situation.

If you have suspicions, the first priority is of course to keep the child/children safe. Questioning them is unlikely to help matters at this stage and if you go about it wrong it might create confusion and make it harder to establish properly what has gone on.

Wait until you get advice from someone with training. Don't blunder in asking her to point to her teddy etc -- you don't really know what you are doing.

ilovesprouts · 29/12/2010 16:23

.

StuffingGoldBrass · 29/12/2010 16:23

I think the clearest danger sign is that your H hit you when you queried his behaviour. I'd be telling him to leave the house immediately and, if he refused to go, call the police and have him removed on the grounds that I suspected him of sexually abusing my child.

wewishyouamerrylissiemas · 29/12/2010 16:25

what sparkly said. but i do think you need to ensure that he does not dress her etc until you have spoken to an expert.

fwiw, ds is 5 and will often barge come into the loo while im in there and ask about my tuppence and talk about his narg narg. he also plays with it.

a lot.

but it would never cross my mind that there was anything wrong.

saffy85 · 29/12/2010 16:29

Totally inappropriate and he must know this otherwise why would he be so agressive when confronted even in such a gentle way?

Please get advice from NSPCC or similar. I really think your DD needs protecting from her father even though she doesn't know it yet. I think it speaks volumes that alarm bells are ringing for you as her mother.

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 16:29

how is he reacting now? since you confronted him?

i think the prrof you need is, in fact, the fact you suspect him! that should be all thats needed. along with what you've mentioned here

is there anything else? other things he does?

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 29/12/2010 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 29/12/2010 16:33

You need to becareful if you do decide to speak to your dd, if you decide to go to the police later it might impact. Please call the nspcc for help.

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 16:34

by anything else,i meant with you op. any sexual preferences you find odd,offensive etc? how is he in usual arguments? aggressive then too?

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/12/2010 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
stirling · 29/12/2010 16:40

just called nspcc lady was great. Gave me a no for org called 'stop it now' they will guide me through
thankyou all

OP posts:
wewishyouamerrylissiemas · 29/12/2010 16:41

stiorling, well done. I hope its nothhing, but above all I hope you are able to keep yourself and your daughter safe.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 16:41

sorry but you simply cannot wait for proof with this. suspicion is enough in this case. i would rather leave my husband and be wrong than stay with him and be right about my suspicions.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 29/12/2010 16:44

So glad you called them, either way it will make you feel you have done something.

FrostyAndSlippery · 29/12/2010 16:45

Well done for phoning please keep us posted and good luck

shinyshoes · 29/12/2010 16:51

I don't hear panic alarms ringing I hear a man who loves his daughter very very much.

I tickle my baby girl (also 3) I say 'i'll tickle your chuff' and squeal while making a pinching movement she loves it.
I pat her bottom and squeeze it, it's a lovely little bottom,

Pinching nipples would hurt a bit though i'd imagine.

she gives me a kiss with her mouth open (mine closed) only because DP says its wrong Grin, she loves the attention and says 'look daddy'

My daughter shows me how she wees and says 'look mum' whilst piss is going everywhere, she gets told off for this but she's amazed wee is coming out of it

You say he touches her genitals, this isn't right. is he just wiping her though or is he touching in an innapropriate manner?

shinyshoes · 29/12/2010 16:52

HOWEVER, if you feel he could be acting innapropriately and abusing her then fair enough get help soon. Smile

LadyintheRadiator · 29/12/2010 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 16:53

i have not heard of that organisiation op.....please call them now though

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 29/12/2010 16:55

Really glad you're getting professional help.

I think you need to weigh things up.

Scenario 1 - worst that could happen - DH wrongfully accused, end of marriage, bitter divorce

Scenario 2 - worst that could happen - DD suffers ongoing sexual abuse.

I know which I would prefer.

Ripeberry · 29/12/2010 17:02

He sounds a bit weird and to be honest if he still does this kind of thing when your daughter is starting school then alarm bells will be ringing off the wall!

Makes you wonder how abusive men manage to 'wriggle' their way into being trusted by their children and when the time is 'right' do something horrid.
Get some help pronto and make sure your daughter knows to NEVER keep secrets.

Ripeberry · 29/12/2010 17:08

Also, I would invest in a 'Nanny cam'.

VeryStressedMum · 29/12/2010 17:11

No one can tell you if this behaviour is normal or not, we're not there to witness it. But you must on some level realise that what you are seeing is not quite right or you wouldn't think these things. Instinct is very powerful and not something that should be ignored.

pleasegivemeacuddle · 29/12/2010 17:12

what a awful situation to be in hun, please keep us updated and know that we're all here should you feel u need some support x

0karen · 29/12/2010 17:51

Tickling a 3 year old is not a crime neither is changing her although constantly squeezing her bum is odd I used to have a friend who would constantly kiss her daughter bum, but as she was female that was OK.

o on Ebay and buy a clock or something with a mini camera in it, they are cheap £30 or something, quality is crap but sufficient to see what is happening yourself

If your worried why are you not changing her or at least having a look from time to time.

If someone accused me of abusing my children I guess I would do more then flick their forehead