is DH touching dd inappropriately?

[stirling]

Hello,
this is difficult to post but i really need some opinions.
Will try to start from the beginning. When DD was born (now 3)my husband would always smile/laugh at her genitals and feel amazed that we have a girl. (already have a son aged 5). Ive seen him and his mother 'affectionately' pinching her nipples since she was a tiny baby and laughing.
DD is now 3 and Ive noticed that whenever DD needs clothes changed either for bedtime or morning, DH quickly whisks her upstairs(before I get to stand up) and then I hear her squealing and laughing 'no stop it!' (she is not distressed in anyway).

He also always wants to take her to wee (she is fully potty trained but needs help with clothes/wiping) and on a few occasions she has been wet and he's needed to change her. When Ive confronted him and asked him how she got wet, he says she lifts her bottom up to show how she wees..Im shocked because she has NEVER done this with me, nor do I think she could come up with the idea of showing how she wees.

He is always squeezing her bum -not such a crime but its very often.
My gut feeling is that he is fascinated by her and finds her very cute, my concern is him touching her when changing her clothes.

I confronted him today in totally the wrong way. I said that I know he finds her cute but that he should maybe not touch her genitals now that she is no longer a baby. He exploded with rage. He said he only tickles her (when undressed) and then he flicked me on my forehead and stormed off :(

I realise I took a huge risk and have probably jeapordised my marriage but at the same time if he is stroking/tickling/kissing her down below I feel it should stop.
Ive tried walking in on them to catch him but her pjs are usually slipped on by then.

Sorry this is long. Im taking her to get dressed/loo as much as I can but have been ill a lot lately and bed bound.
Any advice appreciated. Thankyou

Okaren do you think a female cannot sexually abuse a girl?

Looks like a good organisation it now www.stopitnow.org.uk/

Okaren - what an unhelpful post.

Good on you OP for seeking help.

Of course not, ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo, but if someone accused me of abuse my girls I do not think I would take it to well

why snowyweather, because I am not ready to hang someone on a bit of suspicion

Okaren but this post is not about you, is it?

It is about Stirling's 3 year old DD.

i was referring to this line in your post

"I used to have a friend who would constantly kiss her daughter bum, but as she was female that was OK."
why is it ok for a female to do that but not a male? if it is inappropriate it is inappropriate, regardless of who is doing it. i don't understand your logic that because the mum was female it made what she did ok.

Okaren - no one has mentioned hanging.

They have suggested to the OP that she gets help.

The OP's 3 year old DD is in a vulnerable position. The Dad has hit the mother when she asked him not to touch her DD's genitals FFS. The mother has sought help.

I suggest you educate yourself and read the Stop it Now website.

In its very best light, i.e. inappropriate play that he just hasn't realised is not on, it still needs mentioning and stopping. And if this is the case, then I can sort of see how he reacted with anger/hurt/bewilderment/whatever when you brought it up. Forehead flicking was NOT ON however.

Nasty situation. I feel for you.

I have kissed my babies' bottoms and toddler bottoms' too. Lovely and scrummy bottoms they were, fresh out of the bath. One boy, one girl. I also kissed their toes.

Does that make me an ambidextrous paedophile with a toe fetish?

True but what evidence has she got

And I am looking at it from her partners point of view, how would most people react?

People end up having fights because they left the top of the toothpaste off

Looking at it from another perspective - When you say he always wants to take her to the bathroom - you then say you have been ill and bedbound. Could it be he is just trying to help you out?

And you say she is squealing and laughing - not distressed in any way. It could be completely innocent.

The pinching bottom sounds ok - the nipple thing I'm not sure. If his mother did it to her children maybe he thinks it is appropriate and normal.

I'm not doubting your own instincts - just my thoughts.

quattro this is a bit more than kissing your baby's bottom. this is nipple pinching, being overly keen to take her to the bathroom or bath, string at her genitals. and to top it all of he reacted violently when OP asked him about it.

okaren,, her gut is telling her that there is something wrong. his behaviour is not quite right. my dh, if I asked him to stop something he was doing innocently with ds because i felt it was inappropriate, would be hurt. but he would not react like that.

Quattro - but did you also pinch their nipples and let your mother do the same? (Don't answer the question)

The OP is seeking help. That is the one positive.

I'm sorry to hear of your experience KerryMumbles. Alarm bells are ring loud and clear for me too.

staring

erm, if anybody flicked my head at all, whether it be over toothpaste or this, that would be a huuge red flag for me.

Look, the OP has no evidence whatsoever that he is stroking/kissing/kissing her down below

She showed him how she wees. Big deal. FWIW I think this is something that only a toddler would do.

It is one massive leap from a nipple tweak to oral sex with a 3YO. You are all letting the OP get massively carried away IMO.

And frankly if my husband thought I was behaving inappropriately with my children, I would be beyond enraged. I'd be furious, abso-bloody-lutely furious. In fact I seriously think I might leave him over an allegation of that nature.

you cannot have oral sex with a 3 year old. 'with' implies their consent. a 3 year old cannot consent to that.