Only children 'happier' according to this study...

[edam]

Interesting stuff for those of us with only children. Although I'm amazed apparently we make up half of all households - not in this neck of the woods or amongst my friends and family.

Also think it has to be balanced with what it's like to be an only child as an adult, especially coping with elderly parents and parents dying. I know my mother has felt desperately lonely at times - she has friends but no-one who shares her childhood memories.

(My strategy is to hope ds will remain very close to his cousins, who are fortunately very close in age - at least there's someone who will know who he's moaning about when he complains about me in later years!)

Telegraph 15 November

Only children happier than those with siblings
Only children are happier than those with brothers or sisters, according to new research which shows that sibling rivalry can have a serious effect on a child's emotional wellbeing.

More than half of the children surveyed said they had been bullied by a sibling, and one in three said they had been hit, kicked or pushed on regular occasions. Others complained of name-calling and having their belongings stolen.

The Understanding Society study run by the Institute for Social and Economic Research concluded that happiness declines the more siblings there are in a household.

Other reasons for only children being more contented include not having to compete for parental attention or to share a bedroom with a sibling, said Gundi Knies, a researcher on the project

Dr Ruth Koppard, a child psychologist, said: "In an average home, the more children, the less privacy for each child. Some love sharing a bedroom with a sibling but they would rather choose to do it than have to do it."

Homes with just one child make up nearly half of all families in Britain.

The study, to be published on Friday, questioned 2,500 young people. It also found that seven out of 10 teenagers are "very satisfied" with their lives and children from ethnic minorities are happier than their white counterparts.

Children often want, or think or say they want, what they haven't got. My 3 dds sometimes want to be onlies. They imagine a calm life with no irritating sisters. And some of their friends who are onlies sometimes want siblings. or ones with a brother want a sister instead or as well. They all think a brother would be a nice variation on sisters. a dog would be even better. you can't win really on trying to please children in terms of how many siblings you provide or don't.

Very true, Fennel. I don't think onlies 'miss' a sibling tough (once they get beyond the point you describe), any more than a child with many siblings 'misses out' on being an only child.

You can't miss something you have never experienced, can you? You can only imagine.

That's not true All through my child hood I desperately wanted a sibling. I wanted to be like my friends. I hated being an only and resented the fact I still do I will never know what it feels like to have a brother or sister and that's a shit thing to have to live with.

My MIL was an only child, very lonely, not wanted, in care, went on to have 8 children. Does that not say it all! She made her own happy family as she did not have a good relationship with her mom.

Do you mean what I said is not true, kittywise? If so, I stand by my comment.

But that's the problem with reports and research like this, it's dealing with something that's an emotional and very personal issue for many people. They can't speak for everybody - but because it's 'research' it's given credibility.

I came across this interesting article on my Twitter feed:

One child policy.

It examines the long term impact of China's deliberate 'One Child' policy.

" The government?s pension system is almost nonexistent, and One-Child has eliminated the traditional support system of the extended family?most people no longer have brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, or nephews. It is unclear what sort of havoc this atomization will wreak on their society. China will have 330 million senior citizens with no one to care for them and no way to pay for their upkeep. It is, Eberstadt observed, ?a slow-motion humanitarian tragedy already underway.?

Article also looks at the impact of Japan's low fertility rate.

"is not uncommon to see dogs paraded around in strollers by childless, adult women." .

And the impact of low fertility in the US.

I was going to post it in politics - but it might be of interest to people on this thread.

(sorry if someone has posted it here already - just scanned thread).

Can I just mention the distinct lack of people wishing they had not had siblings?? Whilst some say having a sibling has no impact on their adult life, noone has says they wish they had been an 'only'. The reverse is not true.

Oh and best US quote from the article.

"Fertility isn?t all about sex, of course. It also involves that other great American passion: real estate."

I am an only child and I was very happy, I never missed not having a brother or sister, nor did I ever feel I wanted to be like my friends who did.

TheFeministParent - I said I wished I was an only.

I am one of five, never ever said I wanted to an 'only' too.

melikalikimaka - No, it doesn't say it all, any more than my parents both having siblings but choosing to have an only does. It just says that some families work well for some people. I've never wanted siblings and am quite happy to give DS the supported, loving background my parents gave me.

MyMama....why on earth would you wish your siblings didn't exist?

ProfYaffle 'I have 2 dc myself and seeing the relationship they have together makes me sad for my younger self. It was a lonely experience, I just didn't know any different at the time so didn't acknowledge it as such.'

Thankyou! You have absolutely and succintly summed up my own experience to a tee. In fact I identify a LOT with much of your post.

I was an only and not unhappy about it as such and yet something in me def decided that if I were to have children I'd ideally want more than one if I could. I have 3.

I watch them and feel quite sad for my younger self that I never had the carefree chaos, jostling and in jokes that they have. It all just looks so much more fun and noisy and less sterile than my own quiet childhood.

It's great to watch and I sometimes feel somewhat bemused by it; also with dh's large family at get togethers.

My children have their own friends too of course but they are a little private gang in themselves and are not dependant on anyone bussing entertainment in for them.

I've never longed for a sibling. Not having one hasn't ruined my life. But given the choice and seeing what I missed I'd def like to have had one. No-one but a sibling can understand the dynamics of a family. It would be nice to have someone who just knows what my childhood was like our parents etc and to talk about family stuff.

Also as an only you do bear a heavy burden of your parents expectation. To perform well. You are the only representative of their hopes for the future. Any slip-ups along the way are magnified and there is an enormous sense of duty not to disappoint.

My mother's sister makes her life a complete misery. It is only my mother's sense of familial duty that stops her cutting her off completely. Her sister still competes for imagined kudos in the eyes of their no-longer living parents and is both possessive of my Mum and copetitive with her 'oh, My always said I was the pretty one' etc etc. My mother spent hours roaming the sandhills with friends or alone to avoid her sister.

Which tells us NOTHING about close supportive sisters at all!

And despite her misery caused by her older sister, my Mum chose to have 3 kids.

Why are people so desparate to prove that thier way is RIGHT and they are SUPERIOR for having chosen a certain number of children?

I think the study is somewhat skewed.

It's like they've presented the idea of having a sibling as someone who you have to 'share' with (all kids hate to share surely), and someone who hits you etc

or more intangible concepts such as having someone who you will often have as a big part of your life forever, who will look out for you at schoool when everyone else is being mean, who will play with you everyday when your parents can't be arsed, to have the fun of a full bustly house.

TO measure happiness on a scale that is constructed of negative and positives of having a sibling isn't really showing anything.

I wasn't an only but had one brother who was nine years older than me so at times I felt like an only child. I dearly wished for a sibling (actually a sister) who was close in age to me to plat with. My brother is now dead so it is just me.

With my own children, I had three in under three years partly because I wanted them to have playmates. They all play (and fight) together, all three also share one bedroom, although we have three spare bedrooms so they can have a room each if they want.

Having siblings does have its disadvantages, but so does being an only. Maybe children with siblings have better negotiating skills and onlys have better imaginations, who knows.

I'm happy I have three children not just one, I think they like it as well but we are all different, our families are all different. Some children will hate it (whatever kind of family they have) some will love it.

I think having siblings is always better, overall, then being an only, if you get on with them, but you can't predict that.

I am convinced it all balances out in the end...I have 2...bt there was a time when it looked as if we would only have 1 and I researched a lot about only children.

Rsearch suggests that only children are more popular and have larger social circles due to their pleasure in groups of other childrn makiing them more popular and also to the extra mile that the parents of onlies go to ensure they have a good circle.

I do wonder what the point is of some of the research that gets carried out

so, only children are happier. Cool. Now which child should I send back, dd1 or dd2? hmm...

Oh threads like this make my teeth itch! It pits mums against mums like the SAHM-v-WOHM threads do.

Right, I thought I'd come back to this without reading any more responses and say we all do what's best for us, our relationships and our families. Clearly I wanted more than one and so was lucky to be able to have a few children!! I will try my best and not judge those that only have one, and I will resist the need to defend my choices by attacking others.

It is good to hear good news as OH is not keen on having more.

BUT Name calling - My brothers use to call me everything under the sun,they use to fight,we use to fight,my sisters use to pinch each other and cry. Things have been stolen from each other,thrown at each other and thrown back. Oh the joys of apple fights in the garden and playing knuckles with a pack of cards,one of my brothers putting a garden pot on my head and cutting my hair around it so I looked like a mushroom.....using me as a punchbag to improve their boxing skills.......

This is tough love - nothing more,nothing less.

I think I will be a bit sad if my daughter doesnt experience these delights.

Well at the very least I can take from this study that onlies might not be the unhappiest.

My DD's an only, not through my choice and now that the age gap's got so big I don't think she'd particularly thank me for a sibling either. She's developed into really enjoying her own space and quiet time when she wants.
I had wanted to have more as I have been of the belief that siblings are important. I do feel sad about shared memories. So it's good to see that that's not necessarily so even with the criticisms of the study.
Like the OP I'm placing importance on DD's relationship with her cousin, who is a similar age and local.
I admit DD does get opportunities that wouldn't be open to her if we had more - more to do with experiences, travel and learning than material stuff though.

I have two DDs who are fully grown and now mothers themselves.

I have a 9 year old DS who is in all practical terms an only child.

On a day to day basis he is far more content than the girls were. He has two rooms in the house, and doesn't compete with anyone for attention. The atmosphere is calm all of the time.

The girls would argue about who did what, who ate what, who played with what.

I would say he is happier, but he has not learned to negotiate and compete with other children, when he started school he was shocked at how aggressive other children could be.

The girls now as adults support each other totally, helping with each others children and anything life throws at them.

So in conclusion IME there are pros and cons with either situation, like most things.