Only children 'happier' according to this study...

[edam]

Interesting stuff for those of us with only children. Although I'm amazed apparently we make up half of all households - not in this neck of the woods or amongst my friends and family.

Also think it has to be balanced with what it's like to be an only child as an adult, especially coping with elderly parents and parents dying. I know my mother has felt desperately lonely at times - she has friends but no-one who shares her childhood memories.

(My strategy is to hope ds will remain very close to his cousins, who are fortunately very close in age - at least there's someone who will know who he's moaning about when he complains about me in later years!)

Telegraph 15 November

Only children happier than those with siblings
Only children are happier than those with brothers or sisters, according to new research which shows that sibling rivalry can have a serious effect on a child's emotional wellbeing.

More than half of the children surveyed said they had been bullied by a sibling, and one in three said they had been hit, kicked or pushed on regular occasions. Others complained of name-calling and having their belongings stolen.

The Understanding Society study run by the Institute for Social and Economic Research concluded that happiness declines the more siblings there are in a household.

Other reasons for only children being more contented include not having to compete for parental attention or to share a bedroom with a sibling, said Gundi Knies, a researcher on the project

Dr Ruth Koppard, a child psychologist, said: "In an average home, the more children, the less privacy for each child. Some love sharing a bedroom with a sibling but they would rather choose to do it than have to do it."

Homes with just one child make up nearly half of all families in Britain.

The study, to be published on Friday, questioned 2,500 young people. It also found that seven out of 10 teenagers are "very satisfied" with their lives and children from ethnic minorities are happier than their white counterparts.

oh and my mum is one of six but for many reasons she felt alone too during the time when her dad needed care and decisions made

siblings guarantee NOTHING other than that you live your childhoods at the same time in the same place

Good nice to hear something good about being an only for a change :) I think its true

Oh, here we go, I am not rubbishing only children, just saying, they would probably prefer some company in their childhood than a new laptop!

Dreamy I think the caring this IS hard for only children.

We ahd three; ds2 was the NT child sandwiched between 2 asd children. We took teh decision to have ds4 in a large part to alleviate that inevitable caring role for him. I would encourage ds2 to walk away if he wants to but doubt he would feel able, so he has an extra sibling now to sahre it with as an adult. DS1 won;t need day to day care (ds3 will, we will be looking at supported accom though not ds2 as FT carer) but no doubt due to dx will have a regular crisis and extra mountains to climb.

DS4 has stretched resources though; as it happens the child whose behaviour / care was disruptive was ds1 whcih is a bonus as we'd always have ahd him anyway and can't resent it, but whilst I adore ds4 and would never, ever wish him not here sometimes I am very aware of what I could be doing if that makes sense? And I know that ds1 and ds2 both would much rather be only children than share with the siblings they have, and indeed I think they resent me for the decisions I have made. Decisions I think I would make agin, mind you. I always tell them when they complain (theya re older children) that I amde the decisions for my life, they get to make them for their own.

sleepingsowell - I didn't mean to seem negative. It was great growing up as an only child in many ways (sure, I had the usual arguments with my parents in my teens) but on the whole, growing up as an only child was brilliant. I had what I needed (time mainly, not just talking about material things) - but I wasn't over-indulged if that makes sense.

I think the reality of it has hit me since adulthood - perhaps since I became a parent myself - that one day I would be responsible for them.

"MindySimmons Wed 17-Nov-10 09:56:51

BTW great post Unwind but I think you are being quite tough on yourself. For me, it's not about being 'more able' but where your abilities lie.

For me, I understand enough about myself and my strengths and weaknesses that one is a good number for us. Where as my best friend struggled with one, found it hard to let go so things got very intense. This has improved immensely since having her second so it's how you feel you can be the best parent you can be."

You put it much better than I did. I don't mean to suggest that parents of only children are less able in some way.

Both DH and I saw our respective parents struggle to cope with our youngest siblings. Obviously there were lots of other factors and stresses, but it meant they were very unhappy.

but as I said thereisalight my mum was alone in the caring of my grandad for many and varied reasons
I work with older people and you would be STAGGERED to find just how common it is for people to have 2, 3, 4 kids but for the caring and the responsibility to come down on one person only.
Also, it is possible for adults with single children to address this issue by making all arrangements for their own care and to make arrangements in case of their not being able to make their own decisions
Again, it is all down to individual experience!
I agree with you that one of the great luxuries of the singleton is time and attention; to state they are all spoiled and get 'new laptops' instead of siblings is just bigoted, thoughtless and un-intelligent.

Well if its true what you say then that pleases me as my youngest is 10 yrs and my older two have grown up and left home, so youngest DS is like an only child.

sleepingsowell thank you for your unhelpful insulting comment to me. I have four siblings and yes when it came to my Moms care, it came down to my sis and me. The others were useless, but I am so grateful that I had her to chat with, when things went bad.

There are quite a few recent studies showing good things for only children, there must be something in it.

I'm one of 3, with 3 children myself, so I'm not the most likely person to argue for the benefits of onlies, but the research is fairly convincing.

But I also know that growing up in MY family, with MY parents, being an only would have been hellish, and my sister was a lifeline and we are still unusually close. So if you have difficult parents I think being an only is not much fun.

Oh one thing that always strikes me:

My Mam is the eldest of four. My Dad is the youngest of three. And yet they chose to only have one child? shows how important they thought siblings were!

Whereas I'm an only, and I've chosen to have an only? I liked my childhood!

I do not want my DD to take responsibility for our care in our old age. I would honestly end it all sooner than be a burden to her. This would also be true if she had siblings.

With our life expectancy inreasing so dramatically - but meaning we often linger on for decades longer in poor health, requiring a great deal of care, I think some hard questions have to be asked about who takes on that burden.

We have had no real family support, partly because elderly family members need it so much more. I don't begrudge them that. But I would rather that my DD was never in my MIL or mother's position. Their lives are so constrained by their roles as carers.

Rhian that is interesting!

My DD is an only - she certainly does not 'yearn for a sibling'!

DH was an only, I was the last of 3; I had a happier childhood than him but then, we suspect he was an accident whereas I was a much-wanted daughter after 2 boys (nice big brothers). Did this make me think we must have more than one to ensure happiness? Of course not. We might have done if I'd not been subfertile, but I've discussed it with DD and she definitely doesn't feel the lack of a sibling - much rather have a dog! She has good friends - I spent more time playing alone than she does.

Well, that's true, sleepingsowell - my mum is one of 4 and she cared for her mother - but there were lots of reasons for that.

melika - when I was little (about 7 or 8) I was desperate for a sibling and I used to cry about it and ask for a brother or a sister for Christmas. I didn't realise at the time how bad I was making my Mum feel.

Obviously, I got over it when I realised there were benefits .

melika thank you too for your insulting and unhelpful comments about all single children and parents of single children. I will challenge and address the kind of comments you made because they need challenging

To me, the real problem that stands in the way of human happiness is not siblings or the lack thereof per se, but the idea that everybody has to be happy in exactly the same way.

Dd has a brother and gets happiness from her closeness to him. Her cousin is an only and gets happiness from his closeness to his mum and dad. They are both getting something good. But the reason they can enjoy it is that they are not constantly looking at each other and thinking the grass is greener.

I was one of 4 and enjoyed the bustle of a larger family.

Which two of my DC shall I get rid of then.

As to caring for us when we are older - having seen an aunt's life blighted by his selfish grandmother (aunt being one of 4, not an only) DH is determined we won't be a millstone round DDs neck so he plans and saves accordingly. With one child we can probably save enough for whatever care we need in future; if we had two then I doubt that would be the case. Of course 'care' is not just a material matter, but it helps.

I would have been an awful parent of one child - I am sure I would have been over anxious and over involved.

I recently took my DC to a play date though and stayed for a cup of tea with a mum of one. It struck me that her DC got SO much more attention than our three do. She spends hours putting her DC to bed, reading and singing for an hour, and seemed to ensure the DC was central to everything. I felt quite sad about it, on behalf of our DC, until we got home and they all started playing together and giggling and laughing (and fighting, obviously) as they do so much of the time. They giggle their way through the day and I am not sure, as older parents, that we could provide the same fun that they provide each other with.

Sounds like poop to me. The researchers seem to have made a huge assumption about what constitutes 'happiness'.

Surprise surprise that siblings 'reported' being called names or pushed, hit or having belonging stolen [sceptical]. IMO this report makes it sound much less sinister than it really is (usually). Yes my children give each other a shove and call each other names on a regular basis. And they 'steal' each other's belongings (if that's what you can call using each other's things without asking - doesn't that just happen naturally in a family?). But at the same time they are learning about give and take, sharing and developing relationships with their peers.

IMO the happiness they get from being together far outweighs any negatives, because they do love to be in each other's company. All of my children have separate bedrooms, but they are hardly ever 'separate' from each other - any time I go to check on them they will usually be doing things together. And I really believe the happiness they get from having another child around them has enormous value in the 'happiness' stakes.

I'm sure that only children do not miss out because their parents can obviously give them more one to one time. But I think in general reports like these serve no benefit other than to send parents on yet another guilt trip.

Oops - I meant much more sinister !

sleepinsowell surely, I am allowed to express an opinion on here,drawing on my personal observations in my own family and environment, just like you? And I am not an 'only one' here!

We have decided to have another child after intital uncertainty. DD1 has just turned 5 and DD2 is almost 8 months.

Before DD2 was born, we couldn't imagine loving another child as much as DD1 and we thought long and hard about it, but we also felt that DD1 would ultimately benefit from having a sibling.

Our age gap is 4.5 years and I can honestly say that DD1 adores DD2 and is certainly no less happy than she was as an only child.

We had trouble conceiving DD2 so the gap is a bit bigger then we planned, but it works very well as it turns out.

Sorry, that sounds like we're having a third child! We're not. The first sentence should say "we decided", not "have decided" - fwiw!