Only children 'happier' according to this study...

[edam]

Interesting stuff for those of us with only children. Although I'm amazed apparently we make up half of all households - not in this neck of the woods or amongst my friends and family.

Also think it has to be balanced with what it's like to be an only child as an adult, especially coping with elderly parents and parents dying. I know my mother has felt desperately lonely at times - she has friends but no-one who shares her childhood memories.

(My strategy is to hope ds will remain very close to his cousins, who are fortunately very close in age - at least there's someone who will know who he's moaning about when he complains about me in later years!)

Telegraph 15 November

Only children happier than those with siblings
Only children are happier than those with brothers or sisters, according to new research which shows that sibling rivalry can have a serious effect on a child's emotional wellbeing.

More than half of the children surveyed said they had been bullied by a sibling, and one in three said they had been hit, kicked or pushed on regular occasions. Others complained of name-calling and having their belongings stolen.

The Understanding Society study run by the Institute for Social and Economic Research concluded that happiness declines the more siblings there are in a household.

Other reasons for only children being more contented include not having to compete for parental attention or to share a bedroom with a sibling, said Gundi Knies, a researcher on the project

Dr Ruth Koppard, a child psychologist, said: "In an average home, the more children, the less privacy for each child. Some love sharing a bedroom with a sibling but they would rather choose to do it than have to do it."

Homes with just one child make up nearly half of all families in Britain.

The study, to be published on Friday, questioned 2,500 young people. It also found that seven out of 10 teenagers are "very satisfied" with their lives and children from ethnic minorities are happier than their white counterparts.

Cory we had that debate in a Buddhism class at Uni.

I don;t think you have to be comfortable to be happy; I'm not comfortable really (you know my story, Peachy). Life's been quite hard at times from when I was very young.

But I would generally regard myself as happy (with blips obv; I had a very low year just passed but that's what- one in the past decade?).

For me it comes in pasrt with a sense that I have built a life appropriate with my age 'n' stage, but also having an aim. If yesterday was tough then I have to work towards a better tomorrow. And some achievements I never thought i'd make; I try and ensure I manage something outside my comfort zone each year,; my degree, passing my MA year last year, this year it has been the wildly different getting to lead the carnival float out on the County Circuit from front position......

The Buddhism teacher swears I am delusional not happy though. Not sure I care overly.

What a load of crap, so many other pieces of research that says this is rubbish. Nothing better than a family of siblings gathering round a large table laughing and joking, but nothing worse than constant bullying by siblings to each other.....you just have to be a good parent.

Interesting...

I have four children and they do push/shove/hit each other and call each other names on a regular basis. Nobody gets bullied though, we wouldn't allow it.

Two have their own bedrooms and two share, but actually the two who have their own bedrooms always want to share (can't win!).

They do fight a lot but if you asked them (and people do ask them - but that's for another thread!) if they would be happier to be an only they always say NO. And they do miss each other loads if/when they are apart, which is nice to see.

They are actually quite good at looking out for each other and sharing (well most of the time).

I think they have a lot of companionship at home and hopefully long term in their lives - although of course they might all fall out and hate each other!!

I think they have a different life from an only child, not a happier or sadder one - and I am sure it has its own pluses and minuses!!

Of course only children are happy, they are indulged, given loads of attention etc. which sadly they expect in later life.

There are several children in my family which are only ones, they have everything, the latest phone, laptop, horse riding lessons, drama classes, latest fashion, tickets to expensive concerts etc. But I bet the only thing they really yearn for is a sibling.

You can't tell me they don't.

Um, I never 'yearned' for a sibling. I'm an only and I've always been really happy with that. I have a really good and close relationship with both my parents, and I really don't miss what I never had in terms of siblings to fight with.

DS is an only and will stay so. No one's ever criticised that choice or said I was being cruel to him, but if they did I'd just tell them to shut up and mind their own business as I knew more about it than they did.

My ds certainly bears out the happy bit - he is a singleton and he loves it and blossoms that way and thrives and would seriously not like having a sibling, though I don't doubt if there was one that he would love them. However as it is DS is one very happy contented child who is thriving in his family set up.

Having said that I think it's odd to say that siblings who fight with each other and call names are not happy having siblings. Lots of kids can do all that stuff and yet fiercely love their brothers or sisters and be happy in their family set up.

However I do think it's good that positive articles come up about having single children because for many people the only 'language' they have about singles is 'ooh it's cruel' or 'ooh they will be lonely and unable to share'. Anything that goes out to dispel these myths is a good thing I think.

Yes, there are fights but there are some wonderful moments too. Mine are usually like chalk and cheese, get on now, quite famously and it is lovely to see. They will have each other when we are gone, I always tell them.

Your post made me laugh, melika. You are so wrong.

It depends entirely on the DC. My DS hated it and he used to cry because he wanted a sibling. My friend's DC loved being an only and resented her sibling when she was born-still does.

Have to say the only children that come here for tea are far more precious than children with siblings, who are kinder in general, don't boast and try to belittle as much and have time for my smaller children. Not science but a constant observation.

I'm an only child. I had a great childhood - even if it did mean being around (elderly) relatives and adults a lot.

I like my own company. I'm not good in overly large crowds. But I've never had a problem making friends.

I don't miss having siblings - you can't miss what you've never had. I don't think it's affected my happiness one way or another.

I was, and to some extent, remain, the sole focus of my parents - which can be hard to live with as the recipient of that attention and so many expectations. I was also the only grandchild for almost 15 years.

My main sadness is that I have no one to share childhood memories with.

It's just me.

I will have to care for my parents on my own when they are no longer able to care for themselves and I will have to make any decisions about them myself when they are incapable. My parents had me when they were quite young, so I will be caring for them when I am perhaps old myself.

Maybe this is why I have 3 DCs and am expecting DC4 in December.

oh and melika "you can't tell me they don't" is just thoughtless and utterly bizarre! You can't presume to know the wishes of every only child in the country.
Far better that we accept that all children are unique and have different needs or wishes. Saying they all yearn for siblings and we can't say otherwise.....are you sure that makes complete and perfect sense?

Noel....How do you know Melika is wrong? Are you part of her family?

Yes, my DS1 resented DS2, but he really looks out for him now. I love having two of them around.

My dd will almost certainly always be an only child.

It is because I don't feel I have the resources for more children. I have seem in my family how sometimes an addtional child can cause family resources to become overstretched, leading to miserable parents and unhappy childhoods.

This does not mean that some families are not in a position to provide for 10 or more children without becoming "overstretched". We are all prisoners of our own expectations, and some of us are more able than others.

melikalikimaka oh dear, spouting the good ol' only stereotypes when your post clearly demonstrates that it's nothing to do with being an only but being over indulged. OK in practical terms there is a greater opportunity due to the more material resources for one child, but surely you can see the situation you describe is about parenting.

I've really enjoyed this thread overall as I think the posts from those with 1 and those with more have been really balanced (with only a few exceptions). I agree that the research premise sounds a little tenuous and as a mum of 1 would love to know how this would project forward into adulthood.

I have no delusion that I have created the perfect family size that is perfect for all. It's great for us, but most of my friends have 2 or more. I think the positive message here is like most parents I want my child to look back on their childhood and to smile - looks like being an only does not preclude that from happening.

I can't see how that can be true. I wouldn't be without my brothers, yes we fought and as the only girl I got my own room while they had to share but my childhood with them was great!

I have 3 children, they all have their own rooms and while they also fight and bicker I think they enjoy each other much as I did.

My mother is an only child, she had a very lonely childhood but what has been worse is caring for and making decisions for my grandparents. We were there to support her but ultimately any decision was her decision.

My Grandmother went from her own house, to a warden controlled flat to a residential home and because she had Alzheimers every decision was down to my mum. Unfortunately she died earlier this year and again while we were there to support her the funeral, sorting the will etc was all down to her. I know she felt very alone.

I am from a big family and there was constant squabbling over resoures.

I'd have been happier then and happier now if there had been fewer children. Sorry if that seems harsh but it's the truth. My parents had many more children than they could afford or had time for.

:( for your mum, Dreamy

My DS is an only and so is my niece (now 21). My niece has grown up into a kind, funny, sociable, popular young woman. My DS (6) loves being around other kids, is very good at sharing and equally enjoys spending time on his own. He is a very happy, well-adjusted little boy, as are most of his friends. One is the youngest of 2, one is the oldest of 3, and another is the oldest of 2, and they're all lovely kids. I think "happiness" and also how your child behaves is far more to do with parenting than it is the amount of siblings you have. This sort of discussion always seems to end up being rather competitive, which is a shame.

I think as always on these threads it just descends to personal experience. My best friend is an only who had a great experience, and doesn't see any negatives; others will see negatives as thereisalight does.
It's just down to the individual circumstances
At the bottom of it all a child has a developmental need for good and nuturing parenting.
There is no developmental NEED for a sibling and it can be either an enrichment and a blessing, or not.
And threads like this just go to show this very clearly.

BTW great post Unwind but I think you are being quite tough on yourself. For me, it's not about being 'more able' but where your abilities lie.

For me, I understand enough about myself and my strengths and weaknesses that one is a good number for us. Where as my best friend struggled with one, found it hard to let go so things got very intense. This has improved immensely since having her second so it's how you feel you can be the best parent you can be.

I know they say you only get what you can cope with, actually I seen the opposite, people that can't cope. eg. don't cook, don't give them time and then can't cope with their behaviour etc. But I feel sad when I read thelights comment, she will be the one who deals with everything when the time comes. I am not including people with fertility issues at all. I just think it is great to have a sibling.

melika - you're wrong, I can tell you that they don't but I don't imagine for a second that it'll change your mind.

Dh was bullied by his brother throughout his childhood and eventually lost all contact with his parents because they "chose" the first-born when it became aparent that the two boys couldn't live together (this was in the late teenage years, they didn't stick him in care but it's still had major repercussions on his self-esteem and relationships with others).

Anyway, the plural of annecdote not being data an all I won't go on, but really where do you get off rubbishing only children? Don't you see how hurtful that is?

and what Cory said