Only children 'happier' according to this study...

[edam]

Interesting stuff for those of us with only children. Although I'm amazed apparently we make up half of all households - not in this neck of the woods or amongst my friends and family.

Also think it has to be balanced with what it's like to be an only child as an adult, especially coping with elderly parents and parents dying. I know my mother has felt desperately lonely at times - she has friends but no-one who shares her childhood memories.

(My strategy is to hope ds will remain very close to his cousins, who are fortunately very close in age - at least there's someone who will know who he's moaning about when he complains about me in later years!)

Telegraph 15 November

Only children happier than those with siblings
Only children are happier than those with brothers or sisters, according to new research which shows that sibling rivalry can have a serious effect on a child's emotional wellbeing.

More than half of the children surveyed said they had been bullied by a sibling, and one in three said they had been hit, kicked or pushed on regular occasions. Others complained of name-calling and having their belongings stolen.

The Understanding Society study run by the Institute for Social and Economic Research concluded that happiness declines the more siblings there are in a household.

Other reasons for only children being more contented include not having to compete for parental attention or to share a bedroom with a sibling, said Gundi Knies, a researcher on the project

Dr Ruth Koppard, a child psychologist, said: "In an average home, the more children, the less privacy for each child. Some love sharing a bedroom with a sibling but they would rather choose to do it than have to do it."

Homes with just one child make up nearly half of all families in Britain.

The study, to be published on Friday, questioned 2,500 young people. It also found that seven out of 10 teenagers are "very satisfied" with their lives and children from ethnic minorities are happier than their white counterparts.

I think as a young child I was happier to be an only child.

Now I am a mother and my parents are old and frail I very much dislike being an only child and would be much happier to have siblings around me.

I don't agree with the article, some only children are incredibly happy, some aren't.

Some children with only one sibling are happy, some aren't.

Some children with lots of siblings are happy, some aren't.

I think it's more to do with how you're raised, your parents, home life etc then how many siblings you may or may not have.

An old friend of mine was an only child, from the outside she had a lovely life, wonderful parents, beautiful home, always in the latest trends, wanted for nothing materially but she was very lonely. Lonely to the point that at 15 she started having sex with several men to try and get herself pregnant as she wanted a baby so that she had 'someone to love'. She succeeded and had her first baby at 16 (nothing wrong with that, she was a lovely mum) but she didn't know who the father was and didn't care either. She was just so happy to have her baby, just made me realise just how lonely she must have been.

I'm happy to have an only child. He has ASD and frankly I haven't got the strength to deal with another child. Our lives are rigid to a ridiculous degree already.

Is he happy? I'd guess so. He plays with his cousins as much as he can - he gets our undivided attention - what's not to like? He's ASD so doesn't really care about company.

I'm one of 5. I'm the youngest. I was kicked, pushed, shoved, called names, stolen from from by all of my siblings. I wasn't bothered about the attention thing but I was sick of being shat on by them.

We are not close now.....

Not saying that's the case for all only children by the way, I know other 'onlys' who are very happy indeed.

I have an older brother and younger sisters. When I was growing up my brother would beat me up and my sisters would steal my clothes and makeup. At the time, it made me angry and upset.

However, our mum was ill and unfortunately died when my sisters were still quite young but we pulled together and got each other through it. We share the memories of our childhood, both and good and bad and we will always have that bond as no one else around us understands what we went through as children.

However, my friend has a sister and they hate each other due to the constant competiveness. She cannot understand the closeness I have with my siblings and she wishes she was an only child.

Everyone's circumstances are different. However, I am always glad that I didn't have to go through my childhood alone.

jackstarbright - in reponse to your article about China's one child policy...

This article from 2007

I don't think it is helpful to make us parents of onlies feel even worse about our decision by linking to an article about China as a humanitarian disaster waiting to happen but hey! at least we are doing our bit to help prevent an ecological disaster.

This is a tongue-in-cheek example of how simple it is to make and support any point you want to make with the wealth of differing opinions and studies out there...

I'm an only child and I have 2 DS's and am 36 weeks pregnant. I also look at my boys laughing together and feel sorry for my younger self, I used to pester my parents to play board games with me and if they said no I would play Monopoly on my own......I did feel like my friends with siblings were having more fun than me. I love the hustle an dbustle of a house full of of kids and I know for a fact that this stems from my childhood.

'Rsearch suggests that only children are more popular and have larger social circles due to their pleasure in groups of other childrn makiing them more popular and also to the extra mile that the parents of onlies go to ensure they have a good circle'

I'm not sure I'd agree with that research. Whilst I didn't have a problem making friends at school, I wouldn't say I was 'more popular' at all. And as I've got older, I've certainly become more selective about the friendships I do make. I also tend to have a very small number of very good friends, but I prefer to see them on an individual basis.

My DH is the youngest of 6. At times I am fascinated at his family get togethers, almost envious even, but then there comes a time when I long for some space and a bit of peace and quiet.

Being an only child, I have found the transistion to becoming a mother of three very strange. At first, I didn't know how to handle the squabbling - I'd never experienced it. I'm used to it now - but sometimes the noise that the three of them together make absolutely overwhelms me. I wouldn't change it, though. I didn't want to have an only child myself.

SleepingLion' I don't think it is helpful to make us parents of onlies feel even worse about our decision'

I don't think that that was jackstarbright's intention, but I'm puzzled why it should make you feel 'even worse', or why you feel bad at all, tbh.

It's a decision you've made. That's all.

MrsBananaGrabber Wed 17-Nov-10 14:17:34
I'm an only child and I have 2 DS's and am 36 weeks pregnant. I also look at my boys laughing together and feel sorry for my younger self, I used to pester my parents to play board games with me and if they said no I would play Monopoly on my own......I did feel like my friends with siblings were having more fun than me. I love the hustle an dbustle of a house full of of kids and I know for a fact that this stems from my childhood

this was the same for my DH, but you have to blame his parents for not putting more effort in, really.

It is good to see a positive story on onlies if for no other reason than to counter so many of the outdated presumptions (spoilt etc) that still exist. I agree with those who say we should just recognise that there is no right/wrong and that so much depends on parenting and also on the children themselves.
I have an only and from my experience she has no problem sharing or making friends. I have noticed that when she plays with some children who have siblings that they often introduce arguments and tension which simply isn`t there when she plays with a friend who is also an only child. They negotiate. But I would not presume to suggest that this can be extrapolated to apply in all cases.
I was the eldest of three and would happily have been an only at the time but am now grateful that dd has cousins.

thereisalight - I feel bad because although it was a decision DH and I made, and one we made with a lot of thought and care, no-one else's attitude has, in fact, been 'it's a decision we made. That's all' as you say.

I have been called 'cruel' for my decision, have been told how lonely, how spoilt, how maladjusted my DS will be, have been told that I am setting him up for a lonely, depressed adulthood which will be spent endlessly caring for decrepit parents while trying to fulfil their every expectation by himself... A colleague of mine, while discussing a student, said - 'Well, she's an only child and we all know what they're like.'

Some of the attitudes on this thread alone show you why I feel bad - people don't hold back on judging the parent of an only! And unfortunately, I am not resilient enough not to feel condemned by it.

I really dont think you can generalise, of course onlies are happy, if they have loving parents etc - they don't know any different. I was one of three and constantly wished the other two would disappear (especially during teenage years, having to share a bedroom), but having siblings teaches life lessons such as sharing and patience, although onlies would also pick up these skills growing up. We are all close now and normally get on very well and support each other. DC2 due very soon, at first DS was very put out having been an only child for 5 years but is now excited looking forward to meeting his sibling and being a big brother, fingers crossed!

I don't believe 'only' children are bound to be unhappy, any more than I believe those with siblings are. IMO, it mostly depends on the parents and the environment they provide.

It IS nice however to see an article which is positive about being an only child. We had planned on DS1 being our first and last (due to fertility issues) and DS2 was a happy surprise. I thought long and hard about only having 1 child and the implications of that and came to the conclusion that there were definite positives.

SleepingLion- I am sorry you have come across negative opinions. It's rude, not to mention entirely untrue.

That goes some way to help me understand why you feel like you do, SleepingLion. I'd like to say that I can't believe that people have said that to you, but of course, I can believe it. I've heard people say it to my parents. I've also had the comments myself about being an only child, (spoilt, lonely, unable to share...). My favourite of all is, 'Oh, you don't seem like an only child.'

Like I said before, people feel the need to comment and judge for some reason, we've had it because we have more children than average. That's the decision we made as having one was the one you made.

I wish you did feel resilient enough not to feel condemned by it, though. Just remember that most people are generally thoughtless.

When I say 'most people', of course I mean the ones that open their mouths to 'share their wisdom'.

I'm totally in agreement with Feministparent. I was an only child and it was SOOOO lonely. Remember begging my mother for a sibling on a regular basis, (poor woman had her reasons I later learnt). I had no-one to play with and was very bored alot of the time. When I did get to spend any time with other children it was very strange and nerve-wracking for me. Starting school was immensly stressful as I had no idea how to be with other kids.

In adult life I had to bear the full burden of nursing my dying mother (3 years) and now she is gone there is no-one to reminisce with about having her as a mum.
In summary I'd definately disagree that onlies are happier. But ofcourse it's all individual experience.
Very happy now to see my 3 DCs hugging and loving each other and feeling one of a gang.

The article's making a generalisation, so of course there will be some only children who are unhappy with their situation and some children with siblings who are happy. I'm not sure what the value is in making that comparison, since you can't make an equal comparison.

DD is an only child and I think she has been lonely at times and has struggled with social skills. But she's boarded since she started secondary school, which has helped a lot. I think that's prevented some of the disadvantages of being an only. I'm very grateful that I've been able to offer her such an experience because I can focus all our spending decisions on her.

She also has cousins who she sees all the time, so she does feel like she's part of a big family group and I don't think she'll feel the burden of being an only because of our huge extended family.

I grew up as one of four and I'm a very solitary person now. I love having my own space so if anything it made me more protective of having time alone.

I am one of six and I have to say, as a child, from the age of about 9 to the age of about 15, I hated having siblings and dreamed of being an only. I creid when my mum announced her final pregnancy, shouting "haven't you had enough?"

Now, as an adult, I love all my siblings and wouldn't dream of haivng it any other way, and look back on my childhood with rose tinted spectacles. I olny really remember the good times, and that makes me happy.

ds doesn't seem to have any problem forming and maintaining friendships or negotiating with these friends (I can hear squeals from downstairs where he's playing with a friend but they should happy squeals - will investigate and report back if I'm wrong!).

Like Pick, I think the extended family is important for onlies.

My mother is an only and used to watch me and my sister, quite bemused at our interaction - completely outside her own experience. She was really taken aback at the way we would fight fiercely but then unite against her when she intervened!

And I have read plenty of research that shows that onlies and first born childrne do better academically and in careers than any other birth order.

I like that fact.

DS is an only. He is not ovrindulged, spoilt, lonely or unhappy.

'research' that says it can measure things like happiness always makes me laugh.
There are so many variables in kids lives I don't see how they can pinpoint the key to happiness as being no. of sibs.

I was a only child until 13 and I hated it I used to cry for a sibling all the time, I felt like I was not as social or as assertive as those from big family's. I also even now am afraid to put myself first because I never had to push for my wishes to be met which means I am forever being walked all over. I think the study is rubbish I think there are good qualities of being a only child and of being part of a big family but I don't think people should try to say their choice is better than someone elses.

I also find it hard now I am lonely and if I had siblings we would all be about the same age and able to support each other.