Only children 'happier' according to this study...

[edam]

Interesting stuff for those of us with only children. Although I'm amazed apparently we make up half of all households - not in this neck of the woods or amongst my friends and family.

Also think it has to be balanced with what it's like to be an only child as an adult, especially coping with elderly parents and parents dying. I know my mother has felt desperately lonely at times - she has friends but no-one who shares her childhood memories.

(My strategy is to hope ds will remain very close to his cousins, who are fortunately very close in age - at least there's someone who will know who he's moaning about when he complains about me in later years!)

Telegraph 15 November

Only children happier than those with siblings
Only children are happier than those with brothers or sisters, according to new research which shows that sibling rivalry can have a serious effect on a child's emotional wellbeing.

More than half of the children surveyed said they had been bullied by a sibling, and one in three said they had been hit, kicked or pushed on regular occasions. Others complained of name-calling and having their belongings stolen.

The Understanding Society study run by the Institute for Social and Economic Research concluded that happiness declines the more siblings there are in a household.

Other reasons for only children being more contented include not having to compete for parental attention or to share a bedroom with a sibling, said Gundi Knies, a researcher on the project

Dr Ruth Koppard, a child psychologist, said: "In an average home, the more children, the less privacy for each child. Some love sharing a bedroom with a sibling but they would rather choose to do it than have to do it."

Homes with just one child make up nearly half of all families in Britain.

The study, to be published on Friday, questioned 2,500 young people. It also found that seven out of 10 teenagers are "very satisfied" with their lives and children from ethnic minorities are happier than their white counterparts.

Of course personal experience and anecdotes vary, that's exactly why a study of 2,500 children is interesting (especially the ethnic minority finding, would be fascinating to find out why that is). Although we need more research into only children who are adults for a complete picture.

I do worry about ds being an only when he's older - I know my mother feels sad about not having anyone to share childhood memories with, who was there at the time (obviously she tells us about them). That's why I'm lucky that he has three cousins very close in age (they are 7, 6, 5 and 3), including another only, and do my best to ensure he has very close contact with them. He also has two teenage cousins on dh's side so hopefully will stay in touch with them as an adult.

Btw, I have never had any negative comments about ds's behaviour or character as an only - from school and when he goes round to friends' houses to play, I get compliments about how well-behaved he is.

He does have an interesting habit of making friends with his friends' (older) siblings as well - I've had to cut down on numbers at his birthday parties as it was getting ridiculous as he'd invite all his friends' bigger sisters and brothers too.

I am one of three and love having my sisters, most of the time. Especially as the last one is a 'bonus' (from my Dad's second marriage). My middle sister and I fought like the proverbial cat and dog as children but are very close now.

I'm an only child and think Edam raises an interesting point in comparing the experience as a child and an adult. I wonder if the young people questioned would change their view in 10 years time?

I was always very happy to be an only as a child but feel differently as an adult. Not so much the aging parents thing (my Mum is one of 5 children and care for my Grandad has fallen firmly on her shoulders) but trying to deal with the pressure of parental expectations, having the only grandchildren etc has been very hard.

I'm also really sad that I have no-one to share my childhood memories with, my parents seem to have re-written a lot of my childhood and I really wish I had someone to back up my version, I find myself questioning my memories all the time.

I have 2 dc myself and seeing the relationship they have together makes me sad for my younger self. It was a lonely experience, I just didn't know any different at the time so didn't acknowledge it as such.

Melika - my only doesn't have a laptop, new or otherwise. Fortunately he has lots of loving family and friends who aren't narrow-minded and spiteful in their judgements about him, so he is able to be a generous, happy, sociable little lad without realising that he is supposed to be materialistic, grasping, selfish and yet deprived.

It is the attitudes of people like you, with your judgmental self-righteousness, which make the parents of onlies celebrate pathetic little unscientific studies like the one the OP posted - because we are so used to being criticised and condemned for our family.

So why don't you just go and wallow in your smugness and leave us alone, FFS?

The lesson of sharing toys(to the sibling level) and time with parents is definitely reserved for siblings. My husband was an only and was very lonely as a child, despite visiting relatives all of the time. His parents were much more selfish about their lives too, DH spent much of his time wishing he had someone to share things with or play with.

I think it's rather bizarre to judge happiness and value of a childhood through the eyes of children and what they perceive as happiness...only as adults can we really understand its worth.

I´m not an only but I didn´t have to share my room

My husband is an only & was given the biggest room.

So his parents kepta lot of stuff in his room & wandered in & out without knocking.

So, no privacy for him.

Also the pressure for him to do well & do better than them.

And the pressure now of having old parents.

But, I think that says more about his parents than him.

(It did land him in therapy)

So are you suggesting, TheFeministParent, that children are not allowed to express happiness or otherwise? That we have to authorise or authenticate what they are feeling for it to be admissible or permissible?

Because that's just bollocks, quite frankly. Not to mention incredibly patronising.

This study may be quite small and have a slightly odd definition of happiness, but if you add it to the other recent studies there does seem to be a body of fairly convincing evidence building up about the benefits of being an only child.

I'm not that sure about them being happier cos they don't have to share bedrooms, I'd like to think that children don't need plenty of material space and belongings to be happy, but the other things, they do all add up to a picture which contasts with the common rather negative stereotypes of only children.

Happiness studies are always interesting, you get different results if you ask about Happiness, Satisfaction, and Wellbeing, for instance. And different countries score differently depending on which of those concepts you're using. Some countries do better on happiness, some on satisfaction.

diddl - I am one of six. My sister hasn't spoken to our parents for years and has been in therapy for years - due to the pressures of being the oldest of a large family.

I think this argument can go round and round for a long time but in the end, as you say, most of it is about parenting rather the size of the family.

Patronising to ignore the value of happiness based upon whether or not you have to share? Or whether you have to eat sprouts for lunch? Matters not really because childhood is also about learning how to be a good adult. Sharing and learning that others are just as important must be much more challenging in an only household, not impossible of course.

And I have not suggested children should not express happiness, at all.

ProfYaffle

'my parents seem to have re-written a lot of my childhood and I really wish I had someone to back up my version, I find myself questioning my memories all the time.'

I can identify with that!!

My children are very very spoiled. They have laptops and siblings.

i will go and beat them now to make up for it.

The biggest thing for my husband is that his parents are disappointed in him.

Of course, that might not be connected to him being an only.

I can´t imagine how awful that must feel tbh.

"my parents seem to have re-written a lot of my childhood and I really wish I had someone to back up my version, I find myself questioning my memories all the time."

Well, my Dad has started to do that-and my sister is no help

sleepinlion go and roar at someone who gives a flying f*. I am fed up of the heavies on here.

diddl - I, too, have moments of feeling like a disappointment to my parents. Pesonally, I think if they had had another, they wouldn't've had to pin all their hopes on me - but I can't know for sure.

It is has been huge pressure at times.

Orm.
Good post fennel - I agree that there is finally some positivity about only children based on more than just cliches such as "ooh they're all spoiled with stuff and would rather have a sibling".
Everyone is entitled to their opinion but if it is bigoted and clearly without any thought process behind it and you are going to publish it on the internet then you can expect it to be challenged.

Well that´s it thereisalightanditnevergoesout

I guess you do pin all your hopes on them.

Thing is, he has done better than either of them-so how can they be disappointed iyswim.

He has a degree-which they expected, but neither of them do

We both do, but it seems unlikely that our son will, & our daughter could go either way tbh.

And in some ways the thought of neither of them getting a degree disappoints me.

But I wouldn´t be disappointed in them iyswim.

They are who they are & we can only support them & encourage them to do their best & aim for what they want.

I am one of 3 and have always wished I was an only. I now have a DD and have spent much time deliberating about whether to have another one because of how I have always felt. It is such a tough decision to make as I just don't know my DD will react to a sibling and I worry she will feel like I did.

Two of my friends who were only children went on to have 2 & 3 children resp. They obviously made decision (as much as you can) not to continue tradition of only child. I think that tells a lot.

melika - if you are 'fed up of the heavies on here', don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out, then.

Melika - if you restricted your comments to the specific children / families you know well, that is one thing, but to generalise is to stereotype adn parents of single children get fed up with that. It's hardly 'heavy' to take issue with generalisations and stereotypes. What youdescribe is parental indulgecne and spoiliung - that can happen in any family where there is enouigh money, and it can happen with attitudes, too, not just material posessions. It's to do with parenting, not the number of children.

Loads of the families we socialise with spend so much time sorting out the clamour of children in big families finding thier way to get heard - sometimes it is stressful for everyone, BUT I would never presume that that meant the children would be happier without their siblings.

The problem with this kind of research is that it immediately makes people v defensive - for a start, most parents would like and do have more children, whether it makes children slightly happier or not, so most people just end up living with it - and it's good! Just because there are potential issues (if you don't use your parenting skills to handle them), doesn't mean the decision to have more children is bad or a disaster or leads to UNhappy children.

Dolanette - I am one of 3 children, as is dp, and we went on to have one child. My sister, one of 3, chose to have no children. dp's sister, one of 3, chose to have no children.
I think that tells you a lot.

Except that it doesn't - see how silly that comment is?

I was an only and would've much rather had a sibling both when I was younger and now.

Am not convinced with the survey, any only child I met always wanted a sibling.

Blu - thank you for being much calmer and more rational. I get so upset because I would never comment negatively on someone's choice to have more than one child yet so many people seem to think that it is perfectly justifiable to criticise those of us who have one. Why is that so?

I can assure you it's not just reserved for parents of onlies, SlepingLion.

I get many, many comments about having 3 and another on the way. It's just people sticking their oar in - for some reason they feel entitled. If it's something we feel strongly/sensitive about - then it hurts and we do feel like we have to justify our decisions whatever they are.

I long for the day when I can muster up a serene smile and walk away calmly (not shouting obscenities in my head! )