I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

O lovely. I echo what everyone else says here - you should have seen me when DD1 was three months old, I was a fat knackered miserable weeping wreck, wondering what in hell's name had happened to my life and why oh why was I not as blissful as I was supposed to be...

Get all the help you can - although I suggest you don't ask your mother for anything, just leave her to it (I would think she is going through some horrific Guilt Stuff of her own, but frankly that is not your problem at the moment) and you will get through.

You should see DD1 now - she is nine, she is glorious and she has a younger sister. And I am still grumpy as anything, and I shout at them and at their father, but actually we are all making a pretty good fist of it and most of the time* I am a quite presentable dame who weighs what she did when she first got pregnant.

*although today I am slightly the worse for wear and hungover it should be said...

Littleamy so sorry to hear you're having such a horrible time. I could have written your post when my dd was 3 months, God how much did i hate Motherhood, it nearly killed mine and dhs relationship, I was sleep deprived, depressed and hallucinating.

My Mum wasn't great, I remember calling her desperate saying someone had to come and take dd for a few hours as I felt like jumping out of a window. She said she couldn't come as she had a flute lesson.

I doggedly carried on with bf even though there was a direct link between that and the way i was feeling. I could not stand the feeling of being so restricted, it made me ill. Once dd finally took a bottle at 7 months a lot of the crap lifted. BF can be bloody awful, smothering and suffocating. It leaves you with no life of your own. If this is the case for you then stop.

I also hated what it did to my body, I've found it very hard to reconcile myself to the fact that i feel it's trashed my body (which although i say myself was great prior to babies).

Please follow some of the advice on here, I really hope you start feeling better soon.

LittleAmy listen to the brilliant advice here. MN has kept me sane in my hour of need and we ALL need support and advice. Having a baby is THE hardest thing you can ever do..... and I thought it would be hard but had no idea it would be this hard.

You will get to a point where 'things' don't feel as horrendous as they do now.... and you will suddenly feel better about things little by little. It's not gonna be over night....

My DS is 10 months now and it's still hard at times but you get better at being a mum each day.

Sending big hugs xx

I felt so much like you did, OP, when my DS was born just over 6 years ago. It took about a year for the fog to lift, as a PP so rightly put it. I now adore DS completely and utterly and he is just a normal, cheeky little boy.

You will feel better. But you do need to be proactive and take the very good advice given here.

I hope that you're feeling a little better today.
x

How's it going, LittleAmy?

I've been drinking every day since I wrote this. I thought I was okay this morning but something tiny happened and it was the last straw

You need to go and see a GP now - for yourself to help you come out of this.

You will come through it but booze will just make it worse. Please make the appointment and get some help.

i tried to speak to a HV over the phone but my baby wouldnt let me. she was screaming so i had to hang up.

Can you go into another room with a cordless phone? If not, can you pop the baby in another room for 5 mins whilst you speak to the HV?

she won't come to any harm in her cot for 10 mins while you phone doc or HV, even if she is crying.
do call your GP or HV. They really can help & I can guarantee that sitting there with a GP or HV telling you this is all normal will make you feel at least a bit better.

basically HV suggested i give up breastfeeding. it makes me want to shut myself off from all professionals and anyone

Stunning HV advice as always.

Please don't shut yourself off from everyone though. You need to keep talking at the moment, even if it is just to tell everyone how crap you feel.

Can you go out to see anyone or go somewhere today?

Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all. I gave up as it was driving me mad!

Baby will thrive either way - on formula or breast milk. Do what is best for you and your sanity.

oh they do get bees in their bonnets about bf - I had that too. You just have to stick to your guns and repeat ad infinitum that bf is not the problem. I kept being told 'It does drag you down' even though I wasn't having the slightest problem with it and it wasn't dragging me down one little bit! I think maybe it had dragged her down so she was generalising from her experience.
Don't let it put you off seeing them. They can't make you stop bf. (And btw, there are people on here who know lots about bf and antidepressants, so if anyone suggests you can't have them because of bf you can tell them they're wrong and find the details of what you can have easily enough.)

whitehorn - thats what the HV said (2 HVs!) I resent comments like that because BFing is the only decent thing I am doing for my baby. How on earth can I ever give it up?

I've told my husband to stay out tonight. Not to bother coming home;. Why should we both have a miserable night when only i need to

I understand the not wanting to give in breast feeding as I felt that was the only decent thing i could do. I don't think stopping BF will make everything else okay.

To be fair, the HV might be reacting to what LA said and feels that BF is what the problem is.

i cant believe this is my life for the foreseeable future :( sitting on a sofa weeping with my breasts out all day and night.

why do people send congratulations cards to new parents??

i cant see a way out of this

LittleAmy, come on. You can do this. It's not a choice between perfection and disaster, there is a middle ground. You're a smart woman. You can, with help from us and in rl, feel your way to it little by little. And from there, you can make progress to getting to the higher ground again.

The baby wasn't not letting you talk on the phone; you are in charge of that, it's not her fault. Next time if she is screaming, put her down and walk away to talk at a distance so you can concentrate. It may seem mean to leave her but it's better than holding onto her and then blaming her for obstructing your phone call, right? You know this.

Not trying to be harsh. Rooting for you.

But Amy, if you're really drinking every day and not just using that as another stick to beat yourself with, then frankly the baby might be better getting a formula feed.

I'd start by pouring the vodka down the sink and not replacing it (you say you don't have ready access to money. Well, that might help at the moment). Hot chocolate is great for breastfeeding (and general gloom, though yours sounds more extreme than that). Bugger the possible weight gain for the moment. You'll have an energetic toddler to run after before too long.

DMOD, After finally speaking to the HV I'm not sure if I want her to visit afterall. Not after her attitude to BFing. It seems like everyday a new source of support is severed:

Mum - severed because she made my PND worse by telling me how harmful I am to my baby.

Husband - severed because we always argue and resent eachother.

Friends - severed because I don't want them seeing me and the house - both in a state.

HV - severed because I don't want to be pressured to give up breastfeeding and made to feel like a failure.

You online people are all I have left.

Lancelottie - people on MN and at NCT antenatal class said you can drink whilst BFing???

Little Amy - you have to make an appointment with a different GP as you really sound like you have PND. This is not your fault and it is not an indicator that you are a bad person/mother, it can happen to anyone, even somebody with 2 degrees. If you don't feel up to making an appointment then get your DH to do it for you.

The drink will not help but will only make your moods worse as it is a known depressant.

LittleAmy, you really need to think rationally here or get help from someone who will help you to. Online is not enough.

On one hand you say you sit all day with your boobs out and intimate that bfeeding is not helping and on the other hand you say its the only decent thing you are doing for your DD.

Its either total exhaustion or PND that are causing this fog and both can only be helped by visiting someone sympathetic. The HV may only be trying to help you so i would give her a hearing.