I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

I think the majority of mothers feel like this at some point in the first 4 months. You sound like you have it a bit worse than most and it would be good to go to a doctor, but it will get better. Get out of the house as much as possible, get as much sleep as possible. For brain food try some audio books, simpler to multitask with than a book. Take photos of your baby - they don't stay small for long!

I really feel for you - as will loads of mothers.

Life changes beyond belief when you have your first baby - you can never be prepared for it, no matter how maternal you thought you would be. It totally affects your relationship with your DH - you are just settling into new roles in life, with no sleep thrown in for good measure. Everyone rows, and a 3 month baby only has milk and sleep on their mind, so don't worry about how it is affecting your baby.

Most mums feel hideous after 3 months - I am sure you don't look as bad as you feel, but you have as much time as it takes to get back to how you were. When you are EBF you are doing an amazing thing for your baby, don't worry about a bit of extra weight at the moment.

3 months is quite a low time IME - you are starting to feel as if you would like a bit of 'normality' back - which you can if you want to head back that way, plenty of women do. Alternatively you may find a new way of life - go out as much as possible, meet other mums, don't worry about going back to your flat - arrange to meet in a coffee shop instead.

Persist with the anti-Ds - don't know much about PND, but I am sure they will help you.

Sorry for rambling (tired here too!!) but you are not alone - it WILL get better. Take care of yourself, relax - it's such early days, things get so much better and more fun.

xx

I could have typed your comment about how this can't be normal because otherwise how do couples manage to have more than one child! My husband and I repeatedly had the same conversation. In fact we agreed that our DS had had such a negative effect on our relationship that we might not have any more. That has changed now though. I think we all react differently to motherhood and I think (prepared to be flamed) that if you have worked at a job and enjoyed a happy success career then it can be a harder to cope with an existence that seems to be only about no sleep, wiping bottoms and crying.

Thanks for all the replies. I'll try to address some points.

I saw my GP. He said "Why are you crying for? Most women are happy when they have a child. Do you want antidepressants?" (I said yes just to get away).

My first degree was in primary education so I did a lot on the job training. But I've never actually been employed in my life. I conceived after I graduated from my second degree so I don't even know how rto properly get a job or if I could pass an interview.

As for the alcohol, what else can I do? I feel deeply alone and if I think about my lonliness too much I'm scared that I'll do something stupid. so the alcohol takes the edge off how I'm feeling and blurs everything. I truly think its stopping me from doing something stupid.

Rantyknickers - tell me all about your argumkent with your husband? My latest argument this evening was about: today I went to the hairdressers. It was the first time in 8 weeks that I have had any time apart from my baby, time to myself as it were. However I couldn't relax because my husband constantly texted me to say how the baby was howling and upset. What was I supposed to do sitting in a hair salon 20 miles away? I just wanted 2 hours away from the baby (2 hours in 8 weeks). I had left enough EBM for her. But I was not even aloud 2 hours. I feel suffocated and desperate.

AND honestly most people won't care about the nursery or your flat not being as nice as you'd like. Especially other mums who know how hard it is! So please don't worry about inviting people round for those reasons- I'm sure they would love to come and cuddle your dd for an hour while you have a cuppa and a chat.

LittleAmy Blimey. You've let it all out now. If you are an intelligent woman you know how to do treat your problem like a project.

1. Get DH to do some child care. Tell him what to do once and then leave the room. Don't chip in or go on that he is doing it wrong. Just let him get on with it then when you get back Thank him (I know he probably doesn't thank you but that's not the point you need him to be a capable Dad.)

2.Go for a walk even a little sun helps you and the baby. I had rules that we had to go for a walk between 11am and 3pm. To the point I walked through town all day and fed him on a cold bench when my house was 5 mins away (nuts!) 3.Work on a routine that works for you. If you work it out you can have time to yourself while baby naps. Not yet but quite soon you might be able to work out that baby sleeps at around 9-930am after milk or 2pm Just watch the little one. 4.Don't worry about every little cry. If you know the LO is hungry but you have to do X first say to the baby 'Your not in a refuge camp in (add country of your choice), so you won't starve & you are safe.

1. Find out what other Mum's did before baby I found the baby talk very boring.
2. A study showed that parents rowing isn't always bad for children as it helps them cope with real life, compromise and make-up. I promised DH that we wouldn't row in front of Ds and I regret it now.
3. Have a night out. It will feel very strange but it will break the spell a bit.
4. accept help from where ever it come from MIL & SIL just smile and say thank you.

I know this probably doesn't help but... maybe...

What everyone else has said and....

Stick a bloody big rocket up your DH's arse and tell him to finish the child's room off. She needs her own space and you need her to have her own space.

I also think you could try switching your mind set - you're stuck with an old belief that you SHOULD be a great mother because of your past experience but I suspect you're ideals are unrealistic.

Lower the bar.

Who ever manages to be a perfect anything?!?!

Why not try to be a good enough mother to start with? And as things improve, you'll find that meeting the standards you set yourself are easier and easier to achieve.

You also need to have a sit down with your husband and talk about the baby's bedroom. It doesn't need to be super fantastic, but painted and furnished would be good. See if you can agree with him a timescale in which it would be reasonable to have certain tasks done. Tell him that you need more support from him - the child is his daughter too, so he should step up for as many of the roles for which you are not essential when he is home from work.

And perhaps tell your mum that a bit of support would be good from her too, as a fellow mum, you know?!?!

YOUR not you're - soz.

You poor thing .

I thought I would be a good mum too. I knew what I wanted for my children, read all the books, was a brilliant nanny and just wanted to be a mum.

I had my baby and then wham got pnd and everything was turned upside down.

You need to tackle one thing at a time.

Don't listen to your mum.
Go see your GP.
Stop drinking.
Start eating properly.
Make sure you go out at least once a day even if it is just for a 20 minute walk.
Get access to the bank account. You should be getting the child benefit.
Talk to your husband.
Sleep when the baby sleeps at least some of the time.

Good luck.

Your GP sounds very ignorant Littleamy

Your husband should not have been texting you every few mins - he needs to gain confidence in HIS parenting. Slings are excellent for young babies

Yes - you shouod be able to have and you needed to have a few hours away ... Could your DH read parts of this thread?

The situation today in the hairdresser- so typical of first time dads!! They think every time the baby cries that only the mum can make it stop- it's very normal and VERY annoying. You just have to make it clear next time that- she will cry, she may or may not stop if he tries x, y and z, and that if she doesn't he will just have to deal with it as best he can as that's what you have to do all the time too but he must not call/text you unless it is an emergency as you need a break. Also explain that the more he looks after her by himself the easier it will become and make sure he does it at least once a week.

ok your gp sounds like he was being very shit... are there any other gps you could see have they booked a follow up appointment? ( I am a doctor.... and that sort of thing makes me very angry!!!!!).

if you are drinking because you are worried about harming yourself you need a supportive doctor or health visitor you can talk to about all this.

Your DH probably feels really nervous about being left with your baby. All he has seen so far is you managing to soothe her with BF and is worried that he won't be able to do the same (obviously!). My DH is exactly the same (and we have 4 DCs now) - he is terrified he won't be able to do anything if DD starts crying and prefers me to be around.

It's just something I accept now although we had some huge rows about it. I couldn't believe how much my life had changed, whereas he could just carry on as normal. Perhaps he needs to practice a bit more with you around, or going out for shorter periods of time?

Oh you poor poor thing. I had feeling similar to yours when dd1 was born. She had reflux and I was in total shock for months.

It does get easier, but right now you probably don't see that. I really wish I could offer you some advice, but all I can say is that as the children get older, your life comes back to you.

I feel as though I have almost been 'reborn' over the last seven years. I'm me again, but with a much more rounded,better developed sense of self and personality. I know that that has only come to me because I found early motherhood such a test. It took me out of a comfort zone and planted me into an alien world where I didn't feel truly at home for several years.

Now however I do feel 'at home' and I am blissfully happy. I'm not the best mum in the world and still have bad days, but I now the children are older I am not just a mum - I am a wife, a friend, a working woman, and by re establishing myself I feel some sense of equilibrium.

Good luck .

PS some of the worst (for want of a better word) are the smug ones who never question their parenting skills... go figure.

The best piece of advice I ever got was this it is ok to be good enough

Perfection is unattainable

Your baby doesn't care what your flat looks like

Baby steps - shower and then porridge for breakfast tomorrow. The oats are good for slow release energy and for your milk ...

Call your HV

See a different GP

You will find so much good advice and support on MN

EBF is also very tiring - co sleep If you can to maximize your sleeping

You are absolutely NOT traumatising your baby. Don't listen to such comments from your mother.

You are a very caring mum (or you wouldn't be on here) who is finding motherhood a little more difficult than expected. IME this is true of most mums, no matter how much you've worked with children and babies it is very different caring for a newborn 24/7.

It WILL get easier, your DD will sleep for longer, interact more and begin to show you how much she loves you. Part of what I found hard in the first few months was that newborns can't say thank you or show much affection. I sometimes thought 'My DD would be better off with someone else'. As they get older they start to show how much you mean to them- your DD really does want to be with you, she doesn't care whether she has a nursery yet (my DD didn't either until she was 6/7 months) or what your sofa looks like. She just wants you.

I do think you should have a long chat with your husband about how you are feeling. There are some simple steps that you can both take to help- for instance you are stressing about money and have to 'ask him for everything'. So, you need to discuss your finances, work out a sensible monthly budget, and either put his wages into a joint account, or have him pay a monthly amount into your account. If you choose the latter, you need to make sure that you have a fair share of any disposable income as well as plenty for the house, DD etc.

Can you also ask your husband or mum for more practical help- get an afternoon or evening off of childcare, meet up with some friends or do something that gets you out of the house and makes you feel more like the 'old' you.

Poor you. I found the first few months absolutely hellish too. Honestly it does get better and easier and life gets back to almost normal.

Take the anti depressants, there's no shame in it.

Hi littleamy,

I lurk most of the time, but wanted to post as I recognise some of the feelings you mention.

Firstly, I'm glad to see you back after the thread that kicked off with you talking about SAHM's being the better way over working mums and all the rest of it - I think you were misinterpreted then and it's good you've come back for support.

Secondly, I've wrestled with being a good mother too, but a good enough mother is a very good thing! YOu aare doing your best! Please see a different gp though x

LittleAmy sweetheart - no one can really tell you before your DC is born, what being a mother can be like and how desperately tough it can be - especially in the first few months.

Your experience with children is with other people's children - it is impossible to be objective and rational with your own child. (Dr Tanya Byron has written about this).

Please go back to your GP and ideally see your HV. Your meds can be adjusted and you could have some counselling.

I am a bit worried about what you say about your DH: "my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything."

Are you getting the child benefit paid into your own account? £80 per month.

You need to sit down with your DH and look at a budget together - regular monthly outgoings for the house, shopping, an amount for things for DD, savings and an equal amount of £ for you both each month.

You need to have a regular amount paid into your account each month not be asking your DH all the time.

Your DH needs to be helping you in the evenings at weekends - you're both working in the day. - I suspect you are working 24/7!

Your Mum is not helping at the moment - she obviously doesn't know how to help/maybe doesn't want to acknowledge you struggling and bring back her own memories?

Can I recommend a book to you - it will make you feel massively normal - What Mothers Do - Especially When It Looks Like Nothing - you can get it second hand for just £3.10 (including P&P).

Keep posting - and maybe give us some more info about DD and DH.

Oh, yes, tell your husband that he needs to assume the role of the parent. Texting you every few minutes, ffs.

You need more time than 2 hrs every 8 weeks to yourself. It's necessary for your wellbeing. Can you make sure you get at least one afternoon a week- leave baby with dh and ebf and they'll be fine. You'll be able to see a friend or go browse in a bookstore or just sit in a cafe.

Everyone else has already said it, but I'll pile in anyway.

The early weeks after having a child is, for many of us, utter utter shite. Actually, it is pretty shite until you start getting some decent sleep. It will get better. But it is really hard to endure at the time, when everyone expects you to be blissed out and you don't feel able to complain without sounding disloyal to your baby, and in any case you're isolated and can't go out and do things that would make you feel better.

Having a new baby is also like chucking a hand grenade into your relationship. I admit, there were many times when I couldn't see how my relationship could survive. But it did, we rebuilt, and now I can't imagine us being apart.

Oh and yes, your brain kind of goes for awhile, and your body. But that is not permanent, I promise.

It gets better. For most of us, it gets so much better that we actually choose to do the whole thing again! Motherhood is bloody tough, but it's also the most rewarding, fascinating, funny, tender, meaningful thing I've ever done. I didn't feel like that three months in, though.

You may or may not have PND. Check that out. Stop drinking. Prioritise getting as much sleep as you can. Agree with your dh that neither of you will leave each other for at least six months - just sit it out till then. Stop worrying about your flat - I lived in a small flat, too, and didn't sort out the baby's room for a year; we just lived in squalor till then. Don't let that stop you going out and making friends with other new mothers: they were my lifeline.

Best of luck.

Hi LittleAmy

You are falling very hard because you thought you would be great at it and your expectations were too high. Because of this you have fallen hard and fast.

You do need some help from the GP but you also need to lower your expectations. You probably thought you would be different from other mums because you're so bright and you have so much childcare experience. Having PND has blown that out of the water.

Nothing else matters now except you and the baby. These sorts of feelings can turn into being cross with your child for crying even when you're doing your best despite utter exhaustion.

Please get some help.

oh and try and get the hang of lying on your side and feeding whilst sleeping.

honestly was a complete lifesaver for me as it meant I could maximise my sleep and start to doze off as they started to feed.

things always worse when you are exhausted.