I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

I absolutely agree with rubyslippers. Have a shower, wash your hair, eat something, put some make up on tomorrow and a clean pair of jeans and go to a different doctor.

If I was your mum I would come round with a casserole, run you a bath, make you a hot water bottle and a hot chocolate and comb your hair through while you feed before bed, then set out your outfit for tomorrow so you don't have to think about a thing.

You have to forge ahead without your dh support for now, he is totally secondary.

Good luck, I hope you smile again soon.

Agree with appletrees... it is worse if you think it's going to be easy.

LittleAmy - I thought I remembered your name from another thread and you posted before you gave birth didn't you? about all the awful things people had said/you'd read about having a baby such as terrible effects on your relationship and lots of the things you'd read in some book off Amazon. You sounded anxious then and I think you might have placed very high expectations on yourself.

You sound like a perfectionist (a messy perfectionist! I am very messy - I prefer to pay my lovely cleaner once a week who is much much less expensive than a therapist - I would very much recommend that if you are finding mess/housecleaning a cause of disagreement with your husband and can afford it - although he should he very much sharing the load with you) and like you might be setting yourself impossibly high standards (even before giving birth) and worrying about failing to live up to those standards.

I am 34, a lawyer, pretty well regarded career wise (though I do say so myself...modest too), degrees, blah blah and I think it does not matter what you've done before, nothing prepares you for motherhood.

I was talking to my friend's nanny the other day and she's amazing but she was saying even being a nanny doesn't necessarily prepare you since you stil get to go home and get some sleep.

I'm aware that i've been lucky enough to have a pretty easy baby but christ...it's been a lot more fun since he turned 6 months. As soon as he could sit up he became this autonomous being that could be amused and amuse himself. Just give yourself 3 months. Ease up on the drinking at home (but do plan a night out with friends where you can have a drink...giving up breastfeeding at 6 months made me feel guilty BUT a lot lot better in myself too). Lots of good advice from other posters but I think the main message is speak to the GP about how you feel and check whether it's PND and in the meantime, ease up on yourself. It is still very early days. I practically burst with pride yesterday when my 10 month old son hit me on the head with the hairbrush when I asked him to brush mummy's hair. That's the other end of this strange spectrum you're on but you'll be over on this side soon enough. Please keep posting if you find it helps. Lots of good support here.

Tip the vodka down the sink. Make a warm milky drink, and go to bed. Read this thread tomorrow on a clear head.

hey op!! over here look look!!

wanna know who could have written your post at 3 months??? ME!! 3 to 6 months was about the worst, worst period in my life for absolutely everything which made me feel awful because dd was so cute and everything. anyway i digress. the first 3 months were just tiring but i was quite pleased with myself that i was managing quite well like getting myself washed and dressed and made up and the house was in an ok state and i got the laundry done and made dinner for dh and every couple of days i'd stroll into town and buy some more baby crap and i really though yeh i've nailed this!

however after 3 months it tuens into groundhog day and thats when you start assessing everything and what are you left with? a ost pregnancy body with all the mad hormones, a decent nights sleep is still far away and all the visitors you get with a new baby have tailed off, not to mention having nothing to say if you do meet up with your pre baby friends! oh its just heaven isn't it!!

and then.....you get upset and lonely and frustrated and start concentrating too much on your dh and then doing that counter transference thing where you are convinced everything is their fault (for example it wasn't dh's fault i was isolated but it was that he wasn't v sympathetic etc) and so on until the whole thing starts to implode and get worse and worse.....

first things first try and get some routine back. go on netmums (sorry mn but their local site is better - there is also a meet a mum board where you can find someone to make friends with - i did - was easier than i thought) local and look up activities for mums and babies in your area. if you are low income the ones at childrens centre are free and most libraries do a rhyme time session which is free too. it took me about 8 months to really make any mum friends but i feel much more socially supported now - you just have to persevere.

re the work situation. what about trying to do some freelance work from home? you could write a piece about how you feel now and submit it to some magazines. you have to begin somewhere.

meanwhile i think you need to impose some structure on yourself. i too specualte about pnd but i think the way out of depression is positive action. you could try some 'solution focused brief therapy' what you do is this imagine that your life was perfect, write down everything about it, where you'd live, what you would do every day, everything. look ast this list and try and work backwards from perfect life to now and try and work out the way forward.

re the nursery - i think you would feel better if it got done - sod the sofa - anyone who's ever had a cat will laugh with you and sympathise about that. can you think of a few people who might help you out for a day or so and get the nursery done? family? in laws? you could even ask some friends from the baby group if you felt comfortable doing that?

i am a right list preacher. make a list of everything that needs addressing in your life. pick the easist thing on the list to do and do it. you will feel just a tiny bit more in control i promise x

Hide the phone. You haven't left the baby with another child. Make sure it rings in a cupboard he can hear it so, he knows you've ..erm.. forgotten it. Don't get even,get clever... work out ways to get the best from your staff ops!... I mean DH....
Kiss him when he has done something. Smile at everyone apparently it can help even if you fake it. Write all your tips on a sheet for him. I did this with DH and wrote out a complete day plan when I went out for the day!
My sister in law was fab too. I did send my Mum nuts. To the point that she moaned so much about my bad temper to my sister and brother-in-law that he brought Mum a ticket to Canada, to see the other grandchildren... She didn't come back for 6 months! ops! again. You could also entertain yourself by correcting this post... I'm not that intelligent. Could you do some tutoring for kids in the local area at your house?
You need housekeeping money and seprate account so when you do earn you decide what to spend the money on not a great big lump. It help both DH and myself to feel independant.

You're not a bad mum at all. What you're feeling and going through right now sounds very much like me after DS was born.

I too thought I'd be a wonderful mother and I fell very short of my own expectations, I couldn't even give birth properly.

When DS was just 3 weeks old, I packed my bags and fully intended to leave home, over some silly row I'd had with DH. Can't even remember what it was about now.

I was driving myself insane trying to be the perfect mother. The hours I spent perfecting our routine, then falling to pieces when DH refused to do it my way. It was an awful time but a distant memory now.

My DH would be driven mad by me starting to say something then just stopping half way through. I was sooo tired, I would actually forget I was talking out loud.

I saw my GP, who was wonderful, prescribed anti depressants and CBT which helped me enormously. Things started to improve really quickly after that and the CBT helped me to deal with all of the practical issues that were bogging me down.

Can you possibly get to see a better GP in your practice? This other one sounds like an idiot.

oooh i remember you from back along too. weren't you doing nct classes? all my mum friends already knew eachother from their nct class. even if you have lost touch with your group the nct still do bumps and babes groups and tea parties and this that and the other - look them up x

and i meant to say, my dd is 12 months now and my god what a different place i am in. i know you feel like shit now but you will come back from there. we all do

Hey.......baby is fine, you're fine, everything will be fine.

What you are experiencing, post natal, is pretty normal IMHO, you are obviously a high achiever and intelligent, please stop beating yourself up!

We all expect ourselves to be a perfect mum, we all expect birth to be easier than it is, we all think breastfeeding will be easy and we all expect baby to sleep. When one of these doesn't live up to your expectations illusions get shattered and you start analysing yourself and your actions. Then you start doubting yourself. It's shite, isn't it petal?

There are, as many posters have said, other anti depressants out there. Tell your gp your concerns, he/she will research into the right one for you. They will work! I have been on them for 4 years now, they turned my life around.

Please, for us, go and see your gp?
Please try them.

Please talk to us sweetheart.

Please know that if breastfeeding is making you as miserable as I tihnk it is (that is you, isn't it?) you DON'T have to carry on. Ok? I'm sorry if I have you mistaken there, but if it's you, you really, really don't have to carry on. You've given your DD a brilliant start already xx

Yes LittleAmy, I specifically asked my GP not to prescribe anti depressants that wouldn't make me put on weight.

I can't remember what they were, but they worked and I lost weight, once I was on the road to recovery.

It all sounds normal to me. The first months of motherhood are hard, very hard.

Ignore your mother, and stay away from the vodka - it will only make you feel worse.

Go for really long walks in the morning to get you out in the fresh air and you'll get fitter too.

When at home, put on Radio 4 and leave it on. Some things you'll like, others you won't but you'll feel in touch and stimulated.

The best marriages are tested by newborns, that's normal. Be kind to each other and weather the storm. A new baby coming into the house is like being hit by a tornado.

I had a nightmare with my 2 (yes I had a 2nd - had to give a sibling although it was a frightening thought). But you know what, they grew to be very contented older babies, toddlers, children...

You're not a crap mother, you're just having a crap time. It will pass. Everybody has crap times in their lives, and they do pass. You also probably had a rose-tinted notion of motherhood.

Meet friends at toddler groups - too much pressure for any new mum to have people round.

Trying to be perfect only leads to disappointment. Your baby has a lovely mummy who's having a bit of a hard time. Don't make it harder on yourself.

Sending you a big hug!

Thanks everyone. I've put away the vodka and am now drinking some tea. I've also put baby to the breast as she started crying and BFing seems to have calmed me. Plus she smiled at me as she fed. Gosh I love her so much. It breaks my heart.

I am very angry with my mum. Her lack of support is really upsetting. She wants to see us regularly but when any problems arise she comes out with the strangest, most unsupportive things. This evening when I phoned her in tears she said I was traumatising DD. She said I should never argue infront of DD. She said I should now forget about myself. That I don't need any time to myself. Baby comes first. But she is not a model for motherhood. She has tried to commit suicide twice (first when I was 12 years old then shortly after) so who the HELL is she to tell ME that I traumatise my child by arguing infront of her?!

Why would my mother say that?? (Genuine question). Has anyone had a mother like this?

My DD really freaks out when we argue infront of her. She cries real tears and the look in her eyes is heartbraking. But I'm praying and hoping that she will have no memory of this. I can't remember being 3 months old, can you? What effect, if any, does arguing and shouting have on a baby? Please be honest, I can take it.

"I sometimes thought 'My DD would be better off with someone else'."

Absolutely I have thought that. When DD was a few days old I said we should get her adopted. :(

Don't worry about arguing and stuff hun.

I don't have a baby yet (am pg) but have stepchildren who I feel so, so close to (their mother is not really around).

DSS1 used to raise voices, shout scream and pull scary faces at DSS2 when he was a baby. He would cry real tears but recover really quickly. I'm sure as long as it's not happening all the time so as to become the norm it's ok.

Big hugs xx

Amy she will not remember it.

Keep talking here!

See, told ya you weren't alone :).

if your mum is like that then seek impartial advice. sounds like mum has an agenda or two and thats really unhelpful for you. talk to health visitor if gp is pants. mine is really clued up about pnd and ptsd from difficult births etc

aldo re the thinking it would be easy, amongt my mum friends, one is a clinical psychologist, two have phd's. honestly you should hear them! they sounded just like you a few months back

LittleAmy, well done, I'm glad you've put away the vodka. The last thing you need on top of everything else is a hangover.

Your, I'm sorry to hear about your Mother, the relationship doesn't sound terribly supportive There are obviously some very deep issues there, perhaps linked to how you're feeling now as a new mother yourself?

I fell out with my mother for a few months whilst I was going through PND. I couldn't cope with her criticism of me, when I was feeling so low. Things are a lot better now. She has managed to hold her tongue for over 3 years now and she's back in our lives.

You so obviously love your DD so much and it seems that you're beating yourself up over everything you do and say, because you think you're letting her down somehow.

That will get better as you get on top of the PND, really it will.

I used to hate myself for crying so much with DS, I didn't want him to grow up thinking he made Mummy sad. Still brings tears to my eyes thinking back to it all.

Your mum is an arse - my mum was similarly unhelpful and managed to re-write history to become the perfect mother. She certainly contributed to my PND and I had to cut right back on seeing her for me to get well again.

It is a well kept secret but the first 0-9 months of a babies life are utter, utter shit. It does get better, promise.

Your baby will not remember any of this. I was a snivelling, hormonal, embittered mess but my DS1 (9yrs) seems unharmed by it.

The worst word you can use right now is "perfect". I am firmly convinced that perfectionists are in great danger of ending up miserable as mothers, because what is less perfect than a little being which isn't finished yet? An unpredictable, needy little being...

You go into great detail about your first class degrees and ambitions, but did you ever learn, or train, how to fail?

If you cannot get over your perfectionism, please take this as your new project, one you can make your own. Learn to fail, and to re-make yourself and your life. You have achieved a lot so far, so you can do this.

However, give yourself a rest first, and a break. It is hard for everyone, and you really have to stop thinking things are over for you. Everything is just different.

Also, please show your husband and mother this thread, or some of the things you have written. They ought to understand why you are acting in this way, and see how you interpret the way they have been trying to help.

Good luck!

hubblybubblytoilntrouble - what antidepressants did you use? Also what was the final straw that made you brake up with your mum? How did the relationship end?

sungirltan - what agenda do you suspect mum has?

TheCrackFox - what did your mum do?

DeadPoncy - I don't cope with failure very well. The way I see it is: it's hard to know when you're being a good mother, but it's easy to know when you're being a bad one :(

Just popping in to show some support for you LittleAmy. I have been there and back again. You'll find your way.

I don't think you can call it when the child is so young. I don't think you can know if you've been a good enough mother until they're standing at the front door, fully grown, and you're taking the front door key back off them!

Sorry, I missed your later post about your mother. That is out of order. She is being selfish to make such demands (emotional manipulation) on you without considering their effect. After all, she is not sleep-deprived and hormonal, is she?! Your DH also sounds insensitive, but much more understandably so. Your GP was obnoxious. I'm not surprised you are feeling so crap, surrounded but not supported, by such negativity. Please try to understand that some of your despair is due to this, not to you, and not to your DD!

Keep posting here. You're really not alone with this, and people here can be really positive and practical.

I think it was sertraline LittleAmy, but it was a few years ago and there may well be newer ones in use now.

The story with my mum is a long one. I felt criticised by her all my life tbh, whatever I did wasn't quite good enough, it meant I could never be happy with my achievements, whatever I did could always be done better, quicker whatever. (I didn't rationalise any of this until I went through CBT though?

Things came to a head when DS was just a few weeks old. Everything I did, I did it wrong according to her. Birth complications, jaundice, very sleepy baby, wouldn't feed etc. The maternity ward nurses/gp/midwife told me to keep him awake when he was feeding, tickling him, taking off his babygrow if necessary, to make sure he got enough milk. My mother told me I was torturing him, that sleep deprivation was a recognised torture method . It sounds silly now, I should really have just been able to laugh it off, but she really hurt me. It was a similar pattern to my childhood really, my mother's right to express her opinion counts above anyone's feelings.

Anyway, we had a huge row, a slanging match, a lot of stuff was said that was very unpleasant, on both sides. It was actually over an IM site but I couldn't talk to her without crying and I wanted to say my piece.

We didn't contact each other for a few months. I got better, I got stronger and I learnt how to deal with her negativity.

We did make up and she has never criticised me again, although I noticed the other day she was having a moan over the wallpaper I've chosen for my kitchen, so I'll have to keep an eye on her!

You're so right about how hard it is to know how well you're doing! That's it exactly. I used to think, if someone could just come in and tell me 'well, you did that very well, a bit more of that, a bit less of that and a few more of these tomorrow' life would be so much easier.

I've learnt now to trust myself and, like RubySlippers says, good enough is good enough.

Failure, for me anyway, is easier to accept if you also allow yourself to accept your successes and count them at least as equally important.

"it's hard to know when you're being a good mother, but it's easy to know when you're being a bad one"

Not true. None of us know how our efforts will pan out. Anyway, some of it depends on the relationship with the child, so even the most "incompatible" people can find an understanding.