I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

Grandma? I'm 29.
You aren't giving information, you're giving abuse.
Where did you tell me not to bother?

How is it acceptable that you go on people's threads and post nasty shit when they have come here looking for support and advice.

You have been very offensive and rude this evening. And yes all threads. Why not one thread? Why arent you just posting on one? Sod off.

You are very brave for expressing this. I think many women are simply afraid to be honest for fear of judgment but think just the same as you. For me, the infant stages were quite enjoyable, but as time passed, I felt absolutely stuck. I felt I was a prisoner of my child's life. I remain in this stage to date. I've explored many avenues to counteract this feeling, but being the eternal realist, my attitude remains. Anyway, like I said earlier, you are really rather brave to admit your feelings. This is not an easy or simple situation.

There is no such thing as a perfect mother. Just aspire to be good enough.
I tied myself in knots trying to respond in the "right" way and not knowing which way that actually was. Truth be told it's probably different for each child/parent combination as well as each individual circumstance. It's impossible to get it right all the time so don't beat yourself up about it. I really wish I had that understanding when mine were small. It would have removed much of the inevitable mother guilt.

The early years are really hard but you'll look back on it and thank goodness you never gave up. It really does get better and the years fly by - although the bad bits seem to last forever at the time.

Oops zombie thread.

I'd love to hear how you are getting on many years later - i feel similar to the things you mentioned here. I don't think you had PND not at all in fact, you're just being authentic, brutally honest and truthful..

Why is it people jump to the conclusion that new mums have PND when they share brutal truths..?

I wish more new mums were honest and authentic about it.

Are you ok @TaurusMama?

The OP of this thread sounds like a textbook case of PND. Parenting is hard, but daily weeping, self harm, feelings of absolute despair, suicidal feelings, picking fights and absolute inability to cope are not just the normal reality of parenthood, but indicate a more serious imbalance. If you’re feeling the same way I think it’s important to recognise that it’s not simple the brutal reality of parenthood, but very likely some form of depression.

Do you have anyone around you you can speak to for support?

@Vtech I’m fine, exhausted most days but yes fine! Thank you for asking :)

Apologies but I didn’t fully read the post properly, I skim read it but got the sense that this lady was suffering from usual feelings of ‘what have I done?!’ Which every parent gets at one time or another.. people/mum’s in particular are not open and honest enough about how difficult it can be when you don’t have a ‘village’ to turn to so to speak or are doing it on your own.. I didn’t see the bit about suicidal thoughts nor self harm :/ and yes I can openly say I fully agree that feeling this is not right and needs urgent help!!

I guess what I am saying is that it is usual to feel overwhelmed/down or even a bit depressed somewhere along the motherhood journey.. but PND is hardly seen or spoken about like the norm, most people I know have had it!! Including myself but it went unnoticed at the GP check up and I wasn’t aware I had it, I just assumed it was that difficult... MOST parents/mums experience it and yet it’s seen as not a normal thing.. it is!! Let’s normalise the fact that most, if not all mothers (in particular) will experience PND or PNA (anxiety) which may go totally unnoticed unless you have support around you who may notice

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