I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

No idea but bumping.

Thanks DM.

Hey LittleAmy - sorry have been off internet too for a while !

Yes, would love to meet up. So, pleased you are out and about and getting support at your BF Group.

Give me a date & time and I will be there !

xx

There is loads of good advice here Amy, but to add a little suggestion get a wage for the hard work you are doing with your child. Ask your DP or DH for a weekly amount to go into your own current account so that you regain some control over your life. Also my comprehensive speech went in the first year of my childs life. I even gained a little stutter. I have only regained my articulate speech since getting enough sleep and getting back to work. So, in a while you will be able to speak better.

LA, I reckon a new thread in another topic (children's health maybe?) about the poo question would get you a proper answer, or range of answers, more quickly.

Re: poo (warning - do not read if you are eating or about to eat!)
If the child has got a bit constipated and has not had a poo for a few days, it is very natural for the first poo to come out to be a bit more compacted and darker in colour. It is the 'oldest' poo in the body if you see what I mean. In my humble experience (I am not a medic, just a mum with constipated children) the darker poo is then often followed (sometimes in the next half hour!) by more poo that is looser and lighter in colour.
Keep encouraging fruit juice and maybe some soaked prunes in cereal etc. (but not too many!)

link to a meet-up htread :)

thread. Thread. I have not slept in a very long time.

LA - definitely start a new thread about the poo. It doesn't sound quite right to me. I'm no expert either, but your LO is too young for jennifersofia's suggestions.

When my first child was born I was over the moon. This feeling didn't last long. Soon after he was born I was told that my son was jaundiced and had to go under 'lamps'. This meant that he had to be kept in the nursery, so he wasn't with me all the time, as other newborns were with their mothers. He also had to be fred every two hours. The stress of this was accentuated when I found one of the nurses bottle feeding my son, after I had asked them not to, because I was trying to get my breast-feeding going. I have no idea how many times this occurred but it was often enough for my son to refuse feeds, and consequently, I lost my breast milk and so had to bottle feed my son with formula, and I ended up with mastitis. Because my son was jaundiced, this also meant an extended stay in hospital. I was so depressed that I couldn't sleep and used to walk the halls and balconies of the hospital every night. Then, once I was home, I realised how uncaring the father of my son actually is, when I tried to explain to him how I was felling and how I needed help. Then, as if all of this wasn't bad enough I then had to endure and interfering mother-in-law, who I eventually told to 'BUTT OUT'. This has caused an irreparable rift between us.
Three years down the track, my second son was born. This was a much more pleasant experience as far as the birth and post-natal experience goes. However, I soon found out how much of a jerk their father is, when I found out that he had been cheating on me the whole time I was pregnant. Anyway, we separated, and I spent the next 21 years raising my two sons alone, with no help or support from anyone. As both my children were special needs children (with Aspergers), this was not easy, and created no end of problems for me with regard to child care, and before and after school care. So, this meant that it was virtually impossible for me to return to work or finish my studies. I had a couple of relationships but my sons both fought with them to the point where I decided that it was best to not be involved with anybody while I was trying to raise these two boys. Their father wasn't around much. Just used to drop in whenever he felt like it. He had a girlfriend he used to abuse my sons, until I told him they were no longer going to her house and that if he wanted to see them, he had to make other arrangements. I have never once refused him access to the boys, despite how I feel about him. But still, my sons felt let down. My youngest child was in and out of trouble - constantly suspended from school, and then as a teenager, trouble with the police and trips to children's court. This was because he was angry at his father. Eventually he was accepted into an art degree at university, met a girl who really loves him and they now have a beautiful little boy. So he seems to have sorted himself out finally. The older one, was absolutely no trouble whatsoever, well behaved at school, never in trouble, always did what I told him to. He wanted a dog! So I told him that if we got a dog, he was going to be responsible for it, for cleaning up after it, for feeding it, grooming it, walking it, changing dog's water, etc. He agreed to everything and we got a dog. Then, a few months ago, I started working as a volunteer to try to gain some work experience, after not working for so long. I have rheumatoid arthritis and there are good days and bad days. There are also a lot of things that I can't do around the house, so I made an arrangement with my son whereby we would clean the house together. This lasted about two months. He started spending more and more time in his room playing computer games. Each time I tried to get him to come out and sit with me and talk or watch tv together in the living room, he would stay for a short while then go back to his room to continue playing computer games. He was enrolled in university, but never did the work and bombed out. Then one day, the dog had crapped all over the living room and I had to work that day, so I asked him to clean it up, as he had agreed to do. He didn't do it. The next day, their father decided to drop by unannounced, saw the mess and whisked him away. He didn't even say goodbye, take his clothes or anything else. Since then I have seen my son twice and he doesn't bother to call me. We make arrangements to meet and he doesn't show or cancels at the last minute. Then he decided to go stay in Rockhampton, at the time he said it would be for a few weeks. Now I find he is back in Brisbane and staying with his father's aunt. He hasn't bothered to call me, or come and see me, ignores all my messages on facebook and his mobile phone is constantly switched off. So, having children ruined my life! I have no job prospects, no qualifications, no relationship with anyone, no money, and I'm depressed.

ZOMBIE THREAD.

kewl this thread is from years ago.

Kewl if you need help and advice, start a new thread and posters will support you.

I wonder how op is after 5 years.

You arn't depressed or whatever else they want to call it there isn't such thing

Is there a reason you've revived a 5 year old thread to make this point?

The OP posted this 5 years ago.

And no, it's not ridiculous and selfish. The poster is clearly struggling in an awful situation. She needs help, not abuse.

yourUser, you need to stop. This is the second thread tonight that's made me gasp at your cruelty.

Not even bothering to reply as you'll be deleted soon.
CheerfulYank she's posted abuse on about 10 threads now.

over a month ago actually. Fuck off.

youruser ODFOD. What exactly is your aim? Upsetting already upset people? Well done what a brave soul you are

Fuck off you goady twat.