I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

I will come round and help you if you want.

I don't know what to say. You need some help. You are a good mum, you care and youy love her. At her age that is really all she needs, as well as the practical stuff.
What would help at the moment do you think? Time to yourself? Does your baby cry? Sleep? Where abouts are you in the country?
Please call the samariatns if you need to.

breastfeeding is good for DD but not for me. however her needs definately come first. no question about that.

if i speak to GP all they can do is give pills. ive got a box of pills here but pills make me feel ill.

yes her needs come first but not to the complete detriment of your own. If a middle ground can be found then please cut yourself some slack. Would time alone help?

why does my DD get freaked out when i get freaked out if all she needs is milk and sleep?

I think what the drinking/bf thing comes down to is that the evidence suggests only a teeny tiny bit of the alcohol goes through into the milk, so if you are just drinking a normal amount it's not likely to do any harm, but if you are drinking a lot it is going to mount up. Only you know how much you are drinking. The other concern is the safety element - you don't want to fall asleep while feeding her and drop her or roll on her. Moderate drinking while bf=fine, heavy drinking=risky.

and all the links you say are severed, they are not severed forever, you are just finding them hard at the moment.
I'm sure your friends would far rather be told how you are feeling and be given the chance to help, than find out later on that you were feeling shit and didn't tell them. Motherhood isn't a competition! Some of the most capable people I know struggled in the first months and it has no bearing whatsoever on what great parents they are now.

You didn't mention the GP in that list of sources of support, so that should probably be your next step.

And if you can cut the vodka out, that will be something that you can be proud of doing for your baby, to add to the breastfeeding.

No, GP's can arrange therapy and help.

I volunteer with an organisation called Homestart which offers friendship and practical support for new mothers. Very often GPs and HVs refer new mums with PND.

Unfortunately the way you feel is very common amongst new mothers but, more often than not, not spoken about. You do not have to suffer this by yourself.

Whereabouts in the country are you?

littleamy where do you live?

You won't have friends over. Can you go to theirs?

Who else is there who can help apart from your mum and partner?

Drinking alcohol isn't just about your breastmilk. It's about how you can properly function.

My mum was an alcoholic. She started when I was young, got worse then after she had another baby she spiralled out of control. She drank to blur things, make things easier to cope at first. It became a glass a night to a bottle to drinking in the day to not eating, just drinking. In the end she lost everything.

'breastfeeding is good for DD but not for me. however her needs definately come first. no question about that.'

if you are a in a plane with your child and the oxygen masks drop down you have to put your own on before you help your child with theirs. This is exactly the same: your dd's greatest need is for you to be in an emotional state to look after her.

Littleamy she's picking up on your mood. I found if I was trying to calm DS when I was wound up it didn't work. I would make sure he was safe by putting him in his cot, leave the room, calm down then try again.

if i cut the vodka out then i will be cutting out all the pleasure i have in life. and im not being precious when i say that.

GP just wants to give me pills.

HV is going to visit tomorrow and weigh baby.

Neither GP nor HV has mentioned Homestart, which says a lot about how limited they are.

You can self refer to Homestart.

theres no homestart in my area. ive checked the website.

LittleAmy do go talk to a sympathetic GP, I thought the same - it's either pills or nothing - but eventually went when I was really struggling with dd at about 7 months and they helped with CBT and the support I needed to get through a difficult time, and although they would have prescribed pills if that hadn't helped, it was far from being the only option. In retrospect I wish I'd gone a lot earlier. Also agree that the pills you have that make you feel ill may not be your only option.

You sound exhausted. It does get easier but there is no shame in needing help to get through the first few months. Our culture is very, very odd in expecting new mothers to cope with it alone. There are so many other cultures where it is taken for granted that dealing with a new baby needs lots of experienced support from family, friends and community. I'm not surprised there is so much PND. You are absolutely not alone. Take care x

If they don't bring it up then you can - tell them you need counselling, tell them you need support.

do they know about your drinking?

have you seen the mental health team in your area, eg a community psychiatric nurse? If not then believe me, there is more help they could be giving you.

When you look at your DD how do you feel?

BF is a good thing you can do. When you're drinking, giving her formula or expressed milk taken when you've not had a drink is another.

Google children and family centres and your town to find your local centre. They're usually drop in so you can pick up a timetable today and find someone to talk to.

sorry x-posted with you - try a different GP in the practice if you're not getting help of a kind that helps you from the one you've seen?

I havent read this whole thread but it sounds like sleep deprivation to me. I sympathise. I have a 23 month old and a 6 month old. My husband and i are holding on to the threads of our marriage, it has been hard but i am optimistic we will make it. I dont drink, not even a drop, not because i dont like alcohol (believe me i do) but because i like to think i deserve a break in this nurturing young babies thing and what with sleep deprivation, the break from alcohol is only helping my body even tho sometimes the whole thing might feel so stressful that only alcohol will calm you down. If you can possibly give up the alcohol or cut down a lot i think that might help in the medium to longer term. I mean this in a totally non judgemental way as I can relate to a lot of your original post. if you can feel proud of getting to three months with your gorgeous baby that will also help, you have done well and should be congratulating yourself

To self refer to homestart you just ring them up contact details here
I hope your health visitor will sit down and listen to you when she comes round to see you. Ask her to refer you to homestart and talk to her about how you are feeling at the moment

more info on home start here www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support
I hope this helps

Just read this thread - I feel so sorry for you - you sound like you're having such a hard time of it. But when you said 'she smiled at me when she fed, I love her so much' it was the loveliest thing. Keep remembering that moment. Being a Mum is so hard. My DD is now 13 months and is a total delight but at 12 weeks I remember just crying and constantly googling 'when does it get easier'. Where are you? I'd be very happy to come and take your baby for a walk to give you a break.

Also have you tried speaking to Parentline? 0808 800 2222 www.parentlineplus.org.uk/ They do telephone and email support - I've not used them myself but a close friend found them really helpful when she was at a similar point to you.

This is desperately sad, especially: "you online people are all I have left". That's really not good, as we only appear to you when you look for us, rather than being able to insist on seeing you in RL.

However, if we are all you have left, why not tell us whereabouts in the country you are, and hopefully make a RL connection, rather than severing? I'm in SE London/Kent, and although from Saturday we will be away for a week, I am a SAHM/WAHM, so can be flexible about days. I have a car, so don't worry about the transport side of things.

Don't really know what to add, but I also thought I was going to be a brilliant mother, and I even acknowledged that it would be hard and the problem was with people who romanticised babies- roll on to when I had my own- I've never been so angry with anyone in my life as i was with my lovely much wanted baby! I shouted at him constantly, threw him down on the bed to stop myself throwing him out the window, left him downstairs in the kitchen in his buggy in the middle of the night because he cried so much. It was the most awful time. My mother wasn't much help either- He was her first grandchild and if he was being awful it was because I was breastfeeding ("Tell mummy to give you some food!")was one particularly helpful comment, or because I was doing something else wrong. Writing this I can't even think how I did those things. My son still loves me and doesn't remember any of those things. This isn't your life from now on. It's a very difficult part of your life for a little while. I found HV's to be useless too and out of date with their advice. The only thing that saved me were my friends in my NCT group and going to every mother and toddler group going, just to break up the day. Everyone will have their boobs out there, and if you're lucky, someone will even make you a cup of tea and give you a biscuit!

LittleAmy, you've had a lot of good advice on here, I only have one thing to add:
Everyone I know who has had children has talked about looking back on the first three months as nightmarish in various ways. But you have got through this far, so just have a think about how things might be in another 3 months, and then another and another.
A 6-month-old baby is really quite different from a 3-month-old. Getting much more interactive for a start, and usually crying less, and sleeping more. A 12-month-old is completely different, could be walking even. Their independence grows so quickly, and you get gradually more of your independence back, to decide how to use your time and get more focus on yourself. This goes on and on happening - my children are 6 & 3 and I'm still getting waves of realisation of how much easier things are becoming - even though I thought we were past most of the the really restricting stages.

You haven't mentioned many of the concerns lots of people express - for example how are nights, are you getting some sleep, does your baby nap in the day, is she feeding well? If not, then you can get help to resolve those immediate issues, and if those things are going well, you can start planning how to organise your time so you get back some of what you're missing - for example:

• seeing friends (for coffee out if you don't want them at your home)
• meeting other mums - just pick a baby activity and go along
• exercise - can you have a brisk walk with the buggy?
• food - take time to shop, then make healthy & tasty meals while baby sleeps... make double and freeze some for a bad day.

Your friends really won't mind seeing you or your house in a state - if they knew, they'd probably be desperate to help. I know I often don't contact friends with tiny babies in case I distub them... so you need to reach out. Do any of your friends have children?

Also if you can stand back enough, can you ask your husband how he feels about having the baby in the family? Perhaps if you can understand this (he may also be feeling traumatised that his wife seems to have gone away and time at home is not the same now) then you can work together to create bits of time to do things together. Do you have a baby sling? We had some lovely walks which just let us spend time together chatting, almost ignoring the baby as they sleep well in the sling - just looking at the beautiful sleeping face occasionally in wonder.

Really it does sound like what you are feeling is because of the fog of hormones and you mustn't make assumptions about it being a permanent state of affairs. None of this will stay the same, please remember that when you feel down.