I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

oh i dunno - re the agenda - what i mean is that sometimes our parents find it impossible to just be helpful if they are already dissaproving of something else we have done as in they likie to say things like 'well YOU married him/turned that job down/gave up bf/went backl to work too early/etc etc' even if you just told them that your dc was having trouble sleeping or osme such innocuous problem iyswim

if you talk to gp/hv/us lot then since we don't know you we have no agenda to project on you whilst giving advice

OP - I expect being a good mother is about many things. You insinctively put your child's needs first and are happy to do so.

If the child is happy and contented, developing well and you are in a good place, I would expect that you are doing a pretty good job.

LittleAmy - I may be off the mark here but I think your feelings will have something to do with your childhood and your relationship with your mother

Having a baby can trigger long repressed emotions about childhood.

I would urge you to seek counselling and if this is the case visit the Stately Homes thread in Relationships

I felt as you do when my firstborn arrived. Like you I wanted to be the pefect mother. I did have a course of anti-depressants because they helped lift me up from the very bottom of the black hole, just enough to see a chink of light and realise that my childhood was shit and that my parents were wankers. Counselling and posting here set me on the rest of my journey to where I am today.

Yes now I am a happy mum and I did go on to have another baby but I was where you are. One day I just wanted to jump in the river behind our house and go to sleep.

You are not alone as others have said and you are not a bad mum.

'If the child is happy and contented, developing well and you are in a good place'... yes, well, that would be easy to spot. But it's not great if you have a baby who cries a LOT (and let's face it, some of them just do), development happens in fits and starts and you only ever hear about other childrens' development when they are ahead of the norm, and the OP sounds as if she is very far from a good place. In those cases you do start wondering what kind of mum you are because it really does feel pretty shit.

But you're still doing as well as most of us Lily, believe me.

My sister-in-law made a decision not to argue with her husband and...kept to it!

She said life was much easier. She was arguing over little things that in the scale of things didn't matter.

Your mother has a lot of issues. Ignore her. But also, don't ask her for advice. You know she's going to upset you. I have a friend with a very odd mother. She has totally accepted that she's odd and her life is happier for it. She told me if her mother died she wouldn't miss her. As someone whose mother has died (we were very close and I miss her terribly) I find that very sad. My mother-in-law had a difficult mother who ruled all her children till she died aged 100. Don't cut her off literally, let her go in your head. You have your own family and you will find your way. Give your hubby slack and hopefully he'll give you slack too.

I hope all the lovely posts here give you confidence. You will get through this. No mother is perfect, thank God, how would children live up to them if they were?

Enjoy the good moments. As you say, you love your DD so much - hang on to that. You are all she wants and needs. xxxx

Oh my God, you poor thing feeling like this. I will echo many others and say this really does sound like PND. Your post describes exactly how I was feeling a couple of months ago.

There's currently a kind of support thread running that you may find helpful here.

FWIW, the first 3 months are absolutely the hardest. They barely give anything back, they just feed, scream, poo, feed again, scream again, throw up, etc. etc. It feels endless, but it does pass. Soon she'll be really communicating with you, and you with her. You will see that you are the most important person in her world, the person she wants to be with more than anyone else. And it will make you feel a bit better, it will.

But please do take the advice on here and pop over to the thread I mentioned where a few of us have related our experiences.

I felt like this with my 3rd, but the first 2 and a half months were the worst, he si now 6 months, it s lot better than a newborn. I felt about exactly the same as u.

we think ur partners will be so helpfula dn lovely but a baby can set the gender roles back 100 years adn u realise its all on u. the magazines lie to us and the media. I think if u accept ur life changed but mens really does not that much and not hate him for it, as the resentment will just make thigns worse, wish u were in scotland I would try and help. as i am better now and can see the sun not just blackenss anymore. My mum used to be the same too, I hate that mums are meant to be wise, I used to get so upset that ididnt have the kind of mum who would be helpful adn wise and friendly. I still can't understnad the way my mum used to be with me. do u have a friend in rl? well u have mumsnet stay on here, this site is so important its helped me through so many things, keep talking and i will know ur not alone

I meant you will know u are not alone. i keep writing big posts, of advice but i don't know what to say as I had a bad day today myself, but they are few and far between. I just wanted to fast forward the first 6 months as I know its gets easier. I'm glad there are posters who know what to say, things will get better the baby will get bigger adn grow older and get easier, this is just a bad bit of time that will pass

I feel for you, I really do. It sounds like PND. I had undiagnosed PND with my 1st dd, and I was off the deep end. I shouted at her, even as a tiny baby, I was so angry with her- I feel uncomfortable thinking about it even now. I felt so trapped!
Things that helped me:

• going to baby groups regularly. It is a bit mundane, but at least you can have a chat and a bit of a moan to someone who is not your dh and will understand a bit, and you get out of the house.
• I had a friend who is a homeopath who treated me, and it really did help. I am not a big believer, and don't know if it would help others, but it really seemed to help.
• It can get better. My dd1 is now 9, and we have an occasionally rocky, but mostly pretty strong good relationship. I couldn't imagine it at the time, but I ended up having 2 other dc, and I now feel really glad.

Keep posting, and maybe change your GP. It can get sorted. I wonder if your mother has some of her own unresolved issues that this is all bringing up, hence her making comments?

Hi

A lot of useful stuff has been posted already. Hope you can see it really isn't just you. Anyway, fwiw here are my thoughts.

• you're a perfectionist. I was one once, pre ds and that definitely contributed to my PND. I used to wail that I could never tell if I was "good enough" but I now realise that surviving the day intact - baby fed and loved and clean is "good enough"

• on the subject of "good enough". This is one of the most important concepts in child psychology. You could google Winnicott who described it. A child with a perfect mother is screwed as life will constantly disappoint them so less than perfection is good for your dd.

• your dh was a twat when you were getting your hair done but he's scared of your dd. Which is a bit crap for you. He needs more time with her and to do more of the caring on a daily basis.

• arguing won't damage her but isn't good for you. Try to let go of the little things with dh. He isn't perfect either. If he can't get round to doing the nursery then get someone in. You need to sort out the budget so you have access to money.

• go back to your GP or better still a different one or your HV. Sertraline is usually weight neutral. I'm a GP myself and what you're feeling is common and will pass with time and help. I can't tell on here what you need but you deserve help.

• tell your mum to eff off.

• stay away from alcohol, it makes everything worse

• keep on meeting up with mums. I almost never have people to the house (now have 3 dcs, 2 dogs and a messy dh). Going out for a coffee is great especially if it's somewhere with nice comfy sofas to veg and bf on.

• walking and fresh air is good and helps babies sleep (and if they're crying it's not so loud outdoors)

I'll shut up now but it does pass and you'll be grand in the end x

Oh poor you. I felt exactly like this at the same point after having my DD. I didn't tell anyone and lived through it but it was bloody awful. Please go and see your gp, please. Don't do what I did and try and be 'brave', it's not worth it. I've just had my ds and I can't believe how different I feel about him and I wish I'd felt the same about DD.

You've got some brilliant advice here, please take it and get some help.

Good luck x

I was going to try and post something more helpful to this thread than my previous effort (although I'm actually touched that you did in fact put down the vodka and make a cup of tea - I don't think anyone on MN has ever followed my advice before) but mollycuddles said everything I was trying to phrase.

Just checking in to see how you are this Morning

Why is your mother like that? God, who knows. She's not being helpful, but she is a human being, and she's wrong.

I remember how vulnerable I was at that stage and comments from other people could really sting. But it is normal to row with your husband when you're tired, normal to think you're a shit mother when you're exhausted. And what you said about always being maternal? You will get that back. I can totally relate to it because I was always a fabulous aunt, loved children, always wanted to be a mum - and then I had a baby with reflux and the horror... it was awful at times, and like you I fell a long way. But it does, does does get better, and soon. You're at an "always darkest before dawn" stage.

Your intellect, like your self-esteem, will return. Deep down you know this is tiredness. I was horrified by my inability to form a sentence as articulacy is a big part of my job. With a 14 month old DD, I'll admit to you that on my days in work I am totally normal, just as I was, and the other days I'm saying things like "pass the thingy, the umm, you know, saucepan" But I've learned to have a sense of humour about it. The smarts come back when you need them. The brain's a funny old thing.

There's an excellent book called "What Mothers Do" by Naomi Stadlen which I strongly suggest you read. It will reassure you no end.

Listen to all of us who tell you this is both normal and temporary. We're not soft-soaping you (why would we, we're a bunch of vipers, have you not read what the Daily Mail says about us? ) We're telling you this because it's the God's-honest truth.

Your partner is going to have to ship up. I would show him this thread if I were you. My DH revised his opinion of my habit of going into the en-suite (out of DD's earshot) and yelling to relieve the stress on screamer-nights after speaking to some friends of ours where the woman did just the same. Just like you, he wasn't expecting this because no-one talks about it. He needs to understand that a) what you're going through is normal and b) it's in his power to make things an awful lot easier.

Are you getting one lie-in a week on one weekend day? He doesn't get both lie-ins at weekends. You should be giving her her morning feed and handing her over so you can get some extra sleep.

So sorry you feel like this but as you can see from the number of posts you've had, you aren't alone and the first few months are horrible.

It's nearly 12 years ago since I was a first time Mum, I had just started a PH.d. I found DD's baby photos the other day and we were shocked at how truly ill DH looked, there weren't any of me as I used to hidd from the camera. I remembered the hell that was those first few months vividly and it wasn't a pleasant memory but having clocked up a fair few years if parenting I have so many others that are lovely and the benefit of seeing my lovely DD blossom and very much become her own person, as different to me as I am to my Mum.

Please find another GP in your practice to see or consider changing if there isn't anyone else. Is your HV any good ? Mine was rubbish but the one decent thing she did was introduce me to my lovely friend when our DD's were only a few weeks old. That made a huge difference as I stopped feeling isolated. It is really important to find something that brings you into contact with other people in the same boat. I saw a buggy fit group in the woods the other day where they all trudge off with prams and an instructor and stop every so often and do exercises. There was a lot of smiling going on and I thought what a great idea as I was trying to keep my dog from getting too excited by the arm waving.

Mothers come with their own agendas and as people say, having a baby of your own does make you look at the relationship between you and your Mum. Mine caused me a lot of grief when DD was young and I only found out recently that my very mild DH told her to back off when DD was little.

A new baby puts huge strain on a relationship while you learn to accomodate their needs, it is a huge shock but things settle down. Your DH will get the hang of looking after your DD. I think men sometimes feel at the beginning that being pregnant and carrying a baby for 9 months means you instinctively know what to do. They soon learn you don't know and they start learning.

The biggest lesson I learned about Motherhood was you only need to be good enough, I had to figure this out myself as there wasn't MN then. I am truly rubbish at babies but as my two are older now (There is a fair gap between my two as we thought we were so rubbish after DD we didn't want to inflict ourselves on another child but nature took its course and DS turned up just as DD started school, what a revelation it was second time round, so much easier). There are no prizes for having an immaculate house etc. The only prize is the love of your child which is unconditional and you get anyway, simply by being there for them

Please keep posting, things honestly will improve but do try again with a different GP as the right one can help you right now.

That another good point - every mother isn't good at every stage of motherhood. Some bits you just have to get through best you can.

And cheerfully ignore people who say new babyhood is the "best stage". This is nonsense. DD is one and huge fun. This stage is much more rewarding than screamy-baby-phase. I think some people wear great big rose-tinted-nostalgia-glasses.

Longtalljosie So true. The best age for my Ds was when he started walking and talking. 4-10yrs is the absolute best. That reminds me I was a spinster Aunt to my sisters boys. My sister had her children when she was just 16 yrs & 18yrs. Nephews are now in their 20's & fine I had my Ds at 41 yrs. Neither of us had kids during the 'normal' phase.
LittleAmy Do you have any brothers or sisters maybe close cousins that could chip in?

how are you this morning LittleAmy? Hope you are not too horribly hung over.

Hi LittleAmy,

I hope you're feeling better this morning. Just wanted to reply to your comment about DD getting upset when you argue - it's the noise. DS was 6 months old during the world cup - when England scored and DH cheered, DS screamed the place down and looked terrified. They just don't like loud noises, and if you're holding her, she'll feel the tension from you.

It's normal to want to get your hair done. Seriously, you can't go 5 years before you have your hair cut or have a wax. If this was the first time your DH was left alone with your DD then it will have been stressful for him, but actually, it would be more selfish of you to withold your DD from her father - little girls should get on well with their Daddy. It will be easier next time.

So get on to the hairdressers tomorrow when they open and make your return appointment for 6 weeks time.

I agree with the others regarding a routine, I found it was easier for me, but also DH - I could write out for DH times and what needed to be done, so if DS was getting stroppy, he could see that it was time for milk, or time for a sleep etc. Made it easier for him to be in charge without contacting me.

And of course, rather unfortunately, the hairdressers I go to is in a location where I can never get a mobile signal...

Yes, 'forget' your phone the next time you get out without dd.

I had pnd as well, I think it was lustral I was on, don't know the generic name.

Can you talk to your dh and tell him how desperately difficult you are finding things and please try and speak to a different GP, that one sounds shocking!

It is very hard at the start and no-one tells you, I also thought my baby would be better off adopted, but guess what, im not perfect but im still his mum and we've both survived nearly 6 years later.

And I know others may not agree, but I found breastfeeding very stressful and wasn't very good at it, because of the effect it was having on me, hv recommended I bottle fed ds and tbh it relieved a lot of stress for me. I know its a very personnal decision, but just a thought.

I'm big into breastfeeding, but if it was making my life hell I'd stop. At the end of the day your baby needs nourishment and formula provides that. I remember being told the first 13 weeks (God knows why) were the most important in breastfeeding.

Hi
Lots of people have posted lots of helpful and supportive messages.
Having a young baby is hard work as you know but things verrry slowly start to get better as baby becomes more independent of you.
Talk to your DH about how you feel. Talk to your HV about referring you to Home-startSo that you can have couple of hours break once a week. I have a homestart volunteer and she is wonderful and the break is nice too.
I really feel for you and Sort of know how you feel about the isolation. I wish I could help you more. Please talk to someone and I would change you G.P he sounds not very useful.
please take care of yourself sneak off and have a bath when Baby is asleep or just do something for you no matter how trivial it seems.