I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

wildcat,what an empathic sensible post.op do see gp and if you cant face going get a home visit.wishing you all the best at a really bleak time

this can get better with support and medication

LittleAmy I haven't read the whole thread as I am popping over from Lelarose's thread in mental health, Balloon Slayer thought I should tell you my having a baby is like going to sea story, I'll see if I can copy and paste:

Having a baby is like going to sea for the first time. You've fantasised about the cocktails you will sip as you lounge on the deck in the sunshine. You think it's going to be fabulous and you are desperate to get going. As soon as you're out the harbour (which was as far as you could see before you set out) a storm blows up. Only because you've never been to sea before you don't realise this is one of the worst storm, if not the worst storm you will ever have to survive and once you've survived it you can survive anything. Because you've never been to sea before, you think this is what it is like all the time and you were a bloody idiot to have wanted to go to sea in the first place, an idiot to have dreamt of cocktails on the deck, this is the biggest mistake you have ever made. So all you can do lash yourself to the helm or whatever it's called and just try to stay there. People will probably tell you you're doing well. You think "how can I be doing well, I'm just lashed to the boat and staying on?, what about the sunbathing and the cocktails, I'm such a fool to have thought I could do this and I'd enjoy it."

Then the day comes that the storm is over. Out of the blue it dies down and the sun shines and you realise that, actually, you might enjoy this, you can do it. You look back and realise that when everyone told you you were doing well, they were right and all you had to do was come through the storm in one piece, and it was the worst storm you will ever experience.

Pretty much everyone feels like this at some point, for me it wasn't right away it was at about three months, you are not alone and it is okay to feel like this,

It won't always be like this. When I was low I left DS in a safe place and went upstairs and rang the HV team. I was determined not to suffer in silence. I was on the phone for a while to a HV, baby cried. He was fine though. Three months was my absolute rock bottom and there were a few days I just lived through and then went to bed as soon as DS had. Then a bit later DS laughed for the first time. He was and is a stubborn child and the more he could do for himself the happier he got and the more fun to be with, I would say from 5 months it all starts getting miles more fun.

I felt close to telling DH we might as well go our separate ways. He has got more supportive in increments with some rages and tears from me and some calm chats as well.

You will get your life, your looks and your intelligence back. It only gets easier from here on in, you're just weathering the storm right now.

that was a brilliant analogy pumpkinmousse.

And then most of us forget how bad the storm was at first because of the pleasures the first child brings as it grows up and we go and it all over again

LittleAmy, we're worried about you - please come back and talk to us.

Sorry for the huge delay everyone. I've not had any internet (bloody BT!)

I managed to get to the baby group on Wednesday. I can't remember getting there (!) but I can remember being there. I managed to put a nice outfit on DD and get myself dressed and even put some makeup on. It was hard work to keep the tears back. All the other mothers were comparing their babies weights and when they asked what DDs weight was you could see the shock on their faces (and I had added an extra few ounces!) I managed to keep my head up and act with dignity but I was balancing on the edge of crying. God knows how I managed to prevent the tears. I had a good cry on the way home though.

Thursday was better. DH dropped me off at a breastfeeding support group that we had discovered. I admit I started crying when asking for help (in front of EVERYONE) but people flocked to me. The HV at the group has been the first HCP to look at DDs length. She then weighed DD again. Turns out that DD is petite in length as well as weight. Which makes perfect sense as I am only 5ft and my whole family (even the men!) are small. The breastfeeding group HV said that she wouldn't advise topping up with formula as I'm doing nothing wrong. She is going to weigh DD again this week. I made sure this breasfeeding HV phoned my HV and told her that she was satisfied with DDs progress. Hopefully now my HV will BACK OFF.

I started my antidepressants this weekend. I feel a bit sickly but nothing serious.

I really, really wish I had not contacted my HV last week :( I don't want to see her again but she is coming next week. DH and I have told her that I do not want her to see me without DH present.

Do I have any rights to tell the HV that I don't want to any HV to visit anymore? Someone coming into my home with threats of "child services" and bullying me to top-up with formula are things I just do not need.

Northumberlandlass and SparklePffftBANG would you be interested in a group meet?

thanks for the offer Witchcat. Please message me your phone number :)

pumpkinmousse - thanks for that! I'll remember it

LittleAmy, you are sounding so much better. Well done for biting the bullet and getting out. It sounds like your DH is being more supportive as well.

I think you would be well within your rights to request a different HV as there is clearly a clash of ideologies with your current one. I don't know how they would take it if you refused any HV. Anyhow, mine has been nothing but supportive - sounds like the one at your b/f group is too - so they're not all bad.

I'm really glad your DD is doing OK. You should be really proud of yourself. It can only get easier from here -honestly!

LittleAmy, great to hear from you

I'm so glad you've managed to find yourself some support on the breastfeeding. It must be a huge relief for you to finally get some positive feedback on all the hardwork you're putting in.

Glad to hear the antidepressants aren't too bad on the nausea front, hopefully it will settle quickly for you this time.

As to the HV, I'm really not sure, I've only ever had one HV visit and DS just turned 4! I'm sure they can't object though if you ask for an appointment where you DH can be there.

Just skimmed your post and wanted to add my support. My DS1 went from 25% to 4th (from birth to about 3 months) and (bullying) HV referred me to GP who said HV was being ridiculous and it was obvious from looking at my son that he was healthy and happy.

I was also depressed and bullying HV made it worse by saying things like he will be delayed in smiling and at risk of mental illness because of me ........ Think this HV was sacked in the end. She also told me he would probably be a diabetic dyslexic (at 10 days old!) due to family history.

I gave up bf at 4 months but it made no difference at all to his weight. He is now a very happy, heathy, slim but not too slim 6 yr old.

When I had ds2, I told HV on her first visit that I didnt want to see a HV due to my previous experience. She was v understanding and that was the last time I saw her. I has SIL who is a social worker standing by to
support me in case!

I would recommend seeing the HV at the breast feeding group regularly. You may be able to discuss your other fears in the confidence that she won't blame bf.

Hope things get brighter soon

Amy, that's great news, thanks for checking back in. The breastfeeding group sounds wonderful - and, hey, look, you made yourself honest and vulnerable in front of strangers, and they flocked to you!

I think that at this age (your daughter's, not yours) the difference in weight along various percentiles seems significant to us because we're all obsessed about our children. I have a friend whose boy is 2 days older than my girl, and hers is 95% and mine is 50% - and even two years on, it always startles me if she mentions how much he weighs/what size clothes he's in. He's lovely and healthy and happy, as is mine, I just sort of think of babies as One Size Fits All, and then hers weighs SO much more than mine, it reminds me I'm wrong.

That might not make sense, but all I mean is that the group looking shocked at your daughter's weight a) might not have been, and b) don't know any better than you do, they've all got skewed hormonal sleep deprived reactions going on as well, is all.

LittleAmy I have been following your story on here and I think you are doing brilliantly.

A couple of things that occurred to me:

Firstly - if your HV was that concerned about you, and was seriously considering referring you to children's services, she would not leave it two weeks between visits.

The other thing is about feeling the HV was bullying you into FF. Hope I can put this across right . . . do you ever find yourself wishing that you were someone who didn't think BF was better than FF? Do you wish that the thought of FF didn't bother you and make you feel guilty? It may be that the HV is trying to be bossy about it to try to remove that guilt feeling, so that you can "blame" her if you add in a formula feed - "I didn't want to do it but the HV nagged me into it" sort of thing. Mind you she probably just IS a bossy old cow

Sorry I have not read all the posts, but I just wanted to say that not all babies will follow the weight charts. My dd2 never kept up with the chart and went from above the 50% to bellow the 9% . She is now a happy 18month old and is developing fine.
She always always fed ok and I had a suportive HV so I never tried topping up. I dont think it would have made any diffeance to her growth, She is just going to be quite small. Not a big supprise as I'm only 5'2".

What fab news. Really please that you have found some RL support.
You sound like a new person so hope that keeps up.
As you can tell by the amount of people waiting for your return, we are all here if you need any more support on MN.

Just checking in to see how you're doing, so glad to hear things have looked up, the breastfeeding group sounds great. And what homeboys said about the HV - if you make it clear you're seeing the breastfeeding HV and getting support regularly, I can't see there would be any problem with seeing 'your' HV the bare minimum (just reviews and jabs maybe?). You could ask at your GP's if it's possible to officially switch (eg there are 2 at our practice and it is in theory possible to change between them if there is a problem I think) but even if there is only the one 'official' one you don't need to see her often as long as you are getting regular support from elsewhere.

And you should feel very proud of yourself for having taken the steps that you have done to get help you have done the right thing for yourself and your daughter at a really difficult point.

Well done LittleAmy :)

Was reading this the other day, so glad things seem to be getting better.

Good news, hope things continue to improve, but don't hesitate to post again regardless :)

Great news. Really chuffed for you :)

Sorry for bumping this up. But I thought it was polite to reply to people.

Thanks for your replies and concern.

I still haven't given any formula to DD and I'm quite proud about that.

"Do you wish that the thought of FF didn't bother you and make you feel guilty?"

Yes I've often thought that. It would be a lot more convenient to FF. It would benefit "me" greatly, but it wouldn't benefit DD in any way.

Although I don't think the HV was trying to rid me of guilt. She name-dropped a brand when she told me how she topped up with formula herself (!) and she also dished out false advice saying how DD has dropped 1.5 centiles based on her BIRTH weight which is totally wrong. I attended a breastfeeding group last Thursday and the HV there correctly said that you should look at the centile the baby was on at 8 WEEKS and judge any drop from that point. The HV at the breastfeeding group was not concerned by DDs weight in any way. She's the only person who has bothered to look at me (standing at 5ft tall) and then measure DD and put two and two together = DD is just petite like her family.

I'm very angry with the HVs bullying ways. I plan to make a list of bones to pick with her when she visits on Monday. Is this wise? I really want to stand up for myself. Or if I do, will she make my life even more hell?

As you guys know, I started the anti-depressants but after just the first one I had a TERRIBLE night of insomnia :( DD slept very well but I was up all night, with my mind racing. I was a wreck the next day so I have stopped taking them and I now sleep well again. I'm going to have to defend this choice on Monday. It probably looks as though I'm not "helping myself", but could you cope with zero sleep and then look after a 3 month old? I literally could not get even 30 minutes sleep after taking the anti-depressants.

LittleAMy - your post today sounds so much more calm, you seem to have turned a corner, i think just having that small amount of professional help through the BF support group HV has restored some confidence in you as a parent. I personally wouldn't bother with listed the problems with the useless health visitor, i've found HV to be totally hit and miss. Stick with the advice from the BF HV and perhaps tell the other HV that you are seeing her.

Hi, LA. Part of me thinks you should just ignore the doorbell be out when the HV comes on Monday. Or call today and cancel on some made-up grounds, say you'll reschedule when you know your plans, and then just never get around to it.

AFAIK it's not imperative for anyone to accept HV visits, and I think people miss appts all the time, so it won't be the end of the world.

You are in contact with another HV now and that ought to be sufficient. The one you've got coming back on Monday doesn't sound like she's much use to you or DD.

I can imagine, though, that you might feel it would be more satisfying to see her and tell her your thoughts, and put your case calmly to her. I'm just thinking it might turn out to be like talking to a brick wall and you might be better off without having to think about her again -- you have enough on your plate!

Good luck either way.

Hi LittleAmy!!
I think you need to persevere a bit with the anti depressants (just my opinion!!) or perhaps ask your GP for another brand?
It took me a good two weeks of mad dreams, weird sleep patterns and some mood swings before I felt right like my old self again.
Your HV sounds like a reet old cow. Can you ask to see another one? If "they" ask why, you could say you'd like a HV more pro-breastfeeding.
I'm in Northumberland if you ever want to meet up!

Thanks everyone.

Can I ask your advice about poo?

DD goes a long time between poos (once she went 12 days!) and when she poos it is dark green-brownish.

What does this mean?