I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

No I completely agree. I think you should agree with a referral to a paed. Who will hopefully say nothing is wrong!

Did you give birth in hospital? I know you said you have a fear of hospitals but is that just staying in hospital or going into them at all?

LittleAmy No, my HV NEVER ever spoke about getting social services or anyone else involved. I had a very supportive breastfeeding counsellor at the hospital I gave birth at. She spoke to me for ages (over several days) and she was concerned enough about my mental state to call my local HV team to get them out to come and see me. They did and the HV that came out was very nice. I gave formula in the end (I have a medical condition that messes up my fertility and also the hormones that deal with BFing and they concluded that could have been affecting my supply) when DS1 was 6 weeks old. With DS2, I BF for a week and had the same issues again. I did not hesitate to give him formula as I was not keen to repeat those dark first few days with DS1 again. This time, I did not suffer the guilt of not BF-ing DS2 as I know then that being a mother is so, so much more than just feeding. But I do get a pang of envy when I see mothers BF-ing with ease as for me, BF was always associated with unhappiness. Please get all the support you can get but don't feel you have to do one thing or the other. Your DD will thrive and one day you will look back at all these and wonder why you were so worried...

littleamy in answer to your question about PND and the effect on babies, I was talking generally not about you specifically, and I was answering sungirltan who was sceptical about mental health being assessed in a baby.

I am not saying at all you are damaging your baby.

The research is clear that untreated PND does affect babies - babies can be protected to some extent by other people close to them being in good mental health, and babies do recover when the mother's illness is treated.

It's got nothing to do with babies' memories, by the way. Of course your baby won't remember these days, but again, speaking generally only, babies are affected by things that happen in their early lives.

This is not to scare you, but just to say you are doing the right thing in exploring treatment and support to enable you to be happier. Treatment for perinatal mental health problems is very effective.

Sorry you are having such a dreadful time littleamy. What about any friends you met at NCT or antenatal classes, couldn't talking to them help?

LittleAmy, I have a buggy that you can have if you like, its a bit pink but is in perfect condition and is really lightweight, I only got it to shove in the boot of my little car rather than messing about with the big one but I have hardly used it. It would be perfect for nipping on and off the bus

LittleAmy, I'm sorry if this has been covered -- I have followed the thread, but may have missed it.

You say in your OP that you have no friends. Is that literally true? Did you have no friends before your pregnancy?

I'm just asking because most people have at least one friend, and although I can understand your not wanting to talk openly to the baby group mothers (I couldn't be arsed with that either), I am surprised at you having literally nobody in your life who is an older friend and more likely to really listen sympathetically.

If you really have no friends at all, how did you get the idea that your usual confident laid-back "public face" is more attractive to people, as you have said? Maybe it really isn't, and maybe being your real self is worth a shot after all?

The reason I'm being forceful about the tablets is that if your HV does get other people involved, they will want to see you are being proactive in your recovery. But that said, Saturday's not the end of the world. It does potentially put the light a little further from the end of the tunnel though.

If your DD's nappies are heavy, that's very encouraging.

Childcare vouchers - see here

How was your group today?

RE the virgin gut. I have also read that you can re-establish the virgin gut with a few weeks EBF - if I'm honest that was a driver for me, along with perfectionsim I've mentioned before. But what I was trying to get at is that if your baby is one that might be sensitised by giving formula - and as Tiktok said this is only likely to apply to a few - well, you've given it already. I'm not an expert by any means, but I doubt that can be undone. This is not to make you feel bad LittleAmy, just to make sure that you are not struggling to continue EBF for this reason alone. There are many many other reasons of course, but not to the detriment of your own wellbeing.

I am really struggling to word these posts so as not to make you feel worse. Just to reiterate again, I have been where you are now. If you want to message me please don't hesitate.

This was me when I was becoming more lucid.

One other thing (sorry!). Can I ask how old your DD was when you started formula top ups?

LittleAmy, how are you today?

My dd lost so much weight. The health visitor left it only a week to see me not 2 which makes me think that they think you can do it and they are not too worried. I refused to use formula and eventually dd started taking enough. She would only feed for a couple of minutes before she fell asleep. Eventually it increased to ten minutes and then 20 minutes. I cried a lot about it and felt such a failure. DD is now 11 months. She was bf exclusively for 6 months and is still breastfeeding. I plan to stop at a year. Be strong and do what you feel is best for you. You can get through this. Much love and prayer x

LittleAmy, my offer of a cuppa is still there.

xx

yes, and me, if you can cope with two of us :o

You really should take them up on the offer x

hey littleamy - sorry for delayed reply - dh back from his oil rig so been out and about.

righty ho. the this with the long nipples was because i have friend who suffered poor weight gain with one of her ds when she was ebf. it was a comlicated problem about her ds attachment producing lots of the liquid bm but not enough of the fatty stuff. the solution that her bf counsellor gave her (after diagnosing it with the long nipples which 'looked like lipsticks' her words) was to express off some of the thinner bm prior to each feed - yes lots of hassle and took a bit of dedication. what i'm trying to explain is that sometimes the weight gain issue can have quite a complicated reason which sometimes only skilled bf specialists can solve. if you found either a bf peer supporter or a latch on group they can assess you like this and you never know, they might say 'ohhhh, you have a slight problem with xyz and what you need to do is la la la'. this porcess might really help and would make you feel super empowered about the bf :-) bollocks to the hv pshing formula - it is not a solution imo unless a specialist says so. again my love, equip yourself with knowledge - makes us stronger.

what you said about full boobs in the am but not in the evening sounds quite normal though - we produce the most milk in the morning - best time to express if you can.

re the hv talking about child services i am not going to lie - she means ss. however, an assessment from a sw is not the end of the world and i outlined earlier what might happen. its just as likely that a sw will turn up and assess you as not being in need/or dd. i wil say this though, if this situation goes that way you MUST engage with treatment for depression as not doing so elevates your risk in the eyes of ss.

aounds to me as if not being able to get the pram on the bus might be making you feel more isolated. again agreeing with other posters - what about a sling? lots on ebay second hand or you might find one in the local paper. if money is tight this might be a really good investment especially if its the difference between you being really isolated and not iyswim.

lastly - my dd was 25th centile at birth and for quite a while afterward - nothing wrong with that shes a bouncing one year old now who was never ill until i stopped bf at 12 months :-(

ps you sound like you might enjoy a book called The Politics of Breastfeeding. it is the most righteous pro bf book ever i love it. BUT i think you need some social support with bf - i think you are doing a great job - bf is effing hard work and all that but sitting around with other mums talking about ebf without having to pretend to be ok about ff is really good fun :-)

(btw i am a sw - i can explain in more detail about interventions and referrals etc if need be)

oops forgot about the nappies - wet means evidence the baby has wee'd. i forgot we used terries when dd was little and when they are wet they are sopping - as opposed to disposeables which even when full they are only slight;y damp to the touch xx

la leche league tyne and wear

LittleAmy whereabouts are you?

LittleAmy?

How are you LittleAmy?

"how often should i change DD? I do so approx every 4 hours as that is when she feeds (longer through the night as dont want to disturb her)."

I was trying to get back to sleep this morning when I suddenly remembered this statement. Amy - is your DD in a four-hour routine, or are you feeding on demand? It sounds like you've had poor advice in a lot of areas so wonder if someone's told you to feed 4-hourly? Particularly if your DD's not gaining as much as you'd like, on demand's the way to go.

I also noticed an unanswered question re. alcohol and breastfeeding - the rule of thumb is, if you're safe to drive, you're safe to breastfeed. That's certainly what my NCT bf workshop lady said, anyway.

Wow I couuld have written this.

There is loads of things i want to say but first off you have not ruined your life you have PND. You will get better.

I felt the same everything you have said is so ture of me. I have a degree, a good marrage a house i wanted my baby but when he was here i just feel apart. I did not know how to care for him, i couldnt think stright and because i was so scared of not knowing what to do i got angry and shouted at DH. I told everyone in my family i could not cope but no one helped me. It got so bad that i wanted to hurt my baby and that i hurt my DH and i filled for devoice and i give my baby to my DH and left. I see my HV and cried for 3 hours explaining everything i felt and everything i thought about me and my baby.

I was bf, i had no family or friend, i hated my inlaws and the only person i see was DH who i shouted at. I had trouble even going for a wee, i did need have shower as i had to watch my baby!

I had tablet, i found out what PND was, i had counciling and social service can out to see me and they paid and still paying for my lo to do 2 afternoons at nursary thios gives me a break and i get to clean my house and do all the things that make me me.

SS are there to help thats it. My HV told me that not one baby was taken away from a mother that had PND. You can look after your child but this needs to be learned. Everyone needs to learn its just that with PND it just takes a little longer.

I think i spent 15 months sitting in my livingroom with just my DS and no one else but now i have lost weight, i'm getting out, i am myself i just have a child now.

I love my son we go swimming, shopping, playgroup soft play and i meet and talk to other mums. I have made new friends and life with my DS is great. You will get to this point, it will not be like it feels now forever.

Please do not be scared of getting help.

If you would like to call me for a chat please send me a message and i will send you my phone number - you can call me day or night.

I have just read the OP, but I wanted to say that I have felt how you do.
What helped me was being respected and listened to. It sounds like the HV is not really doing that and is therefore not doing her job properly.
The way you feel is directly connected to the way modern society expects women to cope with little or no practical or emotional help from the wider community. In other words, feeling depressed in unbearable circumstances is normal. Feeling chipper and chirpy when things are less than perfect is a real sign of madness. So you are simply reacting normally to your circumstances.

I would definitely carry on breastfeeding because the hormones released into your bloodstream when the milk comes in have been known to alleviate PND and they are also very calming, for you and the baby.

Some people say seek help, but it depends on the person. I did NOT want people snooping in the ins and outs of my feelings and I used sites like MN to talk my way through how I felt. YOu need to talk to somebody but I don't think you need to get professional help unless you absolutely want to. Being coerced or pressured into seeking help is the opposite of being respected and listened to.

Finally, it does get easier and better, believe me. The lack of sleep is a big part of it and as babies get older they become more independant and you get your life back. Personally I think women who feel overwhelmed by the needs of their baby are acutely in tune with the baby's needs. Their needs are overhwelming and it takes an emotionally mature mother to recognise this.