I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

you could always make a double appointment, one for yourself and one for dd, and ask the GP about the weight issues.
It's very much luck of the draw what a GP is like, but the ones in our practice are clued up on breastfeeding.
IME also HVs tend to play safe and worry unnecessarily; GPs are more likely to have the confidence to say not to worry.

SPB - the HV seems obsessed with the charts. DD has dropped 1.5 percentile since her birth. So HV is convinced that she needs top-ups of formula. But formula top-ups actually interfere with BFing by reducing supply. Is HV just trying to cover her own back instead of looking at our individual case on its merits?

If DD drops another 0.5 percentile then she will have to be referred to a paediatrician. You would not believe all the things I have done to boost my milk supply :( It seemed to have worked, or so I thought.

Please don't wait. Side effects are not so bad that you can't take the tablets without your h there.

exactly
She needs to justify recommeding formula
If you have supply issues (doubtful), then, as you rightly say, formula is not the answer

Thanks SPB. What is her true agenda pushing recommending formula?

If I were being cynical I'd say she's ticked you off as feeding at 6 weeks and now she's going for the easy way out

The 'child services' she mentioned are likely to be the 'child and adolescent mental health services' which may well treat mothers and babies together when there are mental health issues - this is normal, academically respectable and potentially very helpful. If this is the case, then do think about accepting this offer - when mothers are depressed, it does affect babies, but it does not have to affect them permanently, if help is taken at the right time. Hope you'll consider this.

A drop of 1.5 centiles is well within normal limits. I really don't know what the issue is here. No one who knows their job would think this is a reason to give formula - however, she may be considering the whole picture and suggesting formula for some other reason.

Whatever - it is your choice.

SPB - I thought the NHS target was 6 months?

tiktok - Apparently if 2 percentiles are dropped a paediatrician must be seen? Apparently these are 'the rules'?

littleamy - who knows really - if she specifically said aptimil then ignore her.

however, did she say 'you must cease bf and give dd bottles this instant' OR did she say for you to 'CONSIDER' formula, which isn't unreasinable just a bit tactless.

right down to the science; i have just done all this on my breastfeeding peer suppport course THIS AFTERNOON!

the baby is getting enough milk if; you are getting 6 or above wet nappies a day (poo is a bit ambiguoys with bf babeis), there is a reasonable period between feeds, the baby is gaining weight, the baby is cheerful and alert and interested in non feeding things iyswim, the baby isn't crying all the time, you the mother instinctively feel that all is well with the baby.

i see your baby is gaining SOME weight BUT there MAY be a problem with attachement causing the weight gain to not be enough. ok i will explain but dont freak out and think you are doing something wrong please please please............

ok, calm? paying attention?

breast milk isn't just a case of volume being enough. the first stage of milk which the baby draws from the breast has a high water ocntent and is for hydration and thirst quenching, this is drawn out until the let down reflex is stimulated. the let down releases the much thicker, creamier stage of the milk which is the 'food' part (to over simplifiy but you get the idea) until near the end of the feed where you may notice the baby sort of 'flutters' her lips - she is taking in the the big globs of fattty milk. if the attachement isnt quite right the baby can take all the liquid but not get all the fat which can lead to poor weight gain. i only said CAN - doesn't make me right.

ok so when you are feeding dd do your breasts feel as if they have been really emptied at the end of the feed??

if they do then this is not the issue.

if they DO NOT, do your nipples come away from the baby all elongated?

Yes - this is a common rule, littleamy ....a drop of more than 2 percentile lines may mean a visit to the paed to check all is well. It almost always is. Your baby has not dropped this much, but 1.5 percentiles....well within normal, or have I misread you?

sungirltan - not quite right about the breasts needing to feel 'really emptied'...if your tutor is telling you this, then she's got it wrong :(

well what is the answer then? (tiktok)

Referring to a paed if she drops 2 centile lines isn't a judgement of failure, Amy, it's just a protocol to make sure they catch the few cases where there is an underlying reason baby isn't gaining weight - that is, a reason to do with the baby's health, not a judgement on the mother's feeding. And most of the time there is nothing wrong, it's a to-be-on-the-safe-side sort of thing.

My boy went from 96th to 50th centile - and I had an oversupply problem!

meanwhile not sure why you would be referred to CAMHS. no one is going to assess the mental health of a 3 month old.

if the mother's mental health is of concern it will be a straight forward referral to children's services who will come and do an assessment as to whether the child is being adequately cared for and whether it is at risk. if the risk is mild they will most likely refer you to outreach services through your local children's centre (groups, befriending schemes etc) and organisations such as homestart or the local equivalent. you may end up with a fmaily support worker to come and see you at home and help you a bit. the social worker will encourage you to seek help via your gp with mental health issues and may talk thorugh with you what is available locally.

my dd has been on at least 3 different centiles.

My DD was on the 75th centile and is now just above the 50th, thats a drop of 25 and nobody has said anything!

No, it's dropping two centile chunks - if you look on the charts, the centiles are divided into chunks by lines, and if the baby drops across 2 of those lines that's when they refer, I think - sorry not sure what the correct terminology is here!

sungirltan - child and adolescent mental health services do deal with infant mental health in some areas and this does indeed include treating mothers with PND and other disorders alongside their babies. They are seen as a pair because the long-term effects of untreated perinatal mental illness in the mother on the baby can be severe and can show in young babies. Yes, the mental health of a young baby can be assessed.

To answer the other question: Breasts don't need to feel 'really emptied' at each feed - of course the mother may well be aware of the breasts being emptier than they were (though with well-established bf this may not be very apparent - that's ok). But there is no need to have this total emptying, and a lot of problems are caused by women thinking the baby should continue feeding until they (the mother) cannot squeeze another drop, and worrying that this never actually happens...and they think the baby is underfed as a result.

Hope that helps :)

systemsaddict - yes you're right. The correct terminology is 'centile line' and it refers to the lines on the chart, not the actual centiles/percentiles which are only 100th each!

I see the thread has moved on but I just wanted to say to the OP that I could have written every word of your post. It didn't feel like I would ever be happy or love my DS the way I should. I thought that I'd ruined my life and nothing would ever be good again. I was wrong though. Every month it got a little bit better.

It's a bitter pill to swallow when you realise - too late - that motherhood isn't like the rose tinted picture you had in your mind. You'll grow to love your little girl so much that if you could have your time again you wouldn't even dream of not having her.

I'm not sure I've expressed that very well. Hang on in there though (and do whatever you can to make your day to day life easier) because it does get better.

LittleAmy Been following your thread and just wanted to give you some support. I feel like you some days and I have TWO boys! DS1 is 2.8 and DS2 is 1 in two days. Sometimes I think I am a sucker for punishment. We had such a hard time with DS1 when he was born. I remember the shock of becoming a mother, I was in my night gown crying everyday cos DS1 was such an unhappy baby and my attempted to EBF failed miserably. I tried everything, I really did - I even tried exclusively pumping and I can tell you hand on heart that nothing is more soul destroying than waking up at 3am in the morning just to pump. But I wanted DS1 to have a sibling and there is no way I would put myself through the first year of a baby's life ever again, my family is complete.

I had such an awful day last Wednesday. I was in tears all day and shouted at DS1 all day long. I felt I was going mad. I told DH when he got home that I need to go back to work (Ha ha, great one to come up with when my P45 just came through after I took voluntary redundancy). I love my boys to death and will die for them but some days, I wish for my old life back where I could by selfish and do something just for me... You really are not alone in feeling the way you do.

Talking about percentiles... my DS2 suffers from reflux and is the teeniest weeniest baby you could meet. He was born above the 25% line and at almost a year old, he is not even 8kgs and is on the 0.4-2% line... But he just started to walk and a really smiley and gorgeous baby so weight really isn't everything! (And he is formula fed from birth! )

titktok - re the empty boobs - thats not quite what i meant but i appreciate your info - i am still on the course - just a learner but saddened that the HV isn't really assessing the qulaity of the bfing.

re camhs. ok possible, though not down here but that would be a refferal made either by a gp or a sw. a hv will not refer directly to services i woldn't have thought. to the best of my knowledge they just refer to ss. i don't see how ss can be circumvented in this situation.

Amy,

I say this with love and my unending support: grow a pair.

Yes, it's hard because you're depressed. Yes, it all feels like climbing a mountain. But stop being so passive and take control of your situation. You can either be a passenger here or a driver.

So your HV is talking about a paediatrician to look at your DD? Goodo. It sounds like she's obsessed with formula, so it would be good to get a second opinion.

You need people to talk to about breastfeeding. They will be out there. You're on the internet so find one and go. You should be getting out of the house more anyway. Knowledge is power, as a previous poster has suggested.

Start your anti-Ds this evening. They make you sick? Well that won't just be over the weekend, even if you do take your first on Saturday. You're putting off taking them and every minute you delay you're further from getting better. And in the mean time, while your depression goes untreated, you're instead being referred to mental health services.

Exclusive breastfeeding is a marvellous thing but taking your anti-Ds would be on a par with this (at least) in terms of putting your DD first.

Stop making excuses, and start making plans. You are going to dig your way out of this. Starting now.

What are you going to do next Amy?