I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

the LA on her previous thread and the LA on this thread seem to be two different people. ie the LA of previous seemed to know what she was about and quite staunch in her views.

LA you really need to take some of the advice given on here. Very good and detailed advice on all of your problems. I really do sympathise, but you do need to act on some of this advice. You can't blame other people forever.

Funnys - please, you're being really hostile to someone who just doesn't need it. Could you just leave her alone, please?

why hostile LTJ ? You have just told her to get a grip

Okay, Funnys, you're narked (or rather, you were narked, and now you're just holding a grudge).

Are you mirroring the behaviour of "driving everyone away", which we are discussing in LittleAmy's current situation?

Whatever the reason, it is dysfunctional. Now, I am not going to f you off, as this could be, perversely, what you want. If you are having a problem of your own, would you consider your own thread, to talk it out, maybe in Off the Beaten Track, so it's not searchable?

LittleAmy, you see, it is harder to drive people away than you thought...

I might be way off beam here, LittleAmy, but I do think your depression might be playing a part in how you feel about EBF. I am speaking from experience, and one of the symptoms of PND is a tendency to completely obsess about things. Plus, you're a perfectionist which can only make this tendency worse. Now I am feeling much better and I have more perspective - I still care deeply about b/f but I do not have the irrational thoughts that I once did (I thought I would kill my baby by giving formula). I don't know if you are having similar thoughts or not, but just be aware that PND might be playing a part.

Regarding the child services, I really don't think the HV would be considering removing your DD if that's what you're worried about. I have admitted all sorts of stuff to my HV in the past - my fears of accidentally harming DD, the fact that I spent part of one night walking the streets with her, etc. The thing is that the fact I mentioned these things means that I know enough about what I'm doing and I am actually in control, despite how it sometimes feels. Because I haven't, and wouldn't ever harm her, I didn't get in the car that night, and the HV recognises that I am in control of my actions. It's clear that we are worried about our mental state precisely because we love our DCs and don't ever want to harm them. It's the people who don't admit these kinds of fears that are the ones they are most worried about. HTH.

gaelicsheep - I completely agree about the EBF.

LittleAmy - have you considered the possiblity that alcohol could be affecting your milk supply? I know this must be hard to face as BF and alcohol are the two things (you think) are holding you together, but please try to cut down on the vodka. It will only make things worse in the long run.

Also, try to follow longtalljosie's advice. I think her post makes a lot of sense!

Good luck to you!

sungirltan - thanks for all the info. What would constitute a "wet" as opposed to "just damp" nappy?

"ok so when you are feeding dd do your breasts feel as if they have been really emptied at the end of the feed??"

Yes they do. I can feel it happening as DD feeds. Then afterwards when she drools sometimes I can see the fatty milk blobs in her drool.

How long should she be feeding for at a time? Should I offer the other breast after she has drained the first one?

One thing I have noticed is that my boobs never seem to have time to fill up near the end of the day. They never get hard with milk in the evening. They only really get hard in the morning and in the middle of the night. I think this might be relevant to your 'breast emptying' question.

"do your nipples come away from the baby all elongated?"

Yes they do. Is that good?

tiktok - DD has dropped 1.5 percentiles so far. The HV is coming out in 2 weeks to weigh her again. If DD has dropped the further 0.5 we will see a paed. I have heard that paeds are quite pro-BF and will only reccommend formula in very severe cases. Would you say this was true? If this is true I would love to see a paed then maybe s/he can tell the HV to fuck off talking about formula. Then the HV and other 'professionals' can finally leave me alone in this regard. I'm tempted to ask to see a paed now.

systemsaddict - DD started on the 25th centile. Hardly big to start with :(

"the long-term effects of untreated perinatal mental illness in the mother on the baby can be severe and can show in young babies. "

Do you have any information on this? Cant believe I am damaging my DD. What can I do? :( DH says that DD wont remember any of this so its okay. I'd like some reputable links to show him.

"if the mother's mental health is of concern it will be a straight forward referral to children's services who will come and do an assessment as to whether the child is being adequately cared for and whether it is at risk."

So sungirltan - the HV thinks my DD is at risk?? Otherwise why would she mention/threaten child services? This is scaring the hell out of me. So basically I suppliment with formula or I am putting my child "at risk"? The HV said I was "obsessed with EBFing".

"I was in my night gown crying everyday cos DS1 was such an unhappy baby and my attempted to EBF failed miserably."

Did your HV ever threaten to call child services on you? Apparently crying in front of a child can damage them??

"nothing is more soul destroying than waking up at 3am in the morning just to pump."

I know :( I do it often.

"the HV isn't really assessing the qulaity of the bfing."

Exactily. And I BF infront of her yesterday. She didn't even bother to look.

Longtalljosie - you say i need to get out more AND you say i should take my pills now. But if i take the pills now and they make me ill then i wont be able to attend the baby group i have planned for today and the baby massage course i am booked on for tomorrow. so rather than wait until the weekend you want me to take my pills now and risk not being able to go out the house this week?? if i do not take my pills now im "not helping myself"??

gaelicsheep - re: EBF, I researched "the virgin gut" recently (after seeing it mentioned on MN!) and it made me realise how important it is to EBF. The research revealed that "even one bottle of formula is too much" (the words of the research, not mine). Up until I read that DD was getting a top up of formula each night. Once I had done the virgin gut research I completely cut out all formula. I went on Fenugreek and pumped and fed around the clock.

Re: my depression. I've always suffered from depression since I can remember (I've tried various anti-Ds over the years). But this is the worst it has ever been. AND I've got the extra guilt that my depression is HARMING my DD.

"have you considered the possiblity that alcohol could be affecting your milk supply?"

I only started with the alcohol this week. So it can't be that. I haven't been a big drinker up till now.

LA, if you've been depressed before and gotten through it, then you know you can do it again.

What worked for you through the other episodes?

Re the anti depressants, when you talk about being sick, do you mean the nausea? I've had some that make me nauseas in the first few weeks and others that haven't. Can you try these ones your GP has prescribed and see how they go? You can always go back and get them changed if they're making you so ill you can't leave the house.

I know that you've mentioned you've had counselling before, what kind did you have, did it help? Is there a way you could get back into a course of CBT that would provide you with specific coping mechanisms for what you're going through now?

Sorry, lots of questions but glad you're back and still posting.

my mental health is really low. im getting to a very bad place, especially as everything i seem to do is wrong and in some circumstances even damaging DD :( I feel that ive been fighting to give her the best nutrition for almost 4 months now but i dont have much fight left in me :( im in a really bad place.

i want people to give me a brake and tell me im doing a good job.

i honestly thought EBF was a good job. its supposed to be "the best". but the HV seems to be pinning all my depression on EBM and hints that formula would be the answer to all my problems :( i know this is untrue. She is obsessed with the chart and convinced that my desire to EBF is damaging DD. I want to scream.

Most people give up EBF. And i didnt want to be "most people". I have the strength to carry on EBF if only people will LET me.

But obviously I cant risk loosing DD.

Amy - I am on your side. Don't get angry. I've scanned this thread to see if there's an answer to this so apologies if you've gone into this - but all I can find on it is you saying quite early on "pills make me ill". All pills? How ill are we talking here?

I think it's excellent you've got stuff to do today and tomorrow.

Re nursery and my earlier post - is your DH a higher rate taxpayer? He needs to register for childcare vouchers now while he's able to claim the full amount. They're offset against tax, so he'll gain far more in vouchers than he loses in pay. It's not too early - my DH and I were stashing them away from around 12 weeksish

Oh - and you are doing a good job with the breastfeeding.

Did anyone answer your question on wet v damp nappies? Are they heavy? If you dropped them to the floor, would there be a little thump?

Oh LittleAmy, you might not want to hear this but you are sounding exactly like I did. I too was giving one bottle of formula in the night to DD - it sved my sanity actually - but I was very worried about the loss of her virgin gut and I was really angry with myself for not achieving the holy grail of EBF for 6 months. So I did go back to EBF BUT - and this is crucial - I did it when I was physically and emotionally ready for it. PLUS I had a very supportive HV and a very helpful DH.

You definitely won't want to hear this but I'm going to say it anyway. The whole point of the virgin gut theory is that one bottle of formula may change the gut environment so that the baby becomes more susceptible to allergies. Your DD (and mine) has had formula already, so the "damage", if any, has been done already. I had to acknowledge and accept this - having accepted it my reason for returning to EBF was mostly the desire to be able to do it, as simple as that.

Glad to hear that you have things planned for today and tomorrow.
Have a go at being the real you to people and say how you realy feel, see how it goes.

yes WB I mean nausea, hence why ive decided to wait till a day when DH is around before i take them. So that someone is there to care for DD if i get sick. i thought this was RESPONSIBLE but apparently not.

"I know that you've mentioned you've had counselling before, what kind did you have, did it help? Is there a way you could get back into a course of CBT that would provide you with specific coping mechanisms for what you're going through now?"

I know this sounds stupid but I dont drive and there are no local sessions. the closest sessions are a bus ride away and i am EBF with a huge pram that doesnt fit on a bus. this sounds stupid i know. it sounds like im actively sabotaging my recovery. but my brain focuses on practicalities such as this.

"my brain focuses on practicalities such as this"

It also puts up barriers. You could get a stroller on ebay or take your DD in a sling?

BTW, I am absolutely not saying you should give up EBF, not unless there are medical indicators that you should. It's terrific that you are so determined, it really is. I just want you to be aware of what might be happening. And be aware that, if you need to for whatever reason, giving formula will not harm your DD.

LA, of course you're doing a good job, you're doing an amazing job in the circumstances.

It's just that you could be still doing a good job and getting yourself better.

As far as know, with regards to damaging babies, it's untreated PND that causes the long term harm. You're still in the early days, though it might not feel like it and you've got the opportunity to make things different for your DD.

I know it's the hardest thing in the world to do when your mind is working against you like this, but what other option do you have?

You mentioned earlier on in the thread that you can't imagine the rest of life like this. Well the good news is, it really doesn't have to be. To change the future you need to start getting better and, for me, the starting point is the anti depressants. They won't solve your problems but they'll help you get to a place where you're ready to seek long term counselling. The end result, for me anyway, isn't that you'll get back to your old self, you'll find a whole new you, a happier, contented person who values and likes themselves. Now isn't that a journey worth taking? For yourself and your beautiful DD?

Don't worry about the counselling just yet, one step at a time.

Start the anti depressants and once your mood lifts you'll be able to see possibilities where now you can only see obstacles.

Longtalljosie - Anti-Ds in the past have made me ill. i haven't tried these ones yet though.

can you explain more about the childcare vouchers? do you have a link? i dont know what they are.

"Are they heavy?"

yes. how often should i change DD? I do so approx every 4 hours as that is when she feeds (longer through the night as dont want to disturb her).

"I had a very supportive HV"

how do i get one of those? :( ive been through 2 now and havent liked either. i thought the current 1 was ok until she started to bully me with formula.

"You definitely won't want to hear this but I'm going to say it anyway. The whole point of the virgin gut theory is that one bottle of formula may change the gut environment so that the baby becomes more susceptible to allergies. Your DD (and mine) has had formula already, so the "damage", if any, has been done already. I had to acknowledge and accept this - having accepted it my reason for returning to EBF was mostly the desire to be able to do it, as simple as that."

my research revealed that you can get the virgin gut "back" if you EBF for 3 weeks. or is my research wrong?

"Have a go at being the real you to people and say how you realy feel, see how it goes."

I'll be honest, I don't think I can do that. I don't like the fragile, weepy, depressive me. The confident front I put on is much more attractive. It seems to draw people in, whereas the weepy me repels people. Thats my experience.

I know im being weepy here and you're not running away but you can log off when you get sick of me. online is not as full-on as RL.

tiktok on the virgin gut hopefully she won't mind that I have linked to this.
However, you are saying that you want to continue to breastfeed, and you should be supported in this.
Could you call a breastfeeding counsellor to get some agreement that there is almost certainly nothing wrong with your supply and that your baby is thriving?

LittleAmy , so sorry you feel so low

Re. the pram/bus issue. We recently moved to the countryside and I don't drive so was in a panic about how I would get around. But it was fine - people are very helpful if they see you struggling with a pram and you will feel so much better for having achieved a bus journey successfully!. Would it be a possibility for you to ditch the pram and buy a lightweight pushchair? that's what I did and it did make it easier on the bus/train.

Also, please don't worry about EBF in public - I know it's hard at first but you get used to it really quickly and tbh I don't think most people even notice! I have to be honest and say I don't love doing it in public but just got on with it at the beginning and now she is 6 months she has formula in a sippy cup when we're out.

SPB - In that post tiktok spoke of "choice" but i feel as though my choice is being taken away via threats and scaremongering by the HV. How is this behaviour supposed to help me?