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Original poster

Please help but please don't judge me

166 replies

helplessmum · 07/09/2005 20:16

I'm a single mum and have a nearly 3 year old and I really can't cope. Please don't tell me I'm horrible but I hate being a mum and i really wish I could have her adopted, the only thing stopping me is the thought of trying to explain it when she grows up. I don't think i'm depressed, I'm happy enough with the rest of my life, I just can't handle being a mum.

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SleepySuzy · 07/09/2005 20:17

Can I have her? Where are you?

Katemum · 07/09/2005 20:18

what is it that you can't cope with? do you have any support or time to yourself at all?

RnB · 07/09/2005 20:18

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Original poster
helplessmum · 07/09/2005 20:20

I have a lot of family within 20 miles and they help as much as they can, which makes it sound even worse, and I do get the odd night out but I just hate the day to day looking after her, nothing I ever do seems good enough and every time something goes right it just goes wrong again later.

OP posts:
SleepySuzy · 07/09/2005 20:21

Who is telling you everything is wrong? Are you sure it really is?

Original poster
helplessmum · 07/09/2005 20:21

I just feel really stuck, I can't cope as it is but I couldn't cope with what everyone I know would think of me if I gave her up.

OP posts:
Mum2girls · 07/09/2005 20:21

Is nursery an option? She must be entitled to free places now she's 3 (am assuming you're in UK)

helsi · 07/09/2005 20:23

can you talk to the HV? They are there for you up to the age of 5 I think. They won't judge you - you won't be the only person to have felt like this.

Tessiebear · 07/09/2005 20:23

Do you love her???

Original poster
helplessmum · 07/09/2005 20:24

She goes to nursery all week because I work part time, so I don't even have to look after her that much, but I just find it so hard when i do. Every time she's ill or throws a tantrum or wants something I just feel stressed and useless

OP posts:
KBear · 07/09/2005 20:24

You sound over-wrought. Has it always been like this? Are you recently single. Talk to your friends and family, tell them you need a bit of support. Everyone will try and help you I'm sure.

Lay in bed tonight and imagine your life without your daughter. You won't be able to. Your life revolves around her and sometimes it is overwhelming and too much but sometimes it's wonderful.

Stay on here and chat and I guarantee you will feel better soon. I hope so.

SleepySuzy · 07/09/2005 20:25

I think you need to have some fun, both with and without your child.

Original poster
helplessmum · 07/09/2005 20:26

I can't talk to my HV, have had problems with her in the past when i've tried to get help with other things. I think i love her, I just don't know. And the horrible thing is I can imagine my life without her, I'd be free and do everything right instead of messing everything up

OP posts:
berolina · 07/09/2005 20:26

How were things at the beginning, after she was born?

Original poster
helplessmum · 07/09/2005 20:27

I can't talk to my HV, have had problems with her in the past when i've tried to get help with other things. I think i love her, I just don't know. And the horrible thing is I can imagine my life without her, I'd be free and do everything right instead of messing everything up

OP posts:
Katemum · 07/09/2005 20:27

What is it that you want to do that you feel that you can't do with her around?

helsi · 07/09/2005 20:27

when you found out you were pg how did you feel. what made you decide to keep her then?

Original poster
helplessmum · 07/09/2005 20:29

Just after she was born I just went through every day like a zombie and then just did what i thought i should but still felt like this. When I found out i was pg I had to keep her because I hate the idea of abortion.

if I didn't have her I'd go out in the evenings and see friends, and be able to go out on weekends all day without tantrums

OP posts:
morningpaper · 07/09/2005 20:30

Can you talk to your mum about this or another relative? Would they be prepared to 'foster' her for a while so that you could have time to think about things?

helsi · 07/09/2005 20:31

sorry this may sound patronising but how old are you? were you prepared for what pg and motherhood brought? why did you not do adoption when she was born.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. you really do need to talk to someone professional - not just for your sake but the little girls. She will love you unconditionally and so this has made me so sad.

essbee · 07/09/2005 20:31

Message withdrawn

Nightynight · 07/09/2005 20:33

hm
can you start by arranging babysitting at least one night a week?

Original poster
helplessmum · 07/09/2005 20:34

I've tried talking to my mum but she just treats it as though I'm a bit stressed at the moment and it'll work out in a day. And everyone says everything must be ok because 'you manage so well' as if just because I look after her ok everything must be fine

OP posts:
morningpaper · 07/09/2005 20:34

I have had some friends (a v young couple) just have their daughter adopted - she is 2. They have had her adopted by the mother's parents, so they are still part of her life. I don't mean to offer this as a solution - just that lots of people do feel like this and sometimes there are ways to stay involved but have a bit of space for yourself as well.

Nightynight · 07/09/2005 20:34

You can always talk to us .