Please help but please don't judge me

[helplessmum]

I'm a single mum and have a nearly 3 year old and I really can't cope. Please don't tell me I'm horrible but I hate being a mum and i really wish I could have her adopted, the only thing stopping me is the thought of trying to explain it when she grows up. I don't think i'm depressed, I'm happy enough with the rest of my life, I just can't handle being a mum.

But if it isn't OK, then you need to change something so that you feel better able to handle your life.

do you ever get out in the evenings?

Really think you need to talk this through with someone, what about asking your gp to refer you?

I'm sure you are not the only person to have felt like this. I agree you need to get some professional help and support, I just can't think how you can access it?

I hope someone else can point you in the right direction.

I feel dreadful for you feeling like this. I hope you manage to sort it out for both your sakes. I agree with Helsi that your little girl will love you unconditionally. She probably thinks you are absolutely wonderful, it's just that she's so small, she can't articulate what she feels. Is she affectionate towards you? Are you affectionate towards her?

I bet you're a great mum, it just doesn't sound like you are getting the support and reassurance you need?

Do any of your friends have children too?
Where have you got this idea that you're useless, that you can't do anything right? What is your daughter like with you? Try and think - are there any bits about being a mum you enjoy? What are the nice memories you have?
You do sound as if you might be depressed, and might have been from your dd's birth. Do go to your GP - what you tell them ia confidential. There is help.

I've always been on my own with her, her father's not involved with her at all. I'm 26. Could talk to gp, just don't want to be handed some pills and told to get on with it. I get out for the night every couple of months but then I hear everyone at work going out together nearly every night and feel so left out because then they practically ignore me. I try and find things to do with her but she gets bored easily and always wants to be doing things outside and its hardly ever good enough weather so we end up getting stressed with each other.

None of my female friends have got kids, a couple of my male friends have but their partners look after the kids and its a lot different. I've tried making friends with some people I know with kids but most of them have partners and they're all quite happy (and busy) doing mum things

OK, the bad weather is easily sorted, buy each of you a waterproof coat and wellies. It really does sound like you have lost the knack of having fun and that could be because you are depressed.
Speak to your doctor. When I was depressed I saw the gp and yes i did get handed the pills but only took them short term. He also got me referred straight away. It was a weight off my shoulders that someone agreed that I needed help.

She is really affectionate, which makes me feel really guilty, but she's bored really easily. I try and be as affectionate to her as I can but don't think i am. I think i'm useless because I feed her rubbish food because I don't have time or energy to cook really good stuff, I don't have much patience with her, can't get her to eat properly, can't get her potty trained...etc

I love her when she's asleep and I can just watch her but when she's up I feel panicky and like I can't cope, just feels like nothing ever goes smoothly for more than 2 minutes

Where do you live? Is there any way of finding other lone parents in your area to meet up with? (Isn't there an organisation - Gingerbread or something?)
I wonder if you could contact Homestart?
You can make clear to your GP that you want counselling (with or without pills - it might be that they would help you in the short run). If he/she won't refer you there might be organisatuions you could do it through.
I think you feel isolated, even if on the face of it you're not. Maybe a close female friend who likes children could come and stay with you for a bit and do fun things with you and your daughter?
Why do you feel useless and like you're doing everything wrong?

right, so she's affectionate with you. So either you're a good mum or she doesn't notice the "rubbish food" and lack of patience.

From your last post, I think you are being hard on yourself. Being a mum is enormously tiring, you can't always have the energy, especially as you are a single mum.

My mother was a single mum, too. She worked part time, she was always knackered. She fed me sausages, beans, fishfingers, tomato ketchup sandwiches when we had no money. She also didn't have the energy to do "outside" things with me. I don't judge her for it. She was doing her best, it sounds like you think your best isn't good enough, but your daughter sounds happy

I have one female friend who tries to come over when she can and do things with me and my daughter but she doesn't have much of a clue, when she starts whinging or anything my friend looks even more stressed than me. I'll try Gingerbread, i think I do feel isolated because it feels like everyone else is doing something totally different with their lives to me. they're all either totally free and single or attached and happy with their family life, and I'm trying to be halfway between so i don't fit in either.

actually, I feel like that with my baby! I LOVE her when she's asleep, I'm fine when my husband is home, but I feel panicky and like I'm not coping when he's at work. I can't wait for him to come home (have even stood in the window looking for his car on a bad day). I don't know how the hell I'd cope if I was on my own with her.

Sorry, cross posted
I'm a newer mum than you (my son is 16 weeks) but I've already learned that nothing can be relied upon to go smoothly with children!
If your daughter is bored easily then that means she's an alert, active, interested little girl - and she's affectionate - these are all things to your credit which you can pat yourself on the back for!
Try not to worry too much or put yourself under too much pressure re potty training, eating etc. None of us have the time to be always cooking cordon bleu, and that's just those of us with a partner. If you are worried about her eating get yourself informed on healthy food, try and find a Saturday lunchtime to try new recipes (maybe your daughter could help with simple and safe parts of the cooking - that might be fun for you to do together), talk to a dietician.

My heart breaks for you HM. What a desperate muddle. I really think that you need to talk to someone in real life, though not your HV is you have a dificult relationship with her. Your GP may be able to offer advice or assistance other than medication, you've nothing to lose by seeing him/her. I really hope someone is able to help you through this - would really really talking to your mum help? I mean, printing off this thread and maybe showing it to her, or just saying what you've said to us?
I really hope you manage to get the help you need.

Berolina and Mogwai are right - the fact that she's sparky and affectionate is to your credit. Re: potty training and food - these things aren't the end of the world, and worrying to the extent that you seem to be won't help get them sorted. Maybe enlist your mother's help with the potty training? Or would your dd's nursery help - seems the children of my friends who have gone to nursery train earlier because of the example set by older kids/the expertise of the staff.
Good luck.

helplessmum, Several things you have said remind me of when I was suffering from depression during my twenties.

• having an unrealistically low idea of your capabilities (because I bet you aren't a worse mum than the rest of us self-taught mums out here)
• thinking that the doctor can't possibly help you, they'll only dish out pills
• fastening on one particular aspect of your life, and convincing yourself that all would be well if you could just get rid of this one problem.

Do try the doctor. Try a course of treatment. If it doesn't work, you can just stop it. Or move to another doctor and get a second opinion.

I think you're onto something there. You feel sort of in between stools and like there's no-one there who really understands your experiences.
I know how much easier this is said than done... but try to put the brakes on the 'stressed and panicky' response, slowly, when she starts whingeing or tantruming. Take a deep breath, respond, remind yourself that you've got this far so you must be doing something right.

Sounds like isolation is a big problem. I know what you mean about childless friends being clueless. Have you SEEN the way they hold a baby?

Meeting local mums is important for you. So what if they have partners? You have more in common than you have setting you apart. I think being a mum is like being part of a club . I think you should try to join up with a group, take your daughter along..

hi probablynotashelplessasyouthinkyouaremum. Do you have any friends with small children? It sounds to me like you need to find someone in the same sort of boat. If your colleagues at work are all fancy free that must be pretty tough. But there are probably lots of mums like you and I think peer support (and real life support)would probably be better than anything for you. Check out your local council for their lists of play groups and support groups, ask hv, check gp notice board - you might find something specifically targetted at younger and/or single mums. Or post something on the meet up section here. if you could find someone who shares your experiences it could really help

Without souning harsh, I dont think the problem here is you feeling useless as a mother, I think you resent your daughter for taking away your freedom.

Therefore I think it is another area of your life that you are unhappy with, that perhaps you dont even realise.

You are lonely and crave adult company, I cant give any advise except what everyone else has said, but I do think if you had more company with friends you would begin to feel very differently about your daughter and realise that children fill a big hole in your life rather than causing one.

I promise I am not judging you, this is just my view and you have my sympathy.

Could you invite a few of your work mates over to your house for a girly night in.

Thanks everyone, i feel better having talked about it more. i think i'm trying to do everything perfectly and ending up doing it worse. I know logically that she won't be harmed if I feed her fish fingers etc, but it only hits home when someone else says it.

Sounds to me like you are feeling stranded on the island of looking after a three year old, when noone else you know is. Therefore all usual negative three year old behaviour is getting to you, and you feel like it's only you and there's noone else having to do this drudgery stuff.

Please come on here often and talk about your various problems - surf the archive board and see that every mum goes through the same trials and tribs of toddlerhood, and it is an almighty strain, even if you DO have a great support network, all the information at your fingertips, a partner and sympathetic friends. I can only imagine how crappy you must feel your life is in comparison with all those other friends who are still footloose and fancy free. You are not alone, but you need to discover that fact. There's so much kind advice and help here - it was a great place for you to start.

Please try and hang in there. You need some like-minded support, friends who have three year olds, a break by sending her to nursery. Nursery will introduce you to other mums with kids of exactly the same age, and it might be a good idea to pluck up the courage to arrange a playdate or two and get to know these other mums who might be able to offer you some encouragement. It might sound like a dreadful hurdle to breach - but I really think you would benefit.

Where are you in the country?

If you can get a handle on your feelings, and get over some of the more trying aspects of rearing small children, you will find yourself enjoying her company more. She won't be three forever.

You could try the "Little Angels" approach of "Fake it to make it" - over the top smiling and positive praise (even when you don't feel like it) but see the impact it has...

ahh, fishfingers, the staff of life

oh helplessmummy!

I was RAISED on fishfingers. I have a good university degree, a successful career and I'm happy as larry.

And I bloddy LOVE fishfinger butties