Please help but please don't judge me

[helplessmum]

I'm a single mum and have a nearly 3 year old and I really can't cope. Please don't tell me I'm horrible but I hate being a mum and i really wish I could have her adopted, the only thing stopping me is the thought of trying to explain it when she grows up. I don't think i'm depressed, I'm happy enough with the rest of my life, I just can't handle being a mum.

and btw - give yourself a big pat on the back. Your dd is nearly 3 and you can look at her and say "I did that". Be proud of her and proud of yourself.

Just pop some veggies next to the fishfingers and she will do fine. Remember you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be her mum, she loves you.

Could you contact Homestart?

(I work with kids - I think three year old are a pain in the arse. Four year olds are MUCH better - things will surely improve!)

helplessmum- I think your problem is that you don't know people in the same situation as you. I have an unusual situation (severely autistic eldest son) but pther people in that situation are my lifeline. When I venture out into the real world a little I find I can only cope with it for short periods or I get very down (seriously).

You could put an ad in meet-ups here- or go on the single parents threads and start talking to others in the same situation (even over the net helps). Then start searching locally. One thing I did was out a little article in the local paper (written by a reporter) saying that I was having a coffee morning for parents of autistic children- I ended up with a house full! Some were nutters () but some have since become great friends. Firget about the useless mum bit (you're not) and look for people who are young and single and have a child - just like you.

waterfalls, you're right, i do resent her, which is horrible. I didn't have the single life i wanted and i haven't ended up with the mummy life i wanted, which sounds selfish but i just can't get used to liking what i have got. I do sometimes have friends round but then when i'm on my own again I feel even more alone. I sound worse than a 3 year old myself!

I'll definitely try some of the ideas on here and try to meet up with some other mums, keep shying away from having anything else to 'get out and do' but I know I need to.

Mmm, fish finger butties with ketchup and vinegar!

I hope this doesn't sound flippant but do you ever watch the dozens of parenting programmes on tv? It makes me feel better seeing that other people have problems with their kids and don't find it easy either.

Some really sound advice here hm. Please try and find that support by others in a similar situation.
Going to your GP and asking to get referred won't hurt either.
Do sitck around - and change your name to something more positive

I do put veggies on her plate, sounds weird but she'll eat veggies until she explodes, my problem is getting her to eat anything else, like protein! Thanks mogwai, I'll hold my breath for a year .

Sounds mean but yes I do watch the parenting programmes and its one of the things that keeps me going, knowing that there are people doing far worse than me! Will try homestart, what do they do? I will definitely try to meet more people, hope it helps

something I heard, that I think must apply to most mums,

"I'm a better mother in public than I am in private"

Perhaps we are all a bit crappy?!

On the subject of footloose friends, I went out with some single friends last week. They all pitched up in their convertibles (yes, they really do all drive convertibles) looking effortlessly fabulous. I parked up in a sensible five door car, having just found time to brush my barnet and change out of the sweatshirt I had discovered was splattered with baby shit. Oh yeah, and I had squeezed my mummy tummy into a pair of combat trousers that had subsequently popped the top button as I was driving up the motorway.

I felt so frumpy next to them, I could have cried. They just don't understand. That's why you need other mums.

helplessmum, that is HUGE mummy prestige points if your dd eats vegetables!

It certainly is, how do you manage that??

Thanks mogwai, thats made me smile. Last time I went out in the evening i could tell everyone had spent at least an hour getting ready, even the blokes, and I'd spent 15 mins after my daughter went to bed, didn't even do anything to my hair because I wouldn't have had time to shave under my arms otherwise and my make-up consisted of literally splodging eye shadow on.

thanks nightynight, she's always done it but I worry because she's as thin as a rake and barely eats any carbs and even less protein.

helplessmum- neither a fruit nor vegetable has passed ds1's lips in severaal years. He's not hot on protein either- we should mix and math them (chuck cheese over the top of the veg- instant protein- they don't need that much anyway).

Where in the UK are you? (just vaguely)

If you don;t know others in the same situation your feelings are normal- really- and easy(ish) to correct. You can porbably find people to meet up with online (which is easier than going in cold ime),

Let your dd watch you getting ready as a "treat" while she has her bath next time!

oh I want to give you a huge hug

Jimjams is right about needing to have other people in the same boat. She should know. (watch out for nutters though )

You know what? When your little girl is older, you are going to be so bloody proud of her, and yourself. Just think how my mum felt on the day I graduated from univerity (quite apart from the fact I was off her hands ). I know you kind of resent it all now, I think you have enormous courage to admit that. But some of the hardest bits are behind you (like baby shit on your sweatshirt ) and there's so much to look forward to in the future for bith of you.

(yeah, fishfinger butties with ketchup and vinegar, squash 'em down good and flat)

helplessmum- please don't worry about the diet- ds1 eats only carbs (pretty much) and he's thin as a rake as well. Lively enough though!

I'm in the midlands, will have a think about venturing out on a meet up. I put cheese with everything at the moment, and yoghurts are always pudding, just to get some protein!

I already feel better after talking about it all, thankyou. I'm amazed at the amount of replies I've got and that no-one's told me i'm a terrible mother, will definitely stay and change my name to something a bit better!

nutters are ok as it gives you something to bond with the other people about (as in "OMG did you see that person who...." )

are we making you feel better?

Are we making you laaaarf?

unsuremum?

shavedpitsmum?

HM- the only protein ds1 gets is cheese and yoghurts and I thought that was good! Please don't worry about that. I've been congratulating myself on cheese and yoghurts for years (mind you I do call a crisp a vegetable in his case)

HM- the only protein ds1 gets is cheese and yoghurts and I thought that was good! Please don't worry about that. I've been congratulating myself on cheese and yoghurts for years (mind you I do call a crisp a vegetable in his case)

It's lovely to hear you sound a bit more positive.