Please help but please don't judge me

[helplessmum]

I'm a single mum and have a nearly 3 year old and I really can't cope. Please don't tell me I'm horrible but I hate being a mum and i really wish I could have her adopted, the only thing stopping me is the thought of trying to explain it when she grows up. I don't think i'm depressed, I'm happy enough with the rest of my life, I just can't handle being a mum.

good for you expat, you sound like you turned your life around.

Personally, I'd love a vodka, a Cadbury's twirl, my duvet and a copy of OK Magazine. Oh yeah, and a baby that sleeps 7pm-11am

I was so utterly lonely. I wanted a family SO much.

The whole 'going out' thing.

Man, I got that well outta my system. Going out, blowing loads of money getting bombed and not remembering the half of it. Getting sick, acting foolish, the whole of the next day feeling ill. What a waste.

When I get really tired, I think about how extremly sad I was w/o my family, w/o my wee girl to come home to or see in the morning or look after, how bereft I'd feel w/o them all.

Ah, I wasn't young when I had DD. I don't miss it. I had a full youth. It's behind me now and I look forward to what lies ahead.

I don't think I ever felt "grown up"

Sure, I have a job, mortgage, husband...but sometimes it's all a bit too much.

Sometimes I feel about 8 years old...I want Sindy dolls, crayons, warm milk. I can't believe I'm now the mummy, the grown up.

Childhhod is too brief, and so are those years of freedom (and slim thighs) before you have kids. I had my first child at 32, and I still feel I'm missing out!!

expatinscotland, thats brought tears to my eyes. It is nice coming home to dd (when she's in a good mood) and although i like going out and getting really drunk and being silly i know deep down I'd hate it if I did that every week.

I was 32 and going on 50 - and an early grave.

Love being 'grown up'. All that insecurity. All that foolishness. All that wastefulness and taking things for granted.

Nothing wrong w/that, but it's over for me and I feel better now than ever. Looking foward to 40! And 50! And beyond.

I did it every night, helpless, b/c you see, I didn't have a little girl to come home to. I'd have traded ANYTHING for that. I very nearly did. And I'm pretty lucky, cuz that person I was, she could very well have ended up dead. And what a waste that would have been!

Wish you were closer, cuz I'd be happy to look after your little girl and give you a break.

They don't stay little for long.

Don't be so hard on yourself, helpless. Give yourself that break you need so much - from the inside.

You love your girl. A lot of folks don't love their kids.

I honestly think that my life before I had my daughter was a bit pointless. Does that make sense?

I miss it like mad, but then again, what was I doing? Working, spending, drinking, spending some more. What was the purpose?

Right now, I'm a mother. I am shaping my child's whole life, I am making her memories, providing stability, teaching her that she is loved, showing her how to love her own children.

Stila eyeshadow? ringtones? toe-pole sandals? slim thighs (see the theme here?) what the hell! Being a mum is amazing, and you, HM are amazing!

kat you sound really sorted!
i'm 33 and i REALLY enjoyed my youth if you know what i mean!!! I drank a lot , i snogged countless men, whatever. And i had real trouble concieving ds1 and that was a horrendous time and i would have swapped everything i had for a baby.and now i have 2 and a lovely husband and a home and yeah it's great. but sometimes i feel about a hundred and that girl i was seems a million years ago and yes i would like to go back! sometimes!

(you need to print this thread and read it when you feel down, by the way)

sorry- am i depressing you even further with my whingings? The point i'm making is that you are not unusual or odd in feeling the way you do. As these postings have shown, most mothers feel like this at sometime or another. Bad mothers don't worry about their childs salt intake!

HM - I have not posted on mumsnet in months now but have lurked from time to time and am breaking cover (!) tonight to say just this: You are doing a great job. You (and your dd) sound lovely. And how on earth do I get ds to eat veggies?!

TBH, sometimes I think it would be nice to just go out and get pi$$ed but then I think back to my single days, being chatted up by complete plonkers, throwing up, being freezing cold for the sake of keeping up with the latest fashion craze and lets face it you know you're past it when you still refer to "discos". . Nah, I'd rather be at home with my baby puke stained clothes.

You love your little girl and it shows.

bearess ,the veggie thing...my kids eat veggies like nobodies business. they eat their veggies before anything else and constantly munch on fruit.but protein?? god, how difficult is that to get in them???

if it's not one it's the other.

thanks alexsmum and bearess, i don't know how to get veggies eaten, dd's just always done it!lad to know everyone else feels down at times, I'll keep remembering it will be worth it in the end and try and print this thread out to remind me!

thankyou fimbo, i know i don't really want to get rid of dd, just seems the only way out when i feel really down.

anyway....you can't get rid of her.....she's relying on you for the fishfinger butties

some other mother might try to feed her beef, carrots, apples, you know the sort of crap

You'll be fine, just stay sane and stick with us xx

oh! me too. am single mum now...with a psychopathical ex ds daddy and it can be hard and i do miss my 'old life' sometimes. I'm 26 and this wasn't how i planned things, i never imagined being a single mum and it is hard (ds is 16mths) but it's so lovely too. Everything has a purpose because its for him, i never ever sit down and think 'what's the point' like i occassionally used to when i was just working/socialising etc. I do miss my old life but i love my new one at the same time. old friends who ever really were friends are still around so i know who really cares for me rather than who is just having fun with me. I miss taking care of myself, i don't like my new physique (but alas i am very lazy to do anything about it!) i miss having a sit down and a nice cup of tea when i get in after a day out, i miss being spontaneous with my friends and just hanging out and seeing what the day/eve brings BUT i know all things are transitional, ds is growing up every day and i bloody adore him and i'm sure there will be something adorable as well as something unbearable about each stage of his childhood! but i will cherish all the stages because i KNOW i will miss my little 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 etc year old when he has moved on. I want to be completely present here, i don't want to be wishing i was somewhere else because that's completely pointless, things are as they are and even if i could go back in time and know all the things that were going to happen and how hard things might be i wouldn't change a thing anyway, i love him so much, he is the greatest part of me, my most wonderful achievement. At the end of the day there is nothing in this world but the people that we love, all the rest is just a lot of vanity and glossing. helplessmum you will have a social life again (my divorced mum is really living it up with her divorcee friends at 50 and having the time of her life) but your child will never be 3years old again, cherish it. you will of course have moments/days of being driven mad but its all part and parcel of the package. you have this small child who adores you, who thinks you are a goddess! everybody gets lonely sometimes, single free woman, single mums, married mums. you are 26, you have so many amazing things that you will do and wonderful people that you will meet in the future. live in the present, the grass is not greener anywhere else. x.

This sounds very familiar.
I get over wrought too.
When things go wrong I feel like an awful mum and that I'm not worthy of being a parent.
I think we can feel like that at times though.
So don't worry a bout writing things here, we can compare notes.
It seems you have got some great support.

Support here I mean.

Oh, and another thing, helpless. Give yourself some damn credit. Cuz if you REALLY couldn't cope, you wouldn't have lasted for 3 years. You're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for.

Sorry I am no good at doing links but here is the web address of homestart www.home-start.org.uk I suffered from sever post natal depression which wasn't picked up till my daughter was 12 months and felt pretty much as you are describing. My GP prescribed AD's and reffered me for councelling which helped. My health visitor suggested homestart to me and I wish I had taken her up on the offer as I have friends who say that they have been a godsend. My second child is due any day now and I won't be turning it down this time round.

You are not alone. Please seek help from the GP you sound as if you need it and of course remember that there are lots of friendly supportive people here on mumsnet. This web site has become a lifeline when life has been really cr*p.

I am lucky in that I have a very supportive DH and extended family however I still have moments when I feel isolated and as if I cannot cope with dd and painc about how on earth I am going to cope with two children.

helplessmum I'm in the East Midlands
If I cna help at all, be gald too
I have a nearly 3 yr old dd too and I was a single parent with my 1st child ds now 11 so I understand a lot of what you say
Pls let me know, have car and time and freedom would be delighted to help/meet up whatever
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am in the Midlands too so please feel free to cat me and see if we are close enough to arange a meet up if that would be helpful to you.