Please help but please don't judge me

[helplessmum]

I'm a single mum and have a nearly 3 year old and I really can't cope. Please don't tell me I'm horrible but I hate being a mum and i really wish I could have her adopted, the only thing stopping me is the thought of trying to explain it when she grows up. I don't think i'm depressed, I'm happy enough with the rest of my life, I just can't handle being a mum.

helplessmum - I think you sound like a great mum. Stop beating yourself up about it. I spent 2 years wishing I was somewhere else, not being a mum - but now DS is 3 it's suddenly clicked into place. I can still remember what life was like without him - but i love him to pieces and resent him far less than i did.

I imagine that you will get to a point where it will click into place and you'll look back and sigh a huge sigh of relief and think, thank god those feelings are over. How nice it is to have a calmer, happier day to day existance.

I hope so anyway. You clearly care an awful lot about her - with what she eats - getting proteiens and carbs and no salt. Don't be so hard on yourself. Life was so much easier before we had kids....but hey, who wants an unchallenging life!?

Good luck, hope you feel happier and more confident soon.

x

Read this thread from start to finish and am glad that so many lovely Mumsnetters have managed to make you smile. There's a Mumsnet guide to surviving parenthood here that might make you giggle too.

FWIW, young children are xxxxxxx exhausting and, if I'm honest, I really didn't enjoy those early years. DS is five now though - and he is bloody magic. Yes, he still drives me nuts at times - but he also makes my heart swell. So hang on in there girlfriend - get in contact with the organisations others have suggested; see your GP (you are obviously really down, but you could even be suffering from postnatal depression - it doesn't have to start the day they are born and it can kick in years afterwards)get yourself to some MN meet-ups; tell your mum how crap you are really feeling and see if you can get regular support (believe me, just knowing that you have one set afternoon a week that is yours to do what you want with can make a massive difference to how you feel.) I think lots of mums (single or not) feel totally hemmed in by early parenthood - and it does take a while to stop lusting after your old life and embrace the new version. Sure it's different - but that doesn't have to mean it won't be as good, if not better. So hang on in there for a while - get the support you need to help you cope and find new friends and then see how you feel about life.

And, most importantly, remember that you can always come on here to unload - and it really, really helps. Thousands of us can't be wrong.

Hiya.

there have been times when I have felt like this too, I confess that. Not now, but my life has changed dramatically. I was coming home from work to a small baby, exhausted from work, unable to give either my full dedication, and getting increasingly stressed out and withdrawing from both and feeling as if I'd failed everyone. It was a horrible time, fortunately many years ago.

Have you got a HomeStart in your area? They'll have encountered many poeple like you. There might not be many people on this website who feel the same, but that's coz it's Mumsnet and people here are very- excuse the connotatioons- mumsy. I know that there are lots of people out there like you though; you need toknow you're not alone.

Oh and if you have any questions about HomeStart- it can intimdating approaching them- feel free to CAT me as I used to work there. I could even refer you if you'd like someone else to make the initial contact, no problem.

You can refer your self to homestart on their website they have a map for you to find your local office with all the relevant contact details on I poseted their web address earlier this morning for you.

I haven't read the whole thread but I just want to offer my support . I was depressed after I had my daughter although I didn't realise it for three years until I moved house and got a brilliant health visitor who popped around one day and found me in tears because I was a hopeless Mum who didn't do everything perfectly .
I did take pills for a short while which just helped me to get over the useless feelings and start enjoying life and my daughter(who is now 6)
My mum just thought I'd feel ok in a couple of days, but I knew it was more deep seated than that.
Please go and see your GP if you can get up the energy to do that (motivation was one of my problems)and you will start feeling happier again soon I'm sure .
It must be very lonely for you with no partner to support you and three really isn't an easy age. I could go on for pages with my advise, but I wont - just take care and know that there are many mums out there who are thinking of you and would like to help

Willow, thank you - I hadn't read the Guardian piece before - rofl!

Hm please if Home start is near by go to them. I was had PND when my 2nd was 14 months old i was on pills and also was refered to home start. I made some brilliant friends through them and know 18 months on and free on PND.

Of course you can refer yourself, I was just ofering as some people (my DH when he is depressed for example, and me always) have trouble asking for help for themselves.

If you don't fancy a volunteer, they also offer family groups which are like a supportive toddler group I suppose, some people prefer those.

Whatever you decide, don't beat yourself up. The fact that you are asking advice and looking for support means that you are doing the best for your family, which in fact does make you a good Mum! being a Mum is about more than just having a natural ability or empathy; it's about doing the best for your little ones, and anyone who asks for help is doing just that. Good luck

just like to second what everyone else has said and hope you feel a lot better. it seems ingrained in people to think everyone else has it better and the grass is greener - everyone has problems no one is perfect - have you seen desperate housewives? bree puts on such a perfect mother persona and her family is falling apart. its the same everywhere - you know those lovvey dovey couples with kids dressed in boden with clarks shoes that pronounce loudly " anabel carmel darling its out bible" remember her husnads fucking the secretary at work.

when she goes to full time school it gets better. in fact when they turn 6 years old they turn into lovely peole. promise

xxx

Thanks for all the replies, had another stressful day, but atm she's not very well and I can't figure out whats wrong which doesn't help. But I will find out what groups are around, the family groups sound good, just want some more company and someone who actually knows what I'm feeling.

Thanks for saying it gets better, its already miles better than it was when she was a couple of months old, looking forward to the magic 6 years old then!

And thanks custardo, will try and keep it in mind that even the best mums make a mess of it

hello hmum, don't forget to check the meetup threads here on mumsnet too, there might be one in your area.
hope your dd feels better tomorrow.

HI
haven't read the whole thread. Sorry. But just to reiterate you actually sound like you're doing a perfectly good job of raising your daughter.
About how people always look like they cope loads better than you: a group of mums who go to the same toddler group as me, well, they've always got make-up on, lovely figures, really nice clothes and car. Kids always in next etc etc. Well we're in primark and shock, we walk to toddler group. YOu're lucky if I've remembered to brush my hair!! But when you actually look, they're not there for the kids, they igore them whilst they're there. One of these'mums' even told her 17 month old to' for god's sake xxxx I'm talking bugger off and play' and then followed it up with a 'leave me alone' 'oh for christs sake have your dummy and shut up'.
I might look crappy but when my dd asks for a drink, I get her one!!
Just to point out that looks are deceiving.
You ARE a good mum. You care that you may not be so therefore you must be or you wouldn't care.
HUGS

Hiya

Im also in the midlands, i have a 3yr old and a 1yr old, so if you want to email me feel free

[email protected]

and dont get me started on the things i miss...

take care xxxxxxxx