Is it all worthwhile??

[noniks]

Hi all
40 yrs old, no kids and never been interested,
however the body clock is ticking louder and I am becoming uneasy about what to do with my future.
Have great life, job, hubby, home and lovely family with godchildren galore.
Something is missing though....and it may be a child,I feel like I have a void in my life.

Thing is that I hear so many great things abou parenting, and everyone says I'd be a natural...but then so many other things about how hard it is, and how you sacrifice so much.....and life is never ever the same

I genuinely don't know what to do....I need honest experienced answers please, please, please.....am tying myself in knots..(sad)

Here´s my take on this (and by the way, thanks everyone for honesty.....if I have to read one more article about a new-mum celebrity who is "so in love" with her newborn...grrrr):
Where was I?
Oh yes...I think most people on this website seem to be articulate, well-educated types who probably aspired to being more than child-minder/cook/cleaner/laundry-lady, etc when they were growing up. Leaving a good job where one has competed on an even playing field (well, OK, somewhat bumpy) with men, and then finding after kids that your own hormones have sabotaged you....your focus shifts, you no longer burn with ambition to climb that ladder, you go part time and end up as a so-so mother and a so-so worker (or so it feels)...oh, and your brain turns to mush- I almost forgot!
Would I have kids if I´d known all this...probably. My biggest problem is that I have one who is an angel, a delight and so rewarding he gives back MORE than I feel I give him. AND THEN I have the angry, belligerent, sulky, non-cooperative elder child who often makes me feel that it just isn´t worth it! So here´s another factor.....it depends a lot on your child´s personality too and that´s something you can NEVER predict. If you have just one and you clash constantly, your life is miserable. Thank goodness I have a second who has shown me how parenthood CAN be!

Good point CheerfulYank about creating your own family life. I feel the same and I think it adds to a sense of inner completeness, to "do it again" but better or like you feel you deserved but didn't get.

I wanted to grow up in the sort of family that had in-jokes; affectionate nicknames; lots of moments to create the "do you remember whens" of today; childhood mementoes etc. My parents were far to busy working and life was a whole lot of practical drudge but a lot lacking in fun or special times.

I am able to make sure that my own child gets what I consider to be the right balance no, not to a highly forced degree but just ensuring the kind of emotional security and sense of belonging I feel I wasn't given. It's very nice for us both.

I had my first at 40, my second at 42 - both happy healthy children and I'm very lucky and all that but: We had to leave London and live in the sticks to afford more space; I miss miss miss my friends and am probably alienating them further by NEVER calling them and NEVER going to see them because from 5am to 10pm life is taken up with getting the kids out of the door, holding down a full time job, helping with their tea, giving them their bath, putting them to bed, doing the washing, having dinner, washing up after dinner, sorting out paperwork and all the other things you have to do to get through life - and I even have a partner who does most of the cooking and most of the food shopping, and I have a cleaner!

I often feel envy at people who can just meet up with a friend for dinner, or just go for a coffe, or just go and see a film, or just fly off for the weekend, or just go for a lovely walk in the hills. Every single thing you do has to be child friendly, buggy friendly, not too far, not too difficult, you have to be loaded up with snacks and drinks and nappies and dummies - you are not really you anymore.

I do love my children to desperation, and they are lovely to come home to in the evening and if I didn't have them I would probably be moaning about my life anyway.

Guess that sums it up: Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Helpful? I expect not.
Honest? Yes

I am about to embark on motherhood and have been warned by my mum about the downsides.

I am not maternal or not maternal - I just met my DH 2.5 years ago and wanted to make a family with him.

At 36 I feel pretty relaxed about my life changing but then I am aware that I am fortunate that our circle of friends is filled with people also having babies so for example we recently talked about planning New Years Eve (current fav theme is masked ball) and will be all dressing up and having a house party with the babies upstairs - we have adapted to our circumstances but still want a life.

I have to say I am dubious about comments about missing spontaneous days of old - as frankly hvaing been clubbing/pubbing it since I was 14 I do feel I know excactly what I'm 'giving up' and its not all that.

I also think dreaming of carefree on the spur of the moment shopping trips/weekends away etc are probably only true if in fact you actually DID those things...as opposed to being nostalgic about the good old days and the things you used to be able to do but in reality didnt actually do.

Spanishlady - don't underestimate how it feels til you get there! Try being nostalgic for the time you could go to the loo without the door being flung open exposing you in all your glory and "mummymummymummy" yelled out endlessly.

Or for the time you could make a cup of tea, open a magazine and sit down with a biscuit for a 20 minute read. This is more like: Perch tea somewhere safe (ie out of reach, meaning you have to get up and sit down every time you want a sip); biscuit gets taken out of your hands by toddler, tantrum ensues if biscuit not given to toddler; magazine gets taken out of your hands, squashed, and thrown on the floor with sticky squashed biscuit all over it, tantrum ensues if toddler still wants magazine to squash and throw around...

Or: Thought: Mmm - fancy a biscuit. Will pop to shop & get some. Er, no. Find shoes/coat/hat/gloves etc for both of you. Look for buggy, realise it has been left in boot of car. Look for keys to retrieve buggy from boot, realise toddler has had keys and hidden them. Eventually find keys and buggy. As you are loading toddler into buggy you notice faint poo smell from nappy and think "never mind, it'll keep for 5 mins", until you then notice it is a LEAKER and you have to deal with it there and then. Toddler wants to walk and strops about being put in pushchair.

NThat's the sort of thing I am nostalgic about on an ordinary day, let alone trips away where you multiply the above FAFFING by 11,000.

Having said that I love being a mum!

Try

• having a shower without 2 little people banging on the door shouting at you to come out and play with them
• waking up naturally, instead of by a shouty toddler wanting to play at 5am
• watching even half the 10 o'clock news without dropping off
• having a bath, ever
• having an uninterrupted conversation on the telephone
• doing something on a computer without small hands bashing at random keys

above all - try not to bore people about how difficult it is having children...although I think they prefer that to how delightful and funny and cuddly and sweet and special your little kiddiwiddies are.

I can live without the weekends away (and there used to be a lot); it's the little things that are harder to get used to, like walking round a shop without a preschooler wanting EVERYTHING in sight and a toddler grabbing EVERYTHING within reach.

You never got bored though... (and that's another lie)

morebubbly - are you me? OMG, the waking up naturally... how could I forget. That's probably the No.1 thing DH & I miss the most. It's not about getting a lie-in (that's a different story). It's about being woken up boot-camp style every day come rain or shine.

And the last time I had a bath opposed to a very quick shower whilst keeping a soap-stung eye on the toddler, was on the eve of giving birth. If I'd have known that then I'd have made it last a LOT longer!

Girlsworld - we are many, and should unite. And we would, if only we weren't so tired.

Noniks - hope you will read this as am coming to this thread a little late. I was 41 when I had my dd and my experience is a little bit different to that of others on this thread. I wasn't over-keen, thought I was too old, but my husband wanted to try. So I came off the pill and was pregnant within three months. I can honestly say that as soon as I knew I became very maternal - had not been before. Maybe it would be the same for you.

I think everyone finds the broken nights and complete change of lifestyle difficult - but you do get more tired when you are an older mother, no doubt, than you would in your 20s or 30s. But I loved dd and my close relationship with her. Motherhood was not always easy, but very fulfilling - especially the knowledge that you are everything to that child. If you have ever had any hormone problems, think carefully - I had and ended up with post natal depression, but did come through it OK.

At 40 it is more likely you will only have one - I enjoyed the fact that there was no sibling rivalry, but did not foresee how hard I would find teenage (dd is now 15) when they begin to grow away from you. It is a sort of double-dip - baby and toddler can be tough and then it settles down. Along comes teenage, when they start answering back and criticising you when you are used to unconditional love. In my case all this coincided with the menopause and the death of my parents within a year of each other. Impossible to foresee, but the last two years have been very very tough.

Oh dear - I don't want to sound so negative. The joys are hard to describe - it is so fulfilling giving your time and attention to a little person who loves you so much and to whom you are irreplaceable. Can't say that about any job. But if you are a confirmed career woman and like your freedom you might find it very hard. Just want to tell you my experience - warts and all.

The best of luck in your decision.

To all new mums of brand new babies...

Relax, sorry but you can't really advise on parenthood yet

ducks to avoid backlash.
Your doing the shit bit just now, only sadists and freaks enjoy this bit!

I remember when my first was 9 weeks old and my mum and gran were discussing how sad it was that my 40 yr old cousin wasn't in a stable relationship and would probably not have kids.

I said/shouted slightly "it's not all that is it? I love him but by god i miss my old life and it's so hard. I think you can have just as fufilled a life without this hastle" and stormed out of the flat (hormones ).

By the time he was 6 months old, I was feeling very sorry for my cousin!

Now that he is 3.5 yrs and his sister is 9 months, I really do feel heart sorry for people who can't have kids or are frightened off by what people say. The only consolation is, you'll never know what you missed.

There is the odd mum who doesn't like it and I feel sorry for them I really do but I think they are in the minority.
You can't know how you will feel, we are all different.

I remember also how much other folks kids annoyed and bored me (they still do, ha).

I remember going through same dilema coming up for 30. I kept asking and I felt frustrated by their answer of "it's hard, it's hell at times, but I wouldn't change it".
I wanted bloody details, I wanted them to make my mind up FFS!

I remember feeling dread when I fell PG straight away after a bottle of wine and an impulsive decision!

I wish I could explain it but basically today for instance, I had the morning rush of getting 3 yr old ready for nursery by chasing him around the house while he pretended to be a train (very fecking annoying) while baby DD sat and screamed on the floor for attention. That's one of the many hard, wearing bits...

then I picked up DS from nursery, his eyes lit up when he spotted me, ran towards me shouting "mummy" and threw his arms round me and his baby sister who was so excited to see him she licked his face!

Nobody tells you about how proud you'll feel or how much you will laugh. How it amazes you when you look into your sons face and he has your eyes and his dads smile and vice versa for DD.

I can't imagine my life without them because they've made sense of my life.

It basically feels like falling in love for the first time. Exciting, want to be with them, miss them when you are away from them and daydreaming about them when they are in bed because of some of the amazing/funny things they said or done that day.

Of course there are some days you need space and they piss you off but doesn't everyone (or is that just me)!

Id say though, if you think you are going to live your life the same way and work as long hours or as hard, think twice.

If your ready for change go for it, if your totally opposed to it - maybe not.

I'd rather not have had to wait so long, but I was married at 40, we spent 14 long heartbreaking years trying to have a baby, with IVF etc, etc. Then with the kind generosity of a donor I had my daughter at the age of 55 in 2008. I truly believe that we had to wait so long because we weren't meant to have A baby - we were meant to have THIS baby. She loves life so much; it was as though she just had to be born, and I can't imagine the world without her in it. She has brought joy to so many people, not just us.

I've never been happier, and never been fitter, running about after her, pushing the buggy up and down hills and walking around our housing estate sometimes 4 times a day (at her insistence) and usually carrying her home because her legs are tired!

I've lost 2 stone of my pre-pregnancy weight. I've never slept so well, and never enjoyed life so much. Yes, sometimes the broken nights are difficult, but they will soon pass. I see them as something magical; being up with my little girl in the middle of the night when all the world is asleep.

Sometimes she wants to go outside so at 3am there we are in our dressing gowns, watching the aeroplanes flashing overhead and looking at the stars, while I sing her some lullabys and rock her until she falls asleep with her head on my shoulder, then I take her back to bed.

I treasure these moments, because the time will happen when she's too grown up to want/need them any more.

I've met several older mums at playgroups and nearly all, of all ages, have been very supportive. And they're the sort who would tell me to my face, not just mutter behind my back! Only one of them has ever said anything at all derogatory about my age, and that was just a mild "Blimey! You did leave it late, didn't you!".

I miss my work (and the money!) but my little girl makes it all worthwhile.

You must do whatever you feel best, but personally I hope that you go for it and are successful, and will be very happy and fulfilled.

And me, I'm still bored and boring...

motherinferior what did you do before you had kids?

Is it your career you miss (sorry not got time to scan threads, need to escape to gym)!

Wow it has taken me several sittings to read this thread, but I had to read it all because I'm fascinated. Hope the OP has found it as useful as I have.

My first DC is due in 2 weeks and despite 3 years of trying and 4 awful miscarriages, I'm still full of doubt about coping with the day to day reality of motherhood and find it hard to know what to say when people say "you must be so excited."

the posts that have resonated most are:

The cons:
Posts about introverts finding it tough (I'm introverted a have long suspected I'll find the relentlessness hard).

The pro's:
Those that have pointed out that there are no guarantees of total fulfillment in life whatever decisions you make, and any situation is what you make of it.

LibraryLil, your post has just brought tears to my eyes, and I'm not a weeper by nature!

leapoffaith It's only relentless at the beginning, along with being totally in awe of your own baby!

Adrenalin gets you through the tough first few months and it's quickly forgotten.

You will change as a person slowly. You will slowly get used to it all and not think about it, second nature.

There's no one more introvert than my 40 yr old friend and she has taken to motherhood better than most, loves it.

It's a shock at first but it fades.

I hate the noise and chaos other people's kids bring, still do. I feared this when I was pregnant and I found other folks kids so dull. Id wonder why everyone was in raptures about some bloody boring thing they done .

I found the routine and relentlessness tough at first, even when he was 6-9 months but I remember saying to my DH when DS was around 2, "do you know, I never think about it now, and yet I remember us pulling into the drive at the dreaded tea/bath/bed time and both sitting with our eyes shut in the car refusing to get out"!

I now have two to deal with at that time and it's not an issue.

We all get up for work and have a shower and get ready following the same routine every day. You just do it and don't think about it.

It's the same once you've been parents for a while - not an issue, not a big strain.

You have no idea whats about to hit you and it is amazing. x

Oh, and have you ever been in say, a restaurant and there's a family next to you with the noisiest kids ever yet they seem to be sitting chatting like there's nothing else going on...

That's because that part of your brain actually switches off, you don't hear it anymore, either that or your hearing has been damaged !

Felt a bit compelled to post, even though this is a very long thread, and op probably wont get this far!

I was 30ish when I had ds. Very non-maternal. Was terrified of having children and the ensuing loss of freedom. When I was early 20s, I wanted to be sterilised as I was so sure I didnt want children. But I got a bit broody, and stopped taking the pill. I remember when I found out I was pregnant, I cried.

Fast forward to now. Ds is 3. I am a single mum. I am skint. I work part-time, but permanent part-time jobs in my field are hard to come by, so in a few months, when my current contract runs out, I will out of work and even more skint.

BUT....
I wouldnt change it for anything. Really. Ds is so fab, he is a pleasure to be with and we get along so well. I guess I am lucky, as he is a pretty good kid, and I suppose I have 'trained' him to let me have a break sometimes. But today, we lay for an hour playing lego today, having a little chat about cars and things. And all my days have those lovely moments, when we are just hanging out and enjoying it. I cannot describe how much I love him.

I can't go on those holidays I want to. I can't get the job I want to. Most evenings are spent on my own and I get very lonely. I can;t even go to the shops to get milk or whatever if he is in bed. But, I wouldnt change it. Honestly.

:)

Fascinating thread, still - I do hope noniks is reading this .

Couple of things I'd like to add:

I never knew you could be bored and stressed at the same time - looking after very young children is not always very interesting but relentless and I also often felt stressed by the things I thought I ought to be doing.

Also: I often get the impression that people think about 'having babies' like they do about 'getting married' ie get worried about the conceiving/pregnancy/childbirth thing and kind of forget that a baby will soon turn into a child who'll morph into a teenager who will (hopefully!) become an adult it their own right - just like getting married should not all be about the wedding but about the marriage which should hopefully last a tiny bit longer than the wedding !

And, yes, the noise, dear Lord, the NOISE - and the kids don't seem to mind, gah!

Thanks sneak a peak, I'm hoping assuming I'll find my baby uniquely charming and fascinating like everyone does with their own!

And that I develop that helpful selective hearing.

The adventure is about to begin...

SAP - I have a career. The same career that I had before having children: I am a journalist. Actually, that career has done fairly well since I had kids.

The boredom - which is admittedly not all-pervasive, just intermittent - is the boredom of daily minutaie to do with dinner money cheques and spelling tests and arranging babysitters and remembering where swimsuits are. I love my children, but these minutaie do induce boredom, and do render me boring. Someone who knows about the whereabouts of swimsuits is not necessarily sparkling company.

I think this is a wonderful & interesting thread. Not sure if it answers the OP's questions, but it's still useful to anyone who's reading it (at least it has been for me).

As much as I adore my 2 year old DS (standard disclaimer ) what I've found hard to stomach about parenthood is the huge difference there is between my life now & my life before DS. The utter lack of freedom which everyone talks about & warns you about felt, despite all the warnings, shocking to me and still does.

If you look at things over a lifetime, I would say the journey has definitely been worth it so far. But it's just one of those things in life. You can't go back (unless one abandons children & partner, well a tiny minority does do that!) so you stumble along & make the best of it, and there are great moments along the way, and other moments that are very hard.

But I suspect that whatever choices I had made in my life, I would probably feel the same ie that my life has hard bits & lovely bits. I certainly don't believe that having children makes life more worthwhile on its own, I know many wonderful people who don't have children & live meaningful & fulfilling lives, giving joy to themselves & those around them.

Oh and the other thing that's on the negative side about parenthood (which others have talked about, so I'm not being that original) is the loss of lots of small pleasures in life:

-the pleasure of going out spontaneously for a cup of coffee at the local cafe & sitting there for an hour, reading a book

-speaking about reading books, the pleasure of reading a long novel, lying on the sofa, for hours & hours, on a rainy sunday afternoon

-the pleasure of lazy rainy weekend mornings in bed with newspapers & coffee & sex & long conversations.

-the pleasure of going to the cinema on rainy afternoons on your own.

I could go on.

[Note: hhhmm, all my examples seem to involve rainy mornings/afternoons etc. Probably because we've had an appalling rainy week here in London & the difference between rainy days at home WITH 2-YEAR-OLD TODDLER and rainy days at home WITHOUT TODDLER is bitterly obvious to me!]

In my early thirties I came to the conclusion that I didn't want children unless I met the right man. I'd never been crazy on the idea of babies - they didn't look cute to me, but what I did like the idea of, was children's inquisitive minds and creativity, the games and the general fun side of being young. My mother was an unfulfilled bored housewife and used to tell us to avoid having children (charming!). The only positive futuristic 'family' picture I've ever had in my mind was of me with little ones, wandering along a sunny riverbank with a rug and paints and finding a nice sunny spot to play games and paint pictures.

Several men had told me that single woman went 'bonkers' between the ages of 37 and 43 because they were desperate to meet the right man and have the family, and they lost the plot. I didn't want to be the woman who lost the plot. I love travelling, photography and parties in addition to books, scrabble and snoozy sunday afternoons. I decided to reconcile this one before I reached 37 so I formulated an idea of how I might live my mature life should I not have a family and was entirely happy with it.

Well, as it turns out, at 37 I fell very quickly in love with a man I met at a party. As it turned out, he had a son from a former relationship but was very sad that his family would stop there - a part time relationship with his one son. It's hard to explain, but I just woke up one day feeling that I wanted to take the plunge. If I thought about it too hard, it was quite scary, but if I didn't think about it, it just popped into my head as something I would like to do.

And now at 43, with two children (the last at 42) - this is what strikes me the most.

• that I am the luckiest person in the world (and I never felt that way before)
• that I am the tiredest person in the world (it does make me quite a grumpy Fairy Mary at times) - Angeline Jolie I am not at the moment!
• that the first 3 years are the hardest, so in just over a year, I will begin to recapture the parts of my life that make me 'me' and I miss. I never understood why motherhood should undermine confidence but it really can when it knocks you around physically, and your brain turns to mush, and your raison d'etre revolves around nappies, sick and sleep (not yours but theirs).

In short, almost all good things have a price and this is the one you pay.

Loving someone else 'to the stars and back' is a beautiful thing...and that christian saying 'to give is better than to receive' makes more sense to me than it used to. But I never want to be my unhappy mother, so I try to stay sane, try to have fun and try to remember who I am.

It's a killer though, when everyone tells me how lovely my children are. Far better than any job promotion.

While I love my kids I am not a maternal person - no-one tells you how BORING children can be with their constant wants (not talking real needs here but nagging whiny wants), questions etc. I never liked the social side of parenting, never did a sleepover or had big parties etc., didn't get involved at the school gate, didn't do competitive parenting. If truth be told, I like my kids but I generally don't like other peoples', so avoided as much as possible.

I'm glad I have my children - they're now grown up young men and I am very proud of them, but I think I would have been just as happy childless.