Is it all worthwhile??

[noniks]

Hi all
40 yrs old, no kids and never been interested,
however the body clock is ticking louder and I am becoming uneasy about what to do with my future.
Have great life, job, hubby, home and lovely family with godchildren galore.
Something is missing though....and it may be a child,I feel like I have a void in my life.

Thing is that I hear so many great things abou parenting, and everyone says I'd be a natural...but then so many other things about how hard it is, and how you sacrifice so much.....and life is never ever the same

I genuinely don't know what to do....I need honest experienced answers please, please, please.....am tying myself in knots..(sad)

parenthood does suck

its all give give give give give give give give. dull tedious work, stupid voices, crappy toys, everywhere is a mess - muggins has to tidy it

it willg et better when they go to school they say

then theres a whole different world of shit with teachers and book bags and elizabeth is on the red table and your litle tabitha is on the green table - is tabby a nit thick? and hen there is the book bag and the packed lunch and the lunch monitors - dont pack a kitkkat ffs tabby will get shot. then theres the uniform, how expensive is that - bloody how much for a jumper with a school logo that you can only buy from the school?

fuck me, she lost it, 15 quid that jumper and she lost it.
then she loses lunchbox
pe kit
bobbles
favourite toy
OH JOY!! its your turn to have the class plant

you killed it

shit.

then comes secondary school, your angels are lovely, they hug you goodbye as they set of tentatively into teenage world

uniform and lunchbox angst :see above

they then return home that eveing saying 'innit' and slamming doors, they wont eat with you and the teachers ring to tell you that tabby hasn't done homework/brought in PE kit/attended detention for over 3 weeks

you speak to taby about this and doors slam...apparently she doesn't" fucking care mother"
soon she smells and her once beautiful complextion looks like pizza - along with her back.
then she gets PMT and holy shit turns lose but that is nothing compared to the boyfriend with the tatto - he is 15 and she is only 13. and when you try and talk to her she "doesn't fucking care"

then there is all the gcses and she isn't possibly revising enough.
then they go to 6th or college or work.

they tell you it gets better. then they need whole new equipment, certain clothes they can't go looking like that mother, transport costs ( this inparticular is killing me atm)

If i get adults that function it will be a bonus

BUT - does this negate the total utter love of my first post?

NO. there is no love like it

Yes- parenthood is tough but they are amazing so they make up for the responsibility, boredom etc.

Newborns can be boring but as they grow they unfold like little flowers and that is lovely to watch.

Be prepared for lots of hard graft but don't do it if you are happy without kids. I find it amazing and crap in equal measures. Mostly I do feel more fullfilled and happy though.

OK - you're 40. Try and think about how you will feel in 5 years' time when realistically speaking your window will have gone. I speak as a 44 year old non-bio mum of a 20 month old daughter - and as someone, like you, who suddenly thought, 'oh crap, better give it a go'. It didn't work out (I was a bit older than you) biologically for me and mostly I don't regret that - but I do wish I'd given it a go earlier (these things are all individual - my mother struggled to have me at 28! and had no more). Once you decide though, it does become a bit obsessive - it comes to matter more than it currently does.

My partner had DD instead - I adore her, love her, but I am also often frustrated, bored and irritated - admittedly less by DD than all the stuff that goes with - wiping, cleaning, cooking meals that aren't eaten, the fact that having a child impinges on every part of your time, everything is scheduled, you are more stressed etc etc etc. It's hard to sustain a commitment to a career and a commitment to a child without being very disciplined about putting your feelings about each into a box. It's not fair to DD to bring my work preoccupations home and it's not fair to my colleagues and students to bring my preoccupations about what DD is doing/has done/might do to work. This for me is the hardest thing about parenthood.

I think it helps to consider your role: I think I am DD's parent and that my job is to love, nurture and encourage her to fulfil her potential, whatever than might be. I don't in any sense expect gratitude, care in my old age (actually, DD is to be told specifically not to do this), or to feel fulfilled by it all. This is a real upside of late parenthood in my view. I'm babbling - if you don't want to, you probably shouldn't. But you can't guarantee that if you did, and it worked out, that you wouldn't wonder why you didn't do it before. We do - and that's hard because we are now unlikely to have another.

I had dd at 43 via IVF after 8 years ttc. I REALLY wanted a child. But I was also very aware of the impact it would have on my life - and only that really strong desire could possibly make it worth it.

I had a life before dd that is just not possible now and I miss it so much is hurts. I don't at all regret having dd - but it doesn't mean I love my life or don't miss the old life. It comes in waves and every few months peaks in a frenzy of discontent and a feeling of imprisonment.

I had two careers - one is absolutely impossible and the other is circling the toilet drain. Perhaps I could fish it out but I have made a comittment to working PT and frankly, that is professional suicide for many of us.

The big question is how will you feel - will you enjoy your dc enough to make it all worthwhile? I don't think everyone does and I definitley feel the custard. I wanted incompatible things - and I chose dd.

no

yes

no

er

I'm quite overwhelmed at how strongly people have expressed themselves on this thread.. It really does just go to show the power of an anonymous medium..

The honesty people have shown really is admirable, but I can't help but wonder if you've caught a lot of people on a bad day.. Neither here nor in RL do I normally hear people talk of such boredom and entrapment.

I'm probably not having a very good parenting day myself today, actually. I've shouted at my two loads today, right since they woke up .. I'm not feeling very well and it's making me feel bloody sorry for myself that having small children means you are not ¨allowed¨to be unwell.

But am I happier than pre-children? Most definitely. I love my children more than I could have ever imagined.. poor sleepers and messy little gits that they are! They have taught me to see the world through eyes of wonder. They have given me direction. My once frequent existential crises are no more.

Of course I miss having a career, travelling, living spontaneously... But I plan on kicking them out young!

I wonder if things are any clearer to you now, OP?

PeterTong brilliant! ha ha!

My dd was a suprise! I was a career party girl - found out i was pregnant with a g&t in one hand and best pal holding pee stick in the other laughing "oh shit!"

I had just broken up with long term partner...not ideal really. Anyhow i put the g&t down and decided that i was going to be the best mother EVER! I was a single parent for 3 years, i didn't find it that difficult, i didn't miss the partying, i don't have family in this country so no babysitters anyway. I carried on working but only normal 9-5 hrs. Yep, it was tiring but it was great and like ptong said there is no love like it and i am so grateful that mother nature forced her on me as she has been the biggest blessing of my life

Acinonyx has expressed my feelings so well. I too miss my old life and freedom so badly that it does really hurt. Having DC's is not like buying a pair of shoes that you are not quite sure about, taking them home, changing your mind and returning them. Once you make that decision nothing can undo it. And at times I do absolutely regret my decision to have DC's. I love my DC's, they are amazing, beautiful, lovely children, but I hate the lifestyle that accompanies them.

I hate the loss of freedom, particularly travelling and holidays, being restricted to travelling at peak times with peak fares, and not being able to do the type of holiday I previously enjoyed. My career is long gone, having been a SAHM for 7 years (not voluntarily, but due to severe mental and physical ill health triggered by having DC's).

But, when I say I regret having my DC's, the feeling of regret is only ever temporary. Whereas I am sure that if I had chosen not to have DC's, I think it would be a decision I would have regretted every day for the rest of my life.

I love being a mother. I'm 40 and pregnant with number 2 and - to borrow a phrase from a brilliant book I read recently (What Mothers Do - Especially When It Looks Like Nothing) this is the first thing in my life that I've done to the best of my ability. Obviously there are rough days when it's hard (or like today when we're housebound because of plummeting rain) but there has never been a single second when I've wanted to hand DD back. I'm in love with my daughter and I will probably fall in love with my son too.

I've just got one DD (now aged 5) - started relatively late - had her at 37. Wasn't too sure whether to go for it again after having a miscarriage. Hubby really wanted to so we did.

Bad points:

Exhaustion - 24/7 demands made on you. No hour of the day can safely be called your own. You no longer have the luxury of being in bed when you're ill. There are no days off.

Work - if you go part-time you end up doing a full time job in part-time hours. They're not very understanding about the numerous sickness bugs and viruses you need time off for. You end up being unreliable - through no fault of your own. And a lot poorer.

My house is always a mess - even though I tidy up every day. It also looks like a toy shop rather than something from house and garden. My beautiful sofa has yoghurt stains and a big hole in the arm.

Socially - I no longer go out to pubs and nice restaurants with work colleagues or friends. We tend to go to family friendly restaurants for lunch. It's not really any fun as mostly you're just trying to get your DC to behave. Hardly ever go out in the evening. I drink tea with other mums and hope my child won't fall out with theirs or break something.

Good bits:

It's amazing to see a little person like yourself growing and learning and making friends. There's a real sense of pride when you've taught them something new. Seem to give you loads and loads of cuddles and love you unconditionally (well - up to age 5 anyway - don't know beyond then yet).

They're often really funny - we are constantly laughing at my DD's antics and her view of the world.

It's a lovely feeling trying to make her little world a happy one. It does give me a new sense of purpose. All the rubbish I used to worry about is completely unimportant.

I think she has made my life complete - but feel a bit guilty I haven't given her a sibling. Love her more than anything in the world and always will. That's an amazing feeling. Definitely wouldn't be without her.

To sum up - just be prepared to give up a lot of what you used to do and embark on a new way of life. Despite all my moaning, I think it's worth it!

If you think you'll regret having a baby don't do it.
If you think you and your dp/dh relationship won't change in my experience you are wrong. It does big time esp. in the first few weeks.
Even if you think you are selfless when you have a baby you realise you were quite selfish. Baby comes first and thats the end of it.

I love being a mummy, I adore my ds dearly. We get on really well and day to day is fab.

This is probably helped by the fact
-I always wanted to be a mummy
-I am a functioning insominac thus more than 5 hours sleep a night is bliss. So I've never had an issue with ds night waking but then tbh he doesnt really.

• my career is working with children so I knew what I was getting and what I was dealing with. 1 child compared to a whole class is easier for me to deal with.

The downers for me

• I cant go for a fag and a coffee out the backdoor anymore whenever I fancied it.

-No more drinking several bottles of wine and going to bed in the early hours. -I can't drop everything and get on a train for a girlie wkend of boozing and shopping. -Money is spread more thinly.

• People will always have an opinion on what you are doing with the baby and you are always wrong.

To sum up I bloody love it and I am never bored but maybe its not for everyone.

I've got one DS, I've been completely overwhelmed by the love I've felt for him and the upsides completely outweigh the down.

But ... I don't think I want to have a second. I think it would tip me over into the feelings of regret that some others have expressed on this thread.

sometimes i wish i had never had children and instead followed my dream of being a crazy cat lady who lived alone. then my son giggles, or does something amazing, or the baby that dwells in my bump kicks or causes me some form of discomfort and i couldnt be happier. Ultimately its up to you and your husband, its damn hard work, exhausting, you will never stop worrying about them until the day you die and your heart literally breaks if they are ill or are upset about something.

its difficult. i hope you find the answers you're looking for.

I thought I wasn't interested, even up until being actually pregnant, I will thought it might all be a bit of a disaster, and why was I really doing this, other than time was knocking on and I thought well, it's now or never type thing. DH and I got married fast, hadn't even discussed the "kids thing" (yes, really) so I suppose I kind of felt I needed to do it as he was so keen and I was kind of ok, if I must!

HOWEVER, having been the least maternal person on the planet ever for 30+ years, yes it is a sacrifice, a complete life change and everything. Massively hard work and the ultimate responsibility. The early years are very hard - mine are 12 months apart - it nearly killed me.

But it is the greatest thing you will ever do, it is amazing, it is incredible, I still pinch myself 6+ years on that yes, we created these incredible people and nothing else you do in your life, absolutely nothing else, will ever bring you the pride, the joy, the sense of achievement and constant wonder at what you see in your children.

Being a parent is breathtaking, my heart literally fills to burst when I see them. To not have that in my life, at any point, now knowing what that serene all consuming and unconditional love feels like well - I cannot even begin to imagine.

IMHO.

Having my two wonderful babies has totally ripped my life apart, and anything that i recognised about my self has gone, i have no idea who that person is in the mirror, the only thing i do know about her is that i dont like her. The hormonal changes of pregnancy has kick started bipolar (a family thing apparently) ive been anti natally and post natally depressed, social phobic with ocd and anxiety. its been fucking hell. all this whilst smilling along to something special and makatoning my arse off. ive been bouncing between mood stabilizers and anti depressants ever since. Its been a quite miserable experience on the whole that i wouldnt recommend to anyone.

I dont feel any of this wonder or world through new eyes or magical anything. i just feel tired and bored and trapped and lonely. But mostly guilty that i feel that way. so i spend every second with my two and playing and singing and dancing and trying to be 'normal' in front of them. I do this so well that it actually makes me ill-er! marvelous. Except for the shouting, i shout too much, i hate myself for that.

However, i had no idea this would happen when we decided to try for children. sometimes i wish id never had them, sometimes i want to leave it all. most of the time i know thats the illness and not 'me'. i am getting better, things are getting better. Id like to think my two are happy, they seem it. Ive worked hard not to effect them.

And the love you feel is immense, but i dont think thats enough.

thats more miserable than i ment it, i am looking forward to next year and how much better it will be, i do enjoy lots of things with them...its just not what i thought i spose but more about me than them..

One other thought. A couple of years ago I read that in a survey of 60 year old women those who had chosen not to have children rated themselves as happy as those who had.

The category who were significantly less happy were those who had wanted children but who hadn't had them.

I've got friends who've decided not to have children who seem to have very fulfilled lives.

Wow. Some of the responses on here are gut-wrenchingly honest, kind of amazing.

I am a newbie at this parenting lark (10 month old son) and I was in my 30's having him.

I don't miss anything, or want anything to be different or feel entrapped or wish I had my old life back. Sometimes I wish he'd sleep better and at the moment he has a habit of wacking me in the face sometimes when he feeds (which is my first experience of being irritated by his actions) but I don't feel bored and I can't imagine feeling bored from this vantage point?

I suppose it depends what you find interesting. My "real life" job is about child development so apart from the usual mum-love, I find it intellectually fascinating to see this little person unfold in front of me. I won't say I find wiping his arse utterly fulfilling, no more than I find wiping my own.. but to me, it's on a par: it's just something that you do, there's not a lot of point thinking about some of the dull bits, because whatever other path you choose will have dull bits galore too..

It also depends what you are giving up. I didn't have a party lifestyle or amazing holidays: I had work. Work, work, work. I was so wrapped up in office politics and waging minor battles about molehills that I thought were mountains that I find I look back and just shake my head with wonder. What was I at? It was all so stupidly, pointlessly stressful and there was virtually no reward (other than the cash in my pocket).

Having him has put a new spin on my life in a way I didn't imagine possible. Dh and I have had a (normally) rough first year with a baby who was slow to gain weight and a screaming non-sleeper to boot (not unrelated). But we've pulled together hugely and so far, I have hope that we can do this thing with smiles on our faces. I can still look at this little person for hours. The shape of his eyes, the fat wrinkles on his ankles, the extreme joy he experiences when he bangs two items together or explores another facet of this world that is new to him: it is indescribable. When it's the normal parenting struggle (e.g. disclaimer here for single parenthood, kids with SN, mental health issues etc), I don't think it's any harder than anything else I've ever done.. even when it is. It's just life. Some days you want to last forever, others you wish would just hurry along thank you very much. But to me, it's amazing... so far, anyway!

I was 37 before having children.
DH and I had been together for 19 years but never particularly wanted children.I had never had the slightest maternal twinge, not one.

The clock was ticking and we sat down and decided to make a firm decision whether to have children or not.
We went for a yes as we feared a lifetime of regret when it was too late. I was convinced I wouldn't conceive as I'd never had a scare in 20 years. I was pregnant within a month.I spent nine months in terror that I wouldn't love the baby. I was also disgustingly sick for nine months.

All those fears evaporated within seconds of his birth. I never in a million years expected the volume of emotion and love that having a child would bring. Two years later DS2 was born. My only regret was not doing this sooner as I would have had more.

The bad? Hard work and lack of sleep for years and years.
DH and I were an old married couple and were comfortable to put ourselves and our needs very low on the list of priorities. Also being older we were financially secure which should not be underestimated.

i had an unplanned baby 6 months ago, and i would not change it for the world. admitedly i am in my 20s, but i had to give up a great job that could have 'been the making of me'. however broke i am now, and however little sleep i had at first, and however little i see all my childless friends who are all free to go out whenever, i know i made the right choice. everyone is different, only you can know. but chances are the love you feel for your child will out weigh any doubts.

I had my first at 39, dh and I said we wouldn't bother....but I had a sinking feeling that something would be missing, if it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have gone ahead.

So I went ahead, even though we miss not being able to go out for a weekend/Saturday evening/long walks/less money, I couldn't imagine life without my dc, I find being a mum incredibly fulfilling - they make me laugh every day, at the moment giggling away together...before they have their next argument!

Children are optional. If something is missing it may just be a rut or not being creative enough, no travelling enough or doing good. Life can be a treadmill of work, home, social and shopping and what is it all for?

With a child it becomes even more boring and more of a treadmill - routines, long hours and relentless parenting and obsessiveness with poo. But these vanity projects or life style accessories are incredibly rewarding as well. The also in some people's eyes give more respectability and convention. You become part of the 'mommy and me club'.

You know doubt have heard there is no regret. Women often say they hate their life but they love their kids and wouldn't trade them for the world.

Without kids you can be just as happy but you may have to take up pottery and get out more. ;-)

Wow, these posts are amazing!

It's not for everyone, parenting. I guess you have to come down on, is it for you? Because only you know for sure. I love being a mom, have always wanted to, had DS at 24, etc, etc. But that's me and those are my choices.

I think what helps the most is to remember that you don't have to fit into a certain mold no matter what you decide. Having a child does not mean you need to give up on a career, nights out with friends, travel and so on. You can be you, just you with a child. You won't be the same, of course, but you can have some semblance of your life the same way you had it before. I do, and I don't have any money for nannies, etc, so it can be done!

I had a rough pregnancy (PND) and for the first four months of DS's life it was very "what have I done, this is awful," and so on, but after the initial adjustment it's been lovely and I wouldn't/couldn't want anything else.

I totally loved the early years.

Once they started school, I have to say, I loved it less.

Don't like the external interference/friend issues/ other parents bollocksy arsework.

Would have been a much better parent about 200 years ago when none of that shit mattered.

My lads are still my best friends/biggest antogonists though. And nobody - NOBODY - makes me laugh like they do.

Make of that what you will.

What the fuck is an antogonist.

They are antagonists.

And that still sounds like pretentious bollocks.

And I love Peter Tong.

And Mamsnet? Sorry, but people tend to be more honest when anonymous..