Is it all worthwhile??

[noniks]

Hi all
40 yrs old, no kids and never been interested,
however the body clock is ticking louder and I am becoming uneasy about what to do with my future.
Have great life, job, hubby, home and lovely family with godchildren galore.
Something is missing though....and it may be a child,I feel like I have a void in my life.

Thing is that I hear so many great things abou parenting, and everyone says I'd be a natural...but then so many other things about how hard it is, and how you sacrifice so much.....and life is never ever the same

I genuinely don't know what to do....I need honest experienced answers please, please, please.....am tying myself in knots..(sad)

I think actually it's one of those things it's impossible to get right without hindsight.

If you don't have kids you will always wonder what your life could have been like.

If you do have kids you know damn well what your life could have been like but it's too late now!

Maybe just bin the contraception and see what happens? Leave it up to fate!

I suppose, just as some people never find a partner to cohabit with or marry, and don't regret it, some people wsho have found someone won't want kids anddon't regret that. Some friends of my parents fall into this category and afaik are at peace witnh their decision as they egdge towards old age.

I had dd1 at 25 and had few maternal leanings before she was concieved... let's just say she was serendipitous! For me, falling pregnant and giong through that transformation was what gave me my maternal yearnings; sounds back to front, i know. It's a risky game though. If you are spending a fair amount of time with your godchildren and absolutely never think , even momentarily 'i want one' then maybe you should listen to that and not give in to peer pressure. After all, when it's your kids you can't give 'em back.

this thread is making me cry, i should add

right, time to actually go and do some parenting instead of leaving my 8mo eating paper on the floor! FYI The addiction of mumsnet is both the answer to and cause of many parenting problems!

I had my one only at 45 (very nearly 46) after several years of miscarriages. I don't regret it for a moment. When I was younger I did not want kids, but after remarrying at 40, to a man who already had two kids and adored them (and having them come to live with us), I was talked around to the idea. The 5 years of unsuccessful trying gave me a different perspective and I began to really long for a baby. I am so glad I perservered.

Having said that, I don't believe I could have coped with being a SAHM, it just would have not been something I could do. I went back to work when DS was 3 months and DH and a nanny share care of him during the week. I look forward to the weekends so much although they are far more difficult and tiring than being at work!

I had my one only at 45 (very nearly 46) after several years of miscarriages. I don't regret it for a moment. When I was younger I did not want kids, but after remarrying at 40, to a man who already had two kids and adored them (and having them come to live with us), I was talked around to the idea. The 5 years of unsuccessful trying gave me a different perspective and I began to really long for a baby. I am so glad I perservered.

Having said that, I don't believe I could have coped with being a SAHM, it just would have not been something I could do. I went back to work when DS was 3 months and DH and a nanny share care of him during the week. I look forward to the weekends so much although they are far more difficult and tiring than being at work!

i think you really need to think about the nature of the void that you feel, op. because if it isn't for a child, then having a child, which is completely overwhelming and frankly, fucks your life as you have known it right up, probably won't fill it.

as everybody else has indicated, it is an absolute grind for the first couple of years, really wearing on your sense of self and on your relationship. it may be that you have sufficient resources to mitigate against this a bit, but it will still be pretty tough.

if you do think it's a child that you are missing, then chuck out your contraception and see what happens. i have found motherhood absurdly stressful - but i am as somebody pointed out further up the thread, a bit introverted and am really missing regular down time. not even for a second would i be without dd, though. i wasn't aware that it was actually possible to love someone as much as i love her. it's almost disturbing

i even find myself not regretting decisions i took years ago that i have always regretted, because if i had done things differently, i wouldn't have dd. and i have also found that her presence has been quite a spur to get on with doing what i want to do with my life, because i want her to know that i am a person and not just mum, and bizarrely, i would like her to be proud of me. (i appreciate that might be a bit weird though and related to my relationship with my own mother)

Sorry about that, blackbery somehow caused duplication

how do you see yourself in 20/30 years time? Could you imagine getting to your parents' age and not having children/grandchildren? For me thinking about it like that made me realise i couldn't imagine a life without kids.

FWIW, i think having one child is not that hard, once you get through the baby bit. We were getting back to our old life by the time DD1 was 2, she slept well, we had a nice little routine. Of course DD2 has thrown our life into chaos again now, but i wouldn't have it any other way,she is perfect and adorable in every way.

Agree with the posters who say you will never know love like it, for that alone it is worth it.

You go for it. Have a baby, they are hard work but the pride and pleasure in seeing them achieve is immeasurable.
I was 30 and 33 having my 2 kids. They are both at Uni now and Something is missing in my life now.....my kids!!!!

I am in my late thirties with first baby.
I never really was gaga about them or thought that I would be sad if I ddin't have one.
I detested every minute of being pregnant as it physically nailed me.
I can honestly say I fell insanely in love the moment she was out and have felt more happiness on a dailt basis in the last three months than I would have felt ever before.
It's totally anxiety inducing but it's worth it.
She is three months old and I would love to be pregnant again right now, even though I know how much it sucks.

Only you can decide.

Quite surprised at some posts about disliking motherhood. Not something i have come across before.

I am under 40, have a DS aged 3. I had a career, very good job, still have but only 4 days a week. DS thrives in nursery, and i get to be me not mummy at work. Yes its a juggling act, yes i am a lot more stressed than before, yes it takes organising - IS IT WORTH IT? Absolutely without a doubt YES!

I never wanted children, then when my sister conceived it made me desparately want one! I am even more desparate now having just MC my everlonged-for number 2 bean.

When you hold that bundle in your arm, there is no other love like it. I am not especially earth mother.... but he is the reason for my existence.

Oh wow, thank you so much for this thread. I was starting to feel down thinking I was the only one crumbling under the pressure of two DSs 18 months apart.

But now I realise it is normal to love your DC but despise the stuff that goes with that. I'd like to go back to work and earn money but the thought of someone else being with them instead of me is driving me mad.

I think the parents I know who seem to have the best balance are where the mum works part time.

Good luck op, a hard decision but grass is always greener. I would never change the clock!

I am loving being a mother to my 13 year old DD. It's my favourite part of motherhood for me by far and think it will get even better. I love that she's a little adult and is clever, opionated and funny. I love that we go out for lunch and have interesting discussions about books and films.

But, I really struggled through most of the younger years. I loved her to distraction and would have died for her in a second, but I just found it all so fucking tedious and restricting.

I don't want a second child, one is definitely enough for me. And although I would definitely do the same again, I am quite looking forward to her going off to Uni and me being in early 40s.

Also, go and read the labia thread.

The change in my body (all of it) post birth, horrified and disgusted me. But maybe i have hang ups.

I think the OP has either gone away for some SWI or ran screaming for the hills !!

Even if you have kids you will still have a 'void' in your life - only you'll be too tired to notice it! It will change you for the better and for the worse, the highs will feel much higher and lows much lower. As has been said before, everyone's experience is different, but if you go into it aiming to look after yourself too you should be alright!.

I have two little girls and would never have it any other way. I HATED the first year of no.1 as it was boring and tiring, I didn't know anyone and there's no getting off, but now when I'm laughing with (at?) my gorgeous five year old, I wonder how I ever lived without her and my baby friends are my best friends. Having children fulfils an ancient need - being wanted and needed and loved so much is wonderful, but of course it can at times feel suffocating.

But as they get a little older, it is so much fun! They make you laugh every day and make your heart burst with pride in a way you'd never feel about anyone else, plus you get to see the world again through different eyes (admitedly seeing those toddler groups over and over again is dull as ditchwater, but at least you get to have a coffee!) You'll become a cook, artist, gym coach, teacher, orienteerer, counsellor etc etc and learn loads yourself.

It will change your relationship, but not always for the worst - it is great seeing your partner adjust to a caring role and seeing them love your little ones as much as you do - you get loads more respect for them (although my husband left me after no.2... and the girls were incredible, I would never have got through it so well without them). Although he is back home and we are happy, I still see my unit as me and the girls, then him. I guess I'm saying you will never experience a tie as strong as between you and your children.

But that's my experience - I always say regret what you don't do not what you do.

You don't say how much family support you would have or how a child would affect finances - I think these factors influence your ability to enjoy parenthood massively.

Anyway, I'm killing time at work, good luck with whatever you do....

I won't be able to give you advice. However, I was 41 when I had my dd and did not have family living nearby to help out now and then. It is tiring - it is tough without family nearby. Also, I had a great career which is now gone suffice to say, no way I could combine it with my dd, I would simply never see her. So, quit my job, huge huge drop in household income as a result obviously.

I hadn't really thought these things through very well in advance, I always thought I could combine career and child. So maybe also keep that in mind, how would you do it? Would you give up the job? If not, how would you make both work, childcare can be expensive/not very good/really hit and miss. And young children are no doubt best of with a parent/close family member especially in the early years. There is more and more evidence about this. So would you be able to afford it/downsizing if necessary.

Not sure if this is any help at all.
I have quite a few friends who don't have children, are very happy, have several holidays a year, god children, etc. But don't get me wrong, I love my dd dearly and would not have changed my decision to have her even if I had known how difficult it would be.

Is it all worthwhile? I don't know, I certainly hope so..I would be pretty pissed off to discover 20 years or so down the line that it wasn't.

It is certainly very hard currently. I have 2 DS's, they are 3 and 18 months.

I have spent a fair bit of time today with my head in my hands wailing 'This is torture, just TORTURE', whilst they trash my house downstairs.

That's my experience though, I'm hoping it improves.

I do have the occasional good day [grin's maniacally]

I'm 39 and became a first time mum by proxy (complicated)3 years ago to a DD who's now 5. It has taken over my life and I bloody love it!
I don't understand why people do it if they don't want their life to change. What's the point if you don't throw yourself into it? You are old enough not to miss what you're missing too much- for 10 years or so.

My DD was part of a package with my DP, but if she hadn't been, would I have decided to have a baby? I dunno. I am similarly wondering whether to have another, with no real biological urge like you, and having never given birth its a weird situation to be in. Three main reasons for not going ahead - one, there are too many of us on the planet already and I worry a bit about what's in store for DD. Two, uncertainty over mine and DPs relationship (3 yrs in!) and Three, I quite like my body the way it is and I'm terrified of pregnancy and childbirth. If none of those 3 are an issue for you and you feel a void - go for it! I did used to think something was missing (i didn't really enjoy that saturday morning what shall we do this weekend to fill our time feeling) and I never do now, life is SO full!

BUT there are other things I could have got more involved in - and would now if I had the time. Y'know, campaigning for a better world and all that.

If you do want to do this, have you considered adoption, or fostering? if you have a nurturing side but no biological urge maybe that would be right for you. It isn't easy by all accounts though.

whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for where you are now. Try not to worry about 'what if i change my mind when it's too late?' you can't make decisions based on what you might feel.loads of things that happen in life you have no control over, only recently have we really been able to control this one. so make it on how you feel now, and live with it!

good luck.

Something that I think too (and someone might have brought this up; I haven't had time to read all the responses since I last wrote) is that you get to make your own kind of family. When I was a child I always wanted a big, close extended family that did lots of things together, and that wasn't what I had. We loved each other very much, but it just wasn't the way things were. (long story) But now I'm creating that kind of family for my DS, and it feels good. I'm in a different role than I always wanted, but it feels wonderful. (Of course DS will probably grow up wishing he had a small urban family or something :o)

This is a lovely thread, hope it helps you OP. I'm 34, with an 11-month old DS and 9 weeks into pregnancy number 2.

Motherhood as an experience is different for every woman who goes through it, but it's not until you become pregnant that the realities of the institution of motherhood will also become alive to you.

Before children, you never need to genuinely invest in issues like working vs. stay-at-home mums, the government's attitude to childcare provision, state-run vs. private education. Then there's healthcare, finance and your personal relationships. Long-standing friends may vanish, maybe permanently. New friendships will blossom in the blink of an eye. At the centre of all this your own identity will be forever indelibly stamped with 'mother'. This may make you the happiest, proudest, most complete version of yourself you have ever known, while at the same time, it will reduce you to little more than a baked bean stain on the carpet in the eyes of many other people (who will not feel the need to get to know you before judging you, incidentally).

I adore being a mother. It is a wonderful privilege to nurture a growing human being and teach them about the world. It's much harder than I could have realised, but for me, it is immensely rewarding. It has also transported me right back to my student days when the personal truly was political.

I think other posters advising counselling before making a decision are wise. I would also recommend keeping a diary for a while - focus on writing about what your days are like at the moment. What aspects of your life give you fulfilment? Do you have supportive friends and family. Do you enjoy travel and doing things a moment's notice? Do you enjoy lunching in peace?! Encourage your partner to share their thoughts too - and be honest with each other. I will be forever grateful to two friends who allowed me to spend several days with their babies and toddlers before I became pregnant. A small insight into life with children, but most valuable. Good luck!

@Catdoctor, that sounds really really tough. 11 weeks is early days - and you may have postnatal depression of some sorts. xxxx
By the way, Noniks, I had my first child at 38 and my second at 40. I also had four miscarriages - which has made me more deeply grateful for my kids than I might otherwise have been. I knew I wanted them (desperately) and that I wouldn't have been happy without them - now I feel very completed by family life (boring, tough and stressful though it can be). My best friend felt pretty much like you do, and has spent the years between 38 and 44 in agonies about whether to have a child or not (complicated by a bad relationship). She has relaxed a lot over the last year and seems much happier again. I think biology does kick in, and once you are in your mid-40s you can come to terms with childlessness more easily - and enjoy the freedom it gives you. An old family friend in her 60s (one child) said that all the couples she knows without children look younger, have better lives and are much richer!

Noniks, how about your partner? Does he want a baby?

The poster who said you have never and will never feel love for anyone like you feel for your child was spot on. People told me this before I had my ds. I thought, no, no, I love dh more than anything. But they were right. Out of this world love for my ds. I couldn't have even imagined it before having him.

Go for it :) If you both want a dc.

I'm a mum to a 1yo DD. I can honestly say the last year has been the easiest I've had as an adult (I'm 34).

Noniks: what do you do for your career? You may find that taking a break to have a baby is like a sabbatical. I've found it HUGELY relaxing and pleasurable compared to my career (City lawyer). My hard work and sleepless nights have been much more rewarding.

I've needed to stay active for my own sanity so I sold our home, bought a house which needs renovation, planned the renovation, done various photographic projects (my hobby) and got myself a personal trainer - it's been the best year ever as I've enriched myself in many ways, not only by being a mother.

I have lovely NCT friends but I make sure I don't spend all day everyday competing discussing the latest baby developments. When I talk about it i enjoy it but I do other things too so i don't become a bore (in my own eyes).

For years I said I wasn't going to have babies and that I was going to have exotic holidays, designer labels and cosmetic surgery instead. DD is like the most rewarding project I've ever worked on and it's just going to get better. I'll still manage to do the other stuff if I really want to!

Like most things in life being a parent is what you make of it.

Hello again - this thread's gone bonkers -all v interesting. Thank-you for concerns sent my way re PND - I've been depressed previously and am well aware of the feelings - I'm not depressed now, I'm sure - I'm just pissed off!

Things that have occured to me - as touched on by several poeple - there is a conspiracy of silence re child-birth but more tellingly also re motherhood - as several have said, the ultimate taboo is to articulate this. Anyway, babba comes first so I'm sure for all posters here, will never believe anything other than complete devotion from Ma.

I'll throw something else in to Noniks - despie my moaning I do think frequently of how nice it would be to have a girl baby! Make of that what you will!!