Is it all worthwhile??

[noniks]

Hi all
40 yrs old, no kids and never been interested,
however the body clock is ticking louder and I am becoming uneasy about what to do with my future.
Have great life, job, hubby, home and lovely family with godchildren galore.
Something is missing though....and it may be a child,I feel like I have a void in my life.

Thing is that I hear so many great things abou parenting, and everyone says I'd be a natural...but then so many other things about how hard it is, and how you sacrifice so much.....and life is never ever the same

I genuinely don't know what to do....I need honest experienced answers please, please, please.....am tying myself in knots..(sad)

To me there is nothing like it in the world. Now I have started I just want to have more and more and wished I had enough money for 6! I am baby and child crazy though and work with them as well as have 1 of my own (hopefully one day get to have a couple more).

Its up to you though and is to bigger a decision for someone else to make for you.

I think if you don't know what the void is it probably isn't children you are missing but I could be wrong. Go and have some good counselling/life coaching to get a better sense of what the void might be.
going for kids at 40 is doable but there are big risks in terms of not succeeding and having miscarriages and of having a child with disabilities so I think you want to check out you know your void first.

catdoctor it does get better! but do you need to check you don't have post natal depression? worth a chat to a good gp/ health visitor

Life isn't the same, your spare cash isn't yours it's the child's, your spare time isn't yours it's the child's, your sleep time isn't yours its etc etc.

Having said that you don't mind in the way that you would for (practically) any other reason, so it kind of cancels itself out!

For me, out of the many and usual reasons was that I'd kind of done "myself" to death, I'd partied, travelled, beautified, slept, spent etc. all on myself. It started to feel a bit shallow and I couldn't see myself still getting that overexcited about shoes aged 55 as I did aged 25.

Don't get me wrong, I still love a great pair of shoes but shoes are shoes are shoes, at the end of the day, there'll always be more on the shelves, but there wouldn't always be another chance to have a child. IYSWIM.

Oh god. I love this thread.
Nonik, I don't think I can say anything that would add to all the brilliant posts here.

I love my seven month old son in a way that scares that me. When he smiles or laughs and is completley consumed with joy I think 'I did that. For this moment in time, I have made another person's world perfect.' And I love that. Sadly, I also know that all this will change soon as he grows, but I am not quite sure how.

HOWEVER, the reason I love this thread is because it strikes me as honest in a way that is simply not normally socially acceptable. In fact, it is, in the vast vast majority of social settings simply taboo.

It is knackering, unforgiving and unrelenting (and unpaid). There is no way out. I am only slowly now becoming reconcilled to the fact that my old life is completley gone and I cannot ever claim it back. There are many days when that amazing feeling I started out by describing only lasts a fleeing few seconds. But, for all this, I am pretty sure that if a fairy godmother offered me the chance to turn back the clock and decide to remain childless, I would choose my son again.

Drivingmisscrazy: "A lot of women of my mother's generation had children because it was expected of them and it really didn't suit them, fulfill them or bring them the social cachet they wanted - and then their children grew up, left and [were] availed of all the opportunities that they had been denied."

Totally. My mother was one of these. The resentment shone through brightly from day one and has grown stronger and stronger over the years. Every single thing she's ever done for us has felt like a slap in the face because it has always come with a story about she didn't have this so we should be grateful.

If you're not sure, for god's sake don't do it. It's not like the world needs more people in it anyway.

I have noticed that a striking number of the posters who are finding things to be magical have only 1 young child. I was the same with 1, more tired out with 2 and seem to have lost all sense of self with 3.
Obviously love them utterly but life is an arduous slog (mentally, physically, spiritually, socially, financially etc etc) and I fear it will just get worse.

I don't know what to say to you, there is no answer I guess, only within you.

I was mid-30s, enjoyed life with dp, but 10 years in there was a certain repetitiveness to work and felt I needed a break, whilst enjoying my job, holidays in similar sorts of places (that I really enjoyed), social life had calmed down as friends mature, move away etc.

I thought I wanted something to give a meaning to the time passing by, to remember the holidays by when dc was one, six, thirteen, to break up the career a bit, and I started to get teary when I saw babies on television.

So we went for it, got pregnant at 36 first time of not even really trying yet. And yes, it was hard, so hard in fact I'm not seriously contemplating another. But it was worth it. I found I had depths of patience I didn't know I had, which made it possible. I had a little person who needed me, and I love it.

I went back to work part-time when she was 12 months old. Part-time is fab, can't recommend it enough. But I am lucky, I have a flexible understanding boss, a job I enjoy that everyone understands I can only do half of compared to what I did before.

DP - now there is another story. He really found it hard, it is a total change to the way you live. He had a (partly work related, partly baby related) "episode" can't think of another word, when he couldn't go back to work after holiday for a week or two. And as I said above I put my all into the mothering thing - there wasn't a lot left for dp. Luckily he is a fantastic person and after 10 years together (now 14) he can take the long view. I am incredibly lucky.

So that's my story which probably isn't what you need! Good luck with the your choise.

It sounds to me like you'll regret it if you don't.

But don't take too long deciding... tick tock!

What an amazing thread - have spent the last couple of hours just thinking about this. So busy running around DS that I don't often get to think big thoughts about how my life has changed.

Sooo to add my two penniworth: DS was very much wanted, mainly just an instinct but also the feeling of emptiness / futility that others have described. I certainly had some regrets in the early months, which were hideous, but once we got through DS's colic/reflux/whatever it all became much better, and I can honestly say that I haven't once regretted it since and I love DS to bits - and am awaiting imminent arrival of DS2.

However there are many, many times when I feel bored, frustrated, tired, and as others have said, very constrained in the way my life is now. And yes, it is career destructive unless you take the tough decision to go back full time.

One thing I would say is that SO much depends on what kind of support network you have. Does DH have a job where he could get home at 5.30 every day or will he be out till 8 or 9 (like my DH...?). Do you have family or very close friends who you could just call up and get to come over to take over if you are feeling fed up, or to do some last minute babysitting? Or failing that do you have the money for a nanny or for regular evening babysitting?

We don't really have any of the above so our social life is s**t because we can't face forking out 40 quid for someone to come and watch TV at our house just so we can go for dinner or watch a movie. Hence endless nights in front of the TV/DVD... pretty dull. And it's hard to really get a proper break, which I crave.

Having said all that, DS really is wonderful and if I had my time again I would absolutely definitely make the same decision - though I probably wouldn't buy the Gina Ford book but that's a different story...

I love being a mother. But it drives me insane.

Don't do it. If you're not 100% sure, I'd say don't go there.

"though I probably wouldn't buy the Gina Ford book but that's a different story...", lol.

moto yes, I have a feeling I was describing my mum there! and yes, she still dumps it on me, but then decided to add in 'depriving' her of grandchildren (DD is not my biological child, which really mattered to my mum - although DD is working on her...). I do think that there are women who are simply driven to have children - it's almost a primal thing for them, and there are others who might not bother were it not for social expectation, and others again who don't have that maternal drive at all. Discovering which one you are is easy if you are in the first category and can be a right bugger if you're in the other 2.

I think DP and I did feel that we were 'done' with partying, drinking, mucking about - but I am glad that we did it, that we made an active choice to have DD and when things don't go swimmingly (e.g. most of the time) we know that we made this decision and its our responsibility to stand by the result come what may. And I love my daughter to bits - and to clarify, any chafing at the restrictions is to do with the role (and all its associated wiping, social complexities with other parents - am anticipating this being tough, at times, for us, organising, laundry, minding, cleaning etc) and never ever conflated with my child - and I think that's an important distinction.

It's a really difficult one - I'd say, if you're not 100% then don't. I've never been maternal, but knew that my DH really wanted kids, and wondered if I'd regret it. So we decided to leave it to fate. Whereas I think you should really, really WANT to change your life.

At the moment I do regret it - yes, my DS is only 9 months, but if I could turn the clock back I wouldn't have him. I spent a long car journey the other week trying to work out if there was any way to go back to my life as it was before.

I personally find that the downsides are overwhelming - no money, no spontaneity, no freedom, constant obsession with mind-numbing small detail (have they eaten/slept enough, when do they need to eat/sleep again). I've completely fucked my career, wasted thousands of pounds of savings to stay home on maternity leave while still paying my share of the bills, and I'm not really very good at being a mother (this evening, when he was not eating, I seriously considered emptying his water over his head to stop him faffing with it - not good).

I know there are supposed to be these overwhelming rushes of love - and I know it's not his fault - but I really don't think an occasional smile compensates for the negatives. You've got to really be properly committed to a new life to make up for it.

Imagine all the stuff you really enjoy doing now, and then imagine that you can never do any of it again because you can't afford the money/time/energy - is it worth it?

IMO I think it is worthwhile, it gives you a purpose and a meaning IYSWIM.

However, that said, I spend an awful lot of time feeling like a crap mum (shout too much, lack patience, easily bored). I love them so much but they drive me CRAZY!

Sometimes I feel so lucky. However, a lot of the time I clock watch until the next unexciting part of the day! 'Oh look' only 30 minutes til lunch!' or 'Bloody hell its 2pm and I haven't lost my rag yet!', 'Only 10 minutes til tea, then its telly time and bath time, and then its ME TIME - woohoo!'.

I'm sure it makes a difference if you get to have regular breaks and have family close by.

But after all that, I couldn't imagine NOT having the DCs and I hope beyond hope that they grow up to be healthy and happy more than anything in the world.

My advice would be not to overthink things. Talk to your DH but don't drive yourself mad analysing things.

Can totally relate to that clock watching!

What sort of support do you have, OP? My ILs live close by so we never have to hire babysitters, which makes it easier to go out for the evening, etc.

I am surprised by this idea of children filling a void... I had them because my life felt full of things that I wanted to share with my children.

schulte - I like that approach :) I don't get the filling the void thing either - as I said further up, my job is to help DD to make the very best of her abilities and talents, to manage her shortcomings and to live her own life. This means that in about 18 years, she will leave and while she will always be my daughter and I will always love her, she won't be at the centre of my day and my life in the way that she is now.

Sorry Noniks, this may be the most unhelpful post ever, but the fact is you're unlikely to know what to do until you've already done it. Because no-one's experience of having children is the same, and no-one knows how they're going to feel about being a mother until they become one.

When I decided to have DS (aged 31), I had a pretty high-flying career and a great lifestyle (lovely DH, great holidays, lots of material indulgences). I had never wanted kids, and neither had DH. But it suddenly struck me that nothing in my life (apart from DH) really satisfied me in a deep-down way. I would sit there on a Sunday night and think to myself 'but what does it all mean', and I suddenly realised that only moments that brought me the kind of real satisfaction I was looking for were incredibly few and far between. And I got a bee in my bonnet that the answer must be having a baby. DH was pretty unimpressed - he still didn't want kids - but in the end he decided that my (sudden) desire to have children was greater than his desire not to.

So, we took a massive gamble and went ahead. And in our case, it massively paid off. I have a wonderful DS of 3 and a newborn baby of 6 weeks. I gave up the high-flying career to be a SAHM and I absolutely love it. I no longer ever have those Sunday night 'what does it all mean' thoughts, because my children provide all the answers I need. Everyone I know was stunned when I 'gave it all up' to be a mum, but I've never looked back. BUT I'm very aware that it could have gone very differently. I might have hated being a mum, and in lots of ways my decision was a very selfish one, because it could have been dreadful for my child(ren) if that had happened. (Incidentally, my DH adores our children as well. I think he misses our old life more than I do, but he still wouldn't go back.)

So, in the end I think it's almost impossible to make an 'informed' decision. Even on a practical level, because everyone is different. In some people's eyes I 'sacrificed' loads of things to become a SAHM: we have no disposable income so we never really go out and we can't afford indulgences; we haven't had a family holiday since DS was born; I get almost no time to myself whatsoever because I'm a full time mum (the odd morning off here and there before DS2 was born, but unlikely to happen again for several months now). But I don't really give a monkeys about any of that, because I've discovered that I love being at home with my children most of the time, and I'm actually reasonably domestic. (Obviously I do miss some things - main ones are probably holidays and days out with DH, pottering around an art gallery or something; though we have managed a couple of weekend city breaks on our own since DS1 was born, which have kept me sane.) But other mums I know choose to have totally different lifestyles: they work full time so have lots of time to themselves (or at least lots of 'adult' time); they maintain their disposable income so they can afford holidays abroad and nannies or babysitters. They couldn't bear my lifestyle and I couldn't bear theirs - but the point is, you do get to choose how you want to manage your life, to some extent.

As I said, not terribly helpful, because however much you try to imagine what life will be like and how you'll feel, it's almost impossible. Though the one thing that is true for every parent is that it is a completely full time responsibility. Even if you work out of home full time, you NEVER switch off from being a parent, not for a single waking second, probably for the rest of your life.

God. I've been TTC for 8 months and occasionally have a wobble about it. Do I really want it? Do I only want it because everyone else seems to have? Will I be crap? Will I resent them? Say my child doesn't like me? Etc etc etc Having read this, I'm even more undecided yet my biological clock is ticking deafeningly away.

I was you! see this thread..
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/113982-whether-to-have-children
now I have 2 kids and my life is totaly different- I don't regret it (love my kids more than anything) BUT...
I did see counsellor to work out what all the procrastinating was about. More to do with what happened in my own childhood really. Si itt depends, if you've got nothing bubbling in your past then maybe you just don't fancy it? (

when they are little the seconds drag by, but the years fly

I hit my 34th birthday a couple of months before an unplanned pregnancy. On that birthday I was happily single with no prospects on the horizon and confronted the idea of a future without husband or children. It didn't bother me at all. It wasn't important to me to have children. I wasn't the most maternal of baby loving person on the planet.

So I got pregnant. I carried on, and it was awful to be honest. But I carried on because I did not want to have an abortion. People were happy for me, my parents were overjoyed and the pregnancy was easy. But I'd be lying if I said I embraced my new future with open arms.

When they placed my newborn son upon my chest I was overwhelmed by the love I felt for him. I surprised myself and a lot of my friends and family by embracing motherhood. I'm a SAHM, a single parent. It isn't all rosy and it isn't easy every day. But for me, it's wonderful. I'm really glad I got knocked up! DS is 2 now.

You have a lot of varied responses to your question, OP, but ultimately you may never know what it will be like for you until it happens. I love it more than anything but other people have been honest enough to reveal that they don't. It's a risk you'll have to take should you decide to have children.

Just to counteract FoF, I had a career and never wanted kids and believed DH felt the same, but on our first wedding anniversary he declared he'd changed his mind and thought we should try. I initially felt cheated we'd been together 9 years and had the same plans up until that point, but eventually I agreed to try for twelve months until I was 40. On the basis that if it didn't happen naturally it wasn't meant to be, I wouldn't do IVF etc. Mainly based on the fact I had a number of friends who had spent years TTC and failed, that plus the fact I'd been on the pill for 20 years without a break, I figured there was no way I'd end up pregnant, it was worth the risk and kept hubby happy. As you can guess two months later there's a blue line and it was tricky to hide my horror. Anyway long story short, four years later it was the best thing I?ve ever done. Life has changed massively, it has been hard/exhausting/taxing at times but mainly fun, entertaining and rewarding. I returned to work when ds was six months and my career which was once my life, now just feels like a job that gets in the way of family life. We?ve parted since DS came along but I prefer spending weekends with him, not in bed recovering. Now a great night is dinner with friends and the odd boogie but family life adds up to so much more than its component parts, I?m happier now than ever before.

I would never have chosen this path, but do I regret it, not a chance!