Is it all worthwhile??

[noniks]

Hi all
40 yrs old, no kids and never been interested,
however the body clock is ticking louder and I am becoming uneasy about what to do with my future.
Have great life, job, hubby, home and lovely family with godchildren galore.
Something is missing though....and it may be a child,I feel like I have a void in my life.

Thing is that I hear so many great things abou parenting, and everyone says I'd be a natural...but then so many other things about how hard it is, and how you sacrifice so much.....and life is never ever the same

I genuinely don't know what to do....I need honest experienced answers please, please, please.....am tying myself in knots..(sad)

Arrgghh!!!

Missing '?'

I had my first (and last) at 39. Got married at 37 and pre-marriage we had agreed that we wouldn't have kids as we were happy, had a nice lifestyle with lots of exotic holidays, weekends away, outings to posh restaurants etc.

Almost immediately after getting married DH announced he wanted to have children - at least one. I was eventually persuaded.

After two miscarraiges DD arrived about a year after starting to try.

It has been completely and utterly life changing for both of us and definitely the hardest thing we have ever done. Our 'lifestyle' is gone and everything is completely focused on DD, her needs, her future etc.

Babies are boring, tiring and frustrating. Now she is almost two she is tiring and frustrating but not boring - she is amazing!

Knowing what we know now, would we do it again? - I am really not sure - we are definitely not having another one. TBH I am amazed the human race hasn't died out long ago as I can't imagine why anyone would do it twice - it is hard - hard, hard hard...

I have many moments when I think WTF have we done and how our 'old' life was a breeze compared to this, so much freedom and a lot more money - I very rarely buy anything for myself anymore and the cost of childcare is astonishing.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, tells you how hard it is - its like an evil conspiracy. It certainly is the last taboo - the myth of parenthood and how 'fulfilling' it is.

But, after saying all that, I love her beyond anything I could ever have possibly imagined - it is indescribable...

It is such a big decision for you to make and I mean HUGE - my advice is don't in anyway take it lightly - Good luck!

I'm always struck by the fact, though, that the only people who seem to suggest that bringing up DD must be very 'rewarding' or 'satisfying' are colleagues of mine without children! Its effect is utterly transformative, for good and for bad - but I do often think that the people who decide not to do it are very lucky to live in a time where there is slightly less social pressure to conform, and where women can carve out identities for themselves that are not based on home and family. That fact also means that many of us are torn, as having a child inevitably means subordinating your own needs, desires and aspirations to those of your child - and some people are simply better at that than others. It's perhaps particularly hard in a culture so focussed on self-fulfillment and self-realisation, which is possibly why children get put forward as a version of this.

A lot of women of my mother's generation had children because it was expected of them and it really didn't suit them, fulfill them or bring them the social cachet they wanted - and then their children grew up, left and availed of all the opportunities that they had been denied. I do dislike the assumption that a life without children is incomplete - it isn't and having them should be a choice. I think a lot of couples just assume that that is what they should do, and often feel ambivalent about it. DP and I (obviously) really had to think hard about whether we wanted a child, how to get her etc etc. It took us a long time!

Children make some couples stronger, split some apart, but mostly cement a shared commitment to something outside and beyond your relationship. That means that your relationship becomes something different - and it's important to keep in mind that you hope to still love, fancy and like your DP once your children are grown - and that requires a bit of work...

I'm not what you would call a naturally maternal person but having my (sadly one and only) dd made the world around me "click"

It was like someone saying "ah, I understand stand now why x happens and this is like that and vice versa" It was like joining a secret club.

Parenthood is so difficult to describe because the most heart-wrenching wonderful moments can coincide with the most gut-wrenching horrible ones. But somehow - yes -the highs most definitely make the lows worth it.

I think one of the greatest (and scariest) gifts parenting gives you is that it forces you to confront yourself. Your child can mirror yourself in the most confronting way. Parenting is the most honest and full-on experience you will ever have - no bull-shit allowed. And it is gently relentless.

I no longer worry about myself or about aging or death - and trivial things that consumed me before, no longer matter.

Having said all that, I've been taken aback by the emotional ups and downs that come with motherhood. They are exhausting. And I'm saying that as a mother of only one child with a very hands-on dh.

All in all though, it is the most amazing privilege to be able to give life to someone else and watch them grow and develop in to an individual. Even though she is now 7, I sometimes just sit and watch dd in disbelief and think "where did you come from?". Her very existence is almost surreal but utterly thrilling and fantastic.

There you are - now I have over-emoted on a public forum

Good luck with your decision noniks! Go with your gut and not your head. You can over-think these things x

didn't read the thread, just then op

i was in a similar position, past 30, good job, in uni, so nice prospects, perfect life, quite reluctant to have a child and break the magic, every body said i'll be natural mum too... had the kid, yes, life changed, a lot, priorities changed too, but i am happy i did it, and posibly there will be more to come... is different, is hard, but it is worth it...if you both want it. it is totally different that what i imagined, and of having nephews, godkids, etc...it is the kind of thing that you don't know until you try...

my advice: soul searching and lots of talking to dp,... and whatever you decided is fine, ignore the clock, if it becomes to late you can always adopt, is just the same, only without the 3 days labour, 2 epidurals, a cut, anemia... you still get the sleeples nights and permanent worry.

I nearly went nuts in a marriage where my xh was sure he didn't want children. So in a way, having children with my eventual second H wasn't really a choice [shrug], though I like to think that if it had proved physically impossible I might have found that easier to accept. I think if you are basically happy with how life is, I wouldn't rush to throw a grenade into the middle of it.

I despise myself for not having had a sibling for ds, for having had him at all when I really think life is not a gift for most people, and for the fact that the parts of childrearing I enjoy are the social side - I love all my parent friends, I think they are fantastic and feel knotted into society in a way I didn't before. I am rarely a good mum to my ds when we are alone, though we love each other dearly and thank goodness he has his Dad as well.

Ask yourself, would you actually choose to spend time in a playground (I mean, if you weren't going to be arrested for hanging out there alone?) Well, being in the playground is one of the fun parts of the early years.

Re your godchildren, I have one aunt without children who is an absolute joy to all her nieces and we could not do without her, and one great aunt without children who was magnificent and I would have named a dd after her if I had had one. I'm not sure if either have had regrets but they have lived as though they did not.

The babies were worth the sleep deprivation, guilt and money.
The toddlers were bliss despite the s d, g and m.
The primary kids were such good fun (and slept) didn't mind the g and m at all and wished we'd had a few more.
At the moment any one who knocks on the door and asks can have the teens.

I also didn't want kids and I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I had my son because: I was bored.

Seriously, good career, wonderful husband, I'd satisfied my travel bug so everything was great but it felt like something was missing.
Since I've become a mother, life has become much harder in some ways but every day is fascinating and wonderful. I'm certainly not bored

A silly example: I was sitting with my 3 month old son in the park and a bicycle went past. He couldn't stop staring. I'm not sure if he knew it was a person on a bike or possibly a new two-wheeled human species.
Every day he learns something new and is so wonderful to get to see the mundane become the miraculous through his eyes.

One thing I would say, OP, is don't take TOO much notice of the opinions of parents of only children who are still very young. Catdoctor, I think yours was one of them and bless ya, I hated being a mum when mine were 11 weeks old too. HATED it. Unless you've got a really easy baby who is either asleep or awake and happy, at that age it's really bloody hard work and comes with little reward other than cuddles and a smile (well, in DS2's case to be honest even the smiles at that age were few and far between - he was BLOODY hard work, miserable little bugger that he was!).

Now they are both at school, it's very different. But you can never ever get your freedom back. You can't be impulsive ever again really once you have kids.

I love my boys to bits and am so glad I had them. They are fantastic, and it still amazes me when I look at them and think "WE made that"!! Basically, my life is worse in some ways but better in others. I know couples in their 40s who chose not to have children in the end after wavering a bit, and lead fulfilling and rich lives with lots of travelling and expensive hobbies etc. They probably have wistful yearnings for a child when they see ours come and give us a big hug or whatever, and DH and I have wistful yearnings when we hear about their latest travels or adventures or whatever. You can't win! If anyone has a life with the perfect mix of children and exciting lifestyle than I would like to meet them.

The thought of being a parent is really scary. I found everyone only told me the horror stories about the sleepless nights and how exhausting it all is.

However, IMO when I held DS in my arms for the first time I knew that there was no-one else that you would ever be able to love quite as much (except for DC2 of course). I don't resent DS crying at night or any other time. He cries because he needs me. There is something really special about the fact that he needs me. I also find it amazing knowing that he is really the only person that I will influence in my life.

I completely love being a mother and it is so much more enjoyable than anything else even with all the sleepless nights.

motherofhobbit, i so hope you don't get flamed, there is no right or wrong reason to become a mother, i am not sure what make me decide now was a good time, but they change your life, what used to be important doesn't matter anymore, there is lots to learn, for you and the baby...

i guess, it is an irrational need, the question is: do you want to be a mother?, the rest you can rationalize all you want, but comes down to that... i know some mums who did not want to be a mother, sort of happened, and i feel sorry for the kids, i also know a couple of girls who regret not having children and gosh they're bitter...

what ever you decide make sure you will be happy with the outcome.

I'm also interested to see the strength of feeling in some of the posts, but not surprised. Parenting is the hardest thing I have EVER done, but worth it.

On a lighter note, I recently came across a book which to me describes parenthood brilliantly. If you fancy a light hearted, but accurate description the you might like to have a look at 'Zagazoo' by Quentin Blake.

Overall, I think whichever way you choose to go in the end will result in regrets, but also a whole host of positives. Not having children is not the bleak existence some people think it is, but having a family is also wonderful.

Hope you can make and fine peace in your decision OP, whichever way you choose to go.

I'm not actually sure how helpful it is to say 'only have a child if you really really want one'.

I know many people who really really wanted a child (myself included); it can be that much harder when the reality doesn't meet your (ridiculously high) expectations and disillusionment sets in.

gosh I don't know how to answer this.

having children was very important to me for a sort of philosophical/emotional reason - unless I had a baby I felt I wouldn't be a real part of the human race. That is a VERY personal belief to do with the way my brain and family are made up, and wouldn't dream of suggesting anybody take that as a belief system. It also is I know a potentially very dangerous belief because you are basing your meaning/happiness on something you can't control, and on another being, which isn't very fair. we'll just have to see how that pans out as the being in question gets older I guess.

However I also know that I suffered intense intellectual anguish trying to work out if having a child was the 'right' thing - when so many children already born need caring for/environmentally/ethically/for my own happiness/my relationship (for the reason above). Things are much easier if you are the type of person who has 'married, mortgage, widescreen telly and kids' imprinted on you subliminally for cultural/family reasons and never stop to question it.

It's also true that having a child is wonderful - if you are not one of the very unlucky people who finds their relationship/health/health of child fails once said child arrives.

I guess the bottom line is that having a child is like any life event from new jobs to partners - you simply cannot predict how it will turn out, you cannot control the future. So I guess my final thought would be, if you think your future is 'controllable' and forecastable by NOT having a child, you are wrong. But having children is very definitely about actively ceding ALL control over your life completely, not only to fate, but to another sentient being. That in my experience is the thing people are really railing against when they rail about the problems of having children.

oh, make no mistake, it is hard, and expectations are always too high, i thought i could go to a week long research project with a 10 weeks old baby, luckily my tutor put some sense into me (didn't let me sign up)...

how do you know you really want a child?, or that you don't?

i don't think you should take much notice of what we say, at the end of the day, we have made our decision and are happy with it, or not,there is an old saying, hope makes sense in english:
everyone describes the market depending how well they did, they did well, wonderful market, they did badly, market from hell.

honestly, i think the only person with an answer to your question is you, op.

that's a really brilliant saying!

I think you summed up what I was trying to say right there wouldliketoknow

i though i made sense for once...

oh also meant to say: on a practical level, tbh it's all about what your partner thinks. This HAS to be a joint decision and he has to be ready heart and soul for the ride.

All the other posts have pointed out the hard stuff and the great stuff. And the hard stuff is bloody hard (I've had a particularly trying day!)

But the thing that is best about being a parent, is that you get to relive your own life all over again.

You start to remember those parties you had as a kid when you played pin the tail on the donkey. And you remember how much you loved licking the spoon when your granny was making biscuits. And you remember how easy it was to learn the capitals of Europe and how hard it was to figure out maths.

You're reminded of your first friends and the sad things that happened and the good things that happened. And how exciting Christmas was and how a pencil with a sparkly rubber on top in your stocking was just as good as the huge dolls house.

And if I wasn't a parent, I'm sure all those memories that have been locked away for a long time would never had gotten an airing again. And it's worth experiencing them again, only this time through the eyes of an adult.

I have a childless friend, whose mother apparently told her having children WASN'T worth it. That has totally fucked her up as far as I can see. I think she would like to have kids, but is obsessed with what her Mum said to her. (Plus she's single and 41 - so chances are slim anyway!)

I mean what better way to make someone feel unloved??

If you are not sure you want them then I think you shouldn't have them. Not fair to the children.

but sometimes, you aren't sure and then they make you so happy, you can imagine how you ever contemplated the idea of not having children...

that said, i had a friend who had a child because she thought it would look pretty and she thought that way her dh would not leave her, wrong!, and is desperate to give her to anyone who will take her to go partying, the girl is all messed up of course...

i had another friend, who suddendly felt the need, lesbian at 39, and got pregnant, her dp left her two years later cos she didn't like family life wtf?, but she says her ds means the world to her and in hindsight would do it all over again...

you never know...

TRUBERT
I'm not actually sure how helpful it is to say 'only have a child if you really really want one'.

I know many people who really really wanted a child (myself included); it can be that much harder when the reality doesn't meet your (ridiculously high) expectations and disillusionment sets in.

This was me, i dearly love my babies, and i enjoy them, im goodish with them i think, i was prepared for them, they are as i imagined, but slightly louder. I never expected my mental health to nose dive the way it did though

I was told at 18 I probably wouldn't be able to have children. Never been the maternal type, wasn't that bothered. Met DH at 33, thought we'd give it a try a few years later, have DS and DD after a few miscarriages.

Nearly 7 years on, I'm still getting over the shock of it all. I never thought it would be me, so I never gave parenthood any headspace.

I agree with the comments about the lifestyle being a bit crap, but you adapt. Some parents find this easier and more important to their sanity than others. I remember being in my mid thirties, before we started thinking about children, sitting in restaurants eating lovely food, having travelled very widely with my work, thinking "I'm bored. There's got to be more."

The grass is always greener. The love you have for your own children, however, blows everything out the water. It is ferocious and to me, the whole purpose of being alive.

Only you and the father to be (or not to be) will be able to answer this.

In the meantime get a dog. It will give you about 5% of the idea of the amount of commitment involved.