Is it all worthwhile??

[noniks]

Hi all
40 yrs old, no kids and never been interested,
however the body clock is ticking louder and I am becoming uneasy about what to do with my future.
Have great life, job, hubby, home and lovely family with godchildren galore.
Something is missing though....and it may be a child,I feel like I have a void in my life.

Thing is that I hear so many great things abou parenting, and everyone says I'd be a natural...but then so many other things about how hard it is, and how you sacrifice so much.....and life is never ever the same

I genuinely don't know what to do....I need honest experienced answers please, please, please.....am tying myself in knots..(sad)

Just to clarify, we've not parted we've partied! whole world of difference! sorry!

This is possibly my favourite ever MN thread (and I lurk here often!), because the posts resonate with my own confusingly contradictory feelings about my DC and the wonderful and terrible ways that having them has changed my life.

My impression is that mothers and fathers often have quite different views on parenthood, because so often it is the mother who fulfills the stereotypical role and gives up more to be a parent.

I often wonder what life would be like without children, what I would have done instead - how things would have panned out for me. What does it feel like to be mid thirties and childless? I'm sure there are pros and cons... maybe I'll start a thread to find out.

Thanks, OP, for starting something so interesting, and I hope you find the answer to your question on here....

really interesting thread

One thought - a few people have wondered why parents are not more "honest" about the hard / boring bits of parenting.

You know, life still had hard and boring aspects before I had kids too. But to bang on about them would have been seen as whinging.

If a child-less friend asked me for an honest take on the hard / boring bits I would tell them what, in my experience, they are.

I don't withhold the harsh realities because it is taboo or anything, I just think that people who are parents probably already "get" that side of it, and those who are not probably don't really care to hear about it!

Probably not expressing myself very well, it's hardly a profound point. Just an observation really.

I will you well, OP, in making your decision. Never much fun making choices in life, especially the ones that are pretty much irreversible.

*"pretty much" irreversible sounds odd. Sorry. Clearly having a child is irreversible, and deciding not to have a child of your own will (such is the life of a woman) be irreversible at some point, hence our biological clocks!

If I'd known children were this great, I'd be knee deep in the little buggers by now! I have one 22mo DS and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My mum died when I was small and if I had the opportunity to go back in time and bring her back but not have my son, I couldn't do it. Before I had him, I wouldn't have been able to imagine writing that sentence, especially because there are still, 25 years later, when I miss my mum so much it physically hurts.

You have, however, to be prepared for all sorts of horrible things like episiotomy scars, newborn vomit filling your bra, the utter fear when they are ill, exploding poo up the living room wall, arguing with your partner, lack of cash, having a small person hitting you on the head with a train while you throw up because they HAVE to come to the bog with you, dropping a pram on your big toe, crying with fatigue, Iggle Piggle and Upsy Fucking Daisy, stains, another, smells, treading on lego, mashed banana, the constant bloody cleaning and being treated like a halfwit by bus drivers.

I am so broody for DC2 I could scream. If you're still interested after reading all these posts, do it.

which, in itself Avril, displays a depth of emotion and love that you have as a mother, which is simply impossible to truly explain to someone who is not.

BUT, that said, I am enjoying reading MNers attempts to explain it on this thread, as it is lovely. And also not something we can discuss so much in RL without coming across as smug or really really soppy

Like every choice in life there are gains and losses. You are asking the unanswerable question because once the path is taken there is no turning back. There is no such thing as the perfect life or decision so just trust in the decision you make and make the most of all that it brings. Go with your heart, it is hard to be rational about something so big. Best wishes whatever happens.

I can remember feeling like you do, Op; I was 30 though, but even so I'd never felt maternal. Dh and I had been together for 15 yrs and I had a choice - try for a baby or go for what I felt I'd been put here to do career wise. I chose the career but got pg anyway.

Fast forward 9 yrs and I have three dc, one every two yrs - they're 8, 6 and 4. My god do I love it. But it isn't easy, the love you feel for them breaks you open. Someone said it's like choosing to have your heart walking around outside your body and that sums it up for me - times three.

I am only speaking for myself here but I didn't know shit before I had the dc. I thought I knew about the world but in fact I lived in a bubble. Well, my bubble has been well and truly burst now. I've felt pain like I never thought I would.

But I've felt love beyond measure, and joy that I can't describe, and I love every minute that I'm with my dc. I do have to have a routine because otherwise the dc would never get to school but that makes the holidays so much fun. But watching them grow...seeing how they are like me or dh or our parents, or even my granddad, learning what they like and don't like, connecting with them on a level that goes deeper than anything and then being staggered by our separateness...

I love it. And however hard it has been, I wouldn't change a thing. And I did not want to be a mum before I was one.

If you need to ask whether you want a child, personally I think the answer is probably no.

Whatever you gut tells you is the answer (not what we mumsnetters tell you)

We had children because dh got broody. Or at least he had that "there must be more to life than this" feeling. Our children are 10 and 11 now, and he's started to talk about all the things that we are going to do when the children have left home. The all consuming part of children lasts I think for about five years, then you get a more relaxed period (especially around about 7 and 8 I think, most people seem to really enjoy that stage), a bit of pre teen angst, and then the teen years which seem to be fairly stressful too (we haven't quite got there yet), and then essentially you get your freedom back again.

So life changes very fundamentally when you decide to start a family, but it isn't forever. The question is whether you want to spend the next 20 odd years growing a family or whether there are other things you might want to do instead. Does the idea of not having a family "of your own" make you feel very sad, or do you feel that you are part of a family anyway (great godparents/aunts etc are fantastic too).

Has anyone mentioned having a child with special needs yet?
Which may change your parenting experience and the possibility of being shed of them when they are adult?
Sometimes things don't turn out as you planned them, but I would still come firmly down on the side of parenting being the best and most interesting thing I've done in my life.

Verity, not everyone has said that they might not do it all again or didn't have regrets. I don't think that makes you a bad mother at all. Goblin yes you are right having children comes with the risk that things may not be straightforward, and the commitment required for a child with special needs is very different. I am very aware of this as my sister has two children who will never be independent and will need lifelong specialist support. It has unsurprisingly had a huge impact on her life and will do forever.

Getting pregnant when you are older increases the risks of having a child with a disability (although my sister was not an older mother, as indeed is the case for most mothers). There are tests for some things, but many problems are picked up many years later, it's certainly something I thought long and hard about when I intentionally got pregnant with ds (dd was an accident, no thought required!)

Verity loads of people have said no. To me, reading through this thread, the nos resoundingly drown out the yeses. It's chilling.

Try to imagine how you would feel if you were told you can't have kids (naturally). This was the 'wake up call' I needed & one IVF cycle later my 12 week old dd is snoozing on my chest as I write. I was never one of those women who had an innate desire to have children since they can remember, & had spent many hours agonising woth dh whether to try. But having the decision sort of made for me gave me an awful lot of clarity on the situation. I'm not denying it's been hard work, particularly as she was 6 weeks prem, & will continue to be a slog for years to come but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I'm don't for a minute thing this will immediately provide you with an answer, but taken with all the other fantastic advice on this thread it might help a bit.

I'm 36 btw & inablity to conceive not age related.

Good luck :)

I was 37 when I had DS, not very maternal, but never thought I wouldn't have children.
Also had very comfortable affluent lifestyle, holidays, restaurants.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I cannot imagine a life without this love I feel for DS. It is like nothing on earth.

Good luck with your choice and dealing with it, whatever that choice is.

On balance, I wouldn't change my decision.

Would have shifted it back 15 year to when I had more energy? Possibly, but then again at that stage I wouldn't have appreciated every single mind blowing moment of littlemad's life.

It's something no one can explain or prepare you for. It's easy to say 'you'll never know love like it' or 'It's relentless and brings and definition to 'exhausted' but at the end of the day you can't comprehend or explain it because there is nothing you can compare it to.

I wanted a family but didn't think I was very maternal or organised, turns out I am, and apparently all my life there was a lioness lurking waiting to be Mummy to the most amazing child ever. I still can't do sticking a gluing and 'craft' or worthy activites, but littlemad and I have a lot of fun and he is a happy, secure, clever and funny chap despite everything.

Good luck

Noniks, I think a lot depends on your personality. IME (including personally), introverts can sometimes find parenting babies and young children harder because of the resulting lack of time/space to oneself whereas extroverts are more likely to thrive on the company of their family.

Personally, although I love my DS, I look forward to the future when he is older with his own friends and interests so I can spend some time occasionally curled up on the sofa with a book!

I'm generalising, of course, but it is worth having a serious think about your personality and lifestyle and how that would be affected by the 24/7 demands of children.

noniks, if you are still following this and have not been scared off by the passion of all of the responses (awesome thread!):

I have never ever felt broody but knew that I did not want to just go on like I had been forever and always saw children/older offspring in my middle/old age. I think children and grandchildren keep people young and connect them to a whole younger generation. But I have never swanned over other people's baby's or craved to hold one. I still like the walking/talking child much more and have to simply 'get through' the baby stage as I find it very hard/boring/stressful/tiresome to look after a tiny one. And I know I am not alone in feeling like this, although of course there are lots of people who prefer a baby and mourn how quickly it passes - whereas I rejoice !

Hardest thing I have ever done - yes!

Most interesting/exciting/phantastic thing - yes!!

Are you too old? - No, but you are getting there, sorry, duck. There is no point in arguing with biology/nature.
I was 37 with number 1 and just had DS4 a smidgeon before my 44th birthday. Given my time again I would have started having children 5-10 years earlier (mainly to get them out of the house whilst DH and I were still younger ...).

Also, at the moment I am finding life Very Hard and have found myself thinking that 2 would have been enough , but I hope know that will change.

Good luck with whatever you decide .

I'm a single mum to a 7 yo and a 3yo, some days I just feel like I can't cope, my daughter is a typical girl and some days won't stop whinging and crying over the alightest thing, she can be clingy one minute and wants me to do everything for her then next she wants to be independent and do everything herself. My son has a few autistic traits, he needs his routine and likes things done in a certain way and he struggles with the social aspect of life, he has the senco involved at school so I know he is getting the help he needs.

Parenting is THE hardest job ever, I'm constantly thinking am I doing the right thing, I feel guilty because I have to work to support them and hardly see them during the week then we're shouting and screaming at each other at the weekend or my daughter is having one of her many tantrums or my son is having a particularly bad day and can't be settled. Some days I lose my temper with them, some days I can take a deep breath and calm them down. Every day I'm wondering if my way of parenting will scar them for life. My house is constantly messy with toys scattered everywhere, I can never buy anything just for me without having to share it, the list can go on and on.

I can hold my hands up and say that I have bad days where I just want to walk away and never come back or think to myself why did I ever have children but then I think of all the good times we have and it far outweighs all the bad times.

Every morning before my alarm goes off at 6am (yes you read that correct) she will jump into bed with me and have a little snuggle, she always wraps her arms around me and says 'I love you mummy', just knowing that my kids are growing and they are healthy and they are happy and loved makes up for it all. My son is a mummies boy and prefers nothing more than just being with me.

It all boils down to if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have it anyother way, I love my children more than anything and I wouldn't change them for the world.

Did anybody mention it can be brilliant fun too - just for a bit of balance. I've loved the chance to be silly and play again with our two. Chases, tickling, silly stories, hiding from the wolf, (endless) peepo I could go on & on...and hanging out and the park/zoo/swimming pool etc in the sunshine aint so bad (once you've got them in the car of course - but thats a whole different story....)

Brilliant thread.

I have always found it very hard to explain to my friends what having a child is like. It's a bit like explaining what having a relationship is like? No two are the same.

I do think having a baby peels you like an onion. When they are little you are totally exhausted, you can be snappy and irrational. I always prided myself on being balanced. That was very hard for me. But I learnt to let go and just 'be'.

On the whole, for me, the hardest thing about having children is the loneliness you feel sometimes. Especially when they are small. I have never felt loneliness like it! Probably because you are feeling a mixture of the emotions on this thread but you don't want to voice them - or share them.

But I love having a family. Being part of family where 'we' are choosing the rules. I love my DH (even when I hate him!) and sometimes I lie in bed and smell my children sleeping, amazed and stunned by life!

Personally, I think that having kids is one of those things that if you think about it too much, and weigh up all the sacrifices, you would never do it. I got pregnant with dd a few months after I got married, really because I thought it was the next step and I was the right age, without thinking about it too much. Was pregnant with ds 8 months later (slightly unplanned!) but the best "mistake" I ever made. They are now 4 and 2 and nothing has ever made me feel happier than watching the way they interact and play together. I can honestly say that in the whole 4 years, I have never been bored or regreted having them.

Of course there are times when I wistfully think of my old life and having more time to myself, but I think that is natural. When I started working full-time I used to feel the same when I thought back to my university days when life was one big party!