Would you have had kids if you'd known how tough it was?

[Angiel]

I don't know if I would have, its a bit late now though!!

Trifle

It will change - some people love babies ( I don't ), some people love toddlers ( I do ). Your kids will get older and maybe at some point you will start to enjoy it.

My mum had us in her early 20's and resented her loss of freedom or in her case never really having any or any money. As the youngest she couldn't wait for me to grow up so that she could get on with her life. It doesn't mean that she didn't love me, just that it wasn;t really what she wanted to be doing at that time in her life.

Jimjams it's absolutely lovely that you would go through it all again even with the added hardships of an autistic child...I like to beleive that you probably also get added rewards.

And to answer the question: YES YES YES YES!!

However hard I find it (and I do), whenever she cuddles up to me, and strokes my cheek, or when I go and watch her sleeping, I feel so happy, I forget everything else (and that's when I get broody)!!!
Watching her grow up is the most amazing experience I've had!

I wouldn't have had so many, nor so close together

Trifle, I felt exactly like you when mine were that age. I don't do playing & I found the park so tedious that iIsoon knocked that on the head! As they get older they don't need so much physical care & don't have to be watched.. it's a wonderful feeling when you can go out, knowing they are perfectly capable of staying in on their own to watch TV.

Hang on in there

Message withdrawn

Yes- Even though It is really hard and tough sometimes I would do it all over again and hopefully will.Ds is 19mths and is bloody hard work and I do get fed up and frustrated but all the good things by far outway the bad and most days I do love being mummy.

Absolutely. No question. I feel like I've got my own childhood back. I love pillow-fights and reading Roald Dahl and planning birthday parties and I could go on forever.

Yes. I wasn't maternal, wasn't sure I ever wanted children, kept expecting to get broody but when I hadn't by 36 decided I had to make a decision. DH wanted them, I thought I might regret it if I hadn't. 8mo dd is the cutest, sweetest loveliest baby ever. Although I do admit I spent this morning shopping for towels without her and it felt like the most glorious freedom. I think having her has changed me completely - I hoover because I don't want her to pick up unidentified gunk and eat it, I prepare nutritious meals (sometimes) I don't drink very much - not sure why except it makes me feel ill now. I sometimes miss the old me but it would have been boring to have been her for the rest of my life.

I would probably have had children at some point but i make no secret of the fact that i wish i hadn't had them at the age of 20. I was certainly not ready although at the time thought i was and thought i would cope with anything. I have found it extremely difficult and it does not come naturally to me at all. I try to tell myself that i DO enjoy playing with them and taking them to toddler groups etc etc but really i know that there are far many other things i'd rather be doing. At the moment i think i am having a breakdown at the mere thought of all this stress and hassle going on for another 6 weeks, not to mention the boredom! I love my kids so much and oftehn feel proud to be their mum but i do feel that i'm not much good at it, not the sort of mum i wanted to be and quite fed up with it alot of the time. This thread has made me feel alot better because i've never owned up to this before. I always feel jealous of my dp who is such a natural with the kids and they always choose him over me.It makes it worse that my friend is the complete opposite, she hates it when their at school and loves every second of parenthood (trying for her 4th!)

I love my kids (aged 4 and 2), but I don't want to look after them 24/7. I used to go out work so that I could pay someone else to look after them - I have now been made redundant but have still sent them to nursery for the last 3 months.

They're happy, I'm happy.

If I had them at home with me all day I would go stark staring bonkers.

I think some people are great with their kids 24/7, but others, like me are better parents for getting away from them for a while.

Yes I would do it again, but then I am glutton for punishment!

I don't think anyone can really know the answer to this one - once you have your kids you love them, so even if you might have chosen not to have them your commitment clouds the issue for you.

You mention guilt, Spacemonkey. One of the best mothers I know told me once that 'Motherhood and guilt go hand in hand'. How true.

I find I relate strongly to your feelings, Trifle. You say that you are complimented on your mothering skills; my DH swears that it is the guilt about feeling the way I do about motherhood that drives me to being a good mother.

After my first was born I had horrendous PND. Her father was a rotten abusive git and I was too emotionally demoralised to leave. He bullied me into having another and I spent the whole pregnancy terrified in case I had another depression (I didn't). He dumped us when DD2 was 14 months. I had to bring the two of them up along for the next five years until I met my DH.

DH is a wonderful man and has, for the first time in my life, given me everything I ever asked for, loads of attention, a dream wedding, an equal partnership, great fathering for my girls. Therefore I felt unable to refuse his strong desire for a child of his own, much as it was the opposite of what I wanted. How could I deny him that when he had given his life to me?

Where does what we want fit into life????

Now I farm my DS out to a childminder where he is much happier and so am I. My DD1 asked me, don't you love him then? Of course I love him. I love my husband but does that mean I have to enjoy washing his socks? 99% of childcare is just s**t-shovelling and no one wants to complain, cos people will think they don't love their kids.

As for all you mums who love every minute of it...bless your hearts and good luck to you. You make me feel ashamed - but that's my weakness, not yours!

janstar, you brilliantly put into words so many things that i also feel but find so hard to articulate - especially the bit about guilt driving you to being a better mother! So true!

One of my fav films of all time is Parenthood - so many laugh out loud moments at steve martin's character, and how uptight he is about his kids being happy and well-adjusted - I relate a lot to that character. It's not because I don't love them enough, it's because I love them so much it hurts.

Like you trifle, I have been complimented on my "mothering skills", but I feel forever inadequate and not good enough. It's a very complex issue I suppose.

My children are getting older now - dd is 12 and is as big as me, has started her periods and is going through all that horrible puberty shit that I remember only too well. I want to take the suffering away from her and suffer it myself, but of course that's impossible, so you have to suffer the pain of knowing that they are hurting and confused and all of those things, and there's not much you can do about it except try to help and hope they'll come out the other end of it feeling OK about themselves.

I didn't used to believe people who said "it gets harder as they get older, not easier", but actually I think it's true (have had many conversations with my own mother on this one!).

Having said all of this - and I really wouldn't have children if I had my time over again - I believe that having had children has made me a far better person.

No, what a great thread and thanks to everyone for being so honest.

I had never been maternal and had got to aged 42 very happily without having a child; DH then changed his mind and 'persuaded' me to have a baby (I take full responsibility for allowing myself to be persuaded). I too find it very, very difficult - incredibly boring and tedious and so restricting - and I know I am lucky in that I can afford to send DS to playgroup, employ babysitters etc etc.

I love not working, but I would rather be at home doing what I wanted to ...... and then of course I feel so guilty, especially when you hear of all those wonderful parents who enjoy being with their children so much, or who dread them leaving home or starting school - I count the days.

Of course, I put on an 'act' of being the devoted mum - but its just not for me and I regret not having the courage to stick to my original decision. And then what do you really say to all those people who assume we were 'trying' for years and say 'you must be so happy now you've had a child'.

Well, ds is the love of my life and I go cold thinking about not having him... but....yes, I do miss spontaniety, solitude, snuggling up to dh all morning etc etc. I have friends who don't have children - it just hasn't happened to them. But I think that's the best thing that could have not happened to them. They like pottering around antique shops, going to restaurants four times a week, nipping out to the cinema at a moment's notice and often I'll call at midday at the weekend and my friend will say something like 'Oh, I've just got up and had a bath after reading the papers all morning.' That's very hard to hear sometimes. It's difficult to say to someone, 'I think your life is better without children' without a/implying you don't love your kids, or b/implying they are hard unloving people who won't make good parents.
Having said all that, if I won the lottery I'd have babies until my ovaries shrivelled. Then I'd have a nanny/au pairs to give me all the freedom and spontaneity I wanted and lots of room to sneak off and be by myself.
I am writing a feature about maternal guilt at the moment and some of the incrediby wise, honest things said on this thread are really food for thought, definitely. I completely agree that motherhood is wildly over-idealised and completely impossible to live up to. I too think I should look like Elle Macpherson, bake, play 24-7, etc etc.

Life without dd? No way. I found it extremely difficult at first, but now love love love it. Miss my freedom, figure, sex life, career (sometimes), money etc but I was broody for kids for about 5 years, all my friends had them first so I saw the upheaval they can cause and was sort of prepared(!).

I was 32 when I had dd and in a way am glad I did all my travelling, 'partying', etc first but on the other hand, wish I had had her sooner.

After saying that though, she is only 9 months and a breeze, will I be saying the same things when the tantrums and 'can I have can I have can I have' starts? Will have to wait and see.

Angiel - what a good thread!

YES - but they are truely exhausting and noone tells you that before you have them. Maybe its to do with being over 30 too as most mums are these days so we are probably all partied out and tired already!!?

I'm glad I waited though and went to all those far flung places that I wanted to see - we joke that the next time we will do that is for our silver wedding!!!

Children are a joy - so funny and interesting but the routine and the zillions of nappies and broken nights sleep can get a little draining - wouldn't change it though

I've found it really hard 'adapting' to life as a mum, much as I love my ds, and thought it was me who was selfish, and that was why. I still really miss having 'me' or 'us' time and I find myself resenting my ds for this at times.

Reading this thread has made me realise that other people feel this way too, although it seems to be a taboo subject when you can't be anonymous in this way.

Saying this though, in being pregnant and giving birth, I found fulfillment and contentment that I'd never dreamed existed - I felt like I'd discovered what my body was for, and was the happiest I've ever been when my baby was born. He has given me a lot of joy and when I have tender moments with him lay in my arms falling asleep, staring into my eyes, I feel like everything before was pretty meaningless in comparison.

So, even though I have a lot of difficult times, yes, I would most definitely do it all over again.

Oliveoil, utterly amazed you think 32 is 'older'. I was 38. I think 32 is a young mum.

Definitely. I knew it was going to be hard, I went into motherhood with my eyes wide open. The wonderful, positive things about my children more than make up for the drudginess of washing poo-stained clothes, tantrums in supermarkets, constant demands and clearing up sick. I have two (3.5 and 9 months) and would gladly have another. I work freelance, but am mostly a SAHM and love it. My Ibiza/Notting Hill days are over (thank god) and I couldn't be more pleased with my saggy old body and my cross-stitch in the evenings. Hopefully my children will inherit my youthful spirit and spontaniety so I can gain immense vicarious pleasure through their lives.

I have had very very low points during my few years of motherhood, but managed to overcome them with support and positive thinking.

I have been truly shocked at some of the feelings on this thread, but so glad that people feel that they can be honest and truthful here.

Aloha - absolutely agree, 32 sounds positively young to me - try having one just 2 months before your 43rd birthday!!

Would be very interested to read your article on maternal guilt - can you let us know where/when it is published - or do you not want to give your name away (quite understand if not)?

Haven't had a chance to read all of these postings (I'm at work), but can really identify with those I've looked at - especially trifle. I do feel there's a secret conspiracy among mothers not to let non-parents know exactly how hard - and boring/dull/tedious/thankless - parenting/mothering can be. Dh and I spent several years asking 'do we, don't we' before finally deciding to have children (we have one ds of 20 months) and, although I now love him to bits, it's been a long process of getting used to him, and finally accepting that my life has changed for ever. I think this is a big trigger to PND personally, grieving for your old life and your lost freedom (certainly was for me, anyway).

Would I do it again, knowing what I now know? Yes, I would. I think the danger in dwelling on your old life is that you perhaps paint a more glamourous picture of it in retrospect. I did a lot of travelling for my job before ds (still do, except that it's confined to the UK now and fairly close to home), long days hanging around in airports, inside hotels and hospitals (for work), and relatively little opportunity, given tight schedules, to see anything while I was abroad. Jet lag isn't glamourous!

I also feel that, once you've had children, it's tempting to imagine that, if you hadn't had them, your life would have continued along exactly the same lines as before, but there's no guarantee of this. None of us knows what the future will hold. My concern was that I'd reach 50 and deeply regret not having had children. I look at some of my parents' childless friends now, and their lives do seem to be a bit empty. Sure, thay fill them with foreign holidays and cruises, drive the latest cars, have beautifully decorated (and tidy!) homes and gardens, but I'm sure on their death beds, their last thoughts won't be 'I wish I'd done one more trip on the Oriana'.

I have never wanted an career and was never a little girl who said "I want to be a.......Blah Blah Blah"
I now do the most rewarding, selfless, wonderfully funny ....... hard, boring, draining and shite job in the world and I would never want any other job.

I love being a mum and don't regret it one tiny bit and would definatley have done it even if I did have and insight into it.

Has anyone seen the TV ad where a Canadian Mountie is ordering the woman around and it turns out to be a small child in fact. Is it any surprise that we are constantly exhausted and feel that nothing we do is enough for them? I believe that this is nature's way of helping them survive - if they keep us occupied 100% it reduces our chances of conceiving another. We have to outwit them if we are going to have any time to ourselves.

I once met Lynda La Plante at a book signing. For some reason she asked me if I was a writer. Surprised, I answered, yes, but unpublished, never enough time. She told me to lock myself in a room for a couple of hours a day. I said I would if I could put my children into suspended animation. A wistful look came into her eyes. 'I'd swap all my books for your children,' she said dreamily.

Well that brought me up sharp I can tell you!

I dont regret it but i do think its a job for two! I have been a snappy tired irratable mum lately. I wont be getting my single mums bonus this month!