Would you have had kids if you'd known how tough it was?

[Angiel]

I don't know if I would have, its a bit late now though!!

I feel no one ever tells you how funny it is actually!

Mine are now 4 & 7 so I've forgotten how bad it was. But my answer is

YES YES YES

I would have to say I feel differently depending on what kind of day I'm having. Being 100% honest there are times when i long for the life I had BC (before children). But then when I am away from them I miss them like crazy. If I knew back then what I know now would I still have had them?....Probably.

no, I don't think so. My mum tells me I may feel differently when my dd is older (currently 8 months) but at the moment I just feel that I've been robbed of my old life, including my independence, my old relationship with dh (now totally different, and not for the better), and my old brain - this one is more numb! I feel a bit bad for saying this as I do love dd, but the honest truth is probably no.

Yes. There is light at the end of a very long tunnel - and what else would I have spent my money on????

lalaa, IKWYM. AngieL, if you'd have asked me this question when ds was under 2/3 then I'd have said no, definitely not. I firmly believed at the time (still do a bit) that if you showed prospective parents a technicolour video of exactly what it will be like (complete with realistic pain of labour experiences, a couple of months sleep deprivation, acute anxiety, illness, tantrums, parent competitiveness symdrome, droopy tits, saggy stomach, PND and I could go on all night but won't), no-one would ever do it. But now my ds is older and I've got used to being his mum, he's the love of my life, the most important person in my world and he brings me so much joy and happiness that I can't imagine life without him. I think I fell in love with him gradually though, I don't think it was love at first sight and it took me a long time to get used to being his mum. So actually, that video wouldn't have been such a good idea since it would have put me off and I wouldn't be as happy with my son and motherhood as I am (most of the time) now.

Absolutely, without a doubt YES !

At times being a parent is the toughest, most relentless task in the world but for every bad time there have been at least 3 fab ones.

Honestly? Probably not...although I love him more than anything in the world. Obviously, now I know him, I would NEVER want to change anything, but I must admit that I would give my right arm for a nanny, even one day a week!

It is a good job that you can't bottle the feelings of the pregnancy and first year, otherwise no-one would do it!

I miss the holidays, the meals out, the extra money and the clothes money. BUT, I don't miss working in a bitchy environment. I don't know what we did with our weekends BC, but I know that it can't have been much

This is a great thread but I do not know whether it is what I want to read just now as I am 40+6 with first babe and very fed up waiting!!. However, to put another angle on it. I have a great career, done lots of traveling, been able to buy almost anything I want and have a wonderful relationship with DH. But there has been something missing not sure to be honest whether the babe is the 'thing' but I look around at families and mostly they seem really content with life where I am always trying for more. So remember the life you had is not always the best thing!! are we ever happy?

i love dd and ds more than i can describe, but given my time over again, knowing what i know now - NO WAY! nothing could've prepared me for the heartache, worry, guilt and overwhelming responsibility. I feel bad about myself for saying it but it's the truth

Good thread Angiel. When we were planning kids we talked about the possibility of not being able to have any (I had some potential probs)and what that would mean to each of us. I love my life with my kids but I also see the advantages of not having any for all the reasons people have given (single friends travelling the world etc). But I try and steer clear of the thought that this life I have might not be my 'real life' (as in 'when I get my life back'
We only get one hit at it after all. FWIW aforementioned singe friends would chop off any limb to have a 'family life'- the grass is always greener isn't it?

I'm very glad I had my two late - what I feel is that if I'd had them in my 20s, or even early in my 30s, the cons would have been much heavier. But I also need and appreciate the honesty of other mothers who agree that we trade in an awful lot...

i feel like a "proper grown-up" now ive got ds. i feel like family take me more seriously, I don't give a about some of the things that used to be important, like staying in the pub til chuck out, squeezing into a size 10,manicure, dyed roots, worrying that i'm not "cool" enough etc etc. My friendships have changed, some singles/childless drifted away, some with chn newly formed, some formerly childless met ds and decided to reproduce themselves. And I've found something I'm (usually!) confident at. I LOVE being a mum (and a sahm at that) , but I do wish my brain hadnt turned quite so much to mush (no-one warns you about that bit do they?)

It's not that I regret having them, I love them all more than anything. I just had no idea I would find it so tough, I just don't think I'm really cut out to be a mum. I can cope with all the new born baby stuff but as they are getting older, I find myself struggling more and more.

If I'd had someone tell me the truth, I'd probably have ignored them anyway and assumed everything would be different for me. Naturally I'd be able to do it all standing on my head. The reality is a bit different though.

Oh, spacemonkey, I'm glad you said it first....when DH's sister and BIL were asking us, years ago when DD's 1 and 2 were still quite small, I said no, I wouldn't, because, despite the overwhelming love, the overwhelming responsibility, anxiety, guilt for doing things wrong, hostages-to-fortune feeling etc were worse...DH was very cross with me for saying that but I meant it then and still feel it now. We went on to have 2 DS's - because we'd started so I thought we might as well finish! - and I still feel it. I love them to bits but the worry and responsibility is still awesome. Yes, they are funny and good value and rewarding, but I hate it when I panic when someone rushes into the house going "Mum! Mum!" because I think someone has broken their neck.

His sister subsequently had one child and stopped there...I feel quite vindicated by that!

Interesting motherinferior - I was just about to say the opposite! I'm glad I had mine young - I still have plenty of time once the kids have grown and flown (urghh, don't want to think about that just yet - little ones are 2 and almost 5!) to reinvent myself and my life.

Personally speaking, my life wouldn't have been complete without children. I have always been incredibly maternal and throughout my life dreams and aspirations have come and gone, but children remained the one constant. We are going through some very hard times at the moment, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Firstbump - are we ever happy? I think we are probably happy, but I think very few people acheive contentment with 'their lot' sad really. I hope the little one puts in an appearance soon, good luck

I hate being a parent more than anything in the world. I find it boring, tedious, an endless drudge, totally unrewarding. I hate every waking minute from when they get up too early until they go to bed. I literally punch the air with delirious excitment when I'm free for a night out and I can get rid of them. I hate playing with them, reading them stories, dragging them to the endless tedium of playgrounds/groups/soft play areas etc. I've never been broody, never wanted any children and because no one ever lets you into this secret club about how absolutely crap it is to have a child until you've had one then you cannot forsee that your life is full of despair and regret at the huge whopping mistake you have made that will last with you for life. I wish to god that I had never had them.

People don't often admit this sort of thing, so it is so nice to see others feel the same. Wouldn't know what to do without her but the constant worry etc etc wears me down. I don't feel remotely competant. Before we had her dh said he didn't think I'd cope & tho he retracts that nowadays as I yell it at him, it will always be in my mind. The bastard was right.

Oh dear, Trifle, you sound really upset- or as my partner says "shit out of luck". How old are your bairns? Aren't there any changes that would make life more bearable even with the little blighters in it?

Scrummymummy,I'm not upset just in despair at the life I now lead. I had quite an exciting time pre children when I travelled extensively and worked overseas for years. I long to be free, to drink excessively and smoke my head off and to do things on a whim when I want instead of having to constantly be concerned about my two boys aged 2 and 3.5. Why have two you ask, because I realised after the first one came along that this absolutely was not the life for me and I couldnt bear having to be the one playing football with him, buidling sandcastles etc so had another child purely so that he would have someone to play with and it wouldnt have to be me. None of my friends have any idea that I hate being a parent and many comment about how great I am with them, always taking them out places etc. I dont think I hide it from my two boys as well and whilst I dont wish to live with these feelings of despair, I cant ever see me actually enjoying them.

TV tomorrow night - 9pm - C4 I think - seems to be along these lines.

Yes I would! DD is only 15 months so I haven't been at the parenting bit long but I love being a mum. It took over two years for DD to arrive, and I was 29 when she was born. Yes, being a parent is hard work at times but it is the most fulfilling 'job' I have done - much more so than my so-called 'proper' job as a teacher. Dh agrees too. He was so much more cautious over deciding to have a baby initially but now he is smitten entirely.

I feel like anais. Always wanted children. had ds1 at 28, the ds2 at 31 (so older than anais ). Did loads before them- worked abroad, travelled, now enjoying staying put, but will hopefully have time to do all the travelling again later (ds1 permitting- if not we'll have to take him could be interesting.) Wasn't as epxected at all. Wasn't expecting an autistic one for starters. Had no idea what the worry would be like. But still love it and yep I'd definitely do it again.

Trifle- do you work or are you SAHM? Is it better if you are away from them a bit, or is it that you miss the total freedom and travelling etc?

I can definitely relate to a lot of what you said Trifle. Although, I probably would have children again, if I got the chance to live my life over.

I do find playing with them difficult and it bloody winds me up that it doesn't matter what I do with them, where I take them etc it never seems to be enough. I guess I never realised before I had children how self obsessed they are. Stupid of me really!

Trifle, i was really touched by your posting. I'm sorry to hear you're not enjoying being a mum. I hope you don't think i'm interfering but do you think you might be depressed?