Would you have had kids if you'd known how tough it was?

[Angiel]

I don't know if I would have, its a bit late now though!!

someone on this thread said something about us mums never feeling to be good mums.

I felt this too for the first 12 months of dd's life, reading mags etc, I felt like I HAD to take ehr swimming, tumble tots, monkey music baby massage, and god know what else...But it just wasn't me, and then I as she grew I realised she loved me because I was her mother, because I was there for her, she didn't need me to become a professional entertainer, she would still love me and need me.

NOw I think I'm doing the best I can as a mum, there are good and bad days, but I know dd won't be affected by the bad ones. I had endless arguments with my mum and I still love her and still think she's my best friend!!
I think each of us should find our own way of being a mother, we don't necessarely ahve to play football, or do M&T groups, or enjoy changing nappies. I am sure each of us can find something they enjoy doing with their children and find our own style of parenting!! All they want is for us to be with them, I think we're more demanding of ourselves than our children are!!!

I found some of posts here a bit disturbing, as I really cannot believe (no offense meant) that some people can find absolutely nothing good about being a parent (unless they're depressed or something similar), I'd like to hear more from these people, to understand why they feel this way...

they emntion some sort of conspiracy...I think the truth is that the majority of mums will always say it's all worth it, however hard it is sometimes, because that's how they feel, they're trying to convince anyone!!

Personally I always tell my friends who have got pregnant after me how hard it is, but I also always say how rewarding it is, and this is why motherhood is always described in such a rosy manner (if a bit cheesy), its because even after the worst day ever, as you tuck them up in bed, you can't help feeling overwhelming love for them and that's what makes you a mother!!

(too late to preview, my brain is already dead, hope it all makes sense....)

custardo

jasper- maybe the suicide thingy is a result of being high achievers, perfectionists? Not sure- although I do know more people who have killed themseleves than have died through natural causes- which I always find a bit disturbing.

It depends which area of law they go into. It can be a 9-5 job, but if they are looking to earn the same as they did as dentistis - then yes they will definitely have a shock. In this family comparing SIL (dentist) and DH (lawyer), DH does about 20 -28 hours a week more than SIL. DH is not hugely ambitious- this seems to be about average for his friends in commercial firms.

A fantastic thread! I haven't been able to read it all but I have read the gist of everyone's honesty and I think you are all marvellous!
This is my viewpoint ... it may be a bit long but it comes from the heart.
I always wanted children ... if someone had suggested not to have children before I had DS I would have laughed in their face! I was 'born' to be a mother .... or so I believed .... was delighted to be pregnant and sailed through my pregnancy.
And then DS was born and someone stuck a huge pin in my bubble and it burst big time!!
I hated every minute of being a mother until DS was about 12 months old. I suffered PND ... well actually I have recently been told that I suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that caused Depression. I resented DS' existence and hated the impact that he had on DH ... I felt jealous of DH love for DS ... jealous of the bond they had that I didn't ... and felt that DH loved DS more than me. I felt that DS had come between us. Whenever we went anywhere in the car as a family ... when DS was still in a baby seat ... he sat in the front next to DH and I sat behind DS where I couldn't see him and I used to imagine that he didn't exist
I was overwhelmed by the responsibility ... I was a neurotic mother ... I was obsessed by his routine and would have panic attacks if routine changed. It was hell ... and I distinctly remember really hating every woman I knew who I felt had lied to me about motherhood. I felt that I had been hoodwinked into it. And so, needless to say, because of all those feelings I had Guilt aswell.
Then something happened when DS was about 10 months .... I began to fall in love with this little being who would crawl to me as quick as his little hands and knees could go whenever I walked into the room and grin up at me in delight. This little being who would cry out at night and not be comforted by his adored daddy ... only mummy would do. This little man who would bury his head into my neck when he was shy .... By 12 months I was infatuated and funnily enough the obsession with routine disappeared and the depression began to go away. Now that he is 3.8 I am his slave. He has my heart in his fat little hand and it is his to do with what he wants.
Would I have had him had I known how hard those 12 months would be? .... honest answer = Probably not.
BUT .... If someone came to me tomorrow and said "I will give you a million pounds, a perfect body, a new designer wardrobe, a mansion with a personal trainer and housekeeper .... but you have to give up your son". I know what my answer would be .... Absolutely NOT ... I wouldn't trade him for anything ... I can't imagine life without him!
It took until DS was 2 for me to want another child ... but even then I only wanted one for DS and DH's sake. It took a miscarriage for me to want another child for me. I hope and pray that I won't resent my next baby ... somehow I don't believe I will. I know how hard it will be ... I no longer wear those rose tinted specs that I had pre DS .... I know that the first 10 months will be bloody awful but I also know that on the other side of that will be another toddler who will tug at my heart strings like DS does ....
Hope you are not all asleep now ..... Thanks for listening ... G xxxx

I really don't think that there is a 'conspiracy of silence' on the part of parents. Personally, I think it is more to do with your emotional boundaries before having children not extending to the feelings(be they of sheer joy or exhaustion) that parents often experience. So when parents tell pregnant women to 'make the most of any lie-ins, holidays and 'me' time whilst they can - the first time expectant mother does not understand what on earth the parents are on about!

After the kind of days i have just had then probably not. Don't get me wrong i wouldn't wish to trade them in now and i certainly don't love them any less but god i miss the simple child free life - the life that you never realised was easy until it had gone! At the moment i am really contemplating getting a part-time job just to give me something outside of kids, it sounds terrible but i'm really really bored at the moment. I feel guilty for wanting to work but at the same time want some of my own identity back plus a rest!

Ghosty, I am almost in tears reading your words. You must have gone through hell. I went through PND 14 years ago and even my doctor told me to snap out of it, my parter (ex now) did not understand even slightly. I remember all the paranoia and resentment so clearly. I am so glad you got over it and now have such a great relationship with your DS. I know how scared you are of going through all that again, so was I, but they say your chances of a recurrence are no more than if you had not had the first episode. I went on to have two more without any repeat.

I am sure you will not have the same difficulty a second time - you are an experienced mum now. I know it took me a while to find my feet as a mum, we are not born with the knowledge and some of us who did not have good mothers ourselves have no role model to follow or consult. But we get there in the end and begin to know what these innocent little people are all about. Once we do, we warm to them in a way that is impossible to describe. Next time around you will have all that knowledge and experience behind you, and will fall in love with your new baby as soon as you see his/her face. Then you really feel the joy of motherhood. LOL

Or it might be the mercury in the fillings jimjams

Even if someone had told me how hard it was - and even if I had 'shadowed' a new Mum, I still wouldn't have believed how hard and tiring it can be. I never could have envisaged how different my life would be - all the compromises I would have to make - I would have still wanted to have children. I sometimes wish I had waited a couple of years - but I think in all honesty, for me there would never be a right time. I sometimes think what I would be doing had I have not had my DD, and look enviously at my childless friends at times - but I don't know if that would make me necessarily any happier. I also feel so so lucky that I have had my DD - some people don't even get this choice. Having my DD has been a real eye opener. She makes me laugh everyday with her comments - she has made me see everyday things that I take for granted in a new light. Being a Mum also has opened up a new world to me also. I have strengthened some of my existing friendships, made some new ones, become closer to my Mum and PILs - and also I know if it wasn't for my DD I wouldn't be on Mumsnet for a start . The support and honest opinions I have found on here have been invaluable.

Writing this all makes it all seem sweetness and light. However, I have to admit I hated the first 18mnths of my dd's life. Many a day I used to count the minutes to her bedtime. I never thought I would do it again. I found myself feeling guilty and inadequate whatever I did. DD required constant attention - she never would just sit there, and entertain herself in the way I see so many other babies do. I still in fact to this day look enviously at Mums who manage to take their babies along shopping or for a leisurely coffee. However, like so many other posters have mentioned below, for me it has been a slow progressive relationship with my DD - where we have both got to know each other better. I have also learnt too not to feel as guilty with the choices I have made, and that is OK if some of those choices are for my happiness as well.

Going through the pregnancy I did last time, and now going through the same thing again this time round, it is a nightmare. Last pregnancy I used to cut myself, I hated the baby, thought it was all the baby's fault, I thought I was possessed, I even considered going to see my local priest. I was delusional and very, very ill. It took a trip to casualty for me to get the help I needed, but looking at dd now I know it was all worth it.

I never wanted children, but now I'm glad she's around. I can sort of identify with you ghosty, but mine all happened whilst I was still pregnant! I may have suffered from PND too, but I got treatment for it as soon as dd was born. We all go through bad times in our lives, it doesn't have to be motherhood, it could be anything. The point is to look back at those bad times, learn from them and grow from them. Not to look back and regret everything that happened, because you can't change the past, but you can turn it into something positive. Regret is such a negative word to use in cases like these.

Teletubby,

by all accounts go for it! I started working 2 days a week when dd was 22 months and am completely enjoying it, even if it's not my dream job, not especially challenging, but it's still witha dults, and I think dd has gained from it as well, as I am now much more patient with her on the other days and more inclined to do what she wants.

Good luck!!!!

When I was pg with ds people kept telling me to 'rest now cos you'll never get the chance again'. I thoughts, yeah, yeah, yeah, what do they know - I can always go back to sleep after the night time feeds. Oh simple me! I am getting obsessed with the lack of a full night's sleep - even though ds sleeps till about 5am ish now, even if I go to bed at 10pm or earlier it never seems enough sleep (probably also because ds's room still being built so he's in with us and wakes me constantly - funny how dh never hears him...). I'm getting sleep envy - I look at other people and think, 'I bet they get more sleep than I do'. But then when I am away from him for even a little while I miss him like mad. Would not be without him! Had him just before 39th birthday so feel lucky to have him anyway.

Weird thing happened with work though - had to go back to work full time unexpectedly as dh lost job. Cried the night before but then really got into it and then got sad at having to be a part timer when dh got new job (he was at home with ds while I was at work). Sometimes feel like being part time worker is worst of both worlds - would like to be a full time worker and full time at-home-mum but can't be both so have to be a little of each which doesn't seem satisfactory. But I guess that's the compromise for a lot of us.

Ghosty - your posting could have been mine, it struck so many chords with me.
It seems I got over it though - I went on to have 3 more children.
People still ask if I'll have any more...I tell them that I've worked out what was causing it

Bluecow - sleep envy! That is so true!!!

DH and I talked about this over the weekend, and the answer is really difficult.

We love ds (now nearly 4) to distraction, even tho' he drives us to distraction too. I still yearn for the relationship DH and I had before him. I still wonder why I'm Tired all the time, and why our little boy can be so naughty, and so angelic in unpredictable turns.

I guess the answer is here. I am disabled, and when I was pg my mum was very concerned on the longterm effect on my body. Recently I have had problems with a hip, and some complicated surgery. While I was in hospital, My mum suggested to DH that we should never had had ds.

We were INCANDESCENT with rage that she should feel that way about her (only) grandson. So I guess we would have had him.

It is a lot harder then I thought, but more rewarding, and yes I would of still had him.

Most definitely yes, who else would make my coffee?s, pass the remote, fetch my fags, do the washing up??. Seriously, still yes, I can handle tough.

YES, but if you'd asked me five years ago it would have been a definite NO.

I have two wonderful children - ds is five years and dd is five months!

I was in total shock after having ds. I had a wonderful pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. I nearly had my perfect labour, but it all went wrong at the last minute and I has an ECS. It took ages to recover and I never "bonded" with ds. I looked after him becos I had too, would take him out at any opportunity, just to talk to someone else - anyone else. It really was a case of going through the motions. I was depressed, but never admitted it and didn't seek help. I don't know where the turning point with ds was, somewhere around 2½, I think, but he is absolutely wonderful, the most loving son I could have hoped for. Yes, he can still be a pain at times, but the difference is that I love him to bits and I've even been seen chasing a football with him in the park!

We never planned any more, dd was a "surprise", but we feel totally different this time. I am still worn out, sleep deprived etc, but I am on a total high and soooo happy with my beautiful family. I don't ejoy the baby stage, but I am coping much better this time and looking forward to the next milestone every few weeks helps a lot.

I definitely WOULD NOT be without my kids - they are my life and I love them to bits.

I think there is also a conspiracy of silence about how wonderful it is to love your child and be loved back. I know I have to censor myself with childless/childfree friends and not say how fantastic my ds is all the time in case I seem to be smug or gloating.

What a fascinating and moving thread. Trifle and Ghosty, I felt for a lot of what you said.

I always wanted to be a Mum. I was told that you would love your child in a way that you could never imagine. And they were right - there is no way I could have foreseen this overwhelming feeling (for example when ds was newborn I devoted a lot of time to hoping that I will die before him).

People also told me how tiring it would be. That bit was bollocks. I work in an extremely tiring profession, I chose to, and I enjoy it. Being at home with a baby has been the most boring experience of my life. I need to being doing stuff, I have not coped well with the relentless nothingness of being with a baby (and I want to have a second very soon - in the hope that life may pick up a bit). We have done loads together on maternity leave (visits, volunteering, decorating, even co-writing a book), but I still find it stiflingly boring. Now I'm back at work I'm happier.

I would have entered parenthood if I'd known what I know now, but I would have taken the minimum of maternity leave!

Message withdrawn

oh Ghosty - you made me well up and go all goose-pimply! Bless you, i'm so glad that he now holds your heart in his fat little hand. A lovely post, thanks for sharing.