Bereavement & Grief

[Kia]

I have a very dear friend who has just been left a widow before their first anniversary. I could go on and tell the whole tale but it's not really the point of this messge. I really want to support her through this even though we are only able to talk on the phone because of the distance involved, and I wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom to add. It is only 10 weeks since he died so it's still very raw.

Glad to hear all this. Someone mentioned earlier how awful it must look when new people log on and see the many abusive messages that have been posted here recently. Ultimately isn't it the numbers of new people joining that guarantee mumsnet will grow and still be around in years to come?

I think an email check for new members is a very sensible idea. I do hope robinW, janh and anyone else who feels like them will be happy to return asap.

I think Joe and SueW (?) are right, ignore those comments you don't like. If it's true that people post deliberately to enjoy controversy, then they will be dissuaded by a lack of response. I feel uneasy at censorship, and its not as if posting here provides a mass audience for subversives.

After all some people with strong opinions may be genuine, (I don't know what Sar71 said) and the need to express opinions that can't be expressed elsewhere is as legitimate as needing help with feeding etc.

In my own case, some of my beliefs about parenting differ greatly from those of my two best friends, sadly, we never have the time to really go into those issues. I don't want to mention them, get into a heated debate and have us end up misunderstanding each other's position or fall out. I find it a relief to ask people who are more like them about their opinions on Mumsnet.

So please lets retain free speech

So I fell for it. I wondered where Serena sprang from.

I have changed my name a couple of times in the past year or so that I've been a member. (For various reasons - mainly becaue I'd raved to mates about how good the site was and then they started trying to guess who I was, which I didn't want). Anyway, in my time I've had a couple of minor 'confrontations' but at the end of the day, we all (or mostly all) contribute because we want other people's help and experience or conversely we want to help somebody else through our experience.

Even having a disagreement with so one one issue doesn't mean you can't be helpful, friendly, in agreement etc on other issues.

There is no need to ever get offensive or unpleasant. I know I'm just reiterating what most people have already said and/or feel, I just wanted to add words of solidarity.

I feel sad at all the negitivity at the moment - maybe I'm just a bit hormonal or run down, but I was stupid enough to read the newspapers the last few days (I now try to avoid them) and all the stuff about the asylum seekers dangling their babies over the egde of the ship & attacking & spitting on people, the news of rape and child abuse in refugee camps perpetrated by so-called aid-workers..... It's just all too bad. I know a few trouble makers on mumsnet doesn't come into the league of the couple of news stories I've mentioned, but I need a little oasis of civilty amongst the madness I feel surrounded by!

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Welcome back RobinW !
I had no idea what they were going on about in all these RobinW attacks... I never had any argument with you so I thought maybe I had missed a trick.... hence I didn't really stand up for you... (except whe Helen 1969 insulted you) but when we did try to intervene we got told off by the hoax... it was all a bit confusing.

Anyway... hope things will improve for you... feel free to post again - I'll be happy to see your name on here again

Robinw a 'love affair' is a 2 way street what can we do to renew your passion? I'm glad you will continue to 'dip' in and I hope that, in time, you will actively participate again.
Best wishes to you and your family.

Well, it's great to hear that you haven't gone for good, RobinW. I hope you continue to do more than "dip in", we would miss you otherwise.
I am sure Mumsnet will give you chapter and verse, but a lot of people who felt uphappy about some of the postings here (but also felt that complaining on-board about the individuals involved would have just made matters worse) may have complained direct to Justine and co.

Robinw - I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

This probably isn't the time or the place...but we have ALL disagreed with each other at some point and some have even been offensive to others - yes robinw, even you. I stand up hand on heart and say that I know I have said things that irritate others. But they are my opinion and EVERYONE has a right to express their opinion. It makes me uncomfortable to read everyone accusing people of being trolls or random posters, as if being a new and controversial poster gives you less of a right to air your views. I can understand that some postings are removed as they are nothing but offensive, but some others such as 'serena' get loads of hassle because they disagree with the 'hardcore' of mumsnet posters. Just to set the record straight, I don't agree with serenas views but I find it all entertaining. Whatever happened to free speech??

Mumsnet is great when its being supportive, but less great when its a load of mutual back slapping. Lets face it, we all choose what to post here so we all get a very subjective view of what makes up someones personality.

Did anyone really believe that robinw would leave?

RobinW, very glad you're back. Hope you'll do more than dip in. Life here wouldn't be the same without you. You have such a strong presence here.

As Enid says, everyone should have a right to express their opinion without getting lots of personal backlash. I was beginning to feel afraid of posting my views, and I don't think I was alone in this. I totally second Marina's message.

Glad to see you are still around, Robinw.

I hear what you are saying about it being the apparent tolerance of the unpleasantness that bothered you, but sometimes we are caught between a rock and a hard place - on the one hand we want to leap to someone's defence, especially if an extremely rude or offensive comment has been made, but then this just fans the flames and the poster gets the undeserved attention they crave; on the other hand, we deliberately ignore it in the hope they will go away, realising we won't take the bait. That leaves the 'victim' of the posting thinking no-one cares - you see the predicament?

I'm pleased to see you back Robin!

I agree with the 'rock and a hard place' statements. I felt very intimidated by the goings on. I didn't realise it was possible to email Justiner privately, otherwise I would have done so.

To answer Enid's question, yes, I did think Robin had gone for good.

Just to add to the "welcome back" messages to Robinw. Glad to hear that the funeral is now behind you and that your MIL is finally "at rest".

Jodee has worded beautifully the "rock and a hard place" dilemma - how to provide support without continuing to fan the flames.

I tried to do my bit with the thread of "How we communicate" - hoping that it would remind people to be sensitive about how they use their words and how sometimes things can escalate unintentionally. What I didn't realise at the time (yes, I know, naive, but I'm new to this) was that there are some people who deliberately inflame and stir matters for their own perverse "pleasure".

Welcome back RobinW. Enid, IMO Serena isn't getting hassle because her views differ from the hardcore of Mumsnet members (in any event this is obviously not true) but because she appeared as a supposedly new member and yet seemed to be intimately familiar with long standing debates. If on her first posting she had announced that she had changed her name for whatever reason then I guess the reaction would have been different.

Anyway, I find it odd that in so many cases people who are so convinced of their views aren't willing to put their usual nickname to them. It's only an internet site after all.

SueDonim, on the occasions (and not always to complain, of course!) that I have used [email protected], I've always had a quick and helpful reply to my message. This mailing address can be picked up by any of the Mumsnet team. I think this is one of the many reasons that makes Mumsnet a bit special - the real people behind the site are much in evidence in a very constructive way.

Thanks, Marina. I don't know why I didn't think of using the 'contactus' address, d'oh!

I agree with Croppy - no problem at all with debates but it did sound very suspicious as she knew where to go to "pick a fight"... and genuine new members aren't like that. We didn't realise she was an "old" mum with a new name

But why shouldn't she change her name? And maybe she was a longtime lurker/new poster? Surely the beauty of the internet is that you can have as many 'personas' as you like? I only have one, before you ask...

robinw - Glad you're back! I for one would miss your useful snippets of medical info - you're better than my GP! Really sorry to hear that Mumsnet has lost it's certain little something for you, but things are settling back down, so please do keep dipping in. Love to you xx

Enid, thanks for your points on free speech, luckily I was feeling thickskinned or I might have been scared off.

I have got good reasons for changing my nickname, but without wanting to be mysterious, I can't state them .

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Monkey, I wanted to say, I understand your need to have an oasis of civility, and totally sympathise with the feeling that it's a mistake to read the papers at all. However if I refrained from expressing my opinions as I need to do (as I explained elsewhere I rarely discuss things of deep importance as with friends as I never feel I or my friends have the time to reallly go into the things we discuss on here and a brief discussion could lead to misunderstandings and damage friendships.) I would be losing out.

I don't think this is a total solution, but I use the various search methods to find things I'm interested in and avoid topics that I find boring or irritating. Perhaps this would be possible if you wanted to avoid conflict.Please let me know what you think about this. I am a person who was brought up with conflict and get involved in it still (a bad habit no doubt) but I would like to have an insight into what is to me sadly an alien way of being. I honestly wish it wasn't.

Perhaps another suggestion is for people like me with strong opinions which will antagonise, to always voice them in a new thread. (someone did this with the "vigorous debate" thread, didn't they? This would be a clear signal to those who wished to avoid conflict to steer away from. I'd be happy to observe this convention. Moderators could request this of new posters, nickname changers (like me) etc.

I like Enid's phrase "the beauty of the internet".
It may not be beautiful, but it can I'm sure meet the various needs of us all .

Also, I needed to change my nickname for the same reasons you stated.

What a great idea robinw, then maybe you could be in charge of deciding who is or isn't a troll.

Actually Enid I don't think we need that service. Most of us can spot a barbed comment a mile away.