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Bereavement & Grief

125 replies

Kia · 30/07/2001 21:37

I have a very dear friend who has just been left a widow before their first anniversary. I could go on and tell the whole tale but it's not really the point of this messge. I really want to support her through this even though we are only able to talk on the phone because of the distance involved, and I wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom to add. It is only 10 weeks since he died so it's still very raw.

OP posts:
jasper · 22/02/2002 00:16

RobinW my sister's fil died recently last year and like your mil it was a bit of a drawn out affair.
My sister later said that beecause of this a lot of her husbands grieving was done before he died and that the death itself was more bearable than he thought it would be.
Hope you don't think this is a fatuous suggestion, but if you have a garden you might like to plant a rose bush or something for your dh in memory of his mum.
I felt very sad and powerless to help my bil ( I know his dad too); theuy live 600 miles away, I could not even get to the funeral. The day he died I planted lots of tulip bulbs around a tree in my garden and I plan to send my sister some pictures when they are in bloom.

SueDonim · 22/02/2002 02:04

I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL, RobinW. My father died about 3 years ago (he would have been 95 today) and it is hard. I think all you can do for your DH is to make the rest of his day-to-day life run as smoothly as possible and be there if/when he wants to talk. As others have said, spending as much time as possible with your relative is a high priority but at the same time you need a breather now and then to recharge your batteries. Even just a trip to the supermarket or newsagents provides a change of scene. And if your DH has to do a long vigil by the bedside, mealtimes sometimes get forgotten but he/you need to eat, so do take turns at sitting by the bed. And as Snugs says, talking to the person helps. I chatted to my dad about the scene outside the window, the gardens, the weather, what passers by were wearing, the latest news and what was going on in the main ward (he was in a single room), even though he was asleep/unconscious.

Thinking of you, and please, take no notice of Helen's uncalled-for remarks.

robinw · 22/02/2002 06:42

message withdrawn

ChanelNo5 · 22/02/2002 06:48

Robinw - Very sorry to hear your MIL is so poorly. I think people have already made some wise suggestions, but just to say, all you can really do is be there for your dh to support him. I think it is good to visit as much as possible and to say last goodbyes, that way you can't look back with regrets. Thinking of you and dh.

Snugs · 22/02/2002 09:33

Robinw - I know it is hard if you live so far from MIL, but do try to persuade DH to return to her soon. I think he will find it so much harder to cope if he ISN'T there at the end, which you say might be soon. And remember that hearing is the last sense to go so she may well be listening to everything that is said - all the more reason for DH to sit and talk about the good times with her.
And the rose bush is a brilliant idea - we took a cutting from the plant outside dads hospice window - the kids call the resulting bush Grandad.

Best wishes. xx

Loobie · 22/02/2002 09:46

robinw-sorry to hear of your MIL illness,i agree with what has been said especially about how the sick can hang on till all good byes have been said and also about hearing being the last thing to go. I think your dh should try to go back to see his mother,as said in previous messages,i think he will find comfort in this when she does pass away,knowing that he had a chance to say a final goodbye.

Take care of yourself and family and hope it is over soon for your sakes and hers.
Loobie xxx

Batters · 22/02/2002 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tigermoth · 22/02/2002 10:48

RobinW, so sorry to hear about your mil. I will think about your question and get back to you.

Is it possible for Helen's comment to be deleted from this message thread?

Marina · 22/02/2002 10:49

Like Batters, can't really add much to all the lovely messages here but am thinking of you, Robinw. And, unlike your SIL, not all Christians think "unbelievers" are unworthy of loving prayer. I hope for a peaceful end for her and that dh and other family members make it back in time. I hope also that she is getting the palliative care she deserves. It maybe that right now she is in less pain than she has been for much of her illness.

bells2 · 22/02/2002 11:15

So sorry to hear of you MIL Robinw. From my experience of when my father died, I agree with all the comments here about making sure your husband is able to say the things he wants to say to her before she goes. I also think it is very important for your to make sure that he has the time and space to grieve properly. It is a long slow and painful process and will no doubt be tough for you and your child too. All the best.

Tigger2 · 22/02/2002 11:37

Robinw, my thoughts are with your husband and yourself and his family. Not an easy time at all, and I hope that the out reaching relatives can make it back.

Yes can we please have Helen's message deleted, that is a very improper and thoroughly vile message.

AModerator · 22/02/2002 12:03

I've contacted mumsnet by e-mail about the comments in question, Tigger, Tigermoth and everyone else.

Mooma · 22/02/2002 12:06

Robinw, my thoughts are with you and your family.
Attitudes like your SIL's give Christianity a bad name. No human can know or judge the state of another person's soul. God is slow to anger and rich in mercy.
Your dh is blessed to have such a loving and supportive partner. The only good that comes out of bereavement, is that we realise the frailty of the human condition, and value the time that we have with one another a bit more.

winnie · 22/02/2002 12:26

Robinw, I am thinking of you and your husband and would echo what others have said; your husband will need to say his goodbyes. As you will be aware from other threads my father recently died it was sudden and unexpected and my goodbyes had to be said in a chapel of rest. I understand your sentiments regarding your MIl and her being in pain my nan had cancer and it was a long an ddrawn out illness and she was suffering so much that we all wished for the end to come sooner than later. Of course we didn't want her to die but we did want her suffering to end. What is important at the moment is her quality of life however near the end of her life she may be.

Can I say that the best thing you can do for your husband is be there. No one knows how grief takes us... people cope differently. Expect the unexpected and allow him space and time...

It is less than a month since my fathers death and I am staggered by the number of people who seem to think I should have 'pulled myself together' and 'get on with it', yet never before have I felt the things that I am feeling or questioned our reasons for being here. I guess what I am trying to tell you is that you may not be able to prepare yourself for your husbands grief, you will simply have to be there for him and allow him to grieve in his own way. Can I also say, don't forget about you. Whatever your personal relationship with your MIL, this is affecting you too... May sympathies,

Mooma, your post was touching, and the final line so utterly true.

sobernow · 22/02/2002 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoAnne427 · 22/02/2002 16:27

RobinW:

So sorry to hear that you are going through this - loss is difficult, and often confusing when the relationships haven't been as good as you may have wished.

I don't have much more to add than what has been said - just wanted to wish you and dh and your family peace through this...

ScummyMummy · 22/02/2002 17:39

Sorry to hear about this RobinW. It sounds very stressful and raw. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

Tigermoth · 22/02/2002 21:37

RobinW, I'll be thinking of you all this weekend.

As others have said, I think it's important for your dh to spend as much time as he needs with his mother. Even if he feels she 'isn't there' this is not a time for rationality. As snugs said, I'm so sure hearing is the last sense to go. Try to tell your husband ( if this is the case) that he mustn't feel embarassed at not getting a response to his words. It takes time to say goodbye and all the other things he may want to say to his mother.

Speaking from my own experience, expect your husband to change his mind all the time about when to see his mother and when to leave her. This is because nothing he does will feel right. He will feel guilty for not being there with her for all her remaining time, while knowing rationally that he just can't do this.

I know this will be hard, but for now, don't try and include him in any set plans - not even meals. Don't make any plans for him at all, not even the smallist one. Let him know he can come and go as he pleases, and change his mind at any time - you and your daughter will carry on without him. I think that this is one of the best things you can do for now.

Hope the rest of the family get to you soon.

Tigermoth

bloss · 23/02/2002 02:16

Message withdrawn

robinw · 23/02/2002 07:58

message withdrawn

ChanelNo5 · 23/02/2002 08:38

Very sorry, RobinW, thinking of you, dh and your family.

jessi · 23/02/2002 08:57

So sorry RobinW.

charliesmummy · 23/02/2002 10:11

RobinW - I am so sorry. My mother died very suddenly and one never reacts how you think you will. It is an odd time, my thoughts are with you and your family. Be easy on yourselves.

Snugs · 23/02/2002 11:40

So sorry Robinw, thinking of you and Dh at this difficult time.

SueDonim · 23/02/2002 12:40

I'm sorry to hear your sad news, Robinw. You're entering a new stage of your lives now, and I'll be thinking of you. Take care.

Sue