Bereavement & Grief

[Kia]

I have a very dear friend who has just been left a widow before their first anniversary. I could go on and tell the whole tale but it's not really the point of this messge. I really want to support her through this even though we are only able to talk on the phone because of the distance involved, and I wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom to add. It is only 10 weeks since he died so it's still very raw.

Message deleted for gratuitous offensive content - tech

Message deleted for gratuitous offensive content - tech

RobinW, I hope you haven't gone for good, because it is thanks to advice that you posted that I discovered xylitol. My son has not had a bacterial infection (ear, throat etc) since I took your recommendations on board and I have passed them on to all the mums I know.
Mumsnet at its very best and I am very grateful. Please stay with us.

i've been amazed at the nasty remarks here - talk about the pot calling the kettle black. its so hypocritical, to criticise robinw, for supposedely being rude, and also then pretending to care about other people's situations to justify being unpleasant and downright vicious. and yes, i've changed my name, for fear of some of the people here - which doesn't include robin.

Sar71, what is your problem MATE?, get a grip on reality and when you can stop being so offensive, rude, unthoughtful and really silly, come back and join in happily the way things were. Certainly not all agreeing with each other, but hey lifes like that isn't it.

did anyone see Holby city last night? one of the storylines involved a woman who was awaiting a heart transplant, who was also pregnant (bit complicated here - she'd been raped) and died during a c-section. it made me think of a dear friend who died in a similar manner (baby survived) and her husband now cares (along with extended family) for their child. I know the holby city thing is only a story, but it helped to remind me that grief carries on years after the bereavement and I'm going to call my friend tonight to find out how he/his daughter are. i know I've been guilty of forgetting about them recently, and though I can't ever understand what he's been through, I'd like him to know that I care. sorry, it's a bit cheesy that, but heartfelt, nontheless.

I agree totally Marymary - the accusations of bullying, nastiness and personal abuse levelled at RobinW are laughable in the context of what has been said about her!. Neither side comes out of it well but it is frankly astonishing to claim to be upset by someone and then relentlessly make horrid remarks about them.

Hi Croppy, I have been posting here for about 18 months now and only once have I been 'rude' to someone in that time, which I now regret and would like to apologise to Alibubbles for it.

I don't see any reason for anyone to be offensive, we all have our opinions, I don't necessarily agree with all that's printed but won't lay into someone just because I don't.

I have not been a victim to any slanderous postings as far as I know and a lot of what Robinw has posted has been sound advice. I'll sit on the fence with Tigermoth. R

Thanks Rhiannon, you apologised at the time and the matter was closed. I think if people are graceful enough to apologise that should be the end of it, that's what happened on this occasion.

I have not borne a grudge and am pleased to say that Rhiannon and I have been able to give each other useful information since( holidays and washing machines!)

I stay out of heated discussions, I like to read useful constructive info and some of the threads at the moment are not pleasant reading, I just avoid them and enjoy the rest.

I dont want to rake up the past but I am intrigued as to what robinw has said that obviously upset so many people.
I have recently been involved in a couple of the hot topics and hope that I have not offended anyone to these extremes. I know I came close with Pupuce but I believe we have now put that behind us and found common ground on other issues.
Surely there is no need to get in so deep your messages are deleated, is there?

Lill exactly. I've missed all the hoo har by being on holiday but I'm sure you'll be filled in. R

Lill - we did find plenty of things to agree on - To my recollection it's only GF that's a sticky point.

What has been deleted - I saw before it got the chop... and it was worth being deleted trust me... it was just abuse.
I think some "fake" mums/nicknames are winding us up.... I believe Mumsnet is on the case.
Have you noticed how suddenly (past 2 -3 weeks) we've seen abuse like never before ???? Sounds very fishy to me ! As most of us have said, we have disagreed before and sometimes it has been heated but never down right abusive.
And I also don't recall such nasty stuff from RobinW.... so I think it's a set up. We should try not to raise to the bait if we are "genuine" mums (versus hackers)

Pupuce I agree with you - there seem to be an awful lot of new names about who only appear to say some fairly mean things.

Mumsnet has been such a godsend for me. Our family have had so many tremendous days out as a result of recommendations here - ideas that I would never have got from anywhere else. Some of my son's favourite meals have come from suggestions here as have tips and reassurance on how to deal with illnesses, tantrums and countless other issues. Right from desperately needed advice on feeding problems with my first baby to the current nanny woes - people are generally so kind to take the time to help out with advice which is so much more honest and impartial than I usually get from family and friends.

More importantly, the site has highlighted how people have different approaches to parenting and has made me much less judgemental. I think it is easy to lose sight as to what a fantastic resource it can be in both terms of support and practical assistance. So much more valuable than hurting people's feelings by exchanging personal remarks!

I would like to add my agreement to Bells & Pupuce's comments. I have also found Mumsnet to be a huge source of support, humour & sound advice.
Of course there have been times when debates have got very heated, but it does seem that the really nasty personal comments have only started appearing in the last couple of weeks.
I'm not entirely sure what is going on at the moment but it does sound as though the Mumsnet team are looking into it from Carriel's posting on the Quality of Life thread.
I really hope that people who have been contributing for a long time like RobinW & JanH won't leave just because of the recent unkind postings.

The only thing to do is to totally ignore the bad messages and pretend they havnt been posted. They like the attention and when they dont get it perhaps they will go away.

Thanks everyone for that sound advice! I'm prone to leaping in without thinking and I really admire all you less hot headed folks out there sometimes. I just find this sort of stuff soooooo annoying, though.
In this case it seems worse to me than the usual heated debate type stuff that comes up intermittently (and is actually very interesting when it stays on the right side of abusive)since one person seems to be being hounded outside of any actual "issue". I'm always torn between not wanting to get involved and wanting to make my disapproval clear. I'll try to follow Joe's and SueW's example next time...

Pupuce - may we never disagree again - I love your last post!

Didn't want to start posting on these issues but thankfully good sense is prevailing at last and we will get back to normal v soon.

I just think its a real shame - also to those potential new members who may have joined since the good review in the sunday times and have been immediately put off due to this. What a pity.

Joe1, totally agree with your two sentences.

Like you I have kept out of it all and am remembering all the good things (and people!) on Mumsnet. All the great day trip ideas, holiday ideas, medical advice, food tips, funny stories....

We are so lucky to have all this friendship, help and support at our fingertips. I think Mumsnet is FANTASTIC!!

Scummymummy said "I'm always torn between not wanting to get involved, and making my disapproval clear"

This is exactly how I feel but could not have put it so succinctly.

Cant you just feel the love on Mumsnet

I think someone said on another thread that it would be so different if we were all face-to-face. RobinW took one of my postings on the Working Mums thread as an insult to working mums. I didn't intend it to be and I have never found out what it was I said that offended so much. But I can understand that in the written word, whilst you know yourself what you mean, the reader often reads something entirely different. So instead of jumping the gun and taking insult, perhaps if we asked them to clarify what they mean, a lot of misunderstandings may be avoided.

I originally thought that everyone was being oversensitive anyway, but then I took a look at this thread earlier and was quite frankly shocked. I agree with Pupuce and Bells that members are using false names to abuse. Hopefully Mumsnet can find out who those people are and perhaps warn them? Have a 3 strikes and you're out system perhaps?

I have found Mumsnet so useful as I have said before. I got tremendous help and support when I posted on the Isolation thread, and my sister received so much help and good advice when she posted about Heart Defect and Downs diagnosed at 30 weeks into her pregnancy. In fact, she made a very good friend from here who went through similar problems and they have stayed friends since. It makes me angry to think that a minority could spoil it for others. I do hope Mumsnet can come up with something to stop this happening again.

Dear all, You should know that we have now withdrawn posting rights from a
few mumsnet nicknames, chiefly those who registered with non-functioning
email addresses. We think many of the recent abusive posts may have come
from the same person, with the primary aim of causing trouble. We can't be
sure, but this sort of thing does happen from time to time (it's known as
flamebait or trolling.) Hopefully we're now rid of her/ him/ them/ it! As of
a couple of weeks ago, new posters have to respond to an email from us after
registering and before they can leave messages, to ensure that we at least
have a valid email address for everyone using the talk board. Apologies that
you've all had to deal with this. As you know our policy is to
intervene as little possible - we find that usually the boards are
marvellously self-regulating - but in this case, in the face of really
determined abuse, we felt it necessary to act. We're all for debate but like
many of you we frankly decided we just don't need this and we certainly
don't need members who are just out to cause trouble. You should also know
that we intend to contact those who've publicly said they've been put off
mumsnet by all this in the hope than an explanation will entice them back.
Obviously there's nothing to stop determined troublemakers joining in the
future but they will, at least, have to use a valid email address to do so.
Many thanks to all those who've written in to express concern and done their
best to alleviate matters on the site. Once again we're sorry you've had to
put up with it. We know you've all got better things to be worrying about.
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

Sorry for talking about this further but I can't believe there are people out there who gain pleasure from being nasty and rude. I think Mumsnet is fab and have done since I first found it nearly 2 years ago. God how I wish I'd known about it when my ds was born (he's 3)! Let's hope things return to normal now and that those forced to leave feel able to return.

Yay justiner!!! Great idea, let's hope it ends here...